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RAPID RAMBLINGS 



IN EUROPE. 



/ BY 

W. C. FALKNER. 



WHAT I SAW AT LONDON, PARIS, GENOA, PISA, ROME, NAPLES, POMPEII, 

HERCULANEUM, FLORENCE, VENICE, MILAN, VARESE, COMO, CHA- 

MOUNIX, GENEVA, CHILLON, BERN, BREIG, INTERLAKEN, 

LUCERNE, ZURICH, LYONS, BRUSSELS, COLOGNE, BINGEN, 

WIESBADEN, AMSTERDAM, ROTTERDAM, THE HAGUE, 

AND ON THE ALPS AND RHINE. 






WITH TWELVE ILLUSTRATIONS. 






PHILADELPHIA: 

J. B. LIPPINCOTT & CO. 
1884. 






Copyright, 1884, by W. C. Falkner. 



[All rights reserved.] 



([the library 

OF CONGRESS 




*«i 



■:'/ s u 



tff' 



DEDICATION 



11 Dear Papa : 

" Do pray hurry home. Mamma is crying her eyes out about 
you and Effie, and I am so very lonesome without you. Every- 
thing looks so sad since you went away. I have thought and 
thought about you, until I have thought you clear out of my 
mind, and I can't, to save my life, think how you used to look. 
Old Duke is fat and sleek, but he has become quite lazy since 
you left. Mamma and I are well ; my big doll got its nose 
broken clear off. Hoping these few lines will find you enjoying 
the same blessing, I am your affectionate baby, 

"Koy." 

This letter, which was written by a little brown-haired lass 
of nine (the pet of the household), met me at Home. I don't 
think she meant to express a wish that the letter would find my 
nose broken, consequently I inscribe this work to her. 
Kespectfully, 

W. C. Falkner. 

Philadelphia, 1884. 



CONTENTS. 



CHAPTEK I. 

PAGE 

Arrival at New York — Ludicrous Interview with Drunken 
Irishman— A Visit to Central Park— A Trap to catch 
Verdant Travellers 13 



CHAPTEK II. 

Pishing for Dead Men in East River — The Morgue — A 
Preacher curses those who caused the War — Poor Woman 
throws her Children into the Eiver, then leaps after 
Them— A Pitiful Case at the Tombs . • . . .29 



CHAPTER III. 

Voyage across the Ocean — Affecting Scene — Parting Inter- 
view between Sam and Sue 37 

CHAPTER IV. 

A Race between two Monster Whales — Young Lady dies, 
and is buried at Sea — Incidents of the Voyage . . .52 



CHAPTER V. 

Irish Coast in Sight— Charming Scenery on the Welsh 
Coast — River Dee — Arrival at Liverpool — Trouble at 
Custom-House — Salvation Army — Courier meets us — Jaw- 
breaking Name 58 

CHAPTER VI. 

From Liverpool to Chester — Description of the Oldest 
Town in England — Battle of Rowton Moor — Cromwell 
defeats diaries I.— Warwick Castle— Guy's Cliff House 
—A Mill that has worked five hundred years . . .65 
1* 5 



CONTENTS. 



CHAPTEK VII. 

PAGE 

A Drive to Stratford — Shakespeare's House and Tomb 
described — A Kelic-hunter caught in the Act — Amusing 
Incident at the Tomb — Anne Hathaway's House visited. 
— A Drive to Sir Thomas Lucy's Park — Kenilworth 
Castle inspected and described 77 

CHAPTER VIII. 

A Ride from Kenilworth to Leamington — Coventry — The 
Godiva Legend — A Run to Oxford — A Visit to the Tomb 
of Amy Robsart, the Heroine of Scott's " Kenilworth" 
— Arrival in London — A Visit to the Tower, the Wonders 
described . 92 

CHAPTER IX. 

From London to Paris — A Railway run to Aix-les-Bains — 
Beautiful Scenery of Southern France — A Ridiculous Row 
— Much Ado about Nothing — Challenge Given — Blood- 
shedding luckily prevented 108 

CHAPTER X. 

Run to Genoa — Magnificent Alpine Scenery — Mont Cenis 
Tunnel — Genoa described — Thirteen Priests kicked down 
by one Donkey — A party of American Travellers met 
who join us — A Brigade organized — Author promoted 
to rank of Colonel, and assigned to the Command — A 
Visit to Campo Santo — Garibaldi's Palace and the Ca- 
thedral 114 

CHAPTER XI. 

Tormented by Pleas — Horrible Destruction of Saintly Im- 
ages — Damages demanded of the Author — Statue of Co- 
lumbus — His Autograph Letter — The Author on the War- 
path — Table-d'Hote Dinners described . . . . 128 

CHAPTER XII. 

Arrival at Pisa — Ascent of Leaning Tower — A visit to Bap- 
tistery, the Cathedral, and Galileo's Old Residence — A 
drive out to Seashore, and the King's Farm — Galileo's 
Swinging Lamp — Dick's amusing Adventure — Byron's 
House . 136 



CONTENTS. 



CHAPTEK XIII. 



PAGB 



Trip from Pisa to Rome — The Author mistaken for a Ger- 
man Prince — A Carriage-ride through Principal Streets — 
Temple of Vesta— The Corso— The Arch of Titus— Per- 
sonal appearance of King Humbert 148 



CHAPTER XIV. 

St. Peter's Church and the Vatican examined and described 
— St. Peter's Tomb — Grand Musical Festival — Dick's 
Tears wasted — Ten thousand People visit St. Peter's 
Tomb — The Chains with which Herod bound St. Peter — 
The Campagna seen and described — Arch of Septimus — 
Trajan's Column — The Tiber — The Dying Gladiator — The 
wonders of Sistine Chapel — Circus of Marcellus — Ludi- 
crous Farce 158 



CHAPTER XV. 

Marble Stairs of Pilate's House up which Christ was led to 
Prsetorium Hall — The stain of the Saviour's Blood still on 
the Steps — Lateran Palace, containing a Piece of the 
Manger in which Christ was laid — Aaron's Rod — The 
Saviour's Seamless Coat — The Table on which the Last 
Supper was eaten — The Table on which Jews gambled for 
the Saviour's Clothes — Appian Way — Catacombs visited 
— Wonderful Sights — Mamertine Prison, where Peter 
and Paul languished — St. Paul's hired House — The House 
where Luke wrote Acts of Apostles — The Old Forum — 
Dick's eloquent Speech from the Rostrum — The Pantheon. 172 



CHAPTER XVI. 

Capuchin Monastery — Horrible Sights — Room Frescoed with. 
Human Bones — A Visitor mistaken for an Egyptian 
Mummy — Little Girl tries to break off one of his Fingers 
for a Relic — Coliseum visited — Dick's Address to Audience 
— A Visit to Palatine Hill — Csesar's Palace — We stood 
where Death Sentence was pronounced on St. Paul — 
Nero's Golden House — Saw Tarpeian Rock — Caracalla's 
Baths— Wonderful Sights 191 



8 CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER XVII. 

PAGE 

Naples — A Visit to Virgil's Tomb — A useless waste of Tears 
— Myriads of Beggars — A Journey to the buried City of 
Pompeii — Hotel Diomedes — Museum of Curiosities at 
Pompeii — Thrilling Scenes described — The Impression 
produced on the Mind — La Sonima angry . . . 206 

CHAPTEK XVIII. 

Pompeii further investigated — The "Wandering Jew found 
by the Author — A Man who can never die — A strange 
Clock that has to be wound up every Hour — Famous 
Scholars baffled by mysterious Letters on Marble Slab 
found among Ruins — All Nations requested to send learned 
Men to help interpret Strange Characters — After thou- 
sands of Wise Men try. but fail, the Wandering Jew re- 
veals the Mystery — Curiosities and Relics of Pompeii 
fully described 217 

CHAPTER XIX. 

A Yacht ride over Bay of Naples — Famous Blue Grotto 
visited — A Fourth-of-July Dinner at Capri — Eloquent 
Speech — Lofty-sailing Eagle brought low by Dick's Wit — 
Another Fourth-of-July Dinner at Naples — The Author 
and his Brigade arrested — Tempest in a Teapot . . 239 

CHAPTER XX. 

Ascent of Mount Vesuvius — The Author defeated by Beggar 
Chief — Ludicrous denouement — Thrilling Adventure near 
the Crater — Narrow escape of Party from Shower of fall- 
ing Lava — Famous Retreat led by the Commander down 
the Mountain — Dick so badly frightened that he ran the 
Wrong Way — Splendid View of Scenery from Moun- 
tain top 245 

CHAPTER XXI. 

Beautiful Florence — Medici Mausoleum — Dick's Dynamite 
Plot — Visit to Dante's House — Proprietor absent — An- 
gelo's House examined — L'ffizi Gallery inspected — Arno 
bridged with Raphael's Paintings — Cathedral invaded — 
The Block on which John the Baptist's Head was chopped 
oft" — A ride to Cascine Park — Dick's Encounter with 
mysterious Foe «. 259 



CONTENTS. 9 

CHAPTER XXII. 

PAGB 

A Visit to Mantua — Arrival at Venice — Bridge of Sighs and 
the Doge's Palace described — Famous Prison under the 
Bridge of Sighs — A Moonlight Ride in a Gondola — The 
Rialto — St. Mark's Tomb — Alabaster Columns from Solo- 
mon's Temple — Canova's Tomb — St. Mark's Cathedral — 
The Old Inquisition — Famous Clock — Author in Trouble 
at Lace-Factory 277 



CHAPTER XXIII. 

From Venice to Verona — Juliet's Tomb — Milan described 
— A Sabbath at Varese, on the Alps — Gorgeous Scenery 
of Apennines — Carriage-ride to Lake Lugano — A De- 
lightful Sail on the Lake — A Drive to Cadenabia — Lake 
Como — St. Gothard's Tunnel — Across the Alps at Furca 
Pass — A Night on Top of the Alps — Snow Twenty Feet 
Deep in July — Arrival at Martigny 289 



CHAPTER XXIV. 

Across the Alps at Tete-Noire Pass — Arrival at Chamounix 
— Ascent of Mont Blanc by Mark Twain's Lightning 
Express — A Mule-back Ride up the Alps — Mer de Glace 
▼isited — A Run to Geneva — A Visit to John Calvin's 
House — A Sail over Lake Leman to Chillon — The Famous 
Prison examined and described 305 



CHAPTER XXV. 

A Night at Lausanne — Visit to Freiburg and the Suspen- 
sion Bridge — Author frightened by the Colossal Organ — 
Thought it was an Earthquake — A Visit to Bern, the 
Capital — A Sea of Flowers — The Renowned Automaton 
Clock — From Bern to Interlaken 314 



CHAPTER XXVI. 

Interlaken — Romantic Legend straying Around ; the Au- 
thor utilizes it — Brave Shepherd-Doy fights gallantly for 
his Sweetheart, and wins her hand — Unspunen Castle . 323 



10 CONTENTS. 

CHAFTEK XXVII. 

PAGK 

A Visit to Staubbach — A Waterfall of nine hundred Feet 
— An Interesting Legend — A Baron of Rosenstein kills 
his Brother about a Girl whom they both love — The Girl 
upon hearing the News leaps from a Lofty Crag and dies 
— Foolish Blunder — Ascent of the Jungfrau on a Clumsy 
Horse — A New Way to cross a Glacier — The Giesbach 
Falls lighted with Bengal Lights — Trip from Interlaken 
to Lucerne 338 

CHAPTER XXVIII. 

Lucerne — A Lady claims Author's Baggage — A Sail over 
the Lake of the Four Cantons — Arrival at Fluellen — 
Tell's Chapel — Gessler's Castle — The Spot where Tell 
killed Gessler — Schiller's Monument — Swiss Dogs hark 
in English — Babies cry in same Language — All Animals 
use English Language — Ascent of the Rigi — Meanest 
Hotel-keeper in the World — Party starved and frozen — A 
Good Place to look for North Pole — Hotel-keeper thought 
Sun could rise without my help, and it did . . . 354 

CHAPTER XXIX. 

Departure from Lucerne — Arrival at Zurich — International 
Exhibition inspected — A Curious Circus — Grand Torch- 
light Procession — Thousands of Fair Women on the 
Streets — Charming Music — Schaffhausen and Falls of 
Rhine — Lyons — A Visit to the Silk-factory — A Deluge of 
Silk falls on the Author's Head — A Fool converted into a 
Man of Wisdom 366 

CHAPTER XXX. 

Paris — Scenery between Lyons and Paris — A ride to Ver- 
sailles — Historical Relics seen at Grand and Petit Tri- 
anon — Apartments and Furniture used by Marie Antoin- 
ette — Josephine's Sleigh and Carriage — Her Bed and 
other Furniture — A Visit to the Grand Palace — Relics of 
Napoleon — His Apartments examined . . . . 375 

CHAPTER XXXI. 

The Iron Mask Secret unearthed and the Man who wore it 
clearly identified — The Bastile — Louis XIII. and XIV. 
— A Strange Bonanza 388 



CONTENTS. 11 

CHAPTER XXXII. 

PAGE 

Eambles through Pere la Chase — Mademoiselle Rachel's 
Tomb — Abelard and Heloise — Marshal Ney's Grave — 
Sixteen hundred^Gorgeous Monuments — Cemetery of St. 
Ouen — Champs Elysees — Arc de Triomphe — Hotel des In- 
valides — Napoleon's Tomb 416 

CHAPTER XXXIII. 

A Visit to the Morgue — A Melancholy Tragedy — A Roman- 
tic Story developed at Inquest — An Eccentric News- 
hunter — Talking-machine — A Pretty Martyr . . . 427 

CHAPTER XXXI V. 

A Raid on the Louvre — A Valuable Humbug — My Cargo of 
Fig-leaves rejected — Vast Collection of Paintings and 
Fine Statuary — St. Bartholomew Massacre — Who was 
Catharine de Medici — Visit to Grand Opera-House — My 
Attempt to purchase Full Dress 448 

CHAPTER XXXV. 

Cologne — Brussels — A Visit to the Field of Waterloo — Relic 
Peddlers — Brilliant Scenes in the Streets of Brussels — 
Grand Cathedral at Cologne — Strange Legend — The Devil 
trades with a Foolish Artist — Satan furnishes the Plan of 
the Cathedral, and rides away on a Streak of Lightning — 
Bones of eleven thousand Virgins who were murdered 
by the Huns — Interesting Legend concerning them . . 462 

CHAPTER XXXVI. 

Wiesbaden — Trip up the Rhine — Scenery and Castles de- 
scribed — The Lorelei Legend — A Stop at Bingen and Co- 
blentz — Sternberg Castle and its Legends — A Deluge of 
Silly Legends — We disembark at Biebrich — A Delightful 
Ride to Wiesbaden — Four of the Party lost in the City — 
A Ludicrous Situation — Hot Springs — The Author takes 
a Walk with the King of Belgium — Titled Nobility in- 
vading the Town 477 

CHAPTER XXXVII. 

Return to Cologne — A Conspiracy against Charley — He 
wants to fight, but is held by Dick and the Judge — Mat- 
ters look Serious — Satisfactory Settlement made — A run 



12 CONTENTS. 



PAGE 

to Amsterdam — International Exhibition — Queen of Hol- 
land — The King — The Hague — No Hotel Accommoda- 
tions to be had— Dick makes his Will and goes to sleep in 
the Streets — The Queen's Woodland Palace filled with 
Charming Pictures 494 

CHAPTEK XXXVIII. 

London — Sea Voyage from Kotterdam to Harwich — A Eide 
through Hyde Park — Madame Tussaud's Wax-Works — 
An Amusing Mistake — London Bridge — Lambert Palace 
— Visit to Marlborough House 511 

CHAPTER XXXIX. 

Went to Exeter Hall to hear Spurgeon — Five Thousand 
Listeners — Three Thousand fail to get in — A Visit to 
Woolwich — Boat-ride on the Thames — The Greenwich 
Observatory examined 521 

CHAPTER XL. 

Westminster Abbey — Tombs of Macaulay, Bulwer, and 
Dickens described — Mary, Queen of Scots, and Queen 
Elizabeth entombed near Each Other — Poets' Corner vis- 
ited — Addison, Milton, and Campbell sleep there — De- 
scription of the Abbey — Tomb of the two Young Princes 
who were murdered by Richard, Duke of Gloucester — 
Parliament interviewed — The Queen's Fine Horses living 
in a Parlor 530 

CHAPTER XL I. 

A Day at Windsor — The Old Palace thoroughly examined 
— The Queen's Marble Image — Fine Paintings — Royal 
Tombs — Windsor Park— A Ride through the Town — Old 
Hemes Oak gone, but the Place where it stood is there 
yet — A Visit to the Princess Theatre .... 539 

CHAPTER XLII. 

From London to Rugby — Old Gram mar-School at Rugby — 
Departure for Liverpool — A Ride through Liverpool 
Streets — We bid Adieu to England — Charley parts with 
us at the Quay — Incidents of the Voyage — Violent Storm 
at Sea — Attacked and damaged by a Crazy Trunk — Arri- 
val at New York — Funny Mistake at the Custom-House 
— Letters from Dear Ones at Home— Arrival at Home . 551 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 



CHAPTEE I. 



New York, June 6, 1883. 

We often hear it said that a bad beginning makes 
a good ending, " All's well that ends well," etc. If 
the aphorism proves true in this instance, we shall 
indeed experience a delightful time at the terminus 
of this tour, because wave after wave of bad luck 
has rolled over us since we left home. We have been 
detained here five days, contrary to our wishes and 
expectations. A fortnight ago we took leave of the 
dear ones at home, and set out on a European tour, 
with minds full of pleasant anticipations concerning 
the delights we were sure to enjoy. We made no 
bargain for the purchase of bad luck, having always 
found plenty of it at home, which came without solici- 
tation. 

We had engaged and paid for berths on a ship ad- 
vertised to sail for Liverpool on Saturday, June 2d; 
but on our arrival here we were informed that she 
would not start until the 7th. I hurried to the office 
of the Cunard line, determined to engage a room on 

2 13 



14 RAPID RAMBLING S IN EUROPE. 

the first ship that would sail for Liverpool. The agent 
told me that all the berths were taken on every ship 
of the line that would sail during the month. 

" Everybody and his wife are going to Europe this 
summer," said he, " and judging from the large number 
of tickets sold, I guess that Everybody's cousins and 
aunts have been smitten with continental fever." Then, 
placing his mouth close to my ear, while a comical ex- 
pression mantled his face, he whispered, " It is a pro- 
found secret, but I will tell it to you in the strictest 
confidence : Everybody has resolved to take his mother- 
in-law to Europe this season." 

I did not use profane language ; I never do use it 
when it is clear that language cannot do the subject 
justice. I hope, however, that the Recording Angel 
did not see my thoughts and write them down on the 
pages of his celestial ledger against me. 

I have discovered one important fact : the traveller 
who expects to live on strawberry jam and ice cream 
all the time will find almost everything else more abun- 
dant. In other words, the path of the traveller is not 
quite so full of flowers as was the garden of Eden be- 
fore Eve learned to love forbidden fruit. Philosophy, 
patience, and gold are articles which all sensible tourists 
should carry with them. 

For two years I have been corresponding with a few 
friends with a view to organizing an excursion-party to 
travel through England, France, Italy, Switzerland, 
Germany, Belgium, and Holland. Ten persons had 
joined the organization, pledging themselves to appear 
in New York on or before the 2d day of June, properly 



RAPID RAM B LINGS IN EUROPE. 15 

equipped for the journey. Only four came according 
to agreement. Three reckless females, possessing more 
courage than discretion, have concluded to make the 
tour at all hazards. We would have burned the bridges 
behind us. In fact, we had contracted for a supply of 
dynamite with which to blow them up ; but when we 
got everything ready, we found that the bridges were 
ferry-boats, and that the prospects of their blowing 
themselves up were too flattering to be interfered with. 
But let it be distinctly understood that we are going to 
Europe any way. "We have crossed the Rubicon." 
This is a brand-new phrase which I dare say the reader 
never before heard. I am a famous inventor of new 
phrases. Well, we have crossed the Rubicon ; that is 
to say, we have crossed the Hudson, which amounts to 
the same thing. 

I begin to fear that this tour is not going to yield 
much of a bonanza of fame, after all. Where is the 
chance for one to distinguish himself as a traveller, 
when everybody else is on the tramp? I had been 
flattering myself with the idea that as soon as the news- 
paper-men and the book-publishers of New York found 
out that I was going to Europe, they would deluge me 
with liberal bids for a history of my travels. My name 
would appear in all the morning papers, together with 
the announcement of the startling fact that I was going 
to Europe, giving, also, a short biographical sketch of 
my eventful career. I would be annoyed by numerous 
photographers begging for the privilege of filling their 
windows witli the picture of the famous traveller. To 
sum up the whole matter, I would be the observed of 



16 RAPID RAMBLINOS IN EUROPE. 

all observers. Alas ! how deceitful is the thin fabric 
of an ambitious dream ! No one has observed me at 
all, except a suspicious creditor to whom I am largely 
indebted for borrowed money, which at this particular 
time it is inconvenient for me to pay. Perhaps the 
word " impossible" would express the situation better 
than " inconvenient." This creditor has constantly ob- 
served me ever since I came to the city ; in point of 
fact, his observations have become monotonous. 

I visited an editor of one of the leading journals 
soon after I arrived at New York, supposing that he 
would be delighted to make my acquaintance. He was 
a pale-faced, handsome man, with large, black, piercing 
eyes, with which he seemed to look clear through my 
thoughts. From his personal appearance,' I concluded 
that he was the proprietor of a big brain, quick percep- 
tion, and a bilious temperament. 

" Good-morning, Mr. Editor," said I, as I grasped 
his hand. " How do you do this morning ?" 

"Very well, I thank you," he replied, coldly fixing 
his expressive eyes on me with an inquiring look. " I 
beg your pardon, sir," he continued, " but you have 
the advantage of me ; I cannot recall your name." 

" Well, I do not mind telling it to you, but it 
must be understood that I do so in the strictest con- 
fidence." My name was then given. " I have started 
to Europe." 

u Have you, indeed ?" 

"Yes; it is an absolute fact." 

" Well, I wish you a pleasant journey. If you will 
excuse me now, I'll bid you ' Good-morning.' " 



RAPID R A MB LINGS IN EUROPE. 17 

"Oh, certainly; I will very willingly excuse you. I 
can call again if you are busy now." 

" If you have business with me, please be so good as 
to state the character of it." 

" I thought probably you would like to mention in 
your paper the fact that I am going to Europe." 

" If you wish to advertise your intentions, you will 
call at the up-town office and arrange the matter with 
the agent. Again I bid you ' Good-morning/ " 

My retreat from the sanctum was conducted with the 
deliberation and dignity demanded by the critical situa- 
tion. I am the fee-simple owner of a large stock of 
impudence, but it has undergone considerable shrinkage 
since I came to this city. 

If any book-publishers called at my hotel to see me, 
it was while I was out ; and they went away without 
leaving their cards. The suspicious creditor was more 
thoughtful. He called every day; and when I was 
out, he always waited until I came in. He is the only 
friend who seems to feel an interest in me. He thinks 
a trip to Europe extremely hazardous, and is doing his 
best to induce me to abandon the enterprise. 

One of my travelling-companions is a tall black-eyed 
maiden in her early teens, who answers to the pet name 
of " Effie." I had composed an extravagant panegyric 
of her, but before it materialized the idea that she was 
a near relation of mine occurred to my mind and sug- 
gested the propriety of leaving that task to be per- 
formed by somebody else. The other two ladies who 
had recklessly cast themselves on the rickety platform 
of my protection are what envious people call old 
b 2* 



18 RAPID RA MB LINGS IN EUROPE. 

maids, but I am sure that they are yet on the sunny 
side of the matrimonial line ; and if they cross it with- 
out husbands, they will do so of choice and not from 
compulsion. They are by no means uncomely j though 
the beauty of their minds contributes no little to 
their personal charms. They are school-teachers who 
have earned their money by an honorable calling; 
hence they well know its value and how to make a 
judicious use of it. They travel for information more 
than for pleasure. They are elegantly educated, and 
are well versed in the history of the countries through 
which we expect to travel, and I consider it quite for- 
tunate that Effie is to have such good company while 
on the tour. 

We have through our agent, Mr. E. M. Jenkens, 
secured a courier, who will meet us on our arrival at 
Liverpool. 

Miss Bell and Miss Stevenson are devoted friends, 
and the most remarkable thing to relate is the fact that 
they are members of different churches and do not 
quarrel over theological questions. Miss Bell is a 
Presbyterian and Miss Stevenson a Baptist, and yet 
they devotedly love each other. 

We are stopping at the hotel where Jim Fisk met 
the bullet which ended both his stock-speculations and 
his life at once. Fisk must have been a very great 
man, — a man much admired and loved by the people. 
I am forced to this conclusion on account of the awful 
punishment inflicted on his murderer; he was im- 
prisoned four long years at Sing-Sing. If Stokes had 
missed Fisk when he fired at him, he would have been 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 19 

sent to prison for at least ten years ; but, luckily for 
him, his aim was well taken. 

It is very unpleasant, as well as unwise, to enter a 
city like New York on a rainy Sunday morning, as I 
and Effie had the misfortune to do a short while ago. 
All the inhabitants were asleep except a few hack- 
drivers and policemen, and, as usual, they were dozing 
on their posts. Broadway was empty, gloomy, and 
silent, undisturbed by any sound whatever ; it looked 
more like the headquarters of an army of ghosts than 
the main artery of a great commercial metropolis. 
Doors and windows were all closed, while the silence 
of the tomb prevailed in the deserted streets. The 
rattle of a milk-wagon or the cry of a baby would have 
been a welcome sound ; anything, to break the painful 
monotony. 

The air was cold and very disagreeable ; mud, water, 
and fog were all prepared to greet us as we stepped off 
of the train at Jersey City just at the early peep of 
dawn. Vast clouds of fog lay on the surface of the 
Hudson as we boarded the ferry-boat, and hurriedly 
went toward the New York shore. From the ferry- 
boat we were ushered into a dismal wooden barn, where 
mud and stage-agents triumphantly reigned. Half a 
dozen hack-drivers slumbered, while twice as many 
half-starved horses stood near them with drooping heads 
and closed eyelids. 

While crossing the river I had made a contract with 
the stage-agent to deliver me and my baggage at the 
Grand Central Hotel. Truth compels me to admit 
that the agent did comply with his contract, but in 



20 RAPID RAMBLING S IN EUROPE. 

making the negotiations I had neglected to have any- 
time specified. There is where he got the advantage 
of me, and the able manner in which he availed him- 
self of it convinced me that he was the possessor of an 
intellect which ought to be cultivated. 

An Irish hack-driver who answered to the name of 
" Muldoony" rose, yawned, stretched both arms above 
his head, looked up at the ceiling and muttered, — 

"Sure, sir, if it's Pathrick Muldoony's hack ye'r 
a-lookin' afther, it's mesilf that'll take ye through the 
strates like a strake of grased lightnin'." 

In obedience to the orders of the agent, I took a 
seat in Muldoony's hack ; and as soon as my trunk was 
placed aboard I had fondly hoped to be whirled away 
— not quite as swiftly as the speed usually made by a 
streak of lightning, but as fast as two poor horses 
could trot. At the end of five minutes I ventured to 
ask Pat why he did not start, but he had gone to sleep 
on the box and of course did not hear me. 

I gave him a gentle thrust with my umbrella. 

" Faith an' bedads, thems me own ribs ye'r a- 
pokin'." 

" Why don't you drive on ?" I inquired. 

" It's mesilf that's got ordthers to stay fer the next 
thrain." 

" When does the next train arrive ?" 

" Bedad, how can a poor hack-driver kape up with 
the Pinnsylvania Railroad ?" 

" Give my money back, then," said I, " and I will 
engage another hack." 

" Faith and yer honor must be afther pokin' fun at 



RAPID RAMBLINOS IN EUROPE. 21 

Pathrick this mornin\ It's mesilf that's not got a 
cint. I had only fifteen cints, and it went fer the 
mornin' drink at Tim O'Riley's saloon at the break o' 
day." 

A corporation has no soul, consequently no conscience 
— a fact which can be proven by me. 

At the end of half an hour the agent made his ap- 
pearance, bowed, grinned, apologized for keeping me 
waiting, and promised to start the hack in one little 
minute ; he then went away, and I have never seen 
him since ; I hope I never shall see him. I might 
lose control of my temper and say unkind words to 
him, — a thing I often do when there is no danger of 
retaliation. 

After my being held a prisoner for near two hours, 
another train arrived. The hack was filled with pas- 
sengers, and we began to move at a rate of speed that 
would have disgraced a snail. 

Permit me to throw in the following advice without 
extra charge : Do not put your trust in stage-agents, 
for they have set a trap to catch verdant travellers. I 
know whereof I speak, for I have been there. Those 
who nibble at every bait that is held before their noses 
will occasionally get hooked. 

The city of New York is putting on airs since Gen- 
eral Grant consented to make his home there. Prob- 
ably the reader may have heard of that gentleman. 
It seems to me that he was in some way connected 
with the Union army during the late war. I am sure 
he was at Yicksburg at a Fourth-of-July celebration 
during the late unpleasantness. He got on a regular 



22 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

rampage, took the town, put it in his pocket and made a 
present of it to Mr. Lincoln with as little sang-froid as 
a schoolboy manifests in giving a stick of chewing-gum 
to his sweetheart. It is asserted that when persuasion 
was brought to bear upon him to keep the peace and 
behave himself he said, " I'll fight it out on this line 
if it takes all summer." 

There is in New York a certain street shaped like 
a dog's hind leg, with an extra crook thrown in, one 
end of which rests on the west bank of the East River, 
while the other stops short in front of old Trinity 
church. It is a regular zoological garden, where thou- 
sands of ferocious animals devour one another every 
day. I was sauntering along there the other day, 
when my attention was attracted by an uproarious noise 
that emanated from a large building. 

" What on earth is the matter there ?" I inquired of 
a gentleman who was standing near the door. 

" Oh, nothing at all unusual," he replied. " The 
animals are a little hungry this morning. If you would 
like to see the menagerie, just walk in ; they are going 
to have a lively time to-day." 

Straightway I walked in, when I saw the strangest 
lot of animals that I had ever beheld. They were 
not gorillas, though in many respects they resembled 
these animals. They all walked on their hind legs, 
just like monkeys, and most of them were yelling and 
screaming at a great rate, running and prancing about 
just as I have seen them do in cages. One small ani- 
mal was standing on a platform, a wooden hammer in 
his paw, with which every now and then he struck a 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 23 

plank, as if he were trying to murder something. A 
regular whirlwind of screams usually swept through 
the house every time the hammer sounded on the 
board. A score or two of half-grown little animals 
were continually dashing in and out carrying little 
scraps of paper which were delivered to them by the 
larger animals. Every one of the animals seemed to 
be anxious to attract the attention of the one that held 
the hammer. 

I had not been in the house five minutes when a 
gentleman, whom I supposed to be one of the keepers, 
asked me if I had a ticket of admission. 

" No," I replied, as I lifted a half-dollar from my 
pocket, " I will buy one though, if you are the ticket- 
agent." 

The gentleman smiled blandly as he eyed the shin- 
ing coin in my hand. 

" You cannot buy a ticket for fifty cents," said he. 

" Very well, sir/' I exclaimed, as I drew three silver 
dollars from my pocket ; " I like your show, and I 
will pay the regular price of admission, no matter how 
much it may be." 

" Then you will have to scratch up more than three 
dollars." 

" See here, my dear sir, if you are the ticket-seller 
for this establishment, be so good as to tell me the 
price demanded. In plain terms, give me a ticket 
and take your money." 

" It will cost you twenty-three thousand dollars to 
secure a ticket of admission to this concern. Shall I 
make out your ticket now ?" 



24 RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. 

" Ah, hem ! Er-er-er. Ah hem ! If. Er. If it 
will make no difference with you, I will call again in 
the morning." 

" Oh, certainly ; certainly, sir. It doesn't make the 
slightest difference in the world, though I shall look 
for you early in the morning." 

He may continue to look for me until Gabriel 
sounds his last trumpet, but he shall look in vain. 

I had strayed into the New York Stock Exchange, 
where none but regular members and invited guests are 
admitted. This is the place where the bulls and the 
bears wage relentless war against each other, every now 
and then devouring an innocent lamb who happens to 
straggle into the den. They are fond of mutton, and 
often assist each other in capturing stray sheep. Some- 
times a man will play bull for a week, then take the 
role of a bear and try to kill all of his former compan- 
ions. 

There is a very small individual who never fails to 
frighten all the other animals half to death when he 
gets on the rampage. He is a sleek, mild-mannered 
little animal, who looks like the personification of 
innocence ; but when he makes a grab at an adversary, 
blood flows freely and bones break into a thousand frag- 
ments. He often pretends to play bull, when he really 
means to act the bear. By this duplicity he induces 
his friends to join the bull side ; then, all of a sudden, 
he hugs them to death with his powerful arms. He 
always takes his victims by surprise, and they are dead 
before they think of danger. He does not waste time 
in trapping lambs. In fact, he doesn't love mutton 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 25 

like the rest ; but he is very fond of bull-beef. He 
caused a report to be circulated to the effect that he was 
going to retire from the arena, make a voyage round 
the world, and let his oldest cub take his place in the 
ring. There was great rejoicing among the other ani- 
mals at the thought of getting rid of their most formid- 
able.foe ; but the whole matter proved to be a snare 
laid to catch unsuspecting victims. Instead of circum- 
navigating the world in a yacht, he surrounds the bulls 
of Wall Street with watered stocks, and lays in a good 
supply of fresh bull-beef. When this little animal 
has an ague, Wall Street shakes ; when Wall Street 
takes snuff, Uncle Sam sneezes ; when the little animal 
has a fever, the national pulse is excited ; and when he 
snores, brokers and bankers may dare to doze. 

If a man wants to study human nature, I advise 
him to go to Wall Street. There he will see every 
phase of it, from the millionaire down to the starving 
mendicant, jostling and cursing one another, all jumbled 
together. But if he wishes to think well of his fellow- 
men, let him keep away from there. 

As time was hanging heavily on our hands, we con- 
cluded to while away some of it in Central Park. Board- 
ing a street-car, we were in due time landed at the 
south gate, where we were instantly surrounded by a 
score of hackmen, each one swearing that he would give 
us a better and cheaper ride than any other man. A 
red-faced man, who stood meekly gazing at me from a 
considerable distance, gave me a knowing wink with 
his left eye, while he beckoned me to his side. Curi- 
osity led me to inquire what the matter was. 
b 3 



26 RAPID RAMB LINGS IN EUROPE. 

" Them rascals is a-tryin' to put up a foul game on ye. 
It's them sort what allers fetches down the character 
o' the hack-drivin' perfesshun. They allers talks one 
way ; an' when it comes* to the pinch, they act t'other 
way. I likes folks ez acts ez they talks. "When a 
feller sez he's a-gwine ter do a thing, he hadn't orter do 
another. That ain't my style. Ef I sez I'm a-gwine 
ter do a thing, dam-fi-don't do it, shore puffin'. That's 
the sort o' jews-harp this chicken is. I'll trot ye an' 
the little gel clean round the Park, and show the lakes, 
zoology garden, Clepatty's hair-pin, an' every dog-oned 
shebang in that ar' park, for a tw'-dollar William. Jis 
light rite inter that ar lightein' 'spress, an' I'll hev ye 
ther afore ye can say Halt ! with yer mouth open." 

I happened to know that by taking a five-minute 
walk to the southwest corner of the park I could for 
fifty cents secure two comfortable seats in a public 
stage which would give us a good view of the Park. 
We arrived at the stand in time to secure the desired 
accommodation, and soon went sailing through the 
beautiful grounds. 

The picturesque beauty of Central Park must be 
seen to be appreciated. Nature must have especially 
designed it for the very uses to which it has been dedi- 
cated. Broad level valleys, bordered with smooth 
circular hills, gently curving round them ; innumerable 
diminutive stony cliffs projecting their dark-gray peaks 
among the trees ; rural grottoes and sparkling cascades : 
pretty little blue-bosomed lakes, on whose sparkling 
waters float scores of gay-colored boats ; umbrageous 
trees whose rank foliage forms a protecting canopy 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 27 

over the Lovers' Retreat; broad acres of delicious 
flowers greeting the visitor with a ravishing perfume ; 
smooth carriage-roads and shady paths winding in 
every direction, now leading over a strong stone bridge, 
now plunging under a cold dark tunnel, then travers- 
ing a long avenue fringed with overhanging vines and 
tall green trees, — all combine to produce a scene of in- 
comparable beauty. 

Central Park covers an area of six hundred and 
eighty-three acres, is two and a half miles in length 
and half a mile wide, has nine and a half miles of 
carriage-road, twenty-eight miles of ornamented walksf 
and five and a half miles of rides. There are six beau- 
tiful lakes, covering about forty-three acres of ground. 
It is estimated that during the summer season the 
average number of visitors is ten thousand daily, and 
the attendance is perhaps doubled on Sundays. It is 
here where the over-worked mechanic and the pale- 
faced factory-girl may be seen of Sunday evenings 
sitting on a bench enjoying the fresh air, vainly dream- 
ing of better days that never will come. It is here 
where the lovesick maiden, sitting in some obscure 
shady bower, listens to the sweet whisper of her lover's 
renewed pledges of unending devotion. Here it is that 
we see the millionaire seated in his gilded carriage 
dashing by the penniless beggar. This is the place 
where the ruined speculator usually comes to cool his 
fevered brain and to compose his shattered nerves. It 
is here where the painted Jezebel plots and plans for 
the disposal of her fast-failing charms. This is the 
field where the brokers, bankers, bulls and bears con- 



28 RAPID RAMBLINOS IN EUROPE. 

gregate to talk over the last week's battle, while they 
discuss the plan of the next campaign. Here is the 
stage on which New York society struts to show its 
feathers, and to flaunt its finery in the face of its 
envious enemies. In fact, he who is fond of mental 
and visionary hash can feed on it to his heart's content. 
Here may be seen people of every character, caste, and 
of every nationality on any fine day. 

We enjoyed the the drive exceedingly. The Obelisk 
(Cleopatra's Needle) stands on a rising mound in the 
northeast corner of the Park. It was brought from 
Egypt, William H. Vanderbilt furnishing the requisite 
funds. The shafts rest on four large yellow brass 
crabs, whose long claws stick out as if anxious to grab 
the visitor. Every side of the Obelisk is literally 
covered with strange hieroglyphics. I was not able to 
read them, though I tried ever so hard. 

To any one who contemplates suicide, I beg to 
recommend Central Park as a suitable place. If he 
would like to die with his thoughts fixed on Paradise, 
the charming scenery of Central Park will prove sug- 
gestive. If his ghost should take a notion to wander 
about the spot where it was forced to leave the body, I 
know of no place where it could find so many cool 
shady walks and lonely dells as it could here. 

We visited the Zoological Garden, where we saw a 
very respectable collection of animals, — not like those 
we saw at the Stock Exchange, however. One of the 
prettiest sights to be seen is the large number of swans 
that indolently glide about on the lakes. 

The electric lights were converting night into day 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 29 

as we passed Madison and Union Squares, on our way- 
back to the hotel. Nothing can be more beautiful 
than Broadway when seen bathed in a sea of electric 
lights. One who can accurately paint the picture must 
possess great descriptive faculties. 



CHAPTER II. 

Our Saviour, while walking by the Sea of Galilee, 
saw Andrew and Peter casting nets, and commanded 
them to follow Him, promising to make them fishers 
of men; but the police of New York have become 
fishers of men of their own accord. I state this as a 
refined fact, for with my own eyes I have seen them 
fishing men out of East River. If they do not catch 
as many as half a dozen every morning, they complain 
of bad luck. 

"Faith and bedads, its mesilf that'll niver taste 
another drop of that dirthy wather," said a half-intoxi- 
cated Irishman who watched the police dragging a 
corpse from the river. " That dirthy wather has more 
dead men than fish in it," muttered the Irishman as he 
hurried away. 

The suicidal mania lately seems to have broken out 
anew in New York. East River appears to be the 
favorite resort of those afflicted with the self-destruc- 
tive complaint. Why they give it the preference over 
the Hudson River is a mystery to me. 
3* 



30 RAPID RAMBLINOS IN EUROPE. 

Last Monday morning a forlorn-looking woman clad 
in tattered rags, carrying a babe in her arms, while a 
pretty little girl walked by her side, was seen walking 
along near the water's edge. Suddenly she threw her 
two little children into the river, then deliberately 
precipitated herself in after them. They were rescued 
by some laborers who happened to witness the occur- 
rence. The children were sent to the hospital, and the 
mother to prison under a charge of attempting to com- 
mit murder. Investigation developed the fact that the 
unfortunate woman preferred the painless death of 
drowning to a lingering dissolution by slow starvation. 

The Morgue furnishes an interesting exhibition to 
visitors who like to look on the dark side of the picture 
of humanity. When a man starts to the river to drown 
himself, he will change his mind if he will take a peep 
at the Morgue as he passes. He will find that there is 
a great difference between a live and a dead man. 

A few days ago a sad-faced man stood gazing at the 
long row of mangled corpses that were on exhibition 
at the Morgue. After having remained there half an 
hour, he turned away exclaiming, — 

" I won't do it." 

" You won't do what ?" said a spectator. 

" I had started to the river to drown myself, but I 
have concluded not to do it to-day. I would rather 
live and suffer than be like those horrible-looking 
objects in there." 

We visited Brooklyn to hear a sermon by a famous 
orator of that city. He is a splendid actor. I felt 
more as if I was in a theatre than in the house of 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 31 

worship. When he said funny things (which very 
frequently he did), the audience greeted him with pro- 
longed hand-clapping and laughter. When he became 
pathetic, they gave him copious tears and audible sobs. 
He took his text from the forty-seventh chapter of 
Isaiah, part of the fourth verse : " The Lord of Hosts is 
His name." The reading of his text was all I heard 
on that subject, for immediately he began a lecture on 
the causes and results of the late war. His description 
of the horrors of the battle-field was grand, eloquent, 
and terrific, bringing tears to the eyes of his congrega- 
tion. The phrase of "Hell broke loose" was used 
more than once, and others of a kindred nature were 
frequently employed. In describing the causes that 
produced the war he was as severe on the fanatics of 
the North as he was against those of the South. 
Against those who caused the war he wound up with a 
curse that surpassed anything in the shape of terrible 
epithets that I ever heard. It made cold chills steal over 
me to hear such language used in the house of God. 

" May the hottest regions of the damned be made 
hotter for their reception!" he exclaimed. "I call on 
God and the angels to help me curse them. I call on 
widows and orphans of dead soldiers to help me curse 
them. I call on all Christian people to help me curse 
them !" 

I do not pretend to quote his exact words. In fact, 
no one could accurately describe his actions or his 
words. He had evidently exhausted the English lan- 
guage in the selection of scathing epithets for the 
occasion. 



32 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

Yesterday we took a stroll through old Trinity 
Church. Although it is nearly two hundred years old, 
it exhibits no evidence of age ; in fact, it looks as new 
as any church I have seen here. The superscriptions 
on some of the tombs indicate a date as far back as one 
hundred and fifty years ago. The church stands on 
the west side of Broadway, immediately in front of 
Wall Street. The ground belonging to this church 
could doubtless be sold for millions of dollars. 

Last Wednesday was Decoration Day, which was 
observed by all classes as a holiday. All shops, factor- 
ies, and houses of business were closed, and the entire 
population spent the day on the streets and at the 
cemeteries. About fifteen thousand soldiers, gorgeously 
uniformed, paraded the streets and were reviewed by 
the President from a grand stand erected at Madison 
Square. 

On the Brooklyn bridge occurred a horrible accident, 
by which twelve persons were killed and forty wounded. 
It was caused by a panic supposed to have been started 
by a fainting lady. Many thousands of people were 
on the bridge at the time of the accident, when a 
scream was heard, and the idea that the bridge was 
breaking down at once prevailed, and a rush was made 
toward the steps. Men, women, and children were 
thrown down and trampled to death, while screams 
and groans rent the air. One hundred and ninety 
thousand people crossed the bridge within twenty-four 
hours after it was opened. 

On Thursday I visited one of the hospitals, where I 
saw the lifeless body of a boy of fifteen whose identity 



RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. 33 

was unknown. He was a handsome lad with light- 
brown curly hair. The features, though pale in death, 
were remarkably beautiful. Some fond mother was 
perhaps then watching and waiting for the return of 
her darling boy, whose warm lips had on the morning 
of his departure received her loving kiss, little dream- 
ing that the lips she so fondly pressed to her own were 
so shortly to be cold in death. 

Yesterday we paid a visit to the old city hall, — a 
three-story, marble-fronted building erected in 1803. 
It is situated in the park just east of Broadway, near 
the old Astor House. It was in front of this building 
that Washington was inaugurated as the first President 
of the United States. On the floor of the second story 
the old carved writing-desk on which Washington 
penned his first message to Congress, the identical 
chair in which he was inaugurated, the chairs used 
by the first Congress, together with a large collection 
of paintings, embracing portraits of many Revolu- 
tionary chieftains, are shown to visitors. 

New York is unquestionably the liveliest city in 
America, or in any other country. Her public build- 
ings — indeed, many of her private residences — are 
equal to anything of the sort to be seen in any part 
of the world. The white-marble mansion, the late 
residence of A. T. Stewart, on the corner of Fifth 
Avenue and Thirty-fourth Street, is said to be one of 
the most magnificent residences on the globe. The 
Drexel block, erected on the corner of Broad and 
Wall Streets, built of pure white marble, is seven 
stories high, and presents an imposing appearance. 



34 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

The magnificent retail store of A. T. Stewart occu- 
pies the entire block on the east side of Broadway 
between Ninth and Tenth Streets. It is built of iron, 
and is five stories high. 

Most conspicuous among the many splendid struc- 
tures in New York City is the Herald building, 
which is six stories high, composed of snow-white 
marble. For magnificence and beauty of design, the 
red sandstone residences to be seen on both sides of 
Fifth Avenue are unsurpassed anywhere. This street 
affords the best drives outside of Central Park, and 
when the weather is fine it is crowded with gorgeous 
equipages drawn by the finest horses in the world. 

Two elevated railroads traverse the city. One line 
runs round on its outer edge, while the other makes a 
complete circuit, penetrating the very centre. 

No city on the earth can compare with New York, so 
far as her facilities for internal transit are concerned. 
From fifteen to twenty minutes is the longest time 
required to take a person from one extremity of the 
metropolis to the other. Innumerable tramways run 
parallel with and on both sides of Broadway, from the 
Battery to Harlem, while that street is always crowded 
with commodious stages ready to take you to any part 
of the city for five cents. In fact, no one need walk 
at all in New York, unless he prefers it. 

If the population of this city continues to increase 
during the next fifty years as it has increased in the 
last half-century, it will be nearly up with London. 

We visited the Tombs prison day before yesterday. 
The man who invented its designation had a well-bal- 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 35 

anced mind : I am sure nothing ever had a more 
appropriate name. Its outer appearance is exactly 
similar to that of a square marble tomb. It is 
within the dismal precincts of this prison where con- 
demned criminals are confined. A score or two of 
forlorn, half-clad prisoners sat in a room shivering on 
a dirty bench, some weeping, others cursing, while one 
or two prayed fervently. A pale-faced little blue-eyed 
boy attracted my attention as he sat there with tears 
streaming down his wan cheeks. He was not, I think, 
over seven years old. The superintendent informed 
me that the child was arrested for stealing a lady's 
shawl. 

" What is your name, little boy ?" said I, as I took 
hold of his hand. 

" Thomas Sanders, sir," he meekly replied. 

" Did you steal the shawl ?" 

"Yes, sir." 

" Did you not know it was wrong to take the lady's 
shawl ?" 

" Yes, sir." 

" Then why did you do it ?" 

" They told me to do it." 

" Who told you to steal it?" 

" The boys." 

" What boys?" 

" Bolter and Jim." 

" Who are Bolter and Jim ?" 

" Them is the leaders." 

"The leaders of what?" 

" Our gang." 



36 RAPID RAMB LINGS IN EUROPE. 

" How did you manage to get into the lady's 
house?" 

"Bolter and Jim cut the glass out and poked me 
through and told me to fetch everything to them. I 
found the shawl, and was a-gwine ter give it to 'em 
when the lady cotch me." 

" Where is your father ?" 

" He's dead." 

" Where is your mother ?" 

" She's in heaven." 

" Then she is dead, too." 

" No, she ain't ; she's in heaven." 

" How could she go to heaven without dying ?" 

" Dunno. She just went. S'pose the angels tuck 
her ; that's what gramma sez." 

" Who is gramma?" 

" She's my granmam." 

" Where does she live ?" 

" Mostly to home, 'ceptin' when she's sellin' goo- 
bers." 

" Where does she sleep of nights ?" 

" She don't sleep much, she has ter work so hard." 

" Where do you sleep ?" 

" Sometimes I sleeps on the lumber at the river ; 
sometimes I jist naps all night agin a box. When I 
finds a barrel, I jist creeps inter hit and sleeps as snug 
as a rug." 

" How long since your mother went to heaven ?" 

" Dunno zackly ; long time ago, though." 

" Did she ever tell you to be a good boy and meet 
her in heaven." 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 37 

" Oh, yes, sir ; she did that." 

" Then why do yoa not try to do as she told you ?" 
"Bolter and Jim sez the best way to get ter heaven 
is to make money to pay a priest fer a through ticket, 
caze they won't sell 'em on a credit." 

" Do Bolter and Jim divide fairly with you ?" 
" Oh, yes ; they allers gives me my sheer." 
" And what do you do with your money ?" 
" I puts it inter the ? trabution-box ter the 'thedral 
ter pay fer my ticket." 
"What ticket?" 

" My ticket ter heaven, in course." 
It occurs to me that here might be found a splendid 
field for missionary work. I suppose the reason 
evangelicals do not send agents here, is to be found 
in the fact that there is no romantic peril to be en- 
countered, and that there are no man-eating savages 
to deal with. 



CHAPTER III. 



Liverpool, June 16, 1883. 

Those who love excitement and confusion should 
endeavor to be present when an ocean-steamer is about 
to set out on a voyage from New York with a large 
list of passengers bound for Europe. 

To me it has always been — and probably it for ever 
will be — an inexplicable mystery why the friends and 

4 



38 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

relatives of departing passengers prefer to weep and 
kiss them in public, instead of bidding them " Adieu" 
in private. It occurs to me that those who make 
public demonstrations of affection are not the ones who 
love us most. There is an indescribable eloquence in the 
moist eye and the quivering lips of those who whisper, 
" God bless you," as you part with them in the private 
parlor. A farewell kiss received under such circum- 
stances is worth a thousand public demonstrations made 
on a crowded deck. 

Another mystery which requires an explanation is 
why passengers always so manage as to be pressed for 
time at the last moment, when there is no time to 
spare. 

When the time comes to take in the gang-plank, 
things begin to look interesting. Those who have been 
silently weeping now begin to put in more vigorous 
work, while the confusion increases. Bells ring, sailors 
shout, officers issue orders, children scream, ladies cry, 
poodle-dogs yell, steam-whistles shriek, men on deck 
bawl loudly to friends on shore, the engine groans, 
steam escapes with ear-piercing shrillness, boxes, trunks, 
and chairs are tossed about on deck, rattling and rolling 
in every direction. This 'description conveys only a 
very faint idea of the reality. 

It was publicly announced in the newspapers that 

all passengers booked for the B would have to get 

their baggage aboard by nine o'clock on the evening of 
the 6th, as the ship would unquestionably sail promptly 
at six o'clock on the morning of the 7th. It is a posi- 
tive fact, as I am informed and believe, that at least 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 39 

one-lialf of the passengers did actually get everything 
ready by the hour specified. 

We started from the hotel at five o'clock p.m., and 
very soon thereafter drove into the long wooden ware- 
house of the In man line, where some fifteen or twenty 
men began to talk to me at the same time. 

" Lemme see your ticket," cried an officer who stood 
at the end of the gang-plank. 

" Move out of the way there," growled the baggage- 
master. 

I moved backwards eight or ten feet. 

" Look out there !" cried an express-agent, as he 
pulled me to one side. 

" Please let me pass," exclaimed a sailor who hit my 
head with the corner of a heavy trunk. 

" Don't get in the way of these men," said a red- 
faced man who held a book and pencil in his hand. 

" Will you be so good as to tell me where I must 
go?" I meekly asked. 

" Go to the d 1, for all I care," he carelessly 

replied; and straightway I went to the baggage- 
master. 

That individual pointed at my nose, then at my 
baggage, and said, — 

" Hold or cabin ?" 

" Yes, sir, if you please," was my modest answer. 

"I said 'Hold or cabin?' " 

" That's precisely what I understood you to say ; and 
I said, ' Yes, sir, if you please.' " 

" Yes, but I wish to know whether you want me to 
put your trunks in the hold or in the cabin." 



40 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

" Oh ! Ah, yes ! Er — er I would like to have 

them put on the ship, if you can spare the time." 

" Here, Mack ! Take them traps aboard and put 
'em in the hold." 

"Please show your ticket," cried the gang-plank 
sentinel as the hackman plucked me by the sleeve and 
demanded two dollars. 

The driver and the sentinel both talked at me, while a 
man snatched my valise and started away with it. In the 
confusion I handed my passage-ticket to the carriage- 
driver and gave the two-dollar bill to the sentinel, and 
then hurried after the man who had my valise. He 
was one of the sailors, and he had sent the valise aboard 
of the ship. Hurrying back, I found my ticket in the 
hands of the sentinel and the carriage-driver gone. 
Then I happened to remember that I had left my 
field-glass on the floor of the carriage. I gave a news- 
boy fifty cents to go to the hotel and bring it to me, 
promising to double the fee if he brought the glass. 
He dashed rapidly away, agreeing to be back in half 
an hour. An hour elapsed, and he failed to make his 
appearance. I gave another boy fifty cents to go after 
him, and then hired another boy to go after him ; and 
I was negotiating a contract with the fourth boy to look 
after the first three, when Effie suggested the propriety 
of waiting a while. I have never seen or heard of 
either boys or glass up to this good hour. 

The weather was intolerably hot ; not a breath of 
air was stirring. The ship lay wedged in between two 
long warehouses, where the accumulated heat produced 
by the scorching rays of the departing sun fairly roasted 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 41 

the passengers who were aboard. The heat in those 
little dens called state-rooms was but a few degrees be- 
low that of living fire. A cell in Sing-Sing peniten- 
tiary would have been delightful compared to them. 
In mid-ocean those state-rooms are almost unendurable, 
but to be cooped up in one while the thermometer 
registers ninety-eight in the shade is by no means 
pleasant. The largest size state-rooms on the ship are 
six by ten feet, containing three beds, a wash-stand, 
one little round window fifteen inches in diameter. 
Three passengers are assigned to each room, unless an 
extra price is paid. Mr. Ross and I paid the extra 
charge, so as to have the room to ourselves. This ar- 
rangement leaves the sofa unoccupied, affording us 
room to turn round without going on deck to do it. 
As to sleeping in the room while the ship lay at the 
wharf, that was out of the question. I strolled about 
on deck until after midnight, when my eyelids grew 
heavy ; sinking down on a voyage-chair, I soon went 
to sleep. I was dreaming of the dear ones at home, 
when a gentle small voice fell on my ear : 

" Beg pardon, sir ! Sorry to disturb you, but you 
are in my chair." 

I of course vacated it, and sought other quarters. I 
happened to discover an inviting coil of cable rope that 
I thought would answer for a bed. I deposited my. 
wearied body on it, and again basked in the sweet 
dreamy realms. I dreamed that I was clambering up 
the rugged Alpine mountains, almost exhausted with 
the fatigue of the journey. After travelling all day 
over huge rocks and slippery ground, under the rays 

4* 



42 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

of a summer sun, I came to a way-side inn, where I 
was accommodated with a clean, soft bed. I thought 
I slept until the sun was near the meridian, when a 
bright ray shot down through a skylight window and 
blinded my eyes. The bright light and the pain in my 
eyes awoke me, when I saw a man standing over me 
holding a lighted lantern within ten inches of my nose. 

" You'll have to get up, sir," said he ; " we are going 
to move this rope." 

To the best of my recollection, I got up. 

There being plenty of space on the ship, I set out in 
search of a more secluded spot, with a view of stowing 
myself away for the rest of the night. On top of the 
smoking-cabin I found a large tarpaulin, which I at 
once converted into a couch, and again was in the arms 
of Morpheus. I had scarcely fallen asleep, when I was 
rudely disturbed by a sailor who said, — 

" Yer pardon, sir, but you'll hev to get up ; we're 
a-gwine ter move this here concern." 

I thought of the Wandering Jew, and from the bot- 
tom of my heart pitied him. The only difference 
between his condition and mine was that he was con- 
demned to perpetual motion for committing a crime, 
while I, who had done no wrong, was forced to undergo 
the same punishment. 

I offered one of the sailors a dollar to show me a 
place where I could repose undisturbed until morning. 

"To be sure, sir, ye'll find no sleepin'-room on deck ; 
we is a-gwine to put everything ter rights afore we 
stop." 

I played Wandering Jew until daylight. 



RAPID RAMBLING S IN EUROPE. 43 

The sun rose beneath a cloudless sky ; the morning 
air was cool and invigorating. A black column of 
smoke began to emerge from the chimney, while a 
white cloud of steam rose above the escape-pipe and 
went curling and twisting fantastically through the 
ship's rigging. 

As the hour of departure drew nigh carriages, bug- 
gies, carts, drays, and express- wagons began to discharge 
their promiscuous freight on the wharf. Men, women, 
and children commenced to swarm on the ship, dashing 
about from deck to cabin, and from cabin to deck, 
yelling and screaming with wild excitement. Hundreds 
of excited people thronged the wharf shouting loudly to 
those on the ship ; the bell began to ring ; the whistle 
shrieked. 

" All visitors will please go ashore/' cried the second 
officer. 

Then such a scene of confusion as I witnessed would 
be difficult to describe. Husbands embracing wives, 
mothers bidding adieu to sons and daughters, brothers 
imprinting the parting kiss on the lips of their sisters, 
lovers whispering, " God bless you !" to their sweet- 
hearts, children clinging to their mother's neck and 
crying as if their hearts were breaking, friends grasp- 
ing each other's hand and uttering the usual wish for a 
prosperous voyage and so forth. 

My attention was especially attracted by a parting 
scene between a pale-faced young girl and a tall, awk- 
ward looking young man. It did not require a close 
inspection to convince me that consumption was devour- 
ing the young girl's lungs. Notwithstanding the hollow 



44 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

cheeks and the wasted form, about her pale face there 
was still lingering an unfaded beauty which I have 
seldom seen surpassed. She was about to embark for 
Queenstown, Ireland, where her parents resided. The 
young man — who, by the bye, was her lover — was by 
no means handsome, though there was a frank, manly 
expression about his countenance that indicated honesty 
and sincerity. His dress was neat, but composed of 
coarse gray jeans ; his hands and feet were unusually 
large ; his face was badly tanned by exposure to the sun. 
Judging from his dress and his general appearance, I 
arrived at the conclusion that he was a well-to-do 
farmer. He had brought the sick girl aboard in his 
arms, and gently deposited her on an arm-chair near 
where I sat. I noticed the large tear-drops that 
chased one another down his sunburned cheeks as he 
drew a coarse woollen shawl over the girl's shoulders. 

" Sue, darling, will you forget me when you are far 
away among others who love you?" he said, as he 
gently caressed her little fleshless hand. 

" Forget you, Sam? How could you ask such a ques- 
tion ? Can I ever forget the one who owns my whole 
heart ? Could I ever forget the thousands of disinter- 
ested acts of kindness for which I am your debtor? 
No, no! never! Sam, we may never meet on earth 
again, but I want you to be sure to meet me up there. 
I may die before I get home ; sharks may devour my 
body ; but when I am in heaven, be assured that you 
have an attorney there to plead for you." 

" Visitors must positively go ashore immediately," 
exclaimed the officer. 



RAPID RAMBLINOS IN EUROPE. 45 

The sick girl rose to a standing posture and gazed 
for a moment up into the face of the young man, 
while a flood of tears streamed from her eyes. Then, 
suddenly throwing her arms round his neck, she gave 
vent to her grief in sobs and groans. 

" Good-by, darling," cried her lover as he replaced 
her on the chair, and stamped half a dozen fervent 
kis-es on her pale brow. " May God in heaven bless 
and protect you !" 

Instantly he leaped over the railing, and disap- 
peared. 

A strong man lifted the fairy-like form of the fainting 
girl in his arms, and immediately disappeared down the 
stairs that ted from the deck to the saloon. It will be 
necessary for me to refer to this girl again ere long. 

The great city was bathed in a sea of golden rays 
from the rising sun as the ship began to glide over the 
water. Hundreds of tearful eyes were intently gazing 
at the crowd of friends and relatives who with white 
handkerchiefs waved adieu from the wharf. Solemn 
silence prevailed among the multitude of passengers 
who covered the deck, watching the receding shore as it 
rapidly faded from view. Then we were on the bosom 
of the broad blue ocean. What a grand prospect ! 
Such an exhilarating breeze ! Such an expansive view ! 

"Oh, my! Ain't it delightful?" exclaimed Miss 
Bell. 

" Delicious ! Exquisite !" cried Effie. 

"Wonderful! Magnificent!" said Miss Stevenson. 

" I'm half starved," muttered Effie. " I do wish 
breakfast was ready." 



46 RAPID RAMBLINQS IX EUROPE. 

" Yes," ejaculate'1 Mifle Bell: "I beg to participate 
in such sensible wishes myself, for I am very hu: a 

a It's half-past eight now," Miss S:evenson remarked 
as she peered down into the cook-room. u I believe 
they are putting breakfast on the table n 

"Breakfast will be served at nine, sir," replied the 
steward to an inquiry propounded by me. " Our usual 
breakfasting-hour is eight, but we are a little late this 
time. We have been delayed by the confusion this 
morn i 

Everybody now began to clamor for breakfast. 

'*' It is scandalous to starve people to death in any 
such a manner," muttered an obese lady, as she im- 
patiently struck the deck with the point of her parasol. 
" If I were to cross the ocean a hundred times, I never 
would sail on this hateful ship again." 

u My dear. w remarked a meek-looking man who 
stood by her side, "let us not condemn the ship 
merely because breakfast is a little late this morning." 

a Don't bother me with a lecture, if you please. You 
are always condemning me and excusing everybody 
else. I'm sick and tired of such nonsense." 

To the best of my recollection, that man hush- 

The pa- _ a all seemed to have forgotten the 
superb grandeur of the ocean while the question of 
breakfast was the all-absorbing topic of discussion. 

*• There's the breakfast-bell at last," exclaimed Effie, 
as she darted toward the dining-saloon. 

Then a general rush was made in the same direction 
by all the passengers. 

There being more people than could be accommo- 




MISS BELL. 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 47 

dated at the first table, some had the misfortune to be 
left ; my usual luck did not fail to class me with them. 
I was on the eve of using strong language, when the 
steward smiled blandly and gave me a knowing wink 
with his left eye. At the same time pointing his finger 
through the little round window, he said, — 

" She'll make plenty o' room for you in a minute ; 
there'll not be a dozen people at that table at the end 
of five minutes." 

He had scarcely finished the sentence, when a 
medium-sized wave suddenly lifted the ship up and 
rolled her over on the larboard side, then left her 
to careen back on the starboard. There was nothing 
violent about the movement, no plunging and pitch- 
ing abruptly : it was like a delightful ride in a 
swing. 

The bills of fare had been impartially distributed ; 
the orders had been given. The waiters, being obedi- 
ent, efficient, and prompt, had begun to display the 
tempting food before the hungry crowd. At that mo- 
ment a large wave tossed the ship on her side, and 
again she gently rolled back. Another came, did its 
good work, and sped rapidly on its trackless road. 
When the third and biggest wave struck the ship, a 
majority of those at the table suddenly dropped their 
knives and forks, and looked as if they were expecting 
to hear something drop. 

" My stomach hurts," whispered Effie to Miss Bell ; 
" I shall have to go to my room." 

" Poor child !" replied Miss Bell. " Let me go with 
you." 



48 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

"No, no! don't miss your breakfast on my ac- 
count." 

" Go along, quick ; I'm sick, too." 

And away they went as fast as they could. 

I had begun to hope that Miss Stevenson was 
going to escape the terrible scourge, but all of a sudden 
her face grew deadly pale. 

" I think," said she, " that I would better look after 
Effie and Miss Bell ; I fear they are both sick." And 
away she went, leaving her breakfast untasted. 

By this time a large majority of the seats were va- 
cant, when the steward, pointing to a chair, invited me 
to occupy it. 

" JS T o, I thank you ; I'll go look after Effie. I am 
afraid she is very sick." 

I thought I saw a derisive smile steal over his face, 
and was about to give him a piece of my mind, but 
just then another huge wave struck the ship, which 
reminded me of important business that required my 
immediate attention on deck. 

An awful epidemic was prevailing when I arrived 
on top ; the passengers were getting down to their work 
handsomely. I joined the band as soon as I could 
reach the railing. I was performing my part of the 
task admirably, when a man offered me his sympathy. 
I then and there determined to kill him, but neglected 
to do it, on account of the important business which 
constantly demanded my attention. This peculiar 
business was of a nature that would not brook post- 
ponement. It took the best part of three days to get 
the matter completely settled. 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 49 

" Plague take the old ship !" groaned my left-hand 
neighbor, who was performing his work admirably. 
" I do wish she would lie still." 

Something less than fifteen hundred prescriptions 
had been recommended to me as infallible remedies 
and preventives against sea-sickness. I did not have 
time to give them all a fair trial, hence am not pre- 
pared to condemn them all ; but, on the other hand, I 
could not prevaricate so much as to endorse any of them. 

" Necessity is the mother of Invention." This is a 
new aphorism which I dare say the reader never saw 
in print. By way of proving its truth, I will embrace 
this occasion to say that necessity forced me to invent 
a plan to prevent sea-sickness. Please bear in mind 
the fact that I do not recommend it as a remedy, but 
as a preventive. If you would avoid sea-sickness, 
take my prescription ; I believe it not only the best, 
but I candidly think it is the only infallible prevent- 
ive. Here it is : " Never let the weight of your body 
rest on anything unless the aforesaid thing has real 
estate for its foundation." Any one who will strictly 
observe these instructions will never suffer with sea- 
sickness. A large number of the ladies have declared 
in the most emphatic terms that they will take my 
prescription as soon as the voyage is ended. 

Sea-sickness, somehow or other, manages to rob 
people of all dignity and pride. Imagine, if you can, 
how General Washington would look with his tall, 
stately form half bent, pressing his hands to his stomach 
and retching, while a hundred spectators laughed, 
joked, and enjoyed the fun. 



50 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

The hearts of all the sea-sick passengers were chuck- 
full of malice and envy against those who escaped the 
scourge, because the well ones were continually poking 
fun at the others. The plain truth is, those who never 
experienced it have no conception of the excruciating 
pain endured by those who are sea-sick. 

It was a noticeable fact that after the first stampede 
from the breakfast- table, until the end of the voyage 
there was no scarcity of vacant seats at the table ; in- 
deed, I may say that at no time were half of them 
occupied. I heard an old lady remark one day that 
" this business of carrying passengers across the ocean 
at eighty dollars a head is the money -making -est busi- 
ness I ever seen, because they don't hev to feed 'em 
at all." 

A friend who sincerely deplored my sad condition 
told me that a glass of champagne would afford in- 
stantaneous relief; having tried a dozen or two other 
useless remedies, I thought I could venture to test one 
more. With no little difficulty, I wended my way to 
the smoking-room and called for the wine. The 
steward, who at that time was engineering that depart- 
ment, filled a glass and held it toward me ; I attempted 
to take it, but a sudden lurch of the ship pitched me 
into his arms, emptying the wine on my devoted head. 
I think that was the best and most effective remedy of 
all. However, another glass was filled, and this I 
managed to swallow. 

My stomach had on its war-paint ; it was bent on 
mischief. Nothing could appease its wrath. The fact 
of the business is, it had lost all self-respect ; it had 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 51 

been mortally offended at the treatment it had received, 
and had evidently resolved to have revenge. As soon 
as I had swallowed the champagne open war was de- 
clared. I made a dash toward the railing at the very 
instant the railing made a dash at me. We met on the 
half-way ground, — rather abruptly, as one of my half- 
broken ribs could testify if proof were necessary. 
As my body struck the railing, a sailor cried, — 
" Oh, oh ! Don't break the ship to pieces." 
I looked round in every direction for a brick-bat to 
throw at his head, but saw none. Guess they don't 
carry articles of that sort on ocean steamers. The 
sailor seemed to understand that I was hunting some- 
thing with which to break his head, because at that 
moment he happened to think of business that required 
his attention in the hold. 

A rolling ship is the drunkard's paradise. He may 
reel and stagger as much as he pleases ; he may break 
his nose against the smoke-stack or embrace the floor 
affectionately — may soil his clothes, use profanity, act 
the fool generally. Nine out of every ten ladies will 
say, " Poor man ! He is so very sick." They will 
never have the slightest suspicion as to the real cause of 
his conduct : it is all attributed to sea-sickness. 

At the end of the third day my stomach and I made 
friends, buried the hatchet, and smoked the pipe of 
peace together, since which time we have considerably 
damaged the commissary department of the ship. It 
has made ample amends for all the misery it forced me 
to endure. It has discarded all nonsense and gone to 
work with a commendable energy. I felt like a new 



52 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

man; indeed, I mistook myself for somebody else. I 
was a boy again, with a disposition to prance and race 
about the deck with children. I felt as I imagine 
young lambs feel when they chase one another, hop- 
ping, skipping, and tumbling over one another on the 
sunny hill-side in early spring. Who would not en- 
dure three days of misery for such exquisite delight as 
one experiences after recovering from a spell of sea- 
sickness? The lungs expand with the invigorating salty 
air. The soul drinks delight while gazing on the 
charming picture painted by the hand of Nature. The 
broad blue ocean, with her lips kissing the sky; the 
huge body of the ship dashing the white foam high 
above her bow ; the plaintive song of the sailors ringing 
melodiously on the murmuring breeze ; the snow-white 
sea-gulls that flap their wings and hover near the ship, 
all combine to make up a scene filled with delightful 
entertainment for the passengers. 



CHAPTER IV. 

During the first two days of the voyage we encoun- 
tered wretched weather, which compelled the passen- 
gers to keep in-doors. A stiff breeze, which sailors 
called delightful and landsmen stormy, came constantly 
from the north, tinctured with the chilling influences 
furnished by the icebergs over which it had swept. 
Dark clouds hung low and looked threatening, while 



RAPID RAMBLINOS IN EUROPE. 53 

the sun, having become disgusted with the gloomy 
surroundings, retired from business. Fog completely 
covered the world, or at least that portion of it occu- 
pied by our ship. Fog was everywhere, in everything, 
over, under, and around everything; indeed, if the 
whole ocean had been converted into fog, the differ- 
ence could not have been discovered, for nothing could 
be seen twenty yards from the eyes. We could not 
hide from the fog, for it would come creeping through 
every little window or door, slip into our mouths, eyes, 
ears, and nostrils, settle on our heads, and moisten our 
clothes. We lived on fog — or rather, in fog — for two 
whole days. The dismal shriek of the fog-horn sounded 
every two minutes during the forty-eight hours, keep- 
ing us constantly reminded of the dangers to which 
we were exposed. 

Every morning the deputy steward would thrust his 
head through the door of my room and say, — 

" Eight o'clock, sir. Charming morning ! We are 
moving on finely." 

It mattered not with him about the facts of the case. 
If the ship had been sinking at that moment, he would 
have cried out, — 

" Eight o'clock, sir. Charming morning ! We are 
moving on finely ." 

If there can be found a type-setter who can read this 
manuscript, I would like to make his acquaintance ; I 
want to become interested in him, because he would be 
more valuable than real estate on Broadway, New 
York. The table on which I write this has a decided 
advantage over me ; it is fastened to the floor, while I 



54 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

am not. Every now and then it takes a notion to 
escape from me, and very frequently succeeds. It 
makes no noise, but occasionally it will make a sud- 
den dash to the larboard, invariably carrying my chair 
with it, leaving me sitting on the floor. When I get 
up and start after it, back it darts as quick as light- 
ning; then a collision invariably follows. 

On Friday the breeze began to stiffen, and before 
ten o'clock the waves were occasionally leaping on the 
upper deck, making it rather hazardous for a landsman 
to attempt to walk on it. I, being driven to despera- 
tion by intense suffering, and not caring much for 
consequences, boldly set out to walk from my room to 
the smoking-saloon. But I did not quite reach it that 
day. I managed to reach the upper deck, when I was 
pitched headforemost into the purser's office while the 
purser stood at his desk. I was apologizing for my 
abrupt entrance, when the office suddenly went away, 
carrying the purser along with it and leaving me occu- 
pying a horizontal position on the floor. With the 
assistance of two sailors who answered my signals of 
distress, I succeeded in reaching my room, where I 
quietly remained until the weather changed. 

There are various modes of amusement to be found 
aboard of the ship when the state of the weather is 
such as to permit their use. Chess, dominoes, draughts, 
whist, euchre, cribbage, and draw poker were exten- 
sively indulged in. Pool-selling usually began every 
night in the smoking-saloon immediately after supper, 
especially when the weather was on its good behavior. 

The following explanation will show what is meant 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 55 

by pool-selling. The average speed of the ship was 
three hundred and twenty-five miles per day, though 
she often made three hundred and fifty, and sometimes 
as low as three hundred and eighteen. Every day, 
precisely at noon, the figures announcing the previous 
day's run were fastened on the bulletin-board. Each 
person who desired to participate in the lottery paid a 
dollar into the treasury and drew out a number. After 
the numbers were all drawn, an auctioneer would sell 
to the highest bidder the privilege of taking first choice 
of the said numbers. Those numbers that corresponded 
with the last day's run usually sold much higher than 
the rest. The bidding was sometimes quite spirited, 
and the amusement lively and interesting. The holder 
of the number that came nearest to the number of miles 
run by the ship was, of course, the winner of the prize, 
which included all the money in the treasury. The 
lucky individual was always required to pay for the 
champagne for the party. 

A disposition to wager small sums upon any question 
that was mentioned seemed to prevail among many of 
the passengers. It could not be considered a disposi- 
tion to gamble for the sake of the money, because the 
winner always spent his winnings in purchasing wine 
and cigars for his companions. 

I have witnessed many a closely-contested race on 
the turf where thoroughbred horses gallantly contested 
for the prize, while an excited multitude yelled and 
cheered their favorites ; but while on this voyage I saw 
a race the novelty of which surpassed anything I ever 
beheld. 



56 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

" Whales ! whales !" was the cry that rang out on the 
air. This cry brought on deck everybody except those 
who were too ill to stir. A couple of monster whales 
appeared within half a mile of the ship, running with 
great speed directly toward her, while every now and 
then they sent long columns of white spray far above 
the waves. A man offered to wager a box of cigars 
that the north whale would pass the ship before the 
other ; which proposition was promptly accepted.' The 
two monsters were running parallel with and near to 
each other, while their course would bring them near 
the ship. Haifa dozen bets were made on the race in 
less than two minutes. An offer of two to one was 
made on the north whale, which was at once accepted ; 
but before the money was put up the south whale made 
a sudden dash forward, passing the ship a hundred feet 
ahead of the north one. It was a grand sight to see 
them spouting white clouds of spray high in the air as 
they rapidly passed by us. 

Saturday night the storm gradually dwindled down 
to a perfect calm, and next morning the sun rose be- 
neath a cloudless sky, spreading a cheerful influence 
over everything, which had the effect of crowding the 
deck with convalescent ladies. We had divine service 
at noon, the captain officiating under the rules of the 
Established Church of England. The services were 
short, but impressive, ending with a prayer for the 
Queen, the Prince of Wales, and the President of the 
United States. I sincerely hope that the prayer was 
favorably answered, as I dare say those distinguished 
persons very much need divine mercy. I was, how- 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 57 

ever, greatly puzzled to know why the good old captain 
should be so partial as to single those individuals out, 
when we knew the French President needs praying for 
more than any of them. 

An unusual sadness prevailed among all the passen- 
gers on the morning of the 11th, when the news 
rapidly circulated informing the passengers that a 
young lady had died the previous night and would be 
buried from the forecastle at ten o'clock. My thoughts 
instantly reverted to the parting interview which I had 
witnessed at New York between the young farmer and 
the consumptive girl. Sam's sweetheart was dead. 
I remembered her parting words ; indeed, I tried to 
forget them, but could not do it. I could hear them 
ringing in my ear all the morning after I heard of her 
death : " I may die before I get home ; sharks may de- 
vour my body ; but when I am in heaven, be assured 
you have an attorney to plead for you." Sam's elo- 
quent attorney had gone to the celestial court to plead 
his cause according to promise, and the sharks would 
soon devour the frail body, as she had prophesied. Under 
any circumstances a burial at sea is a sorrowful scene 
to behold, but the peculiar surroundings of this case 
made it doubly sad. The deceased had been in America 
three years, and was expecting to meet her mother at 
Queenstown ; but now her body was to be cast into the 
ocean fifteen hundred miles from land. 

The tolling of the bell notified the passengers, who 
assembled on deck to witness the strange but melan- 
choly burial. A long plank was placed on the rail- 
ing, the coffin being put on one end, while half a dozen 



58 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

sailors held the other. The Catholic burial-service was 
read by a priest, the coffin sprinkled with holy water, 
the signal given, the plank tilted over, and the mortal 
remains of Sam's sweetheart plunged into the ocean. 

I could not shake off the feeling of sadness which 
the sight of this solemn funeral had produced, while all 
the passengers seemed to have been deeply impressed 
by it. The prevailing gloom fixed itself upon the 
sailors as well as upon the passengers, for their lively 
songs were no longer heard on deck. 

The next day appearances were more enlivening. 
The sky was so bright and clear, the atmosphere so 
exhilarating, the sea so smooth and blue, that we could 
not think of anything sad while surrounded by such 
delightful influences. 



CHAPTEE Y. 

Liverpool, June 17, 1883. 
Early on the evening of the 14th the welcome cry 
of " Land !" rang out from the forecastle ; which cry 
instantly brought the passengers to the upper deck 
with their spy-glasses. The dull gray crags that bor- 
der the Irish coast could be dimly seen, looking like 
little clouds hovering near the water. All eyes were 
concentrated on those distant objects and strained to 
their utmost capacity, while a hundred field-glasses 
were aiming in the same direction. 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 59 

At the end of an hour from the time land was first 
discovered, two tall crags (called the "cow and calf") 
could be distinctly seen rearing their dark-gray crests 
in a perpendicular line above the water, while far away 
to the right a low range of hills appeared, dotted over 
with snow-white cottages. What a charming sight for 
one to gaze upon, after being cribbed, cabined, and 
confined for ten weary days on a ship ! The pulse 
beats quickly, the heart leaps with joy, the mind is 
intoxicated by the lovely picture. 

When, at midnight, the ship anchored off Queens- 
town for the purpose of delivering the mail, I heard a 
loud scream on board of the little- boat that came out 
to meet us. It was a wail of despair uttered by the 
dead girl's mother, who, instead of clasping her daugh- 
ter to her heart, as she had so fondly hoped to do, 
received the news of her death. 

On the morning of the 15th we were regaled by a 
delightful view of the Welsh coast, whose distant 
mountains seemed to mingle their lofty crests with the 
sky, while a gray wall of rocks abruptly rose from the 
water's edge to a height of six hundred feet. Another 
hour's run, and the broad, rich valley of the Dee lay 
before our eyes, shining in the bright rays of the sun 
like a sea of molten gold. The Dee at this point con- 
stitutes the line between Wales and England. The 
river discharges its waters into the Irish Sea through 
an estuary nine miles in length. The ship hugged the 
shore so closely that we could see the farmers plough- 
ing in their fields, and hear the merry song of the 
peasants who drove their teams along the road. After 



60 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

passing the mouth of the Dee, village after village 
appeared so rapidly as to make it like one continuous 
city all the way to Birkenhead. 

At four o'clock in the afternoon the ship dropped her 
anchor in the Mersey River, at least a mile from Liver- 
pool, which was a surprise as well as a great disap- 
pointment to me, for I was expecting to be able to step 
ashore from the deck as passengers can do at New 
York. An hour was wasted in waiting for a little 
boat to come out after the passengers who shivered 
on deck as they impatiently gazed at the distant 
city. I dislike to say harsh things about men, but 
I think an indictment for assault and battery with 
intent to kill would lie against the company owning 
that line for the cruel manner in which they tortured 
their passengers on that occasion. Three hundred 
people were crowded on the uncovered deck of a little 
boat not large enough to afford standing-room for 
that number, while a chilling rain pelted them in the 
face, on the head, and on every side, and a strong, cold 
wind drove the soaking raindrops to the skin. No 
room to hoist umbrellas without drenching half a dozen 
other miserable mortals with a deluge of water. I 
assert it as fact that the entire covered portion of that 
boat did not exceed thirty feet square, and that not 
more than one person in ten could find a seat or shel- 
ter, notwithstanding the fact that many of them were 
very ill. Now, I think that the commanders of their 
ships ought to be instructed to pray for that company 
instead of for the Prince of Wales and the President 
of the United States, for I am sure its members are in 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. Q\ 

great Deed of mercy. There is no excuse whatever 
that can justify a company in treating their passengers 
with such inhumanity. It will not do for them to say 
they cannot help it, because, if the depth of the channel 
is not sufficient to float larger boats, let them furnish 
more of them. 

No sooner had the boat touched the quay than I 
attempted to step off, when a red-faced fat man rudely 
seized my arm and said, — 

"Old hon there, sir! You can't get hoff that 
whay." 

I held on, as directed ; so did the rain and the wind 
that was chilling the marrow in my bones. 

I happened to spy my valise that had been violently 
thrown on the floor, and I proceeded to take it up. 

" Old hon there, sir ! You can't take that are con- 
cern." 

" It is my property," I meekly replied. 

" Hit makes no difference hiff hit his yourn ; you 
can't move hit." 

Trunks, valises, carpet-sacks, and all sorts of pack- 
ages were tossed into a promiscuous heap on the floor, 
where an army of revenue employes made a raid on 
them and began to carry them into a spacious wooden 
barn hard by. 

While I was endeavoring to keep an eye on our bag- 
gage by running after the men who were removing it, 
a man knocked me down with a trunk as he dashed by 
like a railway-engine, and before I had time to get up 
another man fell over me. I was highly delighted to 
find that he was badly hurt. I was about to lie down 

6 



62 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

again with a view of crippling two or three more of 
them, when the ladies called for me, which deprived 
me of the anticipated pleasure. 

Adjoining the barn was a small ante-chamber not 
over twenty feet square, into which I conducted the 
ladies. This room contained neither fire nor seats, nor 
anything else but a score of shivering people, who 
were ordered to remain there until the barn-door 
should be opened. At the end of an hour I was 
preparing to dictate my last will and testament, hav- 
ing abandoned all hopes of surviving this sad occasion, 
when I heard a loud clear voice ring out : 

" Is Colonel Falkner in this crowd ?" 

In a meek voice I replied : 

" Here is a melancholy wreck — a feeble representa- 
tive of Colonel Falkner." 

" My name is Alfred Valscratchembottler ; I am the 
courier." 

I am not right sure I have spelled his name cor- 
rectly, for I was governed by his pronunciation of it. 
No matter about the name; he proved to be a gold-mine 
on that occasion, for he soon managed to get our bag- 
gage through the custom-house, and in a few moments 
thereafter we were seated in a carriage and dashing 
rapidly toward the Compton House. I have no idea 
when the rest of the passengers got through the cus- 
tom-house, but I suppose it was done in a little less 
than a week. 

I could scarcely walk when I entered the hotel, 
because it was standing perfectly still. I started to go 
through the door, missed it, and embraced the wall : I 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 63 

had overlooked the fact that a hotel and a ship differ 
in many respects. One rolls and plunges ; the other 
does not. The carpet did not fly up and hit my face, 
as I was expecting it to do ; the door did not move to 
one side or the other when I ventured to walk in, as 
ship-doors invariably do. It was the immovability of 
everything that defeated my calculations. If, on a 
ship, you wish to enter a door, you do not walk square 
up to it and go in, but you make a dash at the wall a 
yard or two to the right or the left of it, as the case 
may be, always keeping an eye on the motion of the 
ship. It is an interesting sight to see an experienced 
sailor go into those small doors. You would imagine 
that he was trying to commit suicide by butting his 
brains out against the wall, for he will make a dash, 
not at the door but at the wall ; but, somehow or other 
the door will always come along just in time to take 
him in. If you make a dash at the door, you damage 
the wall, but miss the aforesaid door. We, however, 
managed to effect an entrance into the hotel, where we 
found splendid rooms engaged for us by our courier, 
who, according to previous engagement, had promised 
to meet us here. He had likewise ordered supper for 
the party, which you may be sure we appreciated very 
much. I have seldom enjoyed a meal so well as I did 
that one. The truth is, I had not eaten what Western 
miners call a square meal since I left the hotel at New 
York. 

Soon after supper a great noise was heard on the 
streets. A flabby bass-drum and a consumptive brass 
horn, accompanied by a wheezing fife, were making a 



64 RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. 

most fearful noise, while a motley crowd of men, women, 
and yelling boys marched after them. All were sing- 
ing, though every one appeared to be running a separate 
concert. 

" Well," said Miss S., as she gazed at the strange 
procession, " it is absolutely certain that the fool-killer 
has not been here lately." 

" What on earth does it mean ?" inquired Effie. 

" It's the Salvation Army," says the courier. 

" < Salvation/ indeed !" said Miss B. " If that's the 
army that the cause of Christ has to depend on for 
support, it's a ruined community, certain." 

Immediately after breakfast on the morning of the 
17th we took a carriage-drive, visiting all the promi- 
nent places of interest in the city. 

An idea had entered my mind that Liverpool was 
located on the shore of the Irish Sea, but it is on the right 
bank of the Mersey River, four miles above its mouth. 
Large ships could not come up to the wharf. The Liver- 
pool docks are said to be the largest and the best in the 
world; they cover over five hundred acres of water. 
On the Liverpool side they extend down the river a 
distance of five miles, and two miles on the Birkenhead 
side. The length of the quay is ten miles on the right 
and sixteen miles on the left bank of the river. A 
solid stone wall eleven feet thick, forty feet high, and 
five miles in length protects the ships from storms 
while in the dock. They are constructed below the 
city mostly, where plenty of water is afforded for the 
largest ships. Fifty million dollars is the estimated 
cost of the docks. Many of the public buildings rank 



RAPID RAMBLINOS IN EUROPE. (55 

high among the best in Europe- St. George's Hall, a 
magnificent edifice constructed in the Corinthian style, 
presents an imposing appearance. It is encircled with 
a corridor the roof of which is supported by a row of 
huge marble columns forty-five feet high. Two large 
rooms are set apart for the holding of assizes. The 
grand hall — or concert-hall, as it is called — is one 
hundred and sixty-one feet long by seventy-five wide. 
But we extracted more pleasure out of our visit to the 
Zoological Garden than out of any other. 

Liverpool in many respects resembles the American 
cities, while the habits of the citizens are still more like 
those of the inhabitants of our towns. 



CHAPTER VI. 



Kenilworth, June 18, 1883. 

I have somehow managed to get myself considerably 
mixed with the name and writings of Sir Walter Scott. 
I rose fifty per cent, in my own estimation this morn- 
ing when I was informed by the landlord that I had 
slept in the identical room occupied by the famous 
novelist and poet. 

" Why, sir, it is a fact," said my host, " that Sir 
Walter wrote ' Ken il worth' in that very chamber. He 
slept in the same bed you reposed on last night." 

" Have the sheets been changed since he slept there ?" 

The answer to this question was too much tinctured 
with irreverence to look well in print. 
e 6* 



66 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

" Did Sir Walter leave any message or papers here 
for me ?" I meekly inquired. 

" What in the deuce did Sir Walter Scott know or 
care about you ?" 

" That is the very thing I am trying to find out. 
He certainly did not know I was coming here to com- 
pose poetry in his room, else he would have left some 
suggestions or advice for me." 

More irreverence from the host as he rapidly walked 
away. 

" This landlord thinks there is something wrong with 
your mind/' said the courier. 

" That proves his good sense," I replied. " I have 
arrived at a conclusion of that sort myself." 

After having satisfactorily investigated the numerous 
curiosities of Liverpool, we set out on our way to the 
grand old city of Chester on Sunday afternoon. In 
order to reach the railway-station at Birkenhead, we 
had to cross the Mersey River in a diminutive ferry- 
boat. Conducting the ladies into the little cabin, I 
took a seat, and while conversing with them, was ac- 
costed by a robust Englishman with rubicund cheeks, 
who said, — 

"You'll 'ev ter come hout o' 'ere, sir; hit's agin 
horders fer gentlemen ter stop in the ladies' cabin." 

" I beg your pardon, sir," I replied; "I am travel- 
ling with these ladies, and therefore prefer to stay with 
them." 

" Thet don't signify nuthink. Horders is horders, 
an you'll 'ev ter hobey 'em ; you ev ter come hout." 

I rose to my feet, straightened my commanding form 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 67 

to its utmost height, inflated my lungs with a supply 
of fresh air, and went out. 

The distance from Liverpool to Chester is only 
seventeen miles; the train made the run in thirty 
minutes. We secured comfortable apartments at the 
Queen's Hotel, and immediately thereafter were driv- 
ing through the streets of this quaint old city. The 
exact age of this ancient town is not accurately known, 
though it was occupied by Roman soldiers when Julius 
Csesar invaded Gaul. It is situated on the right bank 
of the Dee, and is inclosed by a substantial stone wall 
eight feet thick and twenty-five feet high. On the top 
of the wall is a spacious road, perfectly smooth and 
beautiful, affording a magnificent view of the sur- 
rounding country. 

An old tower was pointed out to us by our guide, 
on which it is said Charles I. stood and witnessed the 
defeat of his army , by Cromwell on Rowton Moor. 
The inscription carved on the wall of the tower fixes 
the date of the eventful battle in the year 1645. The 
result of this bloody contest sealed the fate of the king, 
who was beheaded very soon afterward. 

We visited the grand old cathedral, which was built 
about nine hundred years ago. The walls are con- 
structed of red sandstone, which the pelting storms of 
nine centuries have materially damaged. I noticed 
that the corners were worn smooth and changed from 
their original shape, while in many places large de- 
pressions appeared in the wall. The interior pre- 
sented rather a gloomy appearance, though the large 
Gothic columns that supported the roof had no doubt 



68 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

been beautiful five hundred years ago. A young man 
was delivering a Sabbath-school lecture to a score or 
two of children, who were shooting paper-balls at one 
another with an energy worthy of the occasion. I sat 
down and enjoyed the sport very well, until a mis- 
chievous urchin shot me on the nose with a gravel. I 
at once ordered my brigade to fall back slowly. We 
effected our escape without material damage. 

From the summit of King Charles' Tower may be 
had a splendid view of the long, straight range of 
Welsh mountains which thrust their pale-blue crests 
high above the Dee valley. 

The most interesting show exhibited to us by our 
accommodating guide was the old dilapidated house 
from whence Lord Derby was led to execution. We 
were met at the entrance by a pretty little blue-eyed 
lass, not over twelve years old, who proposed to show 
us through the building. 

" This is the Lord Derby's writing-desk," she said, 
as she laid her hand on an old oaken table. 

" That's not a desk," said Effie ; « it's a table." 

" It used to be a desk," promptly replied the little 
maiden, " but the top has been taken off. The noble- 
man was writing on that desk when he was arrested. 
That is his arm-chair, and this is the very bedstead 
on which the earl slept ; and that is his picture." 

When we took our leave, I (as did each member of 
the party) slipped a sixpence into her pretty little hand. 
It was worth ten shillings to see the graceful courtesy 
she made as she received the contributions. She would 
throw the left foot back so as to bring the toe against 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. QQ 

the heel of the right foot, then dip down and up like a 
puppet worked by springs. 

After supper I was leisurely strolling alone outside 
of the city limits, enjoying the luxury of a cigar, when 
I heard a tumultuous noise emanating from an old, 
rickety wooden building. I listened a moment, when 
I was somewhat startled by piercing shrieks uttered in 
rapid succession. 

"What on earth is the matter here?" I hurriedly 
asked a man who was emerging from the house. 

" Walk in, sir, and see for yourself," he replied, with 
a derisive smile ; and in I went. 

The large hall was full of excited people. A woman 
stood on a bench making a deafening noise with a pair 
of cymbals, which she was belaboring- with all her 
strength, at the same time singing in a wild-cat voice ; 
another was endeavoring to burst the head of a bass- 
drum ; while a third was screaming loudly and beating 
the air with her clinched fists, as if she was angry 
with it. Half a dozen girls were preaching to as 
many groups of men, who gathered round them, each 
one endeavoring to pitch her voice so as to be heard 
above the horrible uproar. 

" Go it, Sal \" cried a young man who stood on a 
bench smoking a pipe. " Stir 'em hup, Sal ! give 'em 
fits!" 

" Look out, Liz V yelled another. " You're a lettin' 
Sal git the 'eels on ye !" 

It would take too much space to give a complete 
description of this disgusting scene. Twenty-five or 
thirty men were dancing on the seats, while as many 



70 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

more were proposing to bet on their respective favor- 
ites, alluding to the girls who were preaching. This 
was a branch of the Salvation Army. I have never 
seen or heard the cause of Christ so outrageously dis- 
honored, and I earnestly hope I never shall see or 
hear it again. If everybody in the house had been 
beastly intoxicated, they could not have conducted 
themselves more disgracefully. 

Suddenly the drum-beater made for the street, fol- 
lowed by girls with the brass horn and cymbals. The 
crowd rushed after them promiscuously, shouting and 
yelling like demons, marching in a confused mass 
toward the city. I cannot say that they continued the 
screaming while parading the streets of the city. I 
suppose the police would have something to say about 
that. They were outside the city when I saw them. 
I was delighted at this ocular proof that all the fools 
had not emigrated to the United States, but sorry 
indeed to discover that the fool-killer had been neg- 
lecting his duty. 

Without waiting to shake the dust of Chester from 
our feet, we boarded a train bound for Warwick at six 
on Monday morning. 

The country between Chester and Warwick is said 
to be the best, and I think it decidedly the prettiest, in 
all England. In point of wealth and culture (if we 
are to judge from appearances) it far surpasses any 
other portion of the kingdom. As far as the eye 
could see, on both sides of the road, it looked like 
a well-cultivated garden. The dark-green, neatly- 
trimmed hedges crossing one another at right angles 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 71 

on every hand looked like so many floral festoons 
woven by skilful hands. Palatial residences cosily en- 
sconced behind innumerable umbrageous trees ; broad, 
beautiful avenues shaded by thrifty fruit-orchards j 
spacious barns and stables built of red-painted brick ; 
beautiful peasant cottages enshrouded with verdant 
vines ; vast herds of fat cattle lazily browsing on 
green fields of clover; charming little clear- water 
canals winding and twisting along, with banks fringed 
with overhanging willows; broad, level carriage-roads 
as smooth as a parlor floor, — all contribute their quota 
of beauty to the picturesque scene. 

Only two hours were consumed in the run from 
Chester to Warwick. Having deposited our baggage 
at the Warwick Arms and ordered lunch to be served 
at twelve o'clock, we bent our course toward the re- 
nowned castle of Warwick, which occupies an elevated 
position on the crest of a lofty eminence overlooking 
the town. A broad carriage-road leads from the outer 
gate up to the castle. The road is cut to a depth of 
twenty feet in a solid rock, on top of which an arch is 
formed of trees and creeping vines, forming a complete 
canopy through which the rays of the sun could not 
penetrate. 

The castle, though nearly nine hundred years old, 
is yet in an excellent state of preservation, and will 
no doubt withstand the storm of nine centuries more, 
if properly cared for. It is well worth a visit to 
England to see this famous old castle, where the great 
king-maker resided over four hundred years ago. 
Richard Nevil, Earl of Warwick, made and unmade 



72 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

kings with the same ease as that with which a tennis- 
player sets up and knocks down the pins. He was the 
father of Queen Anne, who had the misfortune to be 
the wife of Richard III. She was the youngest daugh- 
ter of Earl Warwick, and was famous for the beauty 
of her person, as well as for the brilliancy of her mind. 
Her bridal-couch was pointed out to us by the steward 
who has charge of the castle. It rested on a curiously- 
carved old oaken bedstead, the clumsy posts of which 
reached nearly to the lofty ceiling. On top of the 
posts rested a dark-red canopy lined with costly 
velvet. The bed was covered with a quilt of crimson 
silk. 

" This," said the steward, " is the identical bed on 
which the bloody Richard slept." 

" They say his guilty conscience would not let him 
sleep," exclaimed a pretty little girl who was listening 
to the conversation. 

" That is no doubt true," returned the steward, smil- 
ing kindly on the little girl. " This is the bed on 
which he tried to sleep." 

I did not weep much over the memory of the hapless 
queen, because she richly deserved the sad fate that 
overtook her. She had solemnly betrothed herself to 
a noble young prince, who devotedly loved her; she 
forsook him to marry a deformed demon. 

Many quaint old relics are to be seen here, promi- 
nent among which are an old clock and a pearl-covered 
table formerly the property of Marie Antoinette, and a 
large clumsy hair trunk in which Queen Anne packed 
her wardrobe when travelling. The giant Guy's forage- 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 73 

pot holds one hundred gallons, his sword weighs 
twenty pounds, the breastplate of his armor is forty- 
four inches in length. If it is true that he was tall 
enough to wear that breastplate, his height was nothing 
short of nine feet. Oliver Cromwell's armor and a 
plaster-cast bust of him were pointed out to us. The 
armor of Earl Gray from head to foot was only sixteen 
inches longer than Guy's breastplate; his statue, by 
the side of the great giant, would look like a Liliputian 
by the side of Gulliver. 

The interior of this famous castle contains a perfect 
museum of ancient wonders, giving one a pretty correct 
idea of the customs and styles in vogue five hundred 
years ago. There is one room called " the Vandyck 
Chamber/' taking its name from the excellent paintings 
which adorn the walls. Vandyck appears to be the 
favorite among the English. 

The present owner of this grand old castle is Earl 
George Guy Greville, who occupies it as a residence, 
except when on duty at London as a member of the 
House of Lords. The outside appearance of the castle 
is superbly grand. The lofty old gray polygon tower 
dedicated to the Earl Guy rears its majestic head one 
hundred and twenty-eight feet above the base. On 
the left the venerable Caesar's Tower, said to have been 
built about the time of the Norman Conquest, stands 
boldly up, uninjured by the ravages of eight hundred 
years. The walls of the castle are ten feet thick, com- 
posed of huge blocks of polished limestone. The 
waters of the beautiful Avon go rushing and foaming 
along over the rocks on the north side of the castle ; a 



74 RAPID RAMBLINOS IN EUROPE. 

charming view of the river can be had from the battle- 
ments of the tower. The walls are completely covered 
with dark-green ivy-vines that cling to them from the 
base to the dome. Inside of the outer wall may be 
seen many beautiful cedars of Lebanon that were 
brought from the Holy Land. 

The most interesting relic on exhibition at the castle 
is a complete suit of exquisitely-wrought armor, which 
was w r orn by Queen Elizabeth on the journey from 
London to Kenilworth. A magnificently-shaped wooden 
steed stands proudly pawing the earth, completely 
covered with the horse-armor, saddle, bridle, accoutre- 
ments used by the queen. One of the finest pictures 
to be seen here is " The Battle of the Amazons," which 
was copied from the works of Rubens. Many of the 
most interesting scenes from Sir Walter Scott's novel of 
" Kenilworth" are depicted by splendid carving on the 
doors. One represents Queen Elizabeth meeting with 
Amy Robsart near the castle of Kenilworth ; another, 
her interview with Robert Dudley, Earl of Leicester, 
after she had discovered his treachery. These splendid 
carvings are of very modern workmanship. Many 
incidents connected with the bloody war between the 
" White and Red Roses" are represented here, both in 
pictures and in fine carvings. Indeed, a history of 
Richard Nevil, the king-maker, is the history of 
Richard III., Edward IV., and Henry VI., because 
he played a conspicuous part in building up and tear- 
ing down their respective dynasties. He was killed 
at the battle of Burnet, in 1471, while endeavoring to 
dethrone Edward IV., whom but a few years pre*- 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 75 

viously he had placed on the throne. Warwick's 
oldest daughter, Isabel, was the wife of George, Duke 
of Clarence. Her husband was drowned in a butt of 
malmsey wine at the Tower, his own brother, Richard, 
Duke of Gloster, assisting the murderers. 

Three or four hours spent in wandering through the ., 
rooms of the castle, climbing up and down lofty towers, 
strolling through shady paths and the clustering shrub- 
bery, had the effect of sharpening our appetites ; conse- 
quently we were prepared to enjoy the excellent lunch 
which we found ready for us on our return to the 
hotel. 

At one o'clock we drove out to Guy's Cliff House, 
situated on the bank of the Avon, one and a quarter 
miles from Warwick. The history I had read of it 
led me to think I would see an old, crumbling ruin 
located on some tall cliff; but, on the contrary, I be- 
held one of the prettiest castles extant, situated on a 
smooth, sloping hill, overlooking the dancing waters of 
the Avon. One who did not know its history would 
suppose it had been built during the present century. 
The walls, towers, and battlements are in a perfect 
state of preservation, exhibiting no evidences of age or 
of decay. The interior, however, presents a much more 
ancient appearance than one would imagine from its 
exterior aspect. A broad, beautiful avenue, completely 
canopied with Scotch fir-trees and neatly - trimmed 
vines, leads from the public road to the castle. I have 
seen nothing as yet that can compare with it in point 
of beauty. The cave where Earl Guy was said to have 
spent the latter days of his life as a hermit was shown 



76 RAPID RAMBL1NGS IN EUROPE. 

to us. An old stone mill-house stands just below the 
castle, almost hidden from view by innumerable dark- 
green trees. It was grinding corn when we saw it, 
just as it did five hundred years ago, and, judging 
from its history and appearance, I should think it 
would do the same during the next five centuries. 

The miller intently watched me as I went slipping 
about among his sacks. 

" What are you looking for ?" he inquired. 

" Nothing in particular," said I. 

" Then Til show it to you, if you'll follow me." 

I followed him. 

" There it is, just behind that old stone arch." 

"There is what?" 

" The very spot where the Earl of Warwick con- 
cealed himself when Cromwell was after him." 

"Oh, indeed!" exclaimed Effie. "And did he 
catch him ?" 

"I don't think he did," said the miller, as he 
shouldered a sack of corn and emptied it into the 
hopper. 

The Avon is a very little river. It is really giving 
it a misnomer to call it a river, because it is nothing 
more than a medium-sized creek. 



RAPID RAMBL1NGS IN EUROPE. 77 



CHAPTER VII. 

We enjoyed a delightful carriage-ride from "Warwick 
to Stratford-on-Avon, a distance of eight miles, over a 
broad, smooth road leading through a landscape of 
picturesque beauty. Each side of the road was bor- 
dered with majestic elms, whose widespread iug foliage 
made a thick shelter overhead. Our carriage was 
drawn by a pair of high-mettled steeds that went 
dashing along at a sweeping trot, carrying us to the 
village at the end of an hour. 

Charming, cosey little Stratford ! Thy fame as the 
birthplace of the Bard of Avon is co-extensive with the 
limits of civilization. Who does not envy England, in 
whose bosom sleeps the body of William Shakespeare? 
Who does not envy Stratford for the glory she claims 
as his birthplace? Who, outside of England, would 
ever have heard of Stratford but for this grand chief 
of all poets? What peculiar charm lingers round 
Stratford to attract visitors from the farthest corners 
of the globe? Is it her old decaying houses or her 
time-stained churches ? or is it the beauty of her shady 
walks that adorn the banks of the Avon? No, no ; it 
is the little handful of dust that rests beneath a plain 
marble slab in the Church of the Holy Trinity, — all 
that is left of the man whose wonderful brain filled the 
world with new ideas, new thoughts, and charming 
poetry. 

7* 



$ 



78 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

Our carriage halted in front of a curious old wooden 
house, the front of which edges the pavement, while a 
rude little portico overhangs a portion of the sidewalk. 
The side of the roof slopes toward the street, so that it 
drains the water on the pavement. Four small dormer- 
windows project out- from the roof, containing a four- 
glass sash. One of these dormer-windows furnished the 
first ray of light that ever fell on the eyes of William 
Shakespeare. He was born in a large square room 
with low wooden ceiling, which is entered by a rickety 
old stairway from the basement. We were met at the 
door by an ancient female clad in black alpaca; her 
head was covered with a white linen cap with white 
ruffles. She smiled sweetly, courtesied very low, and 
invited us to enter. We straightway entered, because 
that was what we went for. 

The old woman at once tackled the all-absorbing 
topic which we came on purpose to discuss. 

" Walk in, ladies ; walk in, gentlemen," said she, as 
she skipped about the room as frisky as a young lass, 
bowing and rubbing her hands all the time. " Fll 
first show you the kitchen, if you'll please to come this 
way." 

Then we were conducted into a dingy little room 
which had a ten-feet fireplace, walled up on each side 
and back with large flat slabs of blue limestone. A 
huge square beam of gnarled oak spanned the top of 
the fireplace, serving as a mantel. The floor was 
covered with smooth blocks of stone. 

"Please don't take that;" and I didn't. I was 
endeavoring to pluck a little fragment of the rock 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 79 

from the* hearth. "Now, ladies, if you'll follow, I'll 
show you the very room in which the great poet was 
born." 

I was not included in the invitation ; I suppose it 
was because she had caught me in the act of vandalism. 
I went nevertheless. 

Ten narrow steps landed us in the room where 
William Shakespeare was born, — the room where he 
had many a time cried himself to sleep, just as babies 
do now • the room where he had, no doubt, laid on his 
back hour after hour sucking his big toe, just like the 
babies do in these days. 

At the foot of the stairs I discovered an old wooden 
button fastened to the door-post with a rusty screw. 
It was nearly worn through by constant use for over 
two hundred years. Its office was to hold the door 
shutter to the post when closed. 

" How often was this old button turned by the fingers 
of the great bard !" said I to myself. 

I cast a covetous eye on the aforesaid button, and 
then and there resolved to secure it for a relic. 

" What harm can it be to take a little insignificant 
bit of timber that could be of no use to anybody ?" was 
a question propounded mentally. 

Answer : " None." 

" Then I'll watch for an opportunity to steal it." 

" I beg your pardon, sir," said the woman, as she 
laid her hand on my arm • " you must put that button 
back from whence you took it. I have orders not to 
let anything go." 

I had already removed the button from the door to ^ 



80 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

my pocket, and will not attempt to describe the chagrin 
I felt when I was forced to replace it. 

The old woman, I think, suspicioned and watched 
me from the start. I believe any other person in the 
house might have stolen that button without the slightest 
chance of being detected. I fear that I shall be forced 
to be honest, for want of capacity to succeed otherwise. 

"This," said the female detective, "is the poet's 
sitting-room. There is his arm-chair; that is the desk 
used by him while at the grammar-school." 

Instantly I sat down on the arm-chair. I dare say 
Shakespeare never for a moment thought that his chair 
would be honored by being permitted to afford rest to 
such a distinguished American citizen. 

It is said that there is only one real perfect picture 
of Shakespeare now in existence. It is preserved with 
great care in a large wrought-iron safe, which is kept 
open during the day and securely locked at night. It 
was painted when the poet was in the meridian of life. 
His broad, intellectual-looking brow forms the most 
striking part of the picture. The hair is of very light 
auburn color; indeed, it only lacks a slight shade of being 
red. His moustache is very long and slightly curled 
up at the ends ; it is quite red. The picture represents 
him as dressed in a scarlet coat hanging rather loosely 
about the body, a broad, square, turn-down collar, while 
a narrow black cravat is carelessly tied in front of his 
large, full, white neck. Take it all in all, it is very 
handsome ; the ladies said, — 

" Beautiful ! charming ! exquisite /" 

The body of the house is constructed with upright 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 31 

wooden posts four inches square, placed four feet apart, 
with horizontal timbers notched into the upright posts, 
so as to leave square spaces of four feet, which are filled 
up with laths and plastering. The house has been used 
as a butcher-shop. What a contrast have we here ! 
First it sheltered the world's greatest poet, then it 
sheltered slaughtered sheep and dead pigs, then it was 
converted into a hotel, and finally it became the prop- 
erty of the nation. The house is preserved by hot-air 
pipes, which expel dampness. 

Shakespeare was born here in 1564, and died within 
two hundred yards of the same spot in 1616, in the 
fifty-second year of his age, after having composed 
works that will perpetuate his name as long as civiliza- 
tion shall last. On one of the panes of glass in a front 
window appears the name of Sir Walter Scott, which 
was written by himself with a diamond ring. I pro- 
posed to give the superintendent a shilling to let me 
write my name under that of Sir Walter, which offer 
she promptly accepted. But when I was ready to 
begin writing, I found that I had neglected to bring my 
diamond ring with me, and it did not require much 
conversation to convince me that the same misfortune 
prevailed among my travelling-companions. The next 
time I go there I will not leave my diamond ring. 

The kind woman finally bowed us out, being careful 
all the while to watch me closely. I was reluctantly 
forced to go without having been able to filch any- 
thing. 

The house where Shakespeare resided after his re- 
turn from London, and the same in which he died, has 
/ 



82 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

been torn down and moved, but the spot is there yet. 
It is near the corner of Chapel Street and Chapel Lane. 
A large plot of ground, which was used by the poet as 
a park and garden, extends from the spot where the 
residence stood down to the moss-covered bank of the 
Avon. Here he often wandered alone, while his 
mighty mind conceived heroes and heroines to embody 
his wonderful thoughts upon the stage. Little did he 
think that three hundred years after he had strolled 
through these grounds I would tramp over the same 
places ; but I did. 

A neat iron fence encloses the spot where the famous 
mulberry-tree grew. While gazing at it I happened 
to see a pretty little round white pebble lying near. 
That pebble must have taken a liking to me, for it 
instantly went into my pocket. A man was watching 
me, but I was too quick for him. I felt an irresistible 
inclination to pilfer. I know my weakness, I know 
my faults, and have a thousand times resolved to mend 
them. " The spirit truly is willing, but the flesh is 
weak." I wanted — indeed, I had determined — to have 
some relics; and I got them, notwithstanding the 
vigilance of the guard. 

The next place we visited was the old Church of 
the Holy Trinity, in .the chancel of which repose the 
remains of Shakespeare. The quaint old church is 
almost hidden from view by hundreds of lofty lime- 
trees, whose clustering branches are thickly interwoven 
with one another, casting a soft twilight tinge over the 
space beneath. The ravages of five hundred years of 
time have made but little impression on the walls of 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. g3 

the building. It is constructed in the cruciform style, 
with a nave, a transept, and a chancel. The spire 
rises to a height of one hundred and sixty-three feet 
immediately above the centre of the cross, from which 
the mellow tones of the bell send forth its musical 
chimes. The same old bell that three hundred years 
ago summoned the famous poet to the house of worship 
still does duty for the citizens of Stratford until this 
day. 

We were met at the front door by a venerable fe- 
male, who smilingly proposed to conduct us through 
the building. I suppose all the women of this section 
are old; anyway, we saw no young ones. I ap- 
proached the poet's tomb with all the reverence and 
respect the solemnity of the place demanded, which 
was equal to, if not above, what he had a right to ex- 
pect from a stranger. He was buried beneath the floor 
of the chancel. A plain marble slab rests on the grave, 
the top of which comes up even with the floor. On the 
stone appears the following singular inscription : 

11 Good friend for Jesus' sake forbeare 
to digg the dust encloased here. 
Blest be ye man ty spares thes stones ; 
And curst be he ty moves my bones." 

A few feet from the poet's tomb another slab has 
this inscription on it : 

"Here lyeth interred the body of Anne, wife of William 
Shakspeare ; who departed this life the 6th day of August, 1623, 
being of the age of 67 years." 



84 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

After gazing at the inscription for several minutes, 
my companions went away to view the tomb of Robert 
Dudley, Earl of Leicester, which was in another part 
of the church, a considerable distance from that of 
Shakespeare. Seating myself near the poet's tomb, 
I leaned back against the pulpit, fell asleep, and in 
my dream conversed with him, thus, — 

" Come, thou grand master of song, thou king of 
poets, rise from the marble jaws of thy prison-house, 
and I'll speak to thee though hell itself should gape 
and bid me hold my peace. Come, oh come, right 
now! Materialize thine immortal spirit, that I, thy 
worshipper, may behold thy goodly form. Rise, I be- 
seech thee, O thou sweet soul-charmer, thou inimitable 
composer of sublime verse ! Vouchsafe to show me 
thy heavenly face. Ha ! you will not come, will you ? 
Then I am afraid it was true that you did steal Sir 
Thomas Lucy's deer." 

At that instant the marble slab that covered the 
poet's bones began to tremble, while from the earth 
came a mysterious sound like the rumblings of distant 
thunder. The walls of the old church shook and the 
wind shrieked among the trees. 

As soon as silence again prevailed I covered my face 
with my handkerchief and endeavored to convert my- 
self into a spiritual medium, in order that I might 
have a conversation with the dead poet. My fancy at 
once began to perform wondrous work. It flew two 
or three centuries toward the rear, and investigated 
things that existed in those days. A hunchback 
demon came limping before me, crying, — 



RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. §5 

" A horse, a horse ! My kingdom for a horse I" 

Next a tall, athletic negro came tearing along, pull- 
ing the wool out of his head, and yelling as he passed 
me, — 

" Blood, Iago, blood !" 

He had scarcely disappeared when a stately ghost 
stalked before me clad in shining armor, holding a 
gilded stick before him, murmuring, in a sepulchral 
voice, — 

"Swear! Swear!" 

Next came a huge fat man with a large round 
stomach no less in size than a sugar hogshead ; he was 
observing, — 

" I can get no remedy against this consumption of 
the purse ; borrowing only lingers, and lingers it out, 
but the disease is incurable." 

This fat phantom was closely followed by an im- 
perial-looking man, who moved with a stately step, 
and who was conversing with himself. I heard him 
say,— 

" His virtues will plead like angels trumpet-tongued 
against the deep damnation of his taking off." 

Then came a queenly-formed woman clad in a fleecy 
white gown, with a copious shower of black, dishevelled 
hair falling over her shoulders. She was vigorously 
rubbing the back of one of her little white hands 
with the palm of the other, every now and then ex- 
claiming, — 

" Out, damned spot ! Out, I say ! Yet who would 
have thought the old man to have had so much blood 
in him ?" 

8 



86 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

She vanished from my sight, while the ominous 
words kept ringing in my ears. 

Instantly appeared another tall, stately woman more 
beautiful than language can describe. She was clad in 
royal robes, while her long raven hair waved like a 
dark cloud about her exquisite form, almost reaching 
to the floor. Her pretty black eyes flashed like glit- 
tering gems beneath their long, dark lashes. Her beau- 
tiful face was flushed with excitement, while she seemed 
to be in great distress. She walked like a proud em- 
press, and was followed by a female slave, to whom 
she spake as follows : 

"Give me my robe; put on my crown. I have 
immortal longings within me. Methinks I hear my 
Antony call." 

My blood ran cold in my veins when I saw a 
poisonous asp clinging to the woman's naked breast. 

As this beautiful phantom passed away another came 
rapidly in. This was a very young girl with light 
blonde hair. She was clad in a loose white garment 
that was confined about her small waist with a zone all 
bedecked with sparkling diamonds. She appeared to 
be in great distress, for she was jerking the hair from 
her head by handfuls. She cried most piteously, — 

" Oh, it presses to my memory like damned, guilty 
deeds to sinners' minds ! Tybalt is dead, and Romeo 
banished. That banished, that one word banished, 
hath slain ten thousand Tybalts." 

Next came on the stage a sad-faced young man with 
pale, hollow cheeks, tangled hair, torn and disordered 
garments, speaking in a deep bass voice. When he 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. g7 

came very close to me, he suddenly stopped, faced 
toward me, and said, — 



Be thou a spirit of health, or gohlin damned ? 
Bring with thee airs from heaven, or blasts from hell ? 
Thou comest in such a questionable shape 
That I will speak to thee." 



" A vaunt, crazy fool !" I exclaimed ; " you are mis- 
taken in your man." 

He seemed to be greatly offended as he straightened 
himself proudly up and moved on. 

Another female phantom with soft, dreamy eyes and 
tricky, smiling face now stole in on tiptoe, as if she 
was trying to pass unseen; but when she drew near 
me, she thrust a little twig into my left ear, when, with 
a sudden exclamation, I sprang to my feet, while heavy 
drops of cold perspiration stood thick on my brow. 

" It is impolite to snore in presence of ladies," said 
Miss Bell. " And then it is time for us to go ; they are 
all waiting for you outside." 

Five minutes afterward I was in a carriage dashing 
rapidly to Ann Hathaway's cottage. Another old 
woman met us on the threshold and guided us through 
the premises. She was all the while boasting proudly 
of her relationship with the Hathaways, claiming to 
be a lineal descendant of Anne. There is nothing re- 
markable about this quaint old house, — nothing to 
attract visitors except the fact that Shakespeare was 
married here. The old bedstead named in the poet's 
will stands in a large room up-stairs. It is curiously 



88 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

carved, the posts rather clumsy and tall, reaching eight 
feet above the floor. 

A lot of heavy, coarse linen sheets, pillow-slips, and 
towels with the initials of Anne Hathaway's name 
worked with yellow silk thread were shown to us. 

" These articles," said the old woman, " were manu- 
factured with Anne's own hands." 

An old stone-curbed well was pointed out to us, 
from which Shakespeare had drawn many a bucket of 
w r ater during the days of his courtship. I straightway 
drew a bucketful myself, merely to show the poet that 
I was not above drinking after him. 

The drive from Stratford to Charlecote Park forms 
one of the most delightful excursions to be had in that 
vicinity. The road skirts the bank of the Avon, and 
is completely shaded by stately old lime-trees, while the 
eye is delighted with hundreds of picturesque farm- 
houses half hidden among clustering vines and flowers. 

What is there about Charlecote Park that attracts so 
many visitors ? There is no extraordinary beauty about 
it. True, there stands in the centre a curious old 
Gothic house built three hundred years ago, with 
octagonal turrets and a lofty square tower. But things 
of the same sort may be seen nearly all over England. 
Why, then, do people throng in crowds to Charlecote 
Park ? They go there to visit the spot where it is said 
Shakespeare stole Sir Thomas Lucy's deer. Heros- 
tratus burned the temple of Diana at Ephesus, and 
when put to the torture confessed his guilt, and when 
asked why he had destroyed that magnificent edifice, 
replied that he did it to make himself famous. An 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 89 

edict was issued fixing the penalty of death upon those 
who uttered the name of the wicked incendiary ; but, 
notwithstanding the edict, his name found its way into 
history. Herostratus won notoriety, but not of an 
enviable sort. Sir Thomas Lucy won the same sort of 
fame by the severity with which he prosecuted young 
William Shakespeare for an insignificant crime. The 
friends of Sir Thomas have endeavored to defend his 
memory from the charge of severity in the prosecution 
of Shakespeare ; in fact, it is alleged that the whole 
story, from beginning to end, is nothing but fiction. Be 
that true or false, the name of Sir Thomas has been 
immortalized by it. 

The remains of Sir Thomas Lucy rest in Charlecote 
Church in a gorgeous tomb, on top of which is a life- 
sized marble statue of the deceased lying in a horizontal 
position. 

We made the trip from Stratford to Kenilworth 
station by rail, then drove out to the castle, about two 
miles, in a carriage. The sun was low when we applied 
for admission tickets at a little office near the front 
entrance. 

" You are too late, gentlemen," said the superinten- 
dent, as he looked at his watch. " You will have to 
wait until morning, as we are now going to close the 
gates." 

" My dear sir," I exclaimed, " I beseech you to have 
pity on us. We have travelled seven thousand miles 
to see this establishment. Could you be so cruel, so 
ungenerous, so flint-hearted as to deprive us of that 
pleasure ?" 

8* 



90 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

" What is to hinder you from seeing the castle to- 
morrow ?" 

"I have just received a telegra'm advising me of the 
dangerous illness of my great-grandfather's mother-in- 
law, and requesting my immediate return home to see 
her die. I am therefore compelled to depart on the 
first train or fail to witness the show." 

" Say no more ; you have prevailed ; I cannot resist 
an appeal like that." 

" My generous, noble-hearted friend, how shall I 
find language to express the sincerity of my grati- 
tude?" I cried, in a transport of joy, as I seized his 
hand. 

He said a shilling was the charge. I paid it, and 
in we went. 

" Well, did I ever I" exclaimed Effie. 

" No, never I" cried Miss Bell. 

" Hardly ever," remarked Miss Stevenson. 

" Oh, my ! just look at that grand old tower yonder/'* 
ejaculated Effie. " See how those pretty green ivy-vines 
cling to the wall." 

" I don't see anything extra about that," carelessly 
observed Miss Stevenson. " Warwick Castle was lit- 
erally covered with them." 

" I did not expect to see such a complete ruin," said 
Miss Bell. 

" That is the main reason that I wanted to see it," 
replied Miss Stevenson. " It is the historical associa- 
tions connected with this grand old pile of crumbling 
ruins that lend to it an indescribable charm. About 
this famous castle the magic wand of Sir Walter Scott 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 91 

has woven a web of enchantment that the hand of Time 
never will destroy." 

Nothing is left of the castle except the old gray- 
stone walls that almost pierce the clouds with their 
tops. The gallery-tower at the southeast side of what 
is called the " tilt-yard" has all disappeared, save three 
sides of the wall, which have been propped up to keep 
them from falling. The skeleton outlines of the Dug- 
dale and Lunn Towers may easily be designated, as 
their walls are yet standing. 

Caesar's Tower is the most notable curiosity to be 
seen at Kenilworth. It is a keep built during the 
Norman Conquest, and is in a better state of preserva- 
tion than any other part of the castle. We managed to 
climb to the top of this tower, which afforded a charm- 
ing view of the surrounding country for many miles. 

The spacious hall where Queen Elizabeth was enter- 
tained by her favorite, Robert Dudley, Earl of Leices- 
ter, in regal style, in the year 1575, was pointed out to 
us by the guide. She gave Kenilworth Castle to Robert 
Dudley, with all its revenues-, lands, and franchises, and 
then created him Earl of Leicester. He entertained the 
queen and her entire court here for two weeks, at a cost 
of sixteen thousand pounds. His vaulting ambition 
led him to aspire to the hand of the queen ; but when 
she discovered his treachery, she hated him with all 
her heart. 

" Above all things," said the guide, " you must let 
me show you the window from which Varney forcibly 
abducted Amy Robsart and carried her to the death- 
trap, which he had already prepared for her." 



92 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

We were shown through a small room on the north 
side of the main building. 

" This is the identical room mentioned by Sir Walter 
Scott in his novel of ' Kenilworth/ " said the guide. 

It mattered not to us whether this was true or other- 
wise : the romantic charm lingered there still. Indeed, 
the sweet memory of the thrilling scenes described is 
what constitutes the peculiar charm to all connected 
with Kenilworth Castle. Visitors swarm here from all 
quarters of the globe merely to see the theatre on 
which Scott's heroes and heroines played their roles in 
the thrilling drama. 



CHAPTER VIII. 

London, June 20, 1883. 
Nobody manifested a particle of surprise at our 
arrival in London, though we had neglected to notify 
the citizens of our contemplated visit. The people 
hurried past us, attending to their own business, just as 
they did before we invaded the city. The Prince of 
Wales has not bothered us with pressing invitations to 
dinner. Queen Victoria has not intruded on the pri- 
vacy of the ladies to bore them with a melancholy 
recital of her domestic sorrows. Parliament has not 
as yet annoyed us with resolutions offering us the free- 
dom of the city. We have, however, enjoyed a reason- 
able portion of that privilege without an invitation. 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 93 

Smiling Fortune has happily protected us from intru- 
sion or from molestation. 

I expect the reader has heard of London before. It 
is a thriving town ; in fact, it claims to be a city. 

It is the opinion of the author that there are too 
many people in London. I have freely expressed that 
idea, but they do not pay any attention to it. Every 
street is blockaded, choked, crammed, jammed, and 
inundated with people. You cannot stand still any- 
where; you are forced to move on or be run over by 
the vast army of people, who rush on like huge ocean- 
billows. 

While endeavoring to make my way to a bank for 
the purpose of having a draft cashed, I had the bad 
luck to encounter a great crowd at a point where the 
street was completely blocked up by men, women, 
drays, and carriages. The police force was hard at 
work trying to compel some of the vehicles to turn 
into the cross-street, so as to make room for others to 



" Why don't some of you people go out of town ?" 
said I. " There are too many in London, anyway." 

" Why in the deuce don't you move on, sir ?" cried 
a very tall, red-faced policeman as he drew near me. 
Pointing down the street, he said " Git !" And I got. 

I have concluded to let everybody stay here and 
trample one another to death, if they like that sort of 
sport. I will vacate the place to-morrow. 

It was not quite seventy-five miles from the hotel 
to the bank ; consequently, I managed to get there a 
few minutes before closing-time. 



94 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

" You will have to get some one to identify you," 
replied the cashier, to whom I presented the draft. 

Here was a pretty state of affairs. Not a man 
nearer than the hotel to identify me, only thirty min- 
utes until the bank closed, and I bound to leave the 
city to-morrow! I set my wits to work; they answered 
my expectations : they always do answer when great 
, emergencies arise. I hurried across the street, and thus 
addressed an Irishman who was hammering on a box- 
lid,— 

"Do you know the cashier of the bank over the 
way?" 

" Bedad, hit's mesilf thet don't know nobody ilse, 
at all, at all. What in the divil's the marther, thot 
ye'r arther axin o' me thot ?" 

"I will give you four shillings if you will go over 
to the bank and introduce me to the cashier." 

" Faith, be howly Saint Pathrick, that's too chape; 
make it five, an' it's a thrade." 

I handed him the money, and requested him to fol- 
low me. 

" I spec' ye'd betther be afther tellen' me ye'r name, 
so I kin i nth rod uce ye." 

I promptly gave it, and in we went. 

" Good-avenin' ter ye, Misther Strathen ; it's mesilf 
thet hez the honor ter idintify this gintlemon." 

" How long have you been acquainted with him ?" 
asked the cashier. 

" La bliss yer soul, 'twuz afore the sage of Paris by 
the Prooshuns." 

That answer settled the matter at once. I received 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 95 

the money on the draft, slipped two more shillings 
into Mike's extended palm, and went on my way 
rejoicing. As I was taking my leave of him he gave 
me a familiar wink, and said, — 

" Bedad, whiniver ye hev a little job o' sweerin' ye 
want Winded to, jis call on Mike McFlanigan. Faith, 
an' I'll be arther sweerin' me dad wnz a dog ef hit 'ud 
help ye to chate a bloody Inglishmun." 

Promising to call on him if I should ever need a 
false witness, I hurried away. 

We had a delightful carriage ride from Kenilworth 
to Leamington early on Tuesday morning, over a 
splendid road. The air was cold, but pure and exhil- 
arating ; thousands of sweet-singing birds serenaded 
us from the clustering branches of innumerable trees 
that lined the road on both sides. 

Leamington is a famous watering-place, in many 
respects resembling Saratoga, in the State of New 
York. While waiting the arrival of the train, we 
had ample time to take a drive through all the streets, 
giving us a view of one of the prettiest pictures to be 
seen in England. 

Coventry, a quaint -old city made famous by the 
Lady Godiva legend, stands in the midst of a pictur- 
esque landscape, five miles from Kenilworth. 

The legend in substance is as follows : 

A stony-hearted old earl named Leofric had a most 
beautiful wife; her charitable nature and sympathetic 
heart constrained her to implore him to release the 
poor, suffering inhabitants from the burdensome taxes 
which he had commanded them to pay. He peremp- 



96 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

torily refused to comply with her request, rebuked her 
in unmeasured terms, and ordered her from his pres- 
ence. Nothing daunted by his threats and insults, she 
persisted in her constant pleading for the relief of the 
suffering poor. At last, in a fit of rage, he promised to 
grant her request, if in broad daylight she would ride 
naked on horseback from one end of the town to the 
other. She at once notified all the people of her inten- 
tion to make this great sacrifice of modesty, in order to 
relieve them from this unjust taxation. 

■ The good people of Coventry, being struck with 
admiration at this evidence of the fair Godiva's love, 
closed all their houses, shops, and windows, and agreed 
among themselves that she should pass through the 
streets unseen by human eye. At a time fixed the fair 
Godiva leaped on her steed and dashed unclad through 
the town, while her long black hair concealed all her 
body except her feet. One wicked man violated the 
agreement which the citizens had made, for which vio- 
lation God struck him suddenly blind. An effigy called 
" Peeping Tom" may be seen on exhibition at the cor- 
ner of Hertford Street. The earl complied with his 
promise by granting a charter freeing the inhabitants 
from taxation. 

We stopped over at Oxford long enough to take a 
walk through the colleges and churches and enjoy a 
drive through her pretty streets. Large numbers of 
embryo statesmen, priests, and poets are learning to 
smoke cigars and handle boat-oars here. 

There is one department connected with the colleges 
here which I pronounce a success : they have succeeded 



RAPID EAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 97 

in perfecting the ugliest uniform for the students that 
any mortal ever laid his eyes on. 

We were shown through the college by a very polite 
old gentleman, who kindly pointed out such objects as 
he thought would prove of interest to us. The walls 
of the spacious clining-hall are covered with well-exe- 
cuted pictures of men who, after being educated here, 
became famous in the world's history. The picture of 
Addison represented him in life-size, seated near a 
table, with a pen in his hand. We were conducted 
through the kitchen, where our guide explained the 
machinery of the cooking department. A savory scent 
of broiling mutton and roast beef pervaded the prem- 
ises, which made my mouth water, for I was very 
hungry. A cosey avenue three hundred yards in 
length, completely protected from the sun by over- 
hanging vines, was pointed out to us as Addison's 
Walk. 

" You may hereafter call it ' Erne's Walk,' " said Miss 
Bell. " Or perhaps it would be more proper to call 
it ' Erne's Run,' for she has already twice ran from 
here to the other end and back." 

The most interesting object we saw at Oxford was 
the tomb of Amy Robsart, which may be seen in the 
chancel of St. Mary's Cathedral. She was buried here 
September 22, 1660. The grave is beneath the floor of 
the cathedral, the top being covered with a marble slab 
coming up even with the surface of the floor. There 
is a romantic charm that always will cling round the 
name of poor Amy Robsart. The pen of Scott has 
made her name immortal. One cannot gaze down on 
e 9 9 



98 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

her tomb without letting his imagination stray back to 
the old Kenilworth Castle, where Amy played such an 
important role. If the statement made by the inscrip- 
tion on her tomb is true, she was the wife of Robert 
Dudley, Earl of Leicester. Why was she not buried 
by her husband at Stratford? Read "Kenilworth," and 
I dare say you will find the exact and only reason why 
she was not. 

At Oxford there are many spacious parks, exqui- 
sitely adorned with stately trees, shrubs, and flowers, 
thickly intersected with cool, shady walks, and beauti- 
fied with sparkling fountains; everything outside of 
the gloomy old colleges and cathedrals has a bright, 
cheerful aspect; but I felt as though I were in a prison 
while inside of them. The size of the main college 
building, with its sombre gray walls and its time- 
stained columns, is so immense as to tinge everything 
with a dark twilight inside. We found time to make 
a thorough inspection of every public building and 
park, together with other places of interest to the 
tourist, and then to reach London before night. 

This morning, at an early hour, we drove down to 
Charing Cross, took a boat, and soon disembarked at 
the Tower. I must try to muster up an extensive 
vocabulary with which to describe this grand old edi- 
fice. I did not pass through the Traitor's Gate, be- 
cause they were not acquainted with my sentiments. 

Tradition says that this wonderful old structure was 
built by Julius Caesar. It has served the purposes of 
a palace as well as those of a prison, sometimes being 
the headquarters of the government. It covers an area 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 99 

of twelve acres of ground, and is encircled by a tall 
massive stone wall of immense thickness and strength. 
The bloody scenes that have been enacted within these 
walls have been equalled only by those enacted in the 
French Revolution of 1792. 

The Beauchamp Tower, as it is called, is perhaps 
the most interesting part of the edifice, because it con- 
tains the prison where so many men and women of 
note were incarcerated. It was here where Sir Walter 
Raleigh sighed away nineteen years of his life, and 
then died on the block. Just above the fireplace in 
one of the rooms appears the name of Philip Howard, 
Earl of Arundel. This young nobleman was impris- 
oned here a long time, and then lost his head on the 
block, for no other crime than that of aspiring to the 
hand of Mary Queen of Scots. Misfortune always 
pursued with relentless fury every one who loved that 
hapless queen. Charles Bailey was put to the torture 
here and forced to acknowledge himself an emissary of 
Mary's, and then sent to the block. Even the mother 
of Lord Darnley, a decrepit old lady, was imprisoned 
here because her son had married the beautiful young 
queen. The name of Lady Jane Grey, who was exe- 
cuted here, appears carved on the wall. 

I cannot truthfully say that I enjoyed my visit to 
the Tower, because my soul was full of malice against 
Henry VIII. My imagination conjured up the phan- 
toms of his murdered victims parading their bodies 
before me. First came Anne Boleyn, with her head 
in her hand, all smeared with blood ; then the beautiful 
Catherine Howard, pale and trembling, was being led 



100 RAPID RAMBL1NOS IN EUROPE. 

to the block ; next I saw Anne Askew tied to a stake, 
while the flames devoured her body. A horrible scene 
next presented itself to my excited imagination. Mar- 
garet, the Countess of Salisbury, was making a desper- 
ate struggle to free herself from her executioner, who 
was trying to force her neck on the block so that he 
could chop off her head. These four innocent women 
were murdered by Henry VIII.; two of them — Anne 
Boleyn and Catherine Howard — were his wives. I 
cannot comprehend the nature of a man who could, 
under any circumstances, for any crime, send his own 
wife to execution. Anne Boleyn was the mother of 
the king's favorite daughter, Elizabeth, who afterwards 
became queen of England. 

What sort of a heart must a man have who could 
issue an order for a ruffian to chop off the head of the 
mother of his children, — she who had often stamped 
on his lips the kiss of affection, and whispered into 
his ears the inmost secrets of her heart? It is all an 
incomprehensible mystery to me. The most savage 
beast that roves the forest, the meanest reptile that 
crawls on the earth, the most cruel bird that soars in 
the air, would fight to the death to defend the mother 
of its offspring ; but this inhuman monster could revel, 
drink, carouse, and dance in his palace at the very 
moment when, by his own order, was being chopped 
off the head of his innocent wife. If he is not in the 
hottest precincts of the infernal regions, I mean to ask 
Mr. Beecher to tell me where he is. If the no-hell 
theory is true (the circumstances by which I am sur- 
rounded inducing me to hope and wish it was), I would 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 101 

very much like to know where such men as Henry 
VIII. have gone to ? 

There is a life-size equestrian statue of that de- 
funct villain, completely clad in shining steel armor. 
I threw a cigar-stub in his mouth and spat on his 
leg, and then proceeded to give him a piece of my 
mind : 

" You old tyrant you !" said I. " How dare you 
to look an honest man in the face ? You are an old 
hypocrite, an old scamp, a mean, lecherous old toad, a 
bloody murderer, a cruel old rascal. Heartless devil ! 
you know you murdered Anne just because you had 
taken a fancy to another woman ; you know you sent 
Queen Catherine Howard to the block for the same 
reason. You put poor Anne Askew to death out of 
pure deviltry and a love of blood ; you murdered the 
innocent Countess of Salisbury just to keep your hand 
in." 

It was in this old tower where William Wallace, 
the heroic Scottish chief, suffered imprisonment and 
death. Hundreds of Protestant martyrs have lan- 
guished here and suffered death at the stake rather 
than renounce their religion. Cranmer was incarcer- 
ated here for a long time before he was led out to die 
at the stake. I can remember the name of one man 
who suffered death here that richly deserved the pun- 
ishment. That was the infamous Judge Jeffreys, who 
while on the bench drenched the soil of England with 
the blood of innocent victims. 

A large flat stone, in which is fastened a small square 
brass plate, marks the spot where Anne Boleyn was be- 

9* 



102 RAPID RAMBLINOS IN EUROPE. 

headed. This is located in the centre of a small court- 
yard, surrounded with dark green shade-trees, and a few 
little beds of fading flowers. The window from which 
the gifted scholar, Sir Thomas More, witnessed the 
execution is not more than one hundred and fifty feet 
from the place where it occurred. 

The history of the execution of the Countess of Sal- 
isbury is enough to freeze the blood in our veins. She 
was the daughter of the Duke of Clarence, who was 
murdered by his own brother, Richard III. " Her 
crime seems to have been her royal blood. When 
brought to the scaffold, on the green before the chapel, 
she refused to lay her head on the block. 'So do 
traitors/ she cried, ' and I am no traitor.' A terrible 
scene ensued, which ended by the headsman dragging 
the countess by her hair to the block." She was the 
last of the Plantagenets of the whole blood. Our con- 
ductor said she was beheaded on the very same spot 
where Anne Boleyn died. 

" Now, ladies and gentlemen, hif you'll be so good 
as to step this whay, hi'll show you the most hinterest- 
ing hobject in hexistence," said our conductor. 

Straightway we followed him into another room. 

" This 'ere his the hexecution-block used in the reign 
of 'Enry the Heighth." 

He pointed to a block of lignum- vita? wood about 
twenty-four inches square, one side of which was so 
scolloped out that the head of the victim could rest in 
a little round basin ; the other side was cut in a shape 
to fit the shoulders, so that when a person's head rested 
in the basin the shoulder would drop into the space on 



RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. 103 

the other side, exposing the neck lying on the upper 
surface of the block. The flat space on top, between 
the two scollops, on which the neck was to be exposed 
to the headsman's axe, was about three inches wide. 
There were three distinct axe-marks on the upper sur- 
face. 

" This 'ere mark," said the guide, placing his finger 
on the middle one, "was made by the stroke that took 
hoff the *ed of Hanne Boleyn ; this 'ere was made by 
the blow that severed the 'ed of Lady Jane Grey; 
and that was the one made in chopping hoff the 'ed of 
Catherine 'Oward." 

" Were those all the victims that were executed on 
that block ?" inquired Effie. 

" Ho, no, mum ; a score of 'eds 'ave been chopped 
hoff on this 'ere block. The Earl of Hessex and the 
Countess of Salisbury were be'eded on this 'ere block ; 
so was the Duke of Monmouth. 'Ere is the haxe which 
took hoff Queen Catherine's 'ed, and 'ere is the iron 
mask the hexecutioner wore w'ile. performing 'iz dooty." 

I have never laid my eyes on a more disgusting ob- 
ject than the iron mask that was usually worn by the 
executioner when on duty. Running obliquely across 
the face is a wide distorted mouth, which is filled with 
long, sharp tusks like those in the mouth of a wild boar. 
The rims of the little round eye-holes are of a fiery red, 
while the huge crooked nose is twisted to one side. 
Deep ugly wrinkles run in parallel lines from the nose 
to the ears. Take it all in all, it is a most horrible- 
looking object. 

Let a timid woman be securely tied to that block 



104 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

while under sentence of death, then let the executioner 
put on that horrible-looking mask, stand over her p ros- 
trate form, and raise his axe above her head, and it 
would be unnecessary for him to strike, for she would 
certainly die in ten seconds. Place me in the same 
predicament, and I think it would produce a third- 
class funeral. If I did not then and there deliberately 
give up the ghost, I would do some energetic screaming 
for help. 

Our guide now conducted us to St. Peter's Chapel, in 
whose gloomy old vault sleep the remains of many 
men and women of distinction who suffered death on 
the block. 

" 'Ere," said the conductor, " his the tomb of Sir 
Thomas More ; that's the tomb of Queen Haune Bo- 
leyn. Over there his w'ere the Earl of Hessex sleeps; 
and 'ere his Queen Catherine 'O ward's grave. That 
pretty one there his w'ere the hunfortunate bootiful 
Lady Jane Grey lies. The one hover there his the 
grave of Margret of Clarence, Countess of Salisbury; 
and 'ere lies the Duke of Monmouth/' 

I have given the names of only a few of the victims 
of tyranny, whose bodies are mouldering to dust in 
this famous old chapel. 

AVho could gaze on the tomb that holds the dust 
of the lovely and innocent Lady Jane Grey with- 
out experiencing a feeling of the deepest sadness? 
She was the victim of the ambition of her father-in- 
law, who, against her constant entreaties, attempted to 
place her on the English throne. She never had a 
treasonable thought ; she was opposed to the plot in- 



RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. 105 

vented to place the crown on her head. Her beauty, 
piety, and gentle manners won the hearts of her ac- 
quaintances, while the sweetness of her disposition 
added a charm to the domestic circle where she was re- 
vered and loved. She was brought to the block and 
beheaded for the crime of another. Thousands of 
prominent men and women interceded in her behalf, 
doing all they could to save her life; but Bloody 
Mary, that inexorable, pitiless female demon, ordered 
this innocent lady and her youthful husband to the 
block. The pages of history may be searched in vain 
to find another instance of such inhuman barbarity. 

After leaving St. Peter's Chapel we went to the iron 
cage where the crown jewels are stored. I am ready 
to confess that my reverence for royalty had undergone 
considerable shrinkage while gazing at the graves of 
the numerous victims of tyranny ; consequently it was 
with sentiments mingled with contempt that I inspected 
the different crowns that had bedecked the brows of 
the different kings and queens. Among them, how- 
ever, there was one beautiful crown which has often 
sparkled on the head of a most noble, benevolent, and 
merciful queen. The reign of Queen Victoria shines 
out among all others like refined gold. Never has sat 
on the British throne a queen who had such a firm 
hold on the affections of the people as has she. 

"That large crown hover there," said the guide, 
pointing to the one topped by a large ball and cross 
surmounted by sparkling diamonds, " his the crown of 
'Er Royal 'Ighness, the present Queen of Hengland ; 
hit cost three 'undred thousand pounds. Th'other is 



106 RAPID RA MB LINOS IN EUROPE. 

'er diadem. The solid gold crown to yer right belongs 
to the Prince of Wales." 

" Oh, my !" exclaimed Effie. " Do come here, Miss 
Bell, and look at that blazing diamond on the queen's 
crown. Did you ever !" 

" No, never," said Miss Bell. . 

" Hardly ever," remarked Miss Stevenson, dryly. 

" Oh, ain't that lovely ?" cried Effie. 

" Exquisite !" replied Miss Bell. 

" Remarkable !" muttered Miss Stevenson. " I do 
not see anything, though, that should produce hys- 
terics," she said, ironically. " If that crown was mine, 
I would willingly sell it for half the original cost. It's 
nonsense to waste money on such useless gewgaws, 
anyway." 

The staff of St. Edward is composed of solid gold, 
four feet seven inches in length, mounted on top with 
a large wooden globe, said to be a part of the true 
cross. The queen's sceptre, which was placed in her 
right hand at her coronation by the Archbishop of 
Canterbury, is wrought of beaten gold ; the cross and 
the pommel are thickly set with large diamonds. 
There are many other crowns, diadems, and royal scep- 
tres — too numerous to mention — stored in the tower. 

When we had been sufficiently dazzled by the 
crown jewels, we were ushered into the famous coun- 
cil-chamber where Richard III. ordered Lord Hast- 
ings to instant execution. Shakespeare puts the fol- 
lowing words into the mouth of the bloody Richard. 
Addressing Hastings, he says, — 

" Thou art a traitor. Off with his head. Now, by 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 107 

Saint Paul, I swear I will not dine until I see the 
same. Lovel and RatclifF, see that it be done. The 
rest, that love me, rise and follow me." 
Hastings : 

" O, bloody Richard! miserable England I 
I prophesy the fearfull'st time to thee 
That ever wretched age hath looked upon. 
Come, lead me to the block ; bear him my head : 
They smile at me that shortly shall be dead I" 

The sentence was pronounced without trial, and 
executed without delay, in order that Richard might 
not have to wait for his dinner. 

One of the interesting places in the Tower is the 
secret niche under the heavy stone staircase, where the 
bones of the two murdered princes were found. The 
sad fate that befell those children has furnished the 
foundation for many a romantic story. They were the 
sons of Edward IV., the oldest one being the lawful 
king of England, and his little brother was the Duke 
of York. They were murdered by their uncle, the 
Duke of Gloster, afterward King Richard III. For 
many years their fate remained involved in mystery, 
but it was at last explained. While making some 
repairs on the Tower, the workmen had occasion to 
remove several large stones at the foot of the staircase, 
when the bones of the murdered princes were discov- 
ered. Their remains were removed to Westminster 
Abbey, where they are now entombed. 

Here is the awful curse that Richard's mother pro- 
nounced against him : 



108 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

11 Therefore take with thee my most heavy curse, 
"Which in the day of battle tire thee more 
Than all the complete armor that thou wearest; 
My prayers on the adverse party fight, 
And there the little souls of Edward's children 
AYhisper the spirits of thine enemies, 
And promise them success and victory. 
Bloody thou art : bloody will be thy end : 
Shame serves thy life, and doth thy death attend." 

A large number of old soldiers, pensioners on the 
government, may be seen basking in the rays of the 
sun, or leisurely strolling about the Tower. They are 
dressed in the uniform that was fashionable during the 
reign of Henry VIII. I was somewhat surprised to 
see this, because I imagined that the English would 
rather not be reminded of that wicked king. 



CHAPTER IX. 

Aix-les-Bains, June 22, 1883. 
At half-past nine o'clock on the morning of Friday, 
June 21st, we set out for Paris by the short sea-route, 
via Folkestone and Boulogne. "We had a most de- 
lightful sail across the British Channel, the weather be- 
having itself admirably. The point where we crossed 
is but a short distance from, and in sight of, Dover. 
The bright gray cliffs of Old England had scarcely 
faded from view when the dark-green coast of France 
hove in sight. 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 109 

We arrived at Paris at five o'clock, where we were 
besieged at the station by an army of hotel and omni- 
bus agents soliciting patronage, though they were ex- 
tremely polite, bowing and scraping before us as cour- 
teously as if we were emperors and kings. We were 
permitted quietly to enter a carriage, and drive to the 
hotel, without having our ears pierced with loud yells 
of hackmen. Everybody spoke in moderate tones and 
moved about like civilized people, who respected the 
rights and feelings of others. I was sorry that I could not 
ride in half a dozen carriages at the same time, in order 
to show my appreciation of the politeness of the drivers. 
In my enthusiasm I promised eleven that I would be 
sure to ride with them next day. I could very safely 
do so, for I was going to leave the city next morning. 

After a six-o'clock dinner, we visited what was in 
former times the palace of Cardinal Richelieu, but 
which is now the grandest department of traffic in 
Paris. The most gorgeous display of diamonds and 
precious jewels of every imaginable shape, quality, and 
sort may be seen on exhibition. The crown jewels for- 
merly belonging to Frederick the Great were pointed 
out to us by our conductor. Thousands of bright- 
blazing lights darted their brilliant rays down on the 
vast crowds of gayly-dressed people who thronged the 
corridors of the palace. 

We left Paris by early train on the morning of the 
22d, arriving here at ten p.m., and took lodgings at 
the Grand Hotel, Bristol. 

Aix-les-Bains is a famous watering-place, noted for 
the excellence of its baths and for the extreme purity 

10 



HO RAPID RAMBLINOS IN EUROPE. 

of the Alpine atmosphere, which comes down impreg- 
nated with the mountain snows. Thousands of in- 
valids resort here to enjoy the benefits of its health- 
giving facilities. It is situated four or five thousand 
feet above the level of the sea, perched high up on the 
spur of a mountain peak, where the snow glitters in 
the rays of the sun like a sea of molten silver. We 
could sit at the window of the hotel and see hundreds 
of gold-fringed clouds stealing slowly along far below 
the tall peaks of the mountains, presenting to the eye 
of the beholder a scene of ravishing beauty. The nip- 
ping morning air was rather too cold for comfort, as it 
came sweeping down from the fields of ice above us. 

The scope of country between here and Paris is un- 
surpassed in point of picturesque beauty and fertility. 
As far as the eye could see, on the right of the road, 
the face of the earth was covered with thrifty vine- 
yards, the young vines then just beginning to put on 
their summer dress. Far away to the right, innumer- 
able snow-white villages nestled on the brink of a long 
range of dark azure hills, while large numbers of peas- 
ants, clad in their picturesque blue costumes, were busily 
engaged tilling the soil. To the left lay an extensive 
level valley, covered with green pastures and traversed 
by innumerable little brooks that meandered in every 
direction, while the low murmurs of the mountain 
breeze echoed among the branches of the tall trees that 
lined the banks of the streams. 

" Oh, my ! What exquisite scenery !" cries Effie. 

" Delightful ! Grand ! Incomparable !" says Miss 
Stevenson. 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. HI 

" Wonderful ! It's a perfect Eden !" exclaims Miss 
Bell. 

I sat at the coach-window, gazing with straining eyes 
at the apparently moving panorama, intoxicated with 
delight. I have heard and read much about the beau- 
ties of Southern France, and was therefore prepared to 
expect something grand, but it is more charming than 
I had imagined. 

We were quite fortunate in the selection of our 
courier, for he has proved himself worthy of the high- 
est praise. He is never out of place when wanted ; is 
energetic, sensible, and efficient; speaks French, Italian, 
Swiss, German, and Spanish elegantly. Were it not 
for his unpronounceable, unspellable, jaw-breaking 
name, we could get along with him very well ; but 
I fear the ladies have seriously injured their health by 
trying to pronounce it. 

I have made myself famous as the maker of ab- 
surd blunders since I left home ; in fact, it is thought 
that symptoms of incipient insanity are occasionally 
perceptible ; but that is merely a supposition. Soon 
after leaving Paris the courier delivered all the railway 
tickets into my possession, supposing that I would 
make the proper use of them ; which I signally failed 
to do. Train-agents do not take up tickets on conti- 
nental roads as they do in the tJnited States, but they 
are received by a gate-keeper at the station where the 
passenger wishes to stop. When we arrived here, I 
stepped off the train, handed the tickets to the gate- 
keeper, and passed out, instead of waiting for them to 
be examined and returned to me, as a man of oidinary 



112 RAPID RA MB LINOS IN EUROPE. 

understanding would have done. The tickets were 
good from Paris to Genoa, to which point we were 
travelling. Nothing was said or thought about the 
tickets until an hour before the time for us to start, 
when the courier called on me for them. I thought 
the look which he cast on me when I told him what I 
had done with the tickets had in it a tinge of contempt; 
but that was probably the result of imagination. We 
hurried to the station, stated the case, and demanded 
the tickets, but no one present knew anything about 
them. 

" Here is a pretty mess we have cooked for our- 
selves," observed the courier as he eyed me closely, as 
if endeavoring to satisfy himself as to my mental con- 
dition. 

By this time I began to put on war-paint and did 
some boisterous talking, abusing railroad agents in 
genera], and the one present in particular. 

Unluckily for me, the agent could understand enough 
English to catch the meaning of my unguarded re- 
marks, which seemed to throw him into an awful pas- 
sion. He told me in French that I was either a fool 
or an impostor, which the courier instantly interpreted 
to me. I let judgment go by default as to the first 
charge, and pleaded " not guilty" as to the second, and 
told Albert to challenge him in both French and Eng- 
lish, which he proceeded to do. To my utter amaze- 
ment, and contrary to my expectations, he accepted the 
challenge, and insisted on settling the matter then and 
there. 

When I found that the bluffing game would not 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. \\% 

work worth a cent, I resorted to strategy, which is 
always my strongest card. 

" Fix the time of combat for day after to-morrow," 
I whispered to Alfred ; " that will give me a chance to 
escape." 

Alfred made the proposition accordingly ; but my 
rampant enemy would not hear to it, but demanded 
immediate satisfaction. 

" Very well," said I ; "if nothing but blood will 
satisfy him, let him wait until I go to the hotel after 
my pistols." 

I thought this would certainly bluff him, having 
resolved that if it did not, I would save myself by 
flight. 

The courier communicated my proposition, which, 
greatly to my surprise, was promptly assented to ; but 
at that very moment a man came running toward me, 
yelling like an Indian, while he held papers of some 
sort in his hand. A faint hope that it was an officer 
coming to prevent the impending fight, began to arise 
in my breast, but it was the man to whom I had given 
the tickets. He had carried them to his home, intend- 
ing to keep them, no doubt, but when he saw that 
serious consequences were likely to ensue, he concluded 
to give them up. 

The agent now began to apologize in the most cour- 
teous terms, and I gladly and instantly accepted his 
apology. I was about to offer an apology to him in 
return, and would have done so if he had not been in 
such a hurry. 

For the benefit of persons contemplating a tour 
h 10* 



114 RAPID RAMBLINOS IN EUROPE. 

through France, I drop a word or two of advice which 
may prove of advantage : Do not insult a Frenchman 
unless you are spoiling for a fight. I know whereof 
I speak, for I have been there. 



CHAPTER X. 



Genoa, June 24, 1883. 

Leaving Aix-les-Bains at half-past nine, we soon 
found ourselves in the midst of a scene whose pictur- 
esque grandeur I have rarely seen equalled. Twenty 
years ago the man who would have suggested the pos- 
sibility of building a railroad on the line where this 
one runs would have been deemed a fit subject for a 
lunatic asylum. The road skirts the base of the Alps, 
gradually climbing up and up among cloud-splitting 
crags, spanning yawning chasms, plunging through 
enormous tunnels, and finally reaching an altitude 
where the daring chamois formerly sought safety from 
the most experienced Alpine climbers. 

I had been led to believe that the Mont Cenis Tun- 
nel was cut through the base of the Alps, but such is 
not the case. The line of the road runs iu a zigzag 
course, twisting and winding about in every direction, 
all the time going up a steep grade, until it reaches a 
point halfway to the top, and then enters the tunnel. 
This stupendous work was begun by the king of Sar- 
dinia, and completed by the French government, in 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. H5 

1871. The length of the tunnel is about eight miles. 
Two hundred years before the birth of Christ, Han- 
nibal's pioneer corps examined the Mont Cenis pass, 
and pronounced it impossible to cross it with an army ; 
consequently the general marched forty miles farther, 
and crossed at the Pass of St. Bernard's. Napoleon 
built a carriage-road over this pass, at a cost of seven 
and a half million of francs. 

We made the run through the tunnel in twenty-six 
minutes, without experiencing any inconvenience from 
smoke or from foul air. When we entered it we were 
in France ; when we came out we were in Italy. We 
cross the head-waters of the Rhine on the French side, 
where the water goes dashing and foaming down the 
rugged bed at the rate of twenty miles an hour ; on 
the Italian side we run along the banks of the Po 
most of the way to Genoa. It is one of the most 
beautiful rivers to be seen in Italy, and especially does 
it present a sight of terrific grandeur as it wildly 
dashes down among the yawning chasms, some of 
which are several hundred feet deep. And when it 
reaches the level valley, near Genoa, it traverses a 
country unsurpassed for natural beauty and artificial 
adornment. 

When Mont Cenis, with her snow-clad crest, burst 
on our view as we came round a curve in the road, it 
appeared to be within a mile or two of us. The usual 
extravagant exclamations were uttered by the ladies, 
and I inadvertently threw out a few unguarded sen- 
tences myself. The bright rays of the sun were 
obliquely glancing down on the boundless fields of 



116 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

snow, causing them to shine and sparkle like a vast 
sea of polished ice. 

" How far are we from that mountain?" said Effie. 

" I guess three miles/' said Miss Bell. 

" It is not a yard less than five miles," said Miss 
Stevenson. 

" I cannot think it is more than two," returned Effie. 

Then my opinion was instantly called for. Having 
read many descriptions of the deceptive clearness of 
the atmosphere, which had the effect of greatly ex- 
tending the powers of vision, I made what I thought 
was the proper allowance, and guessed that the moun- 
tain was twenty miles off. 

Then the courier was sent for. 

" How far are we from yonder mountain ?" I in- 
quired. 

" Eighty-six miles, exactly," was the prompt reply. 

" Well, did you ever !" cried Effie. 

" Xo, never," said Miss Bell. 

" Hardly ever," dryly remarked Miss Stevenson. 

" Not often," was my appropriate rejoinder. 

We came dashing into Genoa at ten o'clock. 

Every tourist who comes here exhausts his vocabu- 
lary and his wit in scribbling about the ravishing 
beauty of Genoa, most of which may safely be set 
down as thin froth. The hand of Nature has per- 
formed wonders in the construction of the surrounding 
scenery, but the internal appearance of the city is by 
no means prepossessing. On the contrary, her streets 
are narrow, dismal, and unclean, while deformed beg* 
gars and ragged children swarm as thick as frogs in 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE^ H7 

Egypt. Decayed vegetables, dead cats, rats, and priests 
are to be encountered on every hand. I do not mean 
dead priests, neither do I intend any disrespect in men- 
tioning them in the same sentence with dead cats and 
rats. They are all pleasant, good people (I mean the 
priests, not dead cats and rats), and know how to enjoy 
the luxuries of life, which I dare say are always within 
their reach, if their round, rosy cheeks and capon-lined 
stomachs are to be taken as an index. I have never 
met a pale-faced priest save one, and lie was a new one 
who had not been loiisj in the service. 

There must have been a deluge of priests here. Go 
on a steamboat, you meet large crowds of them ; travel 
on a railroad, and they swarm there as thick as honey- 
bees round a woodbine blossom. Go to public parks, 
and they meet you on every path. You could not open 
a champagne-bottle without hurting the eye of a priest 
with the escaping cork. I saw a donkey overset thir- 
teen priests at one kick. Don't start at this assertion, 
for I assure you it is true. I will proceed to explain 
how it was accomplished. Suppose you take thirteen 
bricks, set them on end in a row close to one another ; 
then knock down the front brick, so it will fall against 
the next one. It will knock over that brick, and so 
on, until the last one is down. Thirteen priests were 
marching up a steep hill in single file; a lad was lead- 
ing a donkey up the same hill. The animal became 
stubborn, as we all know donkeys will sometimes do. 
The front priest gave it a punch with a stick, when it 
planted both heels on his large, round stomach, and the 
ecclesiastic was hurled back against number two; he 



118 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

fell against number three ; and so on until the entire row 
were stretched flat on their backs, with their heels point- 
ing skyward. The good fathers rose laughing heartily, 
evidently enjoying the ludicronsness of their situation as 
well as any of the spectators who witnessed the accident. 

We had the good fortune to meet a small party of 
Americans here, who have consented to travel with us 
for the rest of the tour. They have been travelling in 
Spain during the last six weeks. The muster-roll of 
our united forces shows eleven names besides that of the 
interpreter, — Hon. S. O. Thacher, wife, and two daugh- 
ters, Walter M. Dickson, J. M. Chittenden, Mrs.Greeno, 
the Misses Bell, Stevenson, and Effie, and the author of 
this famous composition. Mrs. Greeno, an estimable 
lady of New York, joined us at Paris. The only cause 
of regret produced by the union of the two parties is 
the necessity of giving up our excellent courier, as it is 
agreed that we will retain Charley Shurg, who has con- 
ducted the party through Spain. I, however, have rea- 
sons to believe we shall like Charley very well, and, 
while we regret to part with Alfred, we are pleased to 
know that he gets a splendid position as courier for a 
party now on their way to Palestine. 

I am delighted with this new addition of numbers 
to our party, because it makes one feel more comfort- 
able to be among our own countrymen. Dick is what 
our California gold-diggers would call a real bi'ick, 
which I understand to mean a man of excellent wit, 
quick at repartee, satirical, lively, good-natured, jovial, 
liberal, courageous, and independent. I will not say 
that he possessed all these qualities, lest he might be- 




MRS. S. GREENO. 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. H9 

come vain and self-conceited. His wit was of that 
fresh, vigorous quality that always sparkles and foams 
like good champagne. Mr. Chittenden, though social, 
talented, and generous, possessed rather a serious turn 
of mind. He rarely indulged in jokes or sarcasm, but 
when he did make a thrust, it cut deep, and sometimes 
vanquished his adversary. Notwithstanding the vast 
difference between his and Dickson's temperament, 
habits, and disposition, they were the very best of 
friends. Dick's humorous wit and Chittenden's dry 
satire, seasoned with Charley's ludicrous broken Eng- 
lish, never failed to evoke a hearty laugh from every 
member of the party. Indeed, take it all in all, I am 
happy in the belief that we have made a profitable 
treaty in uniting the two parties. 

The dignified judge (for whom each member of the 
party entertains the most profound respect) diligently 
discharges the duties of the office of moderator. His 
decisions usually settle all disputes arising out of the 
civil branch of service, while all questions connected 
with the military department are submitted to me. I 
have been unanimously elected commander-in-chief of 
Uncle Sam's brigade, — the new name given to our 
united forces. My title of " colonel" was honestly 
obtained by four long years of bloody war, through 
which I gallantly fought by proxy. I won a famous 
reputation as a first-class life-preserver. My regiment 
was always full of men, because they were not afraid 
of getting hurt while under my command. It was 
safer than staying at home. It was said that I killed 
more enemies than any colonel in the service. In a 



120 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

single engagement I destroyed a hundred men and 
twice as many horses. They ran themselves to death 
trying to catch me. The laurels I won can never com- 
pensate me for the torture inflicted upon me by an 
accusing conscience. The disembodied spirits of the 
men whose death I caused are continually shaking 
their gory locks at me, absolutely destroying my peace 
of mind. The Judge has exclusive jurisdiction over 
the conduct of the respective members of the brigade, 
with full power to levy and collect fines, and to make 
such rules and regulations for the government of the 
party as he may deem just and equitable. Charley is 
the adjutant, and performs the duties of commissary, 
quartermaster, transportation-agent, and interpreter. 
We do not, by any means, require or expect him to 
perform menial service. We furnish funds, and he 
superintends their disbursement. Thus completely 
organized, we mean to invade the entire continent. 

Miss Stevenson kindly consented to act as historian 
for the party; and quite well, indeed, does she dis- 
charge that important duty. When a cathedral, a 
palace, a cemetery, a villa, a park, or anything else is 
to be examined, she is always ready to point out the 
historical objects to be seen. Miss Bell took charge of 
the guide-books, reading them of nights, so as to be 
ready for the next day's work with such information 
as the nature of the case demanded. Mrs. Greeno, 
being a connoisseur of paintings, usually keeps the 
party well advised as to the best pictures to be ex- 
amined. I never knew how so to inspect a picture as 
to understand its merits until I learned the lesson from 



RAPID RAMBLING® IN EUROPE. 121 

her. Misses Nellie and Mollie Thacher have proved 
to be of invaluable advantage to the other members of 
the party, because they generally write down short 
descriptions of the most noteworthy objects. When I 
wish to describe an object and want my memory re- 
freshed, I never fail to find assistance when I call upon 
them. 

Our party seemed to have organized itself into a sort 
of military brigade of its own accord, each one assum- 
ing certain official duties the performance of which best 
suits his or her taste. If I can carry all the nom-de- 
plumes thrust upon me by the party, and live to return 
home, I will certainly be a real hero. 

The next morning after our organization was per- 
fected, while at breakfast, the Judge said, — 

" I am requested by the ladies to ask our illustrious 
commander what is to be the programme of the day's 
campaign.'' 

"If your Honor please," I replied, "three open 
carriages and a local guide are now waiting at the door 
to take the command : first to San Lorenzo Cathedral, 
thence to Campo Santo, after which — if the party is 
not too much fatigued — we will interview Garibaldi's 
palace, and then return to dinner." 

An approving smile from each one of the ladies 
afforded ample evidence of their satisfaction at the 
arrangement. 

When we entered the cathedral it was nearly full of 
people, some few kneeling before the Virgin Mary as if 
engaged in earnest prayer ; but I noticed several pretty, 
black-eyed girls who, instead of attending to their re- 

F 11 



122 RAPID RAM B LINOS IN EUROPE. 

ligious devotions, were continually casting side-glances 
at Dick and Chittenden. Fully one-half of the con- 
gregation were leisurely sauntering about the spacious 
room, conversing in low tones while examining the 
numerous paintings that adorn the walls. The other 
half, though kneeling, were intently watching our 
party. 

"Just look at those girls yonder, will you?" said 
Miss Bell. " Instead of praying, as they pretend, they 
are whispering, giggling, and making sport of us." 

"They are astonished to see an Egyptian mummy 
walking alone," replied Dick, as he pointed at me. 

In order to avoid taking cold while in those old, 
damp, dungeon-like churches, I had provided myself 
with a long black waterproof gown and a scull-cap, 
which Dick declared made me look like a mummy. 
They will allow visitors to wear scull-caps in the 
cathedrals, but not a hat. My skin was badly tanned 
by exposure to the Italian sun; Dick, therefore, was 
not altogether wrong in comparing me to a mummy. 

We had not been inside of the cathedral ten minutes 
when Miss Nellie, by dint of persistent inquiry, found 
the famous painting which we were all anxious to see. 
It was an excellent work, representing all the promi- 
nent scenes in the life and career of John the Baptist. 
First we see him baptizing the Saviour, while the Holy 
Ghost, in the shape of a dove, is flying down from 
heaven ; next, we behold him chained hand and foot 
in prison; then we see Herodias dancing before the 
delighted king; then we see John lying on the block, 
while the executioner is in the act of beheading him ; 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 123 

lastly, we behold the head on a charger, being pre- 
sented to Herodias. A sight of this wonderful work 
is alone worth the trouble and the expense of a visit to 
Genoa. The chain with which John the Baptist was 
said to have been manacled while in prison may be 
seen here. 

The most interesting relic to be seen here, though, 
is the Sacro Catino, on which it is affirmed that Christ 
ate the paschal lamb. It was a present from the Queen 
of Sheba to Solomon. It looks like polished emerald. 

Here there are numerous paintings that rank among 
the best in Europe, — one by Vandyck, which, the guide 
said, cost five hundred thousand francs. 

I was highly entertained by Mrs. Greeno, who 
pointed out and described in eloquent terms the beau- 
ties of the different pictures. She is a perfect judge of 
such things, and after hearing her criticisms on a work 
I was enabled to discover many excellencies that had 
escaped my observation. 

About all the works of Michael Angelo there is a 
peculiarity not noticeable in other paintings : the mus- 
cles and the veins of the body, when representing de- 
spair or physical pain, seemed to stand out as if ready 
to burst through the skin. I had overlooked this in- 
teresting feature until my attention was called to it by 
my efficient teacher. 

We had the benefit of a most delightful ride out to 
Campo Santo, a distance of two miles over a smooth, 
level road, lined on both sides with curious old build- 
ings which have withstood the storms of seven hun- 
dred years. There are over three thousand white 



124 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

marble statues to be seen at Campo Santo, the work of 
the best artists on the globe. My mind had pictured 
this famous cemetery entirely different from what it 
really is. I was expecting to see an extensive plot of 
splendidly-ornamented ground adorned with fragrant 
flowers and umbrageous trees, but I saw nothing of the 
sort. On the contrary, I beheld a grand, covered 
colonnade extending round a space of six acres, leav- 
ing a large, square, open area in the centre. The 
vaulted roof is supported by several hundred marble 
columns of the Gothic style of architecture. A mas- 
sive marble wall rises in the middle of the colonnade, 
flanked outside and in by a wide corridor. On the 
inner side of this wall are built innumerable narrow 
niches or recesses, which are sold, or rather rented, for 
family burial purposes. The building, or colonnade, 
is floored with white marble slabs, and in some in- 
stances the tombs are set on top of the floor ; in others, 
the dead are buried in the floor. The recesses are 
leased or sold at enormous prices, ranging from five to 
twenty thousand francs, according to size and finish. 
In many instances a niche will be rented for a number 
of years, ranging from five to ten ; at the expiration of 
the lease the skeleton must seek other lodgings. The 
corridor on the outer side of the wall is filled with ancient 
and mediaeval relics of art, stone and marble sarcophagi, 
Roman statuary, Egyptian tombs, Greek images of 
pagan deities, Cupids, Apollos, Venuses, and thousands 
of quaint old statues of every imaginable shape and 
quality. The large area of unornamented ground, 
which is completely surrounded by the square colon- 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 125 

nade, is used for the burial of the poor who are not 
able to secure more fashionable quarters in the colon- 
nade. 

The top of each tomb inside of Campo Santo is 
adorned with a life-sized statue of pure white marble, 
designed to present a correct likeness of the occupant. 
A photographic picture of the party is suspended above 
the statue, affording the visitor an opportunity of judg- 
ing as to the correctness of the likeness of the deceased. 
One of the most charming pieces of \fork I have yet 
seen is a bust of a pretty little girl with long curly 
hair, who died at the age of nine. The statue rep- 
resents her in the attitude of prayer, standing erect, 
her eyes raised towards heaven, and her little hands 
clasped together before her breast. The features repre- 
sented by the cold white marble are the exact counter- 
part of those contained in the photographic picture 
suspended above it. This magnificent work was done 
by an artist at Rome at a cost of five thousand dollars. 

Another statue attracted my attention, which was, 
indeed, worth looking at. It represented a wife kneel- 
ing and weeping, while her face was turned towards 
heaven, with tearful eyes fixed on the departing spirit 
of her husband, which was flying up toward Paradise. 
Time was holding the woman's wrists and commanding 
her to wait until God should call her to join him in 
heaven. Large tear-drops stood on her cheeks, while 
the deepest despair was visible in her features. Tiiis 
magnificent work was executed by Agostino Allegora, 
of Rome. 

We were quite fortunate in getting to Genoa at the 
11* 



126 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

time we did, for it was a holiday, and all the churches, 
cathedrals, parks, streets, and palaces were handsomely 
decorated, and at night brilliantly illuminated with 
thousands of colored lights. The citizens were cele- 
brating the anniversary of the birth of John the Bap- 
tist. A dozen bands of music followed by long lines 
of gayly-clad boys and girls were continually parading 
the town. Every night the streets were ablaze with 
sky-rockets, Roman candles, and painted lanterns. 
Everybody seemed to be wild with joy. 

A certain liquid substance known at Leadville as 
" tangle-foot" or " bust-head," " corn-juice," etc., is 
by no means scarce here. It will throw an Italian, 
too, the same as it does an American ; though the 
natives here are not at all afraid of it. Bravely they 
tackle it, and quietly surrender when it conquers them. 
The drunken yells fell familiarly on my ear. It was 
so home-like ! I could shut my eyes and imagine that 
I was among my own people at home. 

Palaces are plentiful in Genoa. There is nothing 
attractive in their exterior appearance, — indeed, they 
have a gloomy, dingy aspect, — but their spacious halls 
are elegantly frescoed and adorned with gold and brass 
artistically carved. The inside walls are covered with 
famous pictures by the most distinguished artists. The 
works of Rubens, Vandyck, Angel o, and Raphael, 
abound in many of the palaces of the nobility. The 
interior of Garibaldi's palace, though not so gorgeously 
inlaid with gold as that of many others, nor so extrav- 
agantly furnished, is, as I think, the prettiest one we 
visited. The old hero's family were residing in it when 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 127 

we were there. Villa Negro is beyond question the 
most charming pleasure-resort in or near Genoa. It 
was presented to the city by a wealthy negro, hence its 
peculiar name. It embraces a large tract of uneven 
ground, including an elevated plateau, rising several 
hundred feet above the gulf, affording a splendid view 
of the surrounding country. Many gravelled walks, 
bordered with odoriferous flowers, meander in every 
direction, half hidden with dark-green foliages that 
intermingle their branches overhead. Cool rural grot- 
toes, filled with rustic seats and completely covered with 
blooming vines, lure the wearied visitor into their cosey 
cells. 

Small groups of beautiful, black-eyed women, gor- 
geously clad in white robes, with long black hair fall- 
ing unconfined about their shoulders, sauntered through 
the park, every now and then peeping at us from under 
their veils. The ladies of Genoa have a provoking 
habit of concealing their pretty faces behind white 
veils ; but occasionally they will gather up the fleecy 
fabric with the left hand, giving it a twist, so as to 
expose one eye and about one-third of the face, then 
peer at you with a coquettish twinkle, which, Dick 
says, is worse than assault and battery with intent to 
kill. The ladies of our party say that it is sheer vanity 
that causes them to expose the eyes and conceal the 
face, because their eyes are pretty and their features 
are ugly. I concede the fact that the ladies are good 
judges of pictures, but I will not endorse their opinion 
about the women of Genoa. 

Villa Negro was illuminated during the St. John 



128 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

festival with thousands of variegated lights, while a 
vast multitude of people in holiday costume swarmed 
amoug the shining flowers, presenting a scene of 
inimitable gayety. Hundreds of little boats and ships 
rode on the still bosom of the bay, their decks ablaze 
with bright lights, while the reflection in the water 
made it look like ten thousand spiral columns. of living 
fire whirling round rapidly far below the surface. 

The Italians can beat the world in the art of beauti- 
fying everything. They are fond of gay colors, gay 
dresses, gay balls, gay music, gay horses, gay women ; 
and I have not as yet met an Italian who did not 
appear to be glad he was not dead. 



CHAPTER XL 

The present population of Genoa is one hundred 
and forty thousand, though this amount does not in- 
clude fleas and priests. The census-takers could not 
count them. An American flea is not waist-high to 
an Italian flea. Then there is as much difference in 
their nature and their habits as there is in their per- 
sonal appearance. An American flea will torment you 
more by prancing round and tickling your body than 
he will by biting. In point of fact, he is usually so 
poor and feeble that he cannot push his bill into your 
skin unless he can manage to get his back against 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 129 

something that will hold him down to his work. An 
Italian flea never fools away his time in prospecting or 
sauntering round ; he selects an eligible location, in- 
serts his stiletto, sets his pumps to work, draws up his 
lunch, despatches it, and retires. He needs no dead- 
weight to hold him down while he works, for he is 
large, fat, and strong. Italian fleas would scorn to 
associate with American fleas ; in fact, they would not 
admit them into their society at all. 

Madame Fortune played me a scurvy trick the other 
night which slightly damaged my poverty-stricken 
purse. The accident was caused by Italian fleas. I 
was vainly trying to woo Morpheus, so as to induce 
him to take me into his arms, and doubtless he would 
have done so but for the myriads of fleas that congre- 
gated in my bed. I made a gallant fight. I could 
repulse them while awake, but sleep was out of the 
question. The old clock struck two, and yet I had 
not closed my eyes. I got up and began to feel about 
for a match, intending to strike a light. The room 
was as dark as Egypt. After searching in vain for ten 
minutes, my elbow struck something; it fell with a 
crash, striking another thing. The thing last aforesaid 
fell against another thing, tilting it against another 
thing; the other thing went against another thing. 
The thing above mentioned toppled over on a thing 
that stood by it, when the aforesaid thing knocked 
down five other things. Such a jingling, crashing, 
rattling, tumbling, and falling of broken things never 
before assailed my auditory nerve. 

I heard footsteps approaching the door; I leaped 



130 RAPID RAMBLINOS IN EUROPE. 

into bed and remained quiet. " Tap, tap, lap," sounded 
on the door. 

" What ze mattee f 

I made no answer. 

Another loud knock, and another, — 

"What ze mattee?'' 

I made no answer, but held my peace, and very soon 
the man marched away. 

A thousand questions did my perturbed spirit ask 
about the- nature of the wreck I had caused. I ceased 
to think of sleep ; indeed, I could not keep my mind 
off the mass of ruins that I knew would greet my eyes 
in the morning. Had Banquo's bloody ghost been in 
bed with me, shaking his gory locks in my very face, 
it could not have increased my misery. Never did a 
lovesick maiden sigh and watch for her absent darling 
with such anxiety as that with which I watched for the 
peep of dawn. 

It is said that everything will come right if we wait 
long enough. I have no suggestions to offer on that 
point, though I know daylight did come at last, when 
a horrible sight met my eyes. On a long table that 
stood against the wall lay a confused mass of broken 
heads, arms, and legs, though I was rejoiced to see no 
blood. A dozen plaster of Paris saints had come to an 
untimely end through my awkwardness. The head of 
John the Baptist had been knocked off, and lay by the 
side of his mangled body ; the Virgin Mary's nose was 
gone ; St. Mark was literally destroyed beyond recog- 
nition ; Luke had lost an arm ; Matthew, a leg; Paul, 
a head ; and Peter was a melancholy wreck, while the 



RAPID RAMBL1NGS IN EUROPE. 



131 



mangled remains of the rest lay in a mingled heap on 
the table. 

As soon as I completed my toilet I threw a blanket 
over the broken ruins and hurried out of the room, 
vainly hoping that the sad fate of the apostles would 
not be discovered until I could get away. But, alas ! 
how flimsy is the foundation on wliich human expecta- 
tions rest! No sooner had I arose from the break- 
fast-table than Charley handed me a bill, which he 
£aid was a demand for the damages I had caused. The 
charges were so much lighter than I was expecting that 
I paid it without a murmur. Here is the bill : 



Colonel F., Room No. 13, Dr. 



Knocking head off John the Baptist 
Knocking nose off Virgin Mary . 
Totally destroying St. Mark 
Breaking arm of St. Luke . 
Breaking leg of St. Matthew 
Breaking head of St. Paul . 
Totally demolishing St. Peter 
Damage to John and Judas . 



Total 



f. c. 

1.00 
.25 

1.50 
.25 
.50 
.50 

1.50 
.50 



6.00 



So you see that the whole bill amounted to only six 
francs, equal to one dollar and twenty cents, American 
money. One hundred centimes make one franc, which 
is equal to twenty cents in our currency. 

You can scarcely find a house in Italy that does not 
contain scores of plaster images of Christ and the 
apostles. They are easily broken, as I very well know 
from a dollar and twenty cents' worth of experience. 



132 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

The statue of Columbus, composed of white marble, 
to be seen in the Plaza Acquaverde, is among the 
prominent sights of Genoa. The figure of America 
kneels at the base of the pedestal. The monument is 
completely encircled with allegorical images represent- 
ing Religion, Geography, Strength, Wisdom, and so 
forth. 

We invaded Palazza-del-Municipio, which contains 
many interesting relics, chief among which are two au- 
tograph letters of Columbus, — at least the guide said 
so. Dick offered to wager the champagne that Genoa 
could not produce a man that could read those letters. 
The fact is, the ghost of the famous navigator could not 
read them if it was allowed to revisit the earth for the 
purpose of trying to do so. Baptize a hundred house- 
flies in black ink, let them down on a sheet of paper, 
and they will make plainer letters than Columbus did. 
It is said, however, that all great men write bad hands, 
— the type-setters say my manuscript is abominable. 

I have for some time been on the war-path, bent on 
mischief. I am after the inventor of the table-dlidte 
dinner system, and will certainly destroy him if I can 
catch him. Of all the intolerable nuisances that 
abound on the Continent, the table-dliote dinner plan 
is the greatest, flies, fleas, and beggars not excepted. 
Knowing, as I do, that this abominable nuisance is a 
stranger to America, I deem an explanation necessary. 
I will therefore describe the first table-dliote dinner I 
ever had the misfortune to be involved in, which was 
in London. 

We will begin with a hundred guests seated on each 



RAPID RAMBL1N0S IN EUROPE. 133 

side of a long table, on which appeared no trace of 
food. A wilderness of snow-white napkins, twisted 
into spiral columns and stuck into goblets, rose up be- 
fore the guests like a brigade of Liliputian ghosts. In 
front of each guest sat a cavernous soup-plate of enor- 
mous size. At the head of the table stood an emperor, 
— at least such was the conclusion forced upon my 
mind by his dress and deportment. He was in full 
dress, with hair properly oiled and parted in the mid- 
dle, hands encased in white kids, face clean-shaved and 
very much disguised with rouge. On each side of the 
emperor stood a duke, clad exactly like him. 

A painful silence prevailed for a few minutes, while 
expectation of coming events pervaded the silent, hun- 
gry patrons. At length the emperor slowly waved his 
left hand, which was the signal for the performance to 
begin. Each duke then seized a silver canoe filled 
with imitation soup, and began to dish it out at the 
head of the table with a ladle. I occupied a position 
near the foot of the board, which saved me the incon- 
venience of eating hot soup, as it had ample time to 
cool before the duke reached me. As soon as the two 
dukes had helped all the guests to soup they returned 
to headquarters, reported the fact to the emperor, and 
resumed their places by his side. 

It is the custom never to commence serving the sec- 
ond course until all the guests have completely finished 
the first. It matters not how hungry you may be, you 
are forced to wait until all the soup-plates are removed 
before you can begin on the next course. A lady 
opposite me had discovered a new-style bonnet, the 

12 



134 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

exquisite beauties of which had to be described to her 
nearest neighbor. For twenty minutes she expatiated 
in most eloquent terms about the new discovery. She 
saw the Princess Beatrice wearing one precisely like it 
in Hyde Park no longer ago than yesterday. While 
all this nonsense was consuming my valuable time, I 
sat there feeling as lean and hungry as Caesar thought 
Cassius looked. At last the lady sipped a spoonful of 
the soup and shoved the plate away. Then the em- 
peror gave another signal, and the second course, consist- 
ing of fish cut into fragments nearly as large as a 
lady's thimble, was brought round. 

Another report made to headquarters, another half- 
hour to be wasted on nothing. A crack-brained mem- 
ber of Parliament made a speech to half a dozen con- 
stituents who sat on each side of him. He discussed 
the British Constitution, and then attacked Gladstone's 
Irish policy, entertaining his audience with the new 
plans he had invented to overthrow the present admin- 
istration. After he had succeeded in convincing every- 
body that the country was rapidly going to destruction, 
and would eventually make the connection unless his 
policy was adopted, he swallowed his little scrap of 
fish at one bite, and leaned back in his chair apparently 
pleased with the impression he had made. 

I have given a correct history of two courses, and 
would describe the other thirteen, but the paper-mills 
are running on only half-time now. 

The idea of a business-man sitting at a dinner-table 
three hours is supremely ridiculous. If everybody 
were to take a liking to table-d'hdtc dinners the wheels 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 135 

of time would have to be scotched, else a universal 
famine would prevail. If you take a notion that you 
want water, they just let you take it, — not the water, 
but the notion. You are forced to drink wine in self- 
defence, because you can get nothing else. I called for 
a glass of water on one occasion. The duke hurriedly 
ran back three or four steps, and gazed at me for a 
moment in wild amazement, then hastened to the em- 
peror and told him there was a crazy man at the table. 
As he pointed at me, — 

" Why do you think he is crazy ?" inquired the em- 
peror. 

" Why, he wants water !" replied the duke. 

I state it as a fact that at no hotel on the Continent 
is ice-water kept prepared for the guests. It can be 
purchased by giving a special order, and waiting until 
a servant goes to the river, brings the water, then goes 
to an ice-house and gets the ice. I was a thousand 
times told that if I drank water in Italy it would 
assuredly kill me. I was half-way convinced of the 
truth of the statement, but I concluded death would 
not hurt as bad as the abominable wine. 

If you take dinner in England, you will find the 
bill of fare printed in French, Dutch, and Cherokee; if 
you dine in Italy, it will be printed in Spanish and 
Greek ; in France, it will have some of all languages. 
The rule is to so print it that none of the guests can 
read it. 

On one occasion I called for a piece of fried chicken. 
The waiter stared at me in perfect bewilderment. 

"Bring me a phizzeematteeree, if you please," said I. 



136 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

Three minutes afterwards a nice breast of fried 
chicken was before me. 

A table-dliote dinner usually consists of ten to fifteen 
courses; one hundred guests, — fifteen hundred plates 
to be handled. As a means of bulling the queensware 
market, I pronounce it a success ; as a hunger-extermi- 
nator it is an absolute failure. 



CHAPTER XII. 

Pisa, June 26, 1883. 

We departed from Genoa at six o'clock in the even- 
ing, taking the train for Pisa, where we arrived at 
12 noon. Charley had by telegraph secured hotel ac- 
commodations for the party, consequently we found 
everything ready for us, including fleas and beggars. 

I would gladly describe the romantic scenery which 
lies adjacent to the line of the railroad between Pisa 
and Genoa, but I do not consider hearsay evidence re- 
liable, and not having beheld it with my own eyes, am 
deprived of that pleasure. Daylight has apparently 
quit trying to mingle with the insignificant spaces be- 
tween the innumerable tunnels, at least such w r as the 
conclusion forced upon my mind, for no streak of light 
ten minutes wide ever made its appearance during the 
run. 

Old Pisa looks like a leviathan thrown up by the 
waves of the sea, and left to linger and to die, friend- 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 137 

less and unmourned. She has long since retired from 
business, or perhaps it would be more accurate to 
say that business has retired from her. A thousand 
years ago her walls were washed by the waves of the 
Mediterranean, and the cargoes of other nations then 
enriched her citizens, but the sea has withdrawn to a 
distance of five miles from her gates, leaving her to 
crumble into ruins. 

Nothing was talked about at breakfast but the Lean- 
ing Tower, and I think much more was said about it 
than was justifiable. A walk of ten minutes from the 
hotel brought us to the base of this famous tower. 
There is only one mystery connected with this edifice, 
and that is as to how it ever managed to secure a posi- 
tion in the class of the world's wonders. I was look- 
ing for an old rickety ruin with dingy walls, broken 
columns, and crumbling capitals, but I beheld a charm- 
ing structure of snow-white marble, glittering like 
silver and diamonds mingled together and exposed to 
the bright rays of the sun. It looks as fresh and as 
new as if it had been built ten years ago ; indeed, its 
outer appearance shows no signs of age whatever. 

" Oh, my ! Is it not beautiful ?" exclaimed Erne, as 
we drew near the tower. 

" Hush !" said Miss Bell ; " language cannot do the 
subject justice." 

" It looks as though one could easily push it down," 
said Miss Stevenson. " I believe I'll give it a trial." 

" Stop !" cried Dick, placing himself between Miss 
Stevenson and the tower. "Let me beseech you not 
to destroy it, because it would be taking bread from the 

12* 



138 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

mouths of women and children. Grass would grow 
in the streets of Pisa if you destroyed that establish- 
ment." 

"Enough !" returned Miss Stevenson ; "say no more. 
Your argument is irresistible, and I will forbear." 

The summit of the tower is one hundred and 
ninety-four feet above the ground, and is reached by a 
spiral flight of marble stairs, the edges of which have 
been worn down to a mere shell by the tramp of human 
feet falling on them for over seven hundred years. The 
walls are about eight feet thick, leaving in the centre a 
broad, round, hollow space, which at one time was used 
as a prison. 

It is my opinion (for which I make no extra charge) 
that the architect who planned the tower set out to 
build a curiosity, and made a brilliant success of it. 
In plain terms, I mean to say that a leaning tower was 
contracted for, and that it was built according to con- 
tract. The top is only thirteen feet out of perpendic- 
ular, and I dare say it could stand ten more without 
falling, because I think the wall on the lower side is 
hollow, while on the upper it is solid, thereby throw- 
ing the most of the weight on that side. If it had 
been originally constructed on a perpendicular line, and 
afterwards began to lean, it never would have stopped 
until it fell to the ground, because the more it leaned 
the heavier would have been the pressure on the 
foundation at the lower side. 

Dick, while standing on the top of the tower, gazing 
down through the round space in the middle, dropped 
his hat, winch lodged on an iron hook projecting from 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 139 

the wall a considerable distance from the ground. For 
the recovering of which a boy charged him three francs. 
The structure has eight galleries supported by 
beautiful white marble columns wrought in the Gothic 
style. Iron banisters are arranged round on the outer 
edge of the galleries so as to prevent accidents. The 
diameter of the tower at the base is fifty feet, and not 
much less at the top. It is not definitely known for 
what purpose it was originally erected, but I think it 
very probable that it was built for a light-house, as it 
was close to the seashore when constructed. Galileo 
made his first astronomical observations from its top. 
It was from this elevated point that he often experi- 
mented by calculating the time consumed by falling 
objects which he threw from it. These experiments 
suggested the use of the pendulum as a measure of 
time ; which idea he conceived from the swinging lamp 
in the cathedral, which hangs from the lofty ceiling by 
a small iron rod about one hundred feet long. Galileo 
constructed a rude machine by which he could ascertain 
how much longer it would require a hundred-pound 
stone to fall from the summit of the tower than it 
would the same number of pounds of wool or any 
other light substance. He took an old leaden organ- 
pipe and converted it into a telescope, and from the 
summit of the tower began to read the mysteries of the 
planets. He kept on improving his telescope until he 
discovered the satellites of Jupiter. But when he had 
the temerity to say that the earth revolved, he was at 
once summoned before the Holy Inquisition at Rome, 
tried, and condemned to imprisonment, and while 



140 RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. 

clothed in sackcloth and ashes, was forced to kneel 
down and swear that the earth did not move. After 
having subscribed to the oath and kissed the Bible, he 
rose to his feet and, in an undertone, said, " It does 
move for all that." They served him exactly right. 
He had no business to say the earth moved, when the 
Pope had ordered it to be still. Old Galileo was a 
little too smart, anyhow. He was continually nosing 
round, meddling with forbidden things, just like 
Mother Eve. The truth of the business is, he had 
too much curiosity. 

The reason why I like the Roman Church so much 
is because it saves people the trouble of thinking. It 
claims the right to think for them. Dante got entirely 
too smart, and they had to banish him. He pretended 
to have made a pleasure excursion to hell, and, not 
being satisfied with spinning such an absurd yarn, went 
on to tell about having seen half a dozen Popes tor- 
mented in the flames of the infernal regions. He said 
they were swung up by the heels, while black demons 
were constantly heaping fresh fire on their naked feet. 
Now, Dante was evidently drunk on mean wine and 
tormented by Italian fleas when he wrote that slander 
against the Pope. Did he not know that the Pope 
always keeps the keys of heaven ? How could one of 
those worthies fail to go to Paradise while holding the 
keys in his pocket? The truth is, Dante's punish- 
ment was quite light for such an enormous slander. 
He was not content with venting his spleen against the 
Popes, but he uncorked the phials of his wrath upon 
the holy Fathers. He had the effrontery to say he 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 141 

had seen scores of priests roasting in the sulphuric 
flames of torment. 

Dante was nearly as bad as the heretics of the pres- 
ent age, who are continually clamoring for the privilege 
of doing their own thinking. Many of them are so 
bold as to pray for themselves, without doing it by 
proxy. If a check is not put to this absurdity, 
Heaven only knows where it will end. 

The population of Pisa is fifty-four thousand. 
The city is nearly equally divided by the beautiful 
Arno. The river is about five hundred feet wide, 
spanned by several substantial stone bridges, both 
banks being handsomely walled with brick. The 
streets, running parallel with the river, are broad, well 
paved, clean, and very pretty. We enjoyed a delight- 
ful drive for three miles along the margin of the river, 
over a smooth road completely sheltered by verdant 
elms. Many charming parks were to be seen, filled 
with elegantly-dressed ladies and gentlemen enjoying 
the fresh evening breeze. Great quantities of charm- 
ing flowers, looking fresh and thrifty, lined the road- 
side. A delicious calm pervaded the vicinity. Nobody 
appeared to have anything to do, except to sip wine 
and beer, and stare at the crowd of strangers. 

This evening we visited the old dingy house where 
Galileo was born, — February 1 5, 1 564. It was occupied 
by a family consisting of husband, wife, eleven chil- 
dren, six dogs, eight cats, four goats, ten ducks, sixteen 
chickens, and a fat pig. I offered a franc for the door- 
knob, but nobody understood me, except one of the 
goats, who spoke to me in plain English, with an old- 



142 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

fashioned American bleat, though he could not give 
me the relic I so badly wanted. 

We took a ride out to the sea-shore, which is about 
five miles from the city. The road runs through a 
most beautiful landscape, cultivated like a garden. In 
the utmost extent of the vision on both sides, appeared 
boundless fields of ripe wheat. 

The prospect that burst on our view as we drew 
near the sea-shore was indescribably beautiful. A 
gentle breeze murmured through the dense pine-forest 
that closely skirts the shore, while a thousand diminu- 
tive waves of the deepest-blue water chased one another 
toward the shore. Far out from the beach scores of 
little crafts, with their snowy sails bent before the 
breeze, went darting rapidly over the water. This 
is the point where Shelley's body drifted ashore. On 
the 8th of July, 1822, he was attempting to manage 
a small sail-boat, which, it seems, he did not very Well 
understand. A sudden gust of wind upset his craft, 
and he was drowned. Byron, who then resided at 
Pisa, had Shelley's body cremated, placed the ashes in 
an urn, and buried them at Rome. The house in which 
Byron dwelt while here was pointed out to us. It is 
a charming little cottage, overlooking the calm waters 
of the Arno. The poet was then living with Countess 
Guiccioli under circumstances that would subject a 
man to criminal indictment in the United States. 

The Campo Santo of Pisa is full of quaint old relics 
of every imaginable description. The picture of hell 
in fresco on the wall presents a most horrible spectacle. 
Twenty-five young devils are to be seen lashing the 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 143 

spirits of the damned with enormous fiery serpents, 
while the boss demon, with three blazing eyes, watches 
the proceeding and encourages his staff. By what 
authority the artist gave the chief devil three eyes and 
the rest only two is a mystery which needs explanation. 
A king stood before Satan with his head in his hand, 
apparently begging to have it stuck back on his shoul- 
ders. I suppose it was intended to represent Charles 
I., who had the ill luck to make the acquaintance of 
Cromwell. 

Dick seized a little stone and drew back as if he was 
going to throw it at the picture. 

" What's the matter, Dick?" I inquired. 

" Just look at that young devil there !" he replied. 
" Don't you see him thrusting his pitchfork through 
the neck of that pretty girl? Stand out of the way 
and let me knock his head off." 

A score of beautiful women were being driven 
through lurid flames, by as many hideous fiends, 
who were shovelling red coals on their heads. The 
artist must have conceived the plan of this picture from 
Dante's " Inferno." 

In the centre of the Campo Santo there is a small 
square plot of ground, brought here from Jerusalem. 
I was about to put my hands in it, when Dick re- 
strained me. 

" Hold, colonel !" he said, as he grasped my arm ; 
"you know not what you do. That dirt is min- 
gled with priestly ashes. Here is where the good 
Fathers are buried. You certainly would not be so 
irreverent as to put your unhallowed hands in holy 



144 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

dirt? For heaven's sake, let me induce you to for- 
bear !" 

" Ah, my ever-faithful friend !" I exclaimed, " you 
have saved me. I was not aware of the enormity of 
the crime I was about to commit !" 

Campo Santo was built in 1063, the Leaning Tower 
in 1174, and the baptistery in 1162. The last-named 
edifice is by far the grandest structure to be seen in 
Pisa. The four sides of the pulpit are adorned with 
some of the best bas-relief carving to be found on the 
Continent; indeed, it is said to be the finest in the 
world. One side represents the Last Judgment, a 
view of which is worth half a dozen leaning towers. 

In a sweet, mellow tone our guide sung a verse from 
a hymn which, after the lapse of five seconds, was dis- 
tinctly repeated by an echo at the top of the house. 
Again and again was the verse repeated in musical 
strains, gradually dying away into a soft whisper. 

"When we entered the old cathedral, the first thing I 
did was to give the famous swinging lamp a slight push, 
just as Galileo had done three hundred years before. 
When I left the house, at the end of an hour, it was still 
oscillating as if it had no idea of stopping. The guide 
said it would come to a perfect stand-still in two hours. 
When we descended from the top of the Leaning 
Tower, our guide bored us with an eloquent lecture re- 
garding that magnificent edifice, declaring that it was 
undoubtedly the grandest wonder on the globe. 

From the humorous sparkle of Dick's eye, I knew 
that he was meditating mischief. 

" Of all the humbugs that ever existed," he ex- 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 145 

claimed, "I think the Leaning Tower is the greatest. 
I will write a book for the purpose of exposing this 
pitiful scheme, invented to extort money from con- 
fiding visitors." 

" Now, my dear sir," cried the guide, as he held his 
handkerchief to his eyes, pretending to be deeply 
moved, "I implore you for mercy. If you destroy 
the reputation of that tower, you thereby take bread 
and meat from the mouths of women and children. I 
have a sickly wife, seventeen unhealthy children, a 
blind mother, a crippled brother, a paralytic sister, and 
a crazy mother-in-law, all dependent on the reputation 
of that tower for subsistence ; that wonderful curiosity 
is our bread and meat. In addition to all this, we have 
something less than eighteen hundred priests whol In- 
dependent upon that tower for a support. How could 
you be so cruel as to deprive these holy Fathers of their 
wine, to say nothing about cigars and tobacco ?" 

" Say no more," exclaimed Dick ; " you have pre- 
vailed. The priestly argument is irresistible, and the 
reputation of the tower shall stand." 

" Heaven bless you, my dear sir ! you have made me 
supremely happy. The prayers of my large family will 
continually ascend to heaven for you, and myriads of 
priests will unite in securing an absolution for you." 

The truth is, I and Dick had caught a Tartar instead 
of a dunce. I expect he had often met our sort before 
that day. 

We took a drive out to the king's farm, which con- 
sists of about ten thousand acres of heavy-timbered 
land bordering on the seashore. By what authority it 
q k 13 



146 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

is called a farm I did not learn, though I suppose it 
was owing to the fact that it was sown thick with wild 
boars. We did not have the good luck to see any of 
them, as they are not in the habit of exhibiting them- 
selves to visitors. The king occasionally comes down 
to call upon them, and to introduce them to his dogs 
and other friends. 

As Dick is continually making me the butt of his 
jokes, I consider myself justified in retaliating when I 
have an opportunity to get the laugh on him. This 
evening an excellent chance presented itself, which 
afforded me ample revenge. We were wandering 
leisurely along in the suburbs of the city, inspecting 
the grand old houses, dingy ruins, and broken walls, 
when Dick happened to see a cherry-tree, heavily 
laden with tempting fruit, upon which he resolved 
to make a raid. I tried to dissuade him from the 
attempt, calling his attention to a farm-house hard 
by, and suggested the probability of his encounter- 
ing dogs. My warnings, however, were disregarded ; 
indeed, I have begun to think that he enjoys fruit 
or anything else that is obtained through danger and 
difficulties. A low stone wall enclosed a small plot 
of ground, the cherry-tree standing a few yards from 
the fence. Dick leaped over the wall at a single bound, 
and instantly began to pluck the fruit. 

" Look out, Dick !" I exclaimed, as I saw a savage- 
looking dog walking deliberately toward him ; but I 
had scarcely uttered the words when the animal, with 
distended jaws, made a dash at him. 

Instead of leaping over the wall, as he could have 



RAPID RAMBLINOS IN EUROPE. 147 

done with all ease, Dick began to slap the dog's face 
with his hat. The dog seized the hat with his teeth 
and started to run toward the house, evidently bent 
on carrying it as a trophy to his master. 

Now I, who know him well, can testify to Dick's 
courage, and to the further fact that neither dog nor 
man could commit such a bold robbery upon him with 
impunity. I can and do state it as a matter of belief 
that for a short distance he could outrun any dog that 
ever trod Italian soil. At all events, I know that he 
could beat the one that had captured his hat, for he 
overtook the dog and seized his tail before he had ran 
twenty yards. The animal dropped the hat and tried 
to fix his teeth in Dick's leg, which he, of course, was 
unable to do while his tail was so firmly held. Then 
commenced one of the most amusing combats that any 
one ever witnessed. Round and round they went, every 
now and then the dog making vigorous efforts to re- 
verse his body, so as to enable him to use his teeth. 

" Why in the deuce don't you come over here and 
help me?" cried Dick. 

I now began to pelt the dog with stones, which en- 
abled Dick to plant the heel of his boot on the animal's 
ribs. This had the effect of bringing the combat to an 
abrupt close. The dog went whining home, while we 
hurried towards town. 

Dick will not be apt to go back there after cherries. 



148 RAPID RAMB LINGS IN EUROPE. 



CHAPTER XIII. 

Bomb, July 3, 1883. 

We made the run from Pisa to Rome in the night, 
which, of course, deprived us of the pleasure of seeing 
the beautiful scenery with which the road is lined on 
both sides. Pullman's sleepers are not yet used on 
continental roads, but I managed to convert my com- 
partment into a first-class bed-chamber, by means of 
which I secured a good night's rest. For this com- 
fortable convenience I am indebted to Charley, whose 
inventive brain palmed me off on the agent as a Ger- 
man prince specially deputed to carry important docu- 
ments from Bismarck to the Pope. He induced the 
officials to believe that the fate of the nation depended 
upon my mission, and that all would be lost unless I 
had a whole compartment to myself. 

We took formal possession of Rome at seven o'clock 
on Wednesday morning. 

" What a muddy little creek !" cried Effie, as the 
train dashed across a low iron bridge. 

" That is the Tiber," replied Miss Bell. 

" Well, if that is the Tiber," remarked Miss Steven- 
son, "I must say it is the smallest river, according to 
the size of its reputation, that anybody ever saw." 

I entirely agree with the idea expressed by Miss 
Stevenson. I do not think the Tiber is over a hundred 
yards wide at any point near Rome. It is an ugly, 



RAPID RAM B LINGS IN EUROPE. 149 

muddy, filthy little stream, whose waters go sluggishly 
rolliug along between low, uneven banks, dividing the 
city into nearly equal parts. The lean and hungry 
Cassius certainly was justified in entertaining a feeling 
of contempt for Julius Caesar, if it is a fact that he 
said, when swimming across the Tiber, — 

" Save me, Cassius, or I perish !" 

A man might succeed in committing suicide by 
drowning in the Tiber, if he had the courage to hold 
his head under the water long enough ; but if he were 
to change his mind, he would have nothing to do but 
to get up and deliberately walk out. 

u I suppose," said Dick, " that the river is large 
enough to drown blind puppies and kittens in ?" 

" Not unless sinkers are fastened about their necks," 
replied Miss Bell. 

The truth is that, since I have seen Rome and the 
Tiber, I have began to lose confidence in poets and 
historians. They have exaggerated everything apper- 
taining to Roman history. When a schoolboy, I used 
to read about Caesar's famous Tenth Legion, and I 
imagined them to be gods instead of men. I was 
taught to believe that Caesar was an invincible warrior 
who crushed every nation that dared to oppose him. 
General Grant would have annihilated him at the first 
meeting ; " Stonewall" Jackson would have beaten him 
in a day ; Bedford Forrest would have ensnared him an 
hour before day ; Phil. Sheridan would have cut off his 
supplies, captured his wagon-train, dispersed his army, 
and then cursed the luck that prevented him from 
killing the murderous banditti; John Morgan would 

13* ' 



150 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

have annoyed him to death by hovering on his flanks, 
front and rear, killing his scouts, pickets, and foraging- 
parties, and frightening his men half to death by the 
audacity of his movements; General Lee would not 
have waited for him to cross the Rubicon ; he would 
have whipped him and his famous legions before they 
got to that creek. 

The present city does not occupy the territory on 
which stood ancient Rome. The seven hills are cov- 
ered with the mouldering ruins of old-time temples, 
palaces, monuments, theatres, and mausoleums, while 
the modern city is situated in the valley, on both sides 
of the Tiber. Most of the streets are narrow, un- 
sightly, lined on each side with ill-shaped houses filled 
with ragged, dirty children, dogs, and donkeys. Naked 
children, priests, and beggars seem spontaneously to 
spring from the earth as thick as warriors rose where 
Cadmus sowed the Dragon's teeth. Dante evidently 
referred to Rome when he was describing his trip to the 
infernal regions. I recognized many of the scenes he 
described as being in hell. 

I entertain no ill-will toward priests, but I do not 
like to be overflowed, submerged, smothered, and run 
over by them. A corner cannot be turned without 
jostling a priest. If a stone is thrown at a dog, a 
priest is hit; if a beggar is kicked at, a priest is struck. 
A pinch of snuff cannot be taken without making half 
a dozen priests sneeze. If you are not very careful 
when you wish to scratch your head, you will find 
yourself scratching the head of a priest. With a 
loaded shot-gun you could not shoot in any direction 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 151 

without bringing down half a score of them. I never 
exaggerate. I don't know precisely how many locusts 
invaded the shores of Egypt, but I dare say they were 
few in comparison with the army of priests that infest 
the streets of Rome. 

The celebrated Corso, about which much nonsense 
has been written, is an insignificant little concern only 
a mile and a quarter in length, and not as wide as 
Broadway, in New York. Its pavements are only 
four feet in width. Once a year this street is imbedded 
with earth and converted into a race-course. The 
horses are covered with machines that continuously 
prick their skins with sharp-pointed spurs. They are 
then turned loose without riders, and make their best 
speed from one end of the Corso to the other. Eigh- 
teen hundred years ago it was the custom to force 
Christians to run naked through this street, while men 
were thickly stationed, armed with long whips, on both 
sides to lash them as they passed, in order to compel 
them to make their best speed. God punished these 
people at last. If Titus, Claudius, and Nero could 
look up from their graves and see the filthy, priest- 
ridden, little, insignificant town that now constitutes 
Rome, they would be doubly punished by the sad sight. 

During the reign of Augustus Csesar, Ovid made use 
of the following language : " Jupiter, when he looks 
from his height over the whole earth, sees nothing 
which he can behold but that which is under Roman 
sway." I think if Jupiter would try, he might now be 
able to see a few things not under Roman sway. In- 
deed, if he were to set out to look for something that 



152 RAPID RAMB LINOS IN EUROPE. 

was now under the sway of Rome, I fear he would find 
nothing but priests, dogs, and beggars. If any man 
wants evidence of God's displeasure against injustice 
and tyranny, let him visit Rome and see a poor donkey 
eating oats in a sarcophagus that once contained the 
body of an emperor; let him smell the stifling stench 
that rises on every hand; let him see the crumbling 
ruins of Csesar's palace; let him look at the broken 
columns of the old Forum and see the vast heaps of 
worthless rubbish that once was part of Nero's golden 
house; let him wander through the desolate arena of 
the old Coliseum and count the eighty-seven thousand 
vacant seats ; and then wander through the monasteries 
and the cemeteries and see the crumbling bones of 
people who laughed and shouted while naked Chris- 
tians were cruelly lashed through the Corso. If this 
does not satisfy him, let him take a stroll over the Pal- 
atine Hill and view the decaying relics of gorgeous 
palaces, costly villas, and ruined shrines ; let him stop 
amid all this chaotic rubbish and ask, " Where are 
the four millions of people who, two thousand years 
ago, lorded it over the world?" Echo will answer, 
" Where ?" " Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord ; I 
will repay." 

It is the opinion of the author that He has repaid 
fully as much as He promised. That ancient Rome 
was great, powerful, and rich, we admit, but she stole 
her wealth, and she achieved her greatness by fraud 
and oppression. If a neighboring nation grew rich by 
exercising economy and industry, Rome sent out her 
armies to crush and rob it. Titus conquered Jerusalem 



RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. 153 

and killed eleven hundred thousand Jews, and they 
say it was not a good day for killing Jews either. 
What mortal offence had these peaceful people com- 
mitted against Rome to justify their destruction ? They 
were industrious and frugal, they had hoarded up large 
quantities of gold. Rome, true to her plundering pro- 
clivities, concluded to reap a rich harvest by robbing 
them. Titus was despatched to Jerusalem to execute 
the job, and most completely did he do the work. He 
returned to Rome, bringing sixty thousand captive 
Jews, who were sold into slavery, while the vast amount 
of plundered gold was handed over to the public treas- 
ury. A grand triumph was accorded him. Well might 
they thus honor him, for he was their most successful 
robber. His grand triumphal arch stands here until 
this day, a gloomy relic of Roman despotism and 
injustice. 

Our libraries are crowded with historical froth and 
poetical ravings about the sky-splitting orators of 
ancient Greece and ancient Rome; our children are 
taught to believe that the world never has, nor never 
will, produce their equals. Now, to use a sporting 
man's phrase, "I want a new deal." We have had 
enough of this third-rate nonsense. America has pro- 
duced orators equal, if not superior, to those of Greece 
and Rome. Daniel Webster would have crushed De- 
mosthenes in short order on any question of debate 
that could have been mentioned; Charles Sumner 
would have vanquished Mark Antony with all ease ; 
Lamar would have put Cicero down at the first tilt ; 
Prentiss and Clay could have crushed half a dozen of 



154 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

their best orators ; and Patrick Henry could have sur- 
passed the whole Forum. This is my opinion, and I 
am in favor of trying to convince our children of its 
correctness, instead of cramming their brains with the 
false idea that Rome and Greece have produced all the 
great men that the world ever knew. 

It is fashionable for modern poets, novelists, and 
historians to exaggerate and write extravagant praises 
about Greek and Roman scholars, and our children are 
taught to believe that nothing is worthy of notice that 
does not imitate them. If I were under contract to 
furnish any quantity of vulgar nonsense, I would fur- 
nish Ovid's " Art of Love," and demand my receipt. 

We opened the campaign in Rome, on Wednesday 
morning, with an extensive carriage-ride through all 
her principal streets, in order that we might get the 
geographical features of the city and suburbs located 
in our minds. We were quite fortunate in our selec- 
tion of a local guide. We employed Mr. Neuhouser, 
who proved to be of invaluable service to us. He was 
perfectly informed as to the history of every object in 
Rome worthy of notice, and could tell it without 
fatiguing the audience with useless verbiage. 

We drove to the top of the Palatine Hill, where we 
were enabled to obtain an extensive and delightful 
view of the city and the surrounding country. The 
tortuous course of the little Tiber could be traced for a 
considerable distance. We crossed the Tiber on every 
bridge we could find, but we did* not weep because 
there were no more to cross. The famous Sublician 
Bridge on which Horatius performed such gallant 



RAPID RAMBL1NGS IN EUROPE. 155 

deeds in the brave days of old, has long since disap- 
peared ; but the place where it stood is there yet. I 
do not understand why so much should have been 
written about a little bridge across the Tiber. I am 
afraid that Porsena was not much of a general. Grant 
would have dug a canal and changed the course of the 
Tiber in three days, and marched his army dry-shod into 
the city on the Fourth of July ; " Stonewall" Jack- 
son would have crossed the Tiber on a pontoon bridge 
before breakfast. The Etruscan army were cowards 
anyway, else three men could not have held the bridge 
against them. We are told that Horatius cut the 
bridge down, then fell into the river, and swam out 
amid a tornado of Etruscan arrows. It was unneces- 
sary for him to have swam out, because he might have 
waded with all ease. 

One day I was travelling up the Rio Grande on a 
small steamboat. All of a sudden the cry of " Man 
overboard !" came ringing through the cabin. The 
passengers all rushed out to see the show. A tall, slim 
man was struggling and floundering about in the water. 
The captain and the pilot were convulsed with laugh- 
ter, and made no effort to save the man's life. 

" It is a burning shame," cried half a dozen ladies, 
" to let the poor man drown like a dog !" 

My blood boiled with indignation at the inhuman 
conduct of the officers. 

At length a couple of Texas desperadoes approached 
the captain with cocked revolvers, and said, — 

" If you let that man drown we will blow off the top 
of your head and toss you into the river." 



156 RAPID R AMBLINGS IX EUROPE. 

The captain seemed at once to realize the situation. 
Stepping close to the outer edge of the deck, he cried 
in a loud voice, — 

" Stand up ! stand up on your feet !" 

The man obeyed instructions, when, lo and behold ! 
the water did not come so high as to his hips. 

I think it was the most ludicrous exhibition I ever 
beheld. The man was about to drown in water only 
three feet deep. I believe he would have been 
drowned, if let alone. 

A loud shout of laughter rose from all the passengers, 
except the two desperadoes, who now wanted to shoot 
the unfortunate victim who had caused them to make 
fools of themselves. 

The Rio Grande is about the size of, and is very 
much like, the Tiber, therefore I conclude that Hora- 
tius could have waded out if he had tried. 

We met King Humbert while out airing himself 
Wednesday evening. He has quite a youthful appear- 
ance; but features and eyes bear the stamp of intellect 
and firmness. His form is rather slender, but straight 
and handsome. A heavy moustache adorns his upper 
lip ; no beard is on his chin. He is greatly beloved 
by his people, and my information leads me to believe 
he deserves their good will. It is my opinion that, if 
the Pope ever undertakes to re-establish his temporal 
authority in Italy, this young king will teach him a 
lesson that he will not soon forget. 

" What a pretty little marble summer-house," ex- 
claimed Effie, pointing toward a beautiful white edifice 
in front of which our carriage had stopped. 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 157 

" Well, I should like to know what on earth it is," 
dryly remarked Miss Stevenson. 

" It's Jupiter's bath-house/' said Dick, as a comical 
smile covered his face. 

" No ; you are wrong there, Dick/' replied Chitten- 
den ; " I think it is a telegraph-office." 

" You don't can tell what bees it/' returned Charley. 
"It bees de ticket-office of de Coliseum." 

" I guess it is a police-station/' said I, and I really 
thought it was. 

" That is the temple of Vesta/' said our guide, who 
had quietly listened to all our conjectures. "Yes, 
ladies and gentlemen," he continued, " that is the tem- 
ple of Vesta, built three thousand years ago. In the 
days when the pagan religion prevailed here, a per- 
petual fire was kept burning on the altar. It was 
watched over by the vestal virgins, who kept the fire 
continually burning day and night for a thousand years. 
No man was ever permitted to put his foot inside of the 
walls of the structure while that religion prevailed. 
All the ceremonies of sacrifice were performed by the 
vestal virgins. No one ever demanded money from 
them for anything they wanted, while kings and queens 
were glad to do them honor. Indeed, they enjoyed 
privileges that no other class of people were permitted 
to enjoy." 

The temple of Vesta is a charming edifice. It is 
constructed of pure white Italian marble, and looks as 
new as if built but ten years ago, notwithstanding the 
fact that it has been standing there three thousand 
years. 

14 



158 RAPID RAMBLTN08 IX EUROPE. 

I gazed at this curious old relic, I could not 
avoid asking myself, How many people have been born, 

- _:i the happy days of youth, entered the 

- _ rf manhood, grown old, died, been buried, and 
mouldered into dust since it was built? What cL _ 9 
has the world witnessed since its foundation was laid ! 
A S viour has been born, passed through youth, en- 
tered manhood, died on the cro— awe -inners. His 
religion has spread to all parts of the world, the pagan 

_ n has disappeared. M lomeisdead. Tel- 

egraphs, railr Is, stea - 1 "ephones have 

been invented. Mighty Greece is decaying ; Athens 
and Carthage are dying ; but the little marble temple 
of Vesta is still standing as it stood when mighty 
Rome was mistress of the world. 



CHAPTER XIV. 

At breakfast, on Thursday morning, the programme 
of the day was thoroughly discussed. Some wanted to 
go to Si Church, others to the Catacombs. 

After the expenditure of a considerable quant: 

---__-■ s, Mr. Xeuhouser settled the matter 
by requesting the party to tru-: : - judgment and 
experience, promising to show us all the sights of the 
city according to a plan which he had matured. This 
proposition was unanimously agreed to, and in the end 
it proved to be the b 

'•I will - S Church and the Vati- 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 159 

can this morning," said the guide, as we mounted the 
carriages and dashed away at a rapid speed. 

" Well, did you ever !" cried Effie, as we passed 
through the long circular colonnade that encloses six 
acres of ground in front of St. Peter's. 

" No, never," replied Miss Bell. 

" Hardly ever," rejoined Miss Stevenson. 

" I don't care if I never do," exclaimed Dick, as he 
looked up at the lofty dome. 

" That steeple seems to go through the sky," observed 
Miss Mollie Thacher. 

The first thing I did on entering the spacious door- 
way was to fall into a vast crowd of men, women, and 
children, all of whom seemed to be endeavoring to 
reach a certain point. I had no idea what they were 
after, but from the energetic manner in which they 
jostled and pushed one another, and from the anxious 
expression of their countenances, I concluded that there 
was something good in that direction, and that they 
were afraid it would all be eaten up before they got 
there. 

I thought that I might as well have a share of the 
good things as anybody else, so I joined the throng and 
pressed forward with all my strength. When, after 
much squeezing and jostling, I arrived near the grand 
object of attraction, I noticed that each person halted 
for a moment at a particular spot, dipped his head 
down, and appeared to be nibbling at something, and 
that his eyes were full of tears when he rose up. I 
thought of onions, horseradish, cayenne pepper, and 
other tear-producing articles. 



1G0 RAPID RAMBL1NQS IN EUROPE. 

The crowd was so dense that I could not exactly see 
what was going on. Having made up my mind to 
have a finger in the pie, I redoubled my efforts to wedge 
my body through the multitude. When I at length 
succeeded in reaching a point within five feet of the 
place where the people paused, I saw what I at first 
thought was a portly negro, but it was a dark-brown 
bronze statue of St. Peter in a sitting posture, clad in 
pontifical robes. He was on a pedestal about three feet 
above the floor, with his legs crossed, one foot resting 
on the base of the pedestal, while the other stood out 
in front. The main object of attraction was that black 
bronze foot, which everybody appeared eager to kiss. 
When it came my turn to kiss the foot, I did it by an 
agent, — a pretty girl performed that duty for me. At 
least half of this cast-iron foot has been worn away. 
The guide said that several toes had been worn off, and 
that new ones had been welded on. This would seem 
incredible, but it is not the lips of people that wear 
them off; it is the constant rubbing done with hand- 
kerchiefs by those who kiss the foot. A man will kiss 
it two or three times, slabber and weep over it, and 
then pass on. Next comes a lady who will rub it hard 
with her handkerchief, kiss it, and move on. Indeed, 
every one who kissed the toe first wiped it with a hand- 
kerchief. This is the process by which it has been 
worn away. 

After wandering round for an hour gazing at the in- 
numerable wonders to be seen in this vast edifice, I 
met Dick, whose face was twisted into an awful shape 
of comic ugliness. He was rubbing one eye with his 



RAPID EAMBLINOS IN EUROPE. 161 

handkerchief and pretending to be bitterly weeping. 
A stranger would have thought that he was sorely 
distressed. 

" What on earth is the matter now ?" inquired Miss 
Bell. 

" They — they — they have cut him in two," sobbed 
the comical weeper. 

" Cut who in two?" returned Miss Bell. 

"Why, they — they — they have gone and cut St. 
Peter's body into equal halves. I went to his tomb 
and shed all the tears I had to spare, then they told 
me that one-half of his body was buried at St. Paul's 
Church, two miles from town, and now I have no tears 
left for the other half. I think it's a glaring outrage 
to perpetrate such a fraud on a friendless orphan who 
has only one father and one mother." 

It is stated as a fact that the bodies of St. Peter and 
St. Paul are divided into two equal halves, a portion of 
each being buried here, while the other is entombed at 
St. Paul's Church, — a statement which we are forced to 
believe, as it is made by priestly lips. 

The tomb of St. Peter is located a short distance 
below the main floor of the church, which is reached 
by a broad flight of marble steps, ending.in a spacious 
court canopied with an elegantly- wrought bronze struc- 
ture, so gorgeously gilded as to give it the appearance 
of a solid mass of burnished gold. The sarcophagus 
containing half of Paul and Peter rests on a pedestal 
surrounded with lighted candles, which are constantly 
kept burning. I do not believe it would be an exag- 
geration to say that as many as ten thousand persons 
I 14* 



1(32 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

visited the tomb in two hours. Every nation on the 
earth seemed to be represented on that occasion. 

I was glad indeed to see that my favorite apostle 
had a good comfortable resting-place. I have admired 
Peter ever since he cut off the ear of that pagan slave 
Malchus, who was aiding and abetting the enemies of 
Christ. The truth is, Peter was brave and faithful. 
He was in favor of defending his beloved Master with 
his sword, and had he not been ordered to sheathe it, he 
would have made some of the enemies bite the dust. 
How does his conduct compare with that of the other 
apostles? When the high priest and his posse ap- 
peared, every one of the disciples fled from the field 
except Peter. When his Master was led as a prisoner 
to the house of the high priest he followed, evidently 
watching for an opportunity to rescue him. His con- 
duct after Christ w r as crucified did more toward estab- 
lishing the true religion than that of any other apostle. 
And when he was led out to die on the cross at Rome 
he requested his executioners to crucify him head 
downward, declaring that he was not worthy to die in 
the same position as that in which his beloved Master 
had died. His request was granted, and he was ac- 
cordingly nailed to the cross with his head toward the 
ground. 

There are two small short-linked chains preserved 
in a gilded box here, said to be the identical ones with 
which Peter was manacled while imprisoned by Herod : 
"And when Herod would have brought him forth, 
Peter was sleeping between two soldiers, bound with 
two chains : and the keepers before the door kept the 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 163 

prison. And, behold, the angel of the Lord came upon 
him, and a light shined in the prison : and he smote 
Peter on the side, and raised him np, saying, Arise up 
quickly. And his chains fell off from his hands" (Acts 
xii. 6, 7). Now, if I have not seen those identical 
chains, a deception has been practised upon me. It is 
alleged that if the ends of those two chains are per- 
mitted to touch each other they will at once grow so 
firmly together that nothing but a blacksmith's chisel 
and sledge can part them. I offered a dollar to see the 
experiment tested, but was told to call at a more con- 
venient time, they were not exhibiting that part of the 
show that day. A piece of the true cross, a part of the 
crown of thorns, and a handkerchief containing the 
imprint of the Saviour's face are exhibited here occa- 
sionally. 

I was not thrown into ecstasies by the sight of St. 
Peter's Church, nor in any manner discomposed by its 
magnitude and grandeur; indeed, my pulse went on 
with its quiet throbbing as usual. If, with the naked 
eye, the top could not be seen from the floor, I looked 
through my field-glass (not the glass I lost in New 
York, but one I bought in London) ; and if my vision 
could not reach from one side to the other, I went to 
the other side. By this wise plan, I managed to inspect 
everything worthy of notice. 

The distance from the floor to the top of the cross is 
four hundred and forty-eight feet ; the colossal col- 
umns that support the dome measure two hundred and 
fifty-three feet in circumference ; the length of the base 
of the church is six hundred and thirteen and one-half 



1(34 RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. 

feet. This vast pile was not completely finished until 
the end of five hundred years after the laying of the 
foundation, and it costs about three hundred thousand 
dollars annually to keep it repaired. Three hundred 
and fifty laborers are constantly employed to work on 
it. The dome is reached by a broad spiral stairway of 
easy grade, up which a loaded donkey might go with- 
out difficulty. 

At the top of the main building there is quite a 
thriving village, containing a considerable number of 
inhabitants, who, with their families, make their homes 
there. I did not learn the exact number of the popu- 
lation, but I have seen smaller towns that boasted of 
their mayors and their boards of aldermen. The 
little town is supplied with water by pipes which pass 
through all the houses. Men, women, and children 
cook, eat, sleep, and dwell up there after the same 
fashion as do people who dwell on the earth. The 
inhabitants of this aerial village are snugly quartered 
among the numerous small cupolas and side-aisles. 

A streak of good luck seemed to have attached itself 
to us as soon as we put foot on Italian soil. At Genoa 
we enjoyed the sights and pleasures attending St. John's 
fete, and here we had the good fortune to participate 
in that of St. Peter's. All the stores and shops were 
closed ; the inhabitants thronged the streets clad in 
their Sunday clothes, all apparently bent on having a 
gay time. Fifty men blew and sawed on fifty musical 
instruments in the church, while a hundred and fifty 
human voices filled the vast hall with a hurricane of 
sweet sounds. 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 165 

" Well," exclaimed Miss Stevenson, " I am fond of 
good music, but I don't like a musical tornado." 

" It would be delightful to listen to that music from 
a point seventy-five miles off/' replied Efiie. 

"Til tell you what's a fact," said Miss Bell. 
"From my knowledge of St. Peter's character, I 
don't believe he would sanction all this parade and 
show. He would not approve of the plan of taking 
money from the poor, to squander on useless orna- 
ments." 

" Not having been personally acquainted with him," 
observed Dick, "I am not prepared to venture an 
opinion upon that subject." 

From the dome of St. Peter's one may enjoy the 
grandest sight to be seen on the Continent. The broad- 
spreading campagna, with its thousands of ruined villas, 
broken columns, crumbling monuments, and decaying 
relics of ancient grandeur, lies bathed in a glittering 
sea of yellow sunlight, while the blue outlines of the 
Apennine and Sabine Mountains rise up in the dis- 
tance like huge ocean-waves. The zigzag course of 
the little Tiber may be distinctly traced as it sluggishly 
creeps along among vineyards, orange-groves, and de- 
serted villas, and finally mingles with the waters of the 
sea. The campagna is one vast arena of desolation, — 
a melancholy desert, in whose bosom repose the bones 
of ancient heroes and kings. The ground is thickly 
dotted with broken aqueducts, fallen walls, dismantled 
tombs, prostrate columns, and all sorts of costly works 
of art fast crumbling to dust. 

The entire length of the old wall that encircled the 



1(36 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

ancient city of Rome can be distinctly traced from the 
dome of St. Peter's. The wall in many places stands 
whole and unbroken. It is built of bricks of a dark- 
red color, so completely cemented together that nothing 
short of a chisel and sledge-hammer could separate 
them. The average height of the wall is about fifty 
feet, and it seems to be fifteen to twenty feet thick, 
with tall towers rising high above the top at short 
distances from one another. 

By the aid of my field-glass I could get a perfect 
view of modern Rome, as well as of the standing relics 
of the ancient city. The old Coliseum, the Forum, 
the Pantheon, the Arch of Septimus and the Arch of 
Titus, Caracalla's Bath, Trajan's Column, the Tri- 
umphal Arch of Antoninus, the grand obelisk brought 
from Heliopolis by Augustus, the Corso, the Tarpean 
Rock, the Arch of Constantine, the Appian Way, all 
the Tiber bridges, and hundreds of other interesting 
objects, could be distinctly seen from this lofty point. 

After having satisfied our curiosity concerning St. 
Peter's Church, we visited the Vatican, which has 
lately been extended so as to connect with the church. 
Since these two colossal structures have been merged into 
one, they doubtless constitute the largest building on the 
globe. Our guide said that a walk of two miles would 
be required to go round on the outside of them, — a state- 
ment the truth of which I am not disposed to doubt. 

At the main entrance to the Vatican we encountered 
the famous company of Swiss guards, clad in their pic- 
turesque uniform, containing more different colors than 
Joseph's fancy coat. 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. IQ>J 

" Mr. Neuhouser," said Miss Nellie Thacher, " you 
must not fail to show us the celebrated Dying Gladi- 
ator." 

" I expect he is dead by this time/' replied Dick. 
" He was mortally wounded two thousand years ago, 
and certainly he has expired before now." 

But Dick was mistaken in his conjecture, for we 
found the Gladiator still trying to give up the ghost. 
The truth is, the image did not present to my mind 
the appearance of a dying man ; he looked more like a 
schoolboy playing marbles than anything else. The 
statue is made of pure white marble, and the blood, 
about which poets and sentimentalists have done so 
much useless raving, is nothing but half a dozen small 
ridges carved in the white marble. The gaping wound 
that has chilled the heart of so many humanitarians is 
nothing more than a little indentation on the surface, 
which by an extraordinary stretch of the fancy might 
be converted into a slight sabre-wound. As regards 
the wonderful expression of dying agony, about which 
so much ink has been wasted, it may be set down as 
wholly imaginary. 

I would advise tourists never to examine the paint- 
ings that adorn the walls and the ceiling of the Sistine 
Chapel until they are ready to leave Italy, because 
after seeing them all the rest will appear insignificant 
and worthless. Here may be seen the very best works 
of Michael Angelo, done when he was in the zenith of 
his illustrious career. The fresco of the Last Judg- 
ment, which adorns the end wall, is unquestionably the 
finest work to be found in Rome. Hideous devils 



168 RAPID RAM B LINGS IN EUROPE. 

with flaming weapons are driving the souls of the 
damned down to hell and transporting them across the 
Styx on Charon's Ferry. Just above the group of in- 
fernal demons sits the Saviour, in the act of judging 
the world, while angels are sounding the last trumpet, 
and immediately to the left the dead are coming forth 
from their graves to hear their final doom. Michael 
Angelo worked on this famous picture constantly for 
seven years, and finished it in 1541. Notwithstanding 
it is three hundred and forty-two years old, the colors 
look bright and fresh. If this great artist had never 
painted another picture, his fame would have had a 
substantial foundation on which it might forever rest. 
Miss Mollie Thacher and Mrs. Greeno, whose judg- 
ment I consider first-class, declared that the paintings 
on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel were better than 
the Last Judgment, but the latter suited my taste better 
than the former. 

There are thousands of other good pictures in the 
Vatican, but after leaving the chapel I had no desire 
to examine any of them. I did not want to crowd my 
memory away from the Last Judgment. 

Six months would scarcely afford sufficient time to 
investigate all the curious relics contained in the Vati- 
can. Some idea of its immense size may be formed 
when we know that it contains eleven thousand halls. 
The Museum of Sculpture contains eighteen hundred 
specimens. We saw a most beautiful porphyry sar- 
cophagus, which contains the body of the Empress He- 
lena, the mother of the Emperor Constantine; also 
another, in which repose the remains of Constantina, 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 1(J9 

the emperor's daughter. A large and beautiful vase, in 
which Prince Napoleon was baptized, was shown to us. 
It was presented to the Pope by Napoleon III. 

Dick declared that he would consent to become a 
Christian if they would baptize him in a vase like 
that one. 

" It would take more water to wash away your sins 
than that vase would hold," remarked Miss Bell. 

" They might find enough in the Po, but not in the 
Tiber, to purify you." 

" They could not find a straight stretch in the Tiber 
long enough to cover his tall form," said Miss Ste- 
venson. 

" Dick, it is the opinion of the court you should go 
to the foot of the class," said the Judge. 

" I obey your Honor's orders with pleasure," replied 
Dick, "because it places me by the side of the col- 
onel." 

When any member of the party advanced a new 
idea or made any discovery worthy of notice, he or she 
was honored with a position at the head of the class ; 
and when, on the other hand, they did a foolish thing, 
advanced an absurd idea, or got the worst of a joke, 
they were ordered to go foot. The judge's decision 
in such cases was final and conclusive. This scheme 
originated among the ladies, and often furnished a good 
supply of innocent amusement. 

Adjoining the Vatican may be seen the Pope's gar- 
dens, where in fine weather he airs himself by strolling 
through charming, shady walks, lined with fragrant 
flowers and nicely-trimmed shrubbery. I managed, 
h 15 



170 RAPID RAM B LINGS IN EUROPE. 

by the help of an influential friend, to get to see the 
Pope's carriages, which are as gorgeous and as costly 
as any owned by the crowned heads of Europe. 

From the Vatican we went to Marcellus's Circus, 
which appears to be in a good state of preservation. It 
was built over two thousand years ago. It is now full 
of donkeys, beggars, and other rubbish of a like sort. 
I saw a donkey eating oats in -a sarcophagus which 
probably once held the body of an emperor. I think 
it is better employed now. 

We were so fortunate as to obtain permission to ex- 
amine Humbert's palace, — a privilege granted to visit- 
ors only during the king's absence. A large number 
of tourists availed themselves of this opportunity, and 
accompanied our party, swelling the brigade up to a 
respectable-sized army. The throne-room was gor- 
geously decorated with pictures and mirrors framed in 
solid gold, while the entire ceiling looked like a sea of 
sparkling gems. On a raised platform at one end of 
the room stood the throne, blazing with precious jewels. 
Taking my seat on it, I thus addressed the brigade : 

" In the name and by the authority of the United 
States of America we ascend the Italian throne, and 
do hereby command our loyal subjects to take notice 
thereof and govern themselves accordingly. It is our 
royal pleasure that Esquire Humbert shall take the 
oath of allegiance to the American eagle, whose broad 
wings shall protect him from harm, and that our much- 
loved friend, S. O. Thacher, who is hereby created 
Earl of Kansas, shall be charged with the execution 
of this order. All the other male members of the 



RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. 171 

brigade are hereby created dukes, and all the ladies are 
respectfully requested to consider themselves first-class 
duchesses." 

Now, I am sure no monarch was ever greeted with 
such unanimous demonstrations of homage as were 
manifested for me on that occasion. 

While the performance was becoming intensely in- 
teresting, a half-witted scullion made his appearance at 
the door, and in an excited manner jabbered a few 
words, which I, of course, did not understand. 

" What saith yonder slave ?" I demanded, in an im- 
perious tone. 

" Him say dot no one be allowed to sit on de throne," 
replied Charley. 

Then, rising to my feet, and pointing my finger at 
the intruder, I said, — 

" Thou art a traitor ! Off with his head ! Now, by 
St. Paul, I swear I will not dine until I see the same. 
The Duke of Scranton will see it done !" 

Charley repeated my words to the fellow, adding the 
statement that King Humbert had abdicated, and that 
the lawful king of Italy was then on the throne. 

The Duke of Scranton then moved toward the booby 
as if he was going to seize him, when he beat a hasty 
retreat. I was informed that he went into the streets 
frightened half to death, proclaiming the fact that 
a new king was on the throne, that Humbert had 
abdicated, and was a fugitive to parts unknown. 
Strange and absurd as it may appear, there were a few 
fools who believed the report, which reminded me of 
an occurrence that transpired in 1875 near my home. 



172 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

A party of government engineers clad in United States 
army uniform were making a survey through the 
country. At several different points they hoisted little 
flags on the top of the tallest trees. 

" What is the meaning of these flags?" cried a coun- 
tryman, who hurried into my office panting with 
excitement. 

" Why, is it possible that you don't know that Gen- 
eral Grant has sold out the government to England, 
and that the British are now taking formal possession 
of the country ?" I replied, looking as serious as 
possible. 

The language used by that individual on that occa- 
sion would not sound well to refined ears, but it is a 
fact that every tree supporting a flag in the county was 
cut down in less than twenty-four hours. 

I do not think that the engineers ever suspicioned 
the cause that prompted the mischief. 



CHAPTER XV. 

Late on Thursday evening we visited the old Lat- 
eran Palace, the former residence of the Popes, but now 
used as a museum. It is filled with pagan relics and 
Christian art Many interesting objects found in the 
Catacombs are on exhibition here. 

Near this museum is the building containing the 
Scala Sancta (" Sacred Stairs"), said to be those up 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 173 

which the Saviour was led to Pilate's judgment-seat. 
They were brought here from Jerusalem. They are 
twenty-eight broad, white-marble steps, ten feet in 
length, eighteen inches broad, the rise being five inches 
from one step to another. They were originally about 
four inches thick, but the edges are worn down to a 
mere shell hardly an inch thick. They are now cov- 
ered with wooden slats, in order to protect them from 
further wear. Visitors are not permitted to walk up 
these stairs on their feet, but may go up on their knees. 
I saw a dozen women thus climbing up, — a task by no 
means easy to perform, and judging from the expres- 
sion of their features, I concluded that no little suffer- 
ing was caused by the operation. I went up by proxy, 
Mr. Chittenden generously consenting to act in my be- 
half, as well as for himself. If the skin was not peeled 
off of his knees, I am sure they must be very tough. 
There are two small, round holes about two inches in 
diameter, covered with thick glass, in which may be 
seen a dark-red stain said to be drops of Christ's blood 
which fell from his temples as he came down the steps 
with the crown of thorns on his head. Every lady 
who ascended the steps while I was there knelt down, 
kissed these spots, and moistened them with her tears. 
It is said that at the head of these stairs stood the prae- 
torian hall, where the soldiers plaited the crown of 
thorns and placed it on the Saviour's head : " And the 
soldiers led him away into the hall, called Prsetorium ; 
and they called together the whole band. And they 
clothed him with purple, and platted a crown of thorns, 
and put it about his head. And they smote him on the 

15* 



174 RAPID RAMB LINOS IN EUROPE. 

head with a reed, and did spit upon him, and bowing 
their knees worshipped him." (Mark xv. 16, 17, 19.) 
Then Christ was led down those steps, and as he walked 
down, the blood, trickling from his wounds, fell on 
them. 

There are two other flights of stairs leading up by 
the side of the Scala Sancta, on which visitors are 
allowed to w r alk. 

Martin Luther undertook the ascent of the Sacred 
Stairs on his knees, but when halfway up, he rose, and 
deliberately walked down. His friends excuse the ir- 
reverence by alleging that while going up he happened 
to think of the text, "The just shall live by faith," 
which caused him to walk on his feet, instead of on his 
knees. I have squandered several hours trying to find 
out what that particular text had to do with Scala 
Sancta. Could he not as well live by faith on his 
knees as on his feet? I suppose he concluded that 
crawling up those hard steps on his knees was not a 
good way to make a living. For my part, I would 
much rather live by faith than live with my knees on 
those unyielding marble slabs. The fact is, Mr. Lu- 
ther's knees began to hurt; it was a bigger job than he 
had contracted for. The only thing I blame him for 
is that he did not explain wherein the text was appli- 
cable to the case. 

From Scala Sancta we went to St. John Lateran. 
This is the church where the Popes are crowned ; it 
was built sixteen hundred years ago. Among the relics 
preserved here is a small portion of the manger in 
which Christ was born, and the seamless coat made for 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. I75 

the Saviour by the Virgin, Aaron's rod, Moses' rod, 
and the linen cloth with which Christ wiped the feet 
of his apostles, the top of the table on which he and 
his disciples partook of the Last Supper, four bronze 
columns brought from Solomon's temple at Jerusalem 
by Titus. 

" This," said our guide, placing his hand on a little 
square marble table, " is the identical slab on which 
the Jews played the game of dice for Christ's clothes." 

" And when they had crucified him, they parted his 
garments, casting lots upon them, what every man should 
take." (Mark xv. 24). 

" Yes," said Dick, " and they have been engaged in 
the clothing business ever since that day." 

In the basilica of Santa Croce may be seen a small 
wooden panel which was brought from Jerusalem by 
Helena when she found the cross. It is said to be the 
board containing the " title" which Pilate placed on the 
cross while Christ was suspended on it. 

Early on Friday morning we drove out to the Cata- 
combs, travelling for a distance of two miles along the 
Appian Way. This famous road derives its name from 
Appius Claudius, who built it three hundred and twelve 
years before the birth of Christ. The main trunk is 
five hundred miles in length, and at one time it had 
branches extending to all parts of the Roman empire. 
This stupendous work was entitled to a prominent 
place among the wonders of the world. Mountains 
and hills were cut down, creeks and rivers were 
spanned by costly stone bridges. The road-bed was 
paved with huge blocks of solid stone. On each side 



176 RAPID RAMBLINOS IN EUROPE. 

were constructed beautiful broad avenues, shaded with 
four rows of lofty trees of uniform height and size. 
Notwithstanding the fact that over two thousand years 
have elapsed since it was built, many parts of this road 
are now as good and as perfect as when it was first 
constructed. 

For many centuries all traces of the Appian Way 
lay concealed beneath the surface of the earth. About 
thirty years ago the government undertook the diffi- 
cult task of excavating it, which task has been to a 
great extent finished, and the road is now used as a 
public highway, under the name of "Via Appia 
Nova." It crosses the line of the railroad eleven 
miles from Home, as you go toward Naples. This is 
the road on which St. Paul marched when he entered 
Rome as a Christian prisoner. 

When we arrived at the entrance to the Catacombs, 
we were furnished with small wax tapers, which we 
were instructed to light before going in, and were also 
advised to be careful not to drop them or to let them 
be extinguished. It required no great degree of pene- 
tration to convince one of the wisdom of this advice, 
because if a man were to be left in this subterranean 
city without a light or a guide, he would never again 
behold the sun. We first descended a steep flight of 
spiral stairs for a distance of fifty feet, going down in 
single file, with one guide in front, each one holding a 
lighted taper. At length we struck a smooth-paved 
floor, and proceeded two or three hundred yards along 
a narrow aisle, not over four feet wide, the walls of 
which were full of long narrow niches, one above an- 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 177 

other, like the shelving of a dry-goods store. Some of 
the niches contained human bones, which crumbled 
into dust when touched. Every now and then we 
would come to a snug little chapel cut out of the solid 
rock, in which were seats and a little altar, above 
which were images of the Saviour and the Madonna. 
The aisles crossed and re-crossed one another at right 
angles, some straight and some crooked. In ten min- 
utes after we entered I was so completely bewildered 
that I could scarcely tell whether we were going from 
or returning to the entrance. 

The guide said there were over seven hundred miles 
of aisles in the Catacombs. A man might be set down 
in the centre of a city containing seven hundred miles 
of streets and instructed to go to a certain named point, 
and he would be sure to go to every other point but 
the right one. Then what would a man do if left 
alone in this dark underground city ? If I were to be 
caught in such a predicament, I would crawl into one 
of those niches and wait for my bones to dry. 

The Catacombs were built by the early Christians, 
who not only buried their dead there, but sought safety 
there from pagan persecution. It is said that St. Paul 
and St. Peter both preached to their congregations in 
those little chapels. Large numbers of Christians 
lived in this dismal city for years, working in their 
shops as artisans, making salable articles, which were 
secretly conveyed to their friends in the city, who sold 
them, and with the proceeds bought food and clothing, 
which were conveyed to the underground workmen. 

There are several points where the avenues approach 



178 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

the surface of the earth ; these openings are protected 
by iron bars. The guide informed us that when the 
Christians occupied the Catacombs these openings were 
covered by houses in which their friends dwelt, by 
which means they were enabled to communicate with 
one another. I experienced a feeling of delightful re- 
lief when we returned to the upper world. Near the 
Appian Way, as we returned from the Catacombs, we 
stopped to inspect the little church of Santa Maria. 
There is nothing about the construction of this edifice 
worthy of notice, but an incident which is said to have 
transpired here lent a double interest to the spot. 
This is the place where St. Peter, while flying from 
Rome to escape death, met Christ in the road. 

" Whither goest thou, O Lord ?" cried Peter. 

" I go to be crucified again," was the Saviour's reply. 

The apostle being thus rebuked, immediately re- 
turned to the city, and suffered martyrdom by cruci- 
fixion. 

There is a curious light-gray stone exhibited to 
visitors, on which plainly appears the likeness of a 
human foot, said to have been made by the Saviour. 
The print of the heel and that of the toes are deeply 
imbedded, while the middle of the foot can scarcely be 
seen ; which indicates the fact that the foot had a deep 
hollow. The size and length of the track showed that 
it was made by a small foot, such as would be per- 
fectly comfortable in a number seven boot. If this 
track was not made by the Saviour, I am sure it was 
not my fault. I only tell the story as it was retailed 
to me by men who profess to be true Christians. I 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 179 

make it a rule to believe everything told me by Italian 
priests, whose fame for veracity is coextensive with 
civilization and every good institution known to man. 

" While my mind is on St. Peter," said Dick, " I 
don't wish to encumber it with common things ; there- 
fore I venture to suggest the propriety of investigating 
the rest of his career in Rome. I will not consent to 
look upon anything else until I have seen the Mamer- 
tine Prison." 

The party unanimously endorsed his proposition, 
and away we went to the world-renowned prison. 
We first passed into a large, gloomy stone building, 
and after walking through several empty halls, the 
walls of which were dingy with age, we descended a 
long flight of stone steps, which landed us on the 
stone floor of a spacious room about fifteen feet below 
the surface of the earth. Here, in the floor, we saw a 
little round hole, about two feet in circumference. 
This, when St. Peter and St. Paul were imprisoned 
here, was the only entrance to the dungeon, but a low, 
narrow door-way has been cut on the side, which is 
reached by another short flight of stone steps. Pass- 
ing down these steps, we found ourselves in the dismal 
dungeon where the apostles were incarcerated after the 
sentence of death had been pronounced upon them. 
No prisoners are ever confined here until after con- 
demnation and sentence of death. Tradition tells us 
that both Peter and Paul were confined here about the 
same time, but the best authorities prove that Paul 
was executed some time before Peter. 

The floor of the prison is perhaps twenty feet below 



180 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

the surface of the earth, and its walls are composed of 
huge blocks of stone. The cell is of a circular shape, 
and the ceiling, which is vaulted with dark-gray stone, 
is only six feet above the floor. Prisoners were let 
down into the cell through the little round hole at the 
top, and their food was thrust down through the same 
aperture. A trap-door covered the opening so that 
no particle of light could enter the dungeon. Beneath 
the floor of the prison there is a pool or well of pure, 
cold water, which rises nearly up to the surface. 

It is said that forty other prisoners w 7 ere confined 
here with St. Peter, who under his preaching were 
converted and wished to be baptized by him. They 
all knelt down and prayed fervently to God for per- 
mission to receive baptism at the hands of His apostle. 
When they rose up, Peter struck the rock with the 
palm of his hand, and a large pool of water instantly 
appeared, in which all the converts w r ere baptized. 
The best evidence of the truth of this story is the ex- 
istence of the pool, which is there even until this day. 
I have drank water from it, and it is pure and cold. 

The length of time the apostle was confined here is 
not known, but we do know that a man could live in 
such a den but a short while. Persons condemned to 
death by the Roman law were usually executed very 
soon after sentence. 

" Well," said Effie, as we emerged from the Egyp- 
tian darkness of the dungeon, and met the cheerful 
rays of the sun at the outer door, " they w T ould not 
have to cut off my head if they were to confine me in 
that horrid place. I would die in ten hours." 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 181 

" Since I have seen it," replied Miss Bell, " the mere 
pronouncing of the sentence of imprisonment against 
me would put an end to my illustrious career." 

We went direct from the Mamertine Prison to the 
pretty little chapel, located on the crest of a lofty hill, 
which marks the spot where St. Peter was crucified. 
The charming little edifice contains an ornamented 
altar, above which is an image of the apostle on the 
cross, with his head downward. Immediately in front 
of the altar stands a hollow tube ten inches in diame- 
ter, the upper end of which extends three feet above 
the ground, while the other is sunk a considerable dis- 
tance below the surface. A barefooted monk un- 
locked the door, conducted us into the chapel, and 
with a small hollow reed thrust down through the tube, 
brought up a spoonful of sand. Handing it to me, 
he said, — 

' " This sand is stained with the blood of the martyred 
saint." 

He continued to bring up a spoonful at a time until 
all were supplied with their quota of the precious sand. 
I dare say that many a ton of it has been dipped out 
and sold that has been put there by him. The sand 
was moist and red, which he assured me was caused 
by Peter's blood ; and he said that no matter how 
much he took out, the supply was not at all diminished. 
My faith in monks and priests is growing stronger 
every day. 

Leaving the chapel, we drove to the church which 
tradition says is built on the spot formerly occupied by 
St. Paul's rented house, in which he lived two years. 

16 



182 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

We were conducted down a narrow staircase to a suite 
of rooms, consisting of three, in which, it is said, St. 
Paul wrote many of his Epistles. Here, also, St. Luke 
is said to have written the Acts of the Apostles. 

Pre-eminent among all the old relics of ancient 
grandeur is the old Roman Forum, which we visited 
after leaving St. Paul's " hired house." Innumerable 
broken columns, falling arches, and crumbling porticos 
mark the spot where once stood the famous edifice. 
The white marble floor, most of which is yet in a per- 
fect state of preservation, is now at least fifteen feet 
below the surface of the earth. Two thousand years 
ago it stood eight feet above the ground, and was 
entered by broad marble steps. I suppose the accu- 
mulation of earth resulted from the rubbish of falling 
houses that surrounded the Forum. You descend to 
the marble floor by a flight of wooden steps lately put 
there for the accommodation of visitors. 

There is nothing to be seen in Rome that so quickly 
sets one's imagination to wandering as does a sight of 
the decaying remains of the old Forum. I felt an in- 
clination to — and did for awhile — separate myself from 
the other members of the party in order that I might 
give free rein to my fancy. Taking a seat on one of 
the old broken columns, where I could survey the 
mournful desolation by which I was surrounded, I 
permitted my thoughts to run thusly : 

" What tumultuous uproar is this that comes thun- 
dering upon my ears?" 

"It is Titus entering the city in triumph with sixty 
thousand captive Jews." 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 183 

"What eloquent orator is that declaiming from 
yonder rostrum ?" 

" That is Cicero denouncing Catiline and his co-con- 
spirators." 

" What furious mob is that coming in this direction 
like a swift-flying tornado ?" 

"That is Mark Antony and his friends on their 
way to the house of Brutus." 

" What are they going there for ?" 

" To kill him and to burn his house because he 
stabbed Csesar." 

"Where are those eighty thousand excited men, 
women, and children hurrying to ?" 

" They are going to see the grandest show ever ex- 
hibited." 

" What sort of a show is it?" 

" Oh, it is a fair fight at the Coliseum between a 
hundred Christians and a hundred tigers ; they are all 
to be turned into the arena at once." 

" Are the Christians supplied with weapons with 
which to defend themselves ?" 

" Oh, no, not at all ; that would spoil all the fun, 
you know. If the Christians were furnished with 
arms they would kill the tigers. The sport consists in 
seeing the tigers slaughter the Christians and lap up 
the blood." 

" Whither goes yonder small crowd of men ?" 

" They are going out to see a poor old Christian 
nailed on the cross with his head down. I believe they 
call him Peter." 

" What crime has he committed ?" 



134 RAPID RAMBLWGS IN EUROPE. 

" Oh, he lias been slandering Venus and Mars. 
He said that they had no power to help mankind ; that 
there was only one God, and that he would not wor- 
ship any other. He boldly denounced the priests, and 
said that the burning of cattle and of sheep on the 
altars was worse than low, meddling nonsense ! This 
was an insult to the gods which could not be forgiven. 
He requested to be crucified heels heavenward, and 
they have granted him that request. This old Chris- 
tian says he has seen and talked with a God who could 
overthrow all the gods by blowing his breath on 
them." 

" Well, tell me the meaning of that crowd following 
that tall, gray-haired man yonder?" 

" That is another one of those bold men going out 
to have his head chopped off; they call him Paul. He 
threw defiance and insult into the emperor's teeth. 
He is a fine orator, and would have made an ex- 
cellent lawyer if he had studied that profession. I 
believe he would convert the people to his faith with 
his persuasive eloquence if let alone. He has been 
preaching here over two years, and he has caused the 
gods to be viewed with contempt by a large number of 
people; indeed, his influence was about to produce a 
revolution, and the emperor was forced to have him. 
arrested in order to stop it. He and Peter have been 
teaching the same one-God theory. They both told 
the same tale about having seen and conversed with 
their God, and they have succeeded in making at least 
three hundred thousand people believe their doctrine." 

" What tall, beautiful edifice is that standing near 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 185 

the river yonder, with a round body like a globe and 
hundreds of colossal columns supporting the immense 
portico ?" 

" That is the Pantheon, where are placed the statues 
of all the gods and goddesses. You ought just to see 
the inside of that building; it surpasses anything on 
the globe in the way of gorgeous beauty and architec- 
tural finish. That temple was dedicated to Mars, and 
is one hundred and fifty feet high. The statue of Mars 
is made of solid gold, so is that of Venus. The others 
are of bronze and marble. The length of that portico 
is one hundred and ten feet ; it is forty-four feet deep, 
and those huge columns are made of slabs of Oriental 
granite forty- two feet long, and every one consists of a 
single piece. This wonderful temple was built by 
Agrippa. You will observe one curious feature con- 
nected with that grandest of all buildings; it has no 
windows whatever. The light is introduced by means 
of a circular opening in the dome. Sometimes the 
Tiber rises very high, then the basement is overflowed 
by the water to a great depth." 

"I see a vast multitude* 1 of people rapidly moving 
along toward yon immense circular-shaped building ; 
what is the meaning of it ?" 

" Oh, they are merely going to the circus to see the 
chariot-races. That is the circus of Maxim us, a place 
capable of seating one hundred and fifty thousand 
people. I dare say it will be full to-day, because some 
of the crack teams and champion drivers are booked 
for this occasion. The emperor was buying pools 
heavily yesterday ; indeed, everybody is wild with ex- 

16* 



186 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

citement. The contest lies between eight teams that 
have never been defeated, one of which belongs to the 
emperor, and on which it is believed he has bet over a 
million scudi. I should not like to be the driver of 
that team, because if he doesn't win the race the em- 
peror is sure to have his head chopped off." 

" How niany rounds do they run ?" 

" Sixteen to-day, though twelve is the usual number. 
That circus stands on the very identical spot where the 
Romans seized the Sabine women. -All the young 
ladies had been especially invited to witness the per- 
formance, and just as the show closed every man cap- 
tured a girl and carried her by force to his house." 

The above-mentioned thoughts constitute a very 
small portion of the same sort that came trooping 
across the upper floor of my fancy-castle. The truth 
must be told if the heavens fall. I had leaned back 
against an old standing arch and dozed comfortably 
away into dreamland. 

I was suddenly brought back to the prosy realities 
of life by the voice of Dick, who stood on a marble 
rostrum above me, while the other members of the 
party were arranged in a semicircle before me. 

" Friends, Romans, countrymen," cried Dick, " hear 
me for my cause, and be silent that ye may hear. 
Black-faced treason is on the rampage; the glorious 
Roman eagle, whose wings have often skimmed the sea 
and scraped the sky, is now threatened with assassina- 
tion. That eagle whose broad-spreading pinions have 
overshadowed the world, dimmed the rays of the sun, 
and put out the moon is now in danger of destruction. 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 187 

Yes, my countrymen, this proud bird is threatened 
with death from a source where he had a right to ex- 
pect protection. A foul conspiracy has been planned 
for his destruction by an accursed class of hell-deserv- 
ing traitors, led and headed by a grand arch-demon. 
I am here, my countrymen, to scotch this poisonous 
reptile, to defeat the aim of this foul, deformed, soul- 
less monster. I come here for the purpose of publicly 
denouncing this double-faced traitor. Who is the mis- 
erable wretch that heads this foul, this matricidal plot?" 

Then Dick paused for a moment, twisting his comical 
features into a sarcastic grin, while unutterable contempt 
and loathing seemed to mask his face and eyes. Point- 
ing his long, slim finger at me, he hissed through his 
clinched teeth, — 

" As Nathan said unto David, thou art the man, I 
say unto you, my countrymen, there is Catiline leaning 
against that old arch there, pretending to be asleep, 
while he is planning the destruction of the Roman 
eagle." 

Uproarious laughter and loud clapping of hands 
greeted Dick as he sprang down to receive the con- 
gratulations of the party. 

" The Court decides that Dick shall at once take his 
place at the head of the class," said the Judge, " and 
that the colonel shall go to the foot." 

Dick's famous speech was delivered from the very 
spot where Cicero pronounced his scathing oration 
against Catiline, and I am satisfied the eloquence of 
the great Roman orator would have been stale and flat 
compared with that of Dick's. 



188 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

" Come !" said Charley ; " dis bees all dem stuff, no 
better dan simplicity, nohow. We better had go see 
St. de Paul's Church nor bees acting no 'count non- 
sense here." 

I thought this a sensible suggestion, though awk- 
wardly expressed, therefore requested the ladies to take 
seats in the carriages, and off we went, dashing over the 
smooth pavements of the Appian Way toward St. 
Paul's Church. This splendid edifice is two miles 
from the outer walls of Rome. There is nothing re- 
markably grand or interesting about it, only it con- 
tains half of the body of St. Peter and half of that 
of St. Paul. After having paid the tribute of our 
tears to that portion of their bodies preserved in St. 
Peter's Church, we begged them to excuse us, as we 
had no supply of tears on hand to bestow on those 
fragments in St. Paul's. They very kindly consented 
to excuse us. 

As we entered the door of St. Paul's Church I was 
considerably startled — or, more accurately speaking, 
frightened — by a man who shook in my face a little 
square wooden box, which emitted a strange clattering 
noise. I started to run, believing, as I did, that the 
man was trying to blow me up with an infernal ma- 
chine, but Dick caught my arm and said, — 

"Don't be alarmed, colonel, there is no danger; 
that is nothing but a contribution-box." 

" Then why did he shake it in my face?" I inquired. 

" He was merely trying to attract your attention/' 
was the reply. 

I started to move on, when the box-holder cut off 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 189 

my retreat by a flank movement, and again rattled the 
box in my face. I took the hint, dropped a sou into 
it, and went away without further molestation from 
him. But I had scarcely walked a dozen paces before 
another man rattled a box at my nose. Dropping a 
sou in it, I walked on. Every ten paces I met a man 
who thrust a box at my nose. Each one shook his 
box so as to make the coppers rattle, merely to attract 
the attention of visitors. Begging seems to be the 
order of the day in Rome. In fact, it is the most 
unanimous amusement indulged in by Italians. They 
have got the profession reduced to a most perfect system. 
The priests set the example, and plan the campaign 
for the people to execute. 

As compared with St. Peter's, St. Paul's Church is, 
an insignificant little concern, which only cost forty mil- 
lions of dollars, not counting the hundred huge marble 
columns donated to it by rich noblemen. Either one 
of the columns cost enough to build a first-class brick 
school-house. Speaking of school-houses reminds me 
of the melancholy fact that there are more than a hun- 
dred thousand people in the city of Rome who can 
neither read nor write. 

No sooner had we emerged from the church than we 
were beset by an army of beggars of every imaginable 
description. The blind, the crippled, the deformed, 
the old, the young, men, women, and children pressed 
round us, making the most urgent appeals for help. 
Some would sing, while others cried; some would 
dance, while others would turn somersaults on the pave- 
ment, each one demanding pay for the performance. 



190 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

" Where is your husband ?" Charley inquired of an 
old woman who begged him for a sou. 

" I got hungry, — killed and ate him," was her 
prompt answer. 

" Give her a sou for me !" cried Effie. 

" Me too," said Miss Bell. 

Departing from St. Paul's Church we began an in- 
spection of the numerous aqueducts that two thousand 
years ago conveyed water to the city. Hundreds of 
decaying fragments of these stupendous works may 
be seen, both inside and outside of the city. There are 
two of those ancient aqueducts still bringing water into 
the city, just as they did before the Christian era. They 
are beyond all doubt the grandest works to be seen in 
the city. They consist of tall brick or stone arches, 
on top of which is built the channel through which a 
river runs, depositing its water in the heart of the city. 
The Claudian aqueduct is forty miles in length, and 
formerly deposited eight hundred thousand tons of 
water into the city daily. Large portions of this old 
aqueduct are still standing; indeed, fragments of all of 
them may be seen on every hand. 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. \§\ 



CHAPTER XYI. 

Those who like to look on repulsive objects should 
not fail to visit the Capuchin Monastery at Rome. We 
were met at the entrance by a smiling monk whose 
long, gaunt body was encircled with a dark-brown 
gown, and his feet were perfectly bare. Without cere- 
mony he took command of the party, conducting us 
down a long narrow flight of stone steps which landed 
us on the dirt floor of an immense hall cut up into in- 
numerable little stalls about fifteen feet square, the 
plastered walls of which were curiously decorated with 
human bones. An elegant cornice was made by a 
double row of jaw-bones, fitting one against the other, 
as we often see scroll-work made of stucco. They 
were screwed on to the wall with the teeth outward, 
making what Charley pronounced a "grinning cor- 
nice." The body of the walls was ornamented with 
various devices composed of all sorts of human bones. 
Large crosses and sharp-pointed stars were constructed 
of vertebras nailed to the wall and bordered with fineer- 
and toe-nails. Shapely pyramids were built with 
human skulls, their eyeless sockets and toothless jaws 
facing outward. A beautiful necklace made of knee- 
caps hung on a nail. The ceiling was adorned with 
bas-reliefs constructed of finger-joints and toe-nails. 
Vast quantities of leg-bones and thigh-bones were 
stacked up like cord- wood. Each room contained a 



192 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

bed on which lay a skeleton clad in gown and cowl, 
while a horrible grin seemed to linger about the flesh- 
less cheeks and the empty sockets. A few skeletons, 
dressed in monkish robes, were fastened in a standing 
posture against the walls like grim sentinels, guarding 
the bones of their deceased brothers. 

After satisfying myself with the curiosities of the 
monastery, I leaned my body against the wall and fell 
into a thoughtful revery, which, for the time being, 
lifted my mind out of the present and carried it back 
to the epoch when Nero was emperor. My left hand, 
on which remains only one whole finger (the other three 
having been overtaken by a bullet one day while I 
was hunting a safe place), was hanging down by my 
side. All of a sudden a pretty little blue-eyed girl 
seized my only whole finger and tried to break it off, 
to carry home as a relic, having mistaken me for a 
mummy. At first I paid no attention to her ; indeed, 
my mind was on distant objects that had existed 
twenty centuries ago. 

"La! mamma! this is a brand-new mummy," ex- 
claimed the little lady, as she made a vigorous effort to 
twist my finger off*. 

I now for the first time turned my head and looked 
down at the young relic-hunter, when she instantly fled. 

"Oh, mamma," she cried, "that mummy is alive; 
I saw its head move." 

The whole crowd, who had been intently watching 
the operation, now burst into loud laughter. If the 
ladies invented this joke they indeed deserve credit, for 
it was a complete success. 




s alive; 



RAPID RAM B LINGS IN EUROPE. 193 

"Colonel," said the Judge, "the Court would at 
once sentence you to the foot of the class, were it not for 
the fact that you already occupy that ignominious posi- 
tion." 

No second invitation was required to hurry the bri- 
gade out of that repulsive bone-yard. 

From the monastery we went to the Coliseum. 

" Well, did you ever !" cried Effie, as we halted in 
front of this grand old ruin. 

Miss Bell and Miss Stevenson made their usual re- 
plies to this remark, which I have so often mentioned. 

" Walk right this way, ladies and gentlemen," cried 
Dick, as he clambered up the crumbling wall and 
took up a position where the first tier of seats used 
to be. " Hurry up ! the performance will soon begin. 
We earnestly request the audience to remain seated, 
and to maintain perfect silence while the show is 
going on. Our entertainment will begin this morning 
with a free fight between one hundred Christians and a 
like number of royal Bengal tigers. His Royal High- 
ness, the most noble emperor, whose heart is overflowed 
with tenderness and mercy, has generously consented 
to grant an unconditional pardon to all Christians who 
shall survive this combat. In order to avoid a panic 
among the spectators, we deem it proper to inform the 
audience that the tigers are now confined in cages be- 
neath the floor, and that when the signal is given they 
will all be thrown up into the arena at once. This, if 
not understood, might frighten ladies and children. 
The Christians will first be led into the arena, and 
then, by means of an ingeniously -constructed machine, 
in 17 



194 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

all the animals will be precipitated 011 the floor at once, 
coming up through the trap doors." 

" It is the order of the Court," said the Judge, 
"that this rigmarole of nonsense be immediately 
stopped. Charley and Mr. Chittenden are hereby ap- 
pointed my special deputies to execute this order." 

Then the two deputies began to bombard Dick with 
fragments of brick, forcing him to take shelter behind 
a broken arch. 

I was truly glad when Dick was silenced, because I 
felt an inclination to exercise my thoughts instead of 
my tongue. The gloomy grandeur of this decaying 
old relic of Roman magnificence, with its falling arches, 
broken columns, crumbling walls, and vacant seats, in- 
spires the beholder with an inclination to set the wings 
of his imagination to work. At any rate, this was the 
sentiment that found lodgment in my mind when 
first I beheld it. I did not try to put a check to my 
wandering fancy, but gave it unlimited freedom, and 
allowed it to go back and mingle with those who oc- 
cupied seats in the- Coliseum eighteen hundred years 
ago. 

I saw eighty thousand people, sitting on those seats, 
intently gazing toward the centre of the arena, where 
a dozen men were sprinkling the floor with sand. 
Every now and then the loud roar of a lion and the 
angry growl of a tiger greeted my ears. Next I saw a 
company of eighty men march into the arena in double 
file ; their wrists were manacled with handcuffs, which 
four men proceeded to take off. The eighty men 
slowly marched three times around the arena, then 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 195 

halted near the centre, when all of them fell on their 
knees, raised their hands and eyes toward heaven, and 
prayed aloud I heard them ask God to forgive and 
convert the eighty thousand people who were present. 
Then the vast crowd hissed, laughed, and clapped their 
hands. 

I heared a group of ladies talking ; one of them 
said, — 

" They are praying to their strange God, but He is 
not able to save them." 

" If they had offered sacrifices to Jupiter," replied 
another, " they would not have been in this situation." 

" No, I dare say not ; but it is said that they have 
often spoken of Jupiter in terms of supreme contempt." 

" Yes, I have heard things of that sort myself. 
People who dare to mention the name of our gods 
with disrespect ought to die. The truth is, I have 
made up my mind to come here every day when any 
of these horrid Christians are to be slain." 

" Look ! look !" cried one of the ladies. " They are 
about to open the show !" 

Then I saw all the managers go out of the ring, 
closing the heavy iron doors behind them, and leaving 
the Christians standing in line. Their faces, which 
were quite pale, were turned toward heaven, while I 
could see their lips moving as if engaged in prayer. 
All of a sudden a loud rumbling noise was heard under 
the floor, sounding like a railway train crossing an iron 
bridge ; then innumerable trap-doors flew open, when 
up sprang fifty tigers and thirty lions. The animals at 
first seemed to be greatly frightened, and all huddled 



196 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

together on the east side of the arena, at the same time 
causing the whole house to tremble with their hideous 
roaring. I suppose five minutes had elapsed before the 
animals began to disperse, walking round at the edge 
of the arena as if they were searching for means of es- 
cape. At length a huge lion — the largest of the gang — ■ 
began to eye the Christians as slowly and cautiously he 
went toward them. He reminded me of a cat slipping 
toward a mouse, for he crawled along on his belly, all 
the time keeping his glaring eyes fixed on the men. 
When he came within ten feet of them, he made a tre- 
mendous leap forward, and buried his long claws in a 
man's neck. In an instant the victim's flesh was torn 
into fragments. A dozen Christians sprang upon the 
lion, vainly hoping to save their brother's life. The 
rest of the animals, who had been quietly watching all 
the while, now dashed forward, making a united attack 
upon the men. Screams and groans rent the air; 
quivering flesh flew on every side ; smoking blood ran 
in large streams along the ground ; fleshlcss bones lay 
scattered thick on the floor ; tigers growled and lapped 
up human gore; lions roared, and the shouts of eighty 
thousand men, women, and children rent the air. The 
whole audience rose to their feet, screaming and gesticu- 
lating with wild excitement. Ten minutes more, and 
the seats were all empty ; the audience had dispersed, 
and no sound broke the stillness except the occasional 
growl of a tiger who gnawed on a man's thigh-bone, 
or the snarling of a couple of lions who quarreled over 
a pool of blood, which each one claimed by right of 
pre-emption. 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 197 

If I have not seen and heard all these things, it is 
merely because I was not there at the right time. They 
certainly did occur. If you do not believe it, go ask 
Cicero and Caesar ; they will tell you all about it. 

While Cicero was governor of one of the Roman 
provinces, fifty-two years before the birth of Christ, his 
friend Cselius wrote to him thus : " I have spoken to 
you in almost all my letters about the panthers. It 
will be disgraceful to you that Patiscus has sent ten 
panthers to Curio, while you have scarcely sent a 
greater number to me." Now, that was really a 
shocking outrage that Cicero should have so shame- 
fully disgraced himself by letting Patiscus beat him in 
catching panthers. 

Cicero, however, puts up a pretty fair excuse in 
his reply : " I have given particular orders about the 
panthers to those who are in the habit of hunting 
them ; but they are surprisingly scarce." I guess the 
last year's panther crop had failed to turn out as well 
as they had expected. 

When a school-boy, I had been taught to believe that 
Cicero was closely related to the angels, and that he 
was an inspired orator who daily partook of ambrosial 
food. Little did I think of him as a hunter of pan- 
thers and tigers to be sent to Rome to tear the flesh 
and gnaw the bones of his fellow-men. 

Our modern theatre-builders might learn a valuable 
lesson by visiting the old Coliseum. It was so con- 
structed that an audience of eighty thousand people 
could get out in five minutes. A hundred and sixty 
broad flights of stairs led from the seats to as many 

17* 



198 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

doors opening on the streets. There were a hundred 
and sixty different compartments, reached by the same 
number of stairways. Each seat was plainly numbered, 
as was each one of the compartments ; so that no one 
could possibly fail to find his seat after he had pur- 
chased his ticket. A spacious subterranean road, 
walled with stone on the sides, and vaulted with the 
same material, led from the menagerie where the ani- 
mals were kept and fed to a large amphitheatre under 
the floor of the Coliseum. The cages were so arranged 
beneath the arena that the animals could be instantly 
thrown up on the floor when required. 

I first walked round on the outside of the Coliseum, 
a distance of nearly a third of a mile ; then I went on 
top and walked round. The outside of the wall is 
composed of travertine, while the inside is made of 
brick. On one side the wall appears to be unbroken, 
and is one hundred and fifty feet high. The other 
side, has crumbled away until it is not half so high as 
the unbroken one. In some places, where it is not ex- 
posed, 1 saw traces of the ornamental bas-relief work 
which adorned the walls. This served to convey a 
faint idea of the gorgeous manner in which the interior 
had originally been finished. All the scroll-work and 
the exquisite carvings were heavily gilded, so that 
when lighted at night, it would look like a solid mass 
of burnished gold. 

All those highly-colored descriptions of naval battles, 
said to have been fought in the Coliseum, have no other 
foundation to rest on than the extravagant imagination 
of those who wrote them. If the whole Tiber were 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 199 

turned into the arena, it would not supply enough 
water to support a fourth-rate sea-fight. I think, 
however, they had boat-races on small canals running 
round the edge of the arena, just as they do at colleges 
now, where men pay large sums of money to have 
their sons taught to play draw poker and handle boat- 
oars. 

The Coliseum was finished and opened for business 
by Titus, in a.d. 72, when the show continued for one 
hundred days, during which time fifty thousand Jews 
were killed, and eleven thousand wild animals, such as 
lions, tigers, and panthers. That was only an average 
of five hundred Jews a day, a rather slow way of get- 
ting rid of them, though the weather was very unfavor- 
able, and the Coliseum not covered. But for the in- 
clemency of the weather and other unavoidable causes, 
they would have despatched another fifty thousand. 

The Coliseum is constructed in an elliptical shape, 
with three ranges of elegant open arcades. Each tier 
contained thirty arches, supported by three different 
sorts of columns, displaying as many different orders 
of architecture, — the Doric, the Ionic, and the Corin- 
thian. Twenty-six of the lower arches, which were 
exclusively reserved for the emperor, were ornamented 
in a most magnificent style. A subterranean avenue 
led from these arches to the emperor's palace, so that 
he could pass in and out without coming in contact 
with the vulgar crowd. On the ground floor were 
numerous shops, taverns, restaurants, stables, cloak- 
rooms, and refreshment-stands, which were entered 
from the outside. A wide colonnade extended round 



200 RAPID RAMB LINGS IN EUROPE. 

the east side for the accommodation of carriages and 
drivers. 

There is nothing to be seen in Rome that makes 
Buch a deep impression on the mind as a sight of this 
wonderful monument of her ancient grandeur. It is a 
decaying image of tyrannical injustice, a living proof 
of God's displeasure, a melancholy relic of departed 
glory, a solitary sign of fallen greatness, a link that 
connects one thought with four millions of people who 
lived eighteen hundred years ago, — people whose 
bones have long ago crumbled into dust. 

As I sat on the crumbling walls and gazed at the 
eighty thousand vacant seats, my mind fell into a mel- 
ancholy revery. Not a sound of any sort rose to 
break the dreadful silence. The solemnity of death 
hung about the falling ruins. The very air seemed to 
stand still. The lizards and scorpions crept among 
the rubbish, while many little birds hopped and skipped 
from leaning arch to broken column, without ven- 
turing to disturb the silence with their wonted song. 
A few half-starved goats quietly browsed on the short 
grass in the arena. I was in hopes that one of them 
would break the painful silence with a familiar bleat, 
but in that I was disappointed. Even Dick had sub- 
sided into a reflective mood, and sat on top of a lofty 
arch, leaning, half asleep, against a pile of rubbish. 

It is enough to fill the soul with sad reflections to 
sit on one of the vacant seats of this vast amphitheatre, 
and muster before his mind the bloody tragedies that 
for three hundred years were enacted on the ground 
before him. It has a tendency to fill one's heart with 



RAPID RAMBLINOS IN EUROPE. 201 

a feeling of detestation against everybody and every- 
thing connected with ancient Rome. If the curse of 
God is not plainly manifested here, I am sure no evi- 
dence of His displeasure can be found on earth. 

Nothing now remains of Nero's golden house, save 
a few prostrate columns, fallen arches, and a vast 
pile of rubbish. When we speak of Nero's golden 
house, let it be remembered that it covered an area of 
near twenty acres of ground, with a portico over a 
half a mile in length. Heavy assessments were made 
on all the people throughout the empire to raise money 
to build this stupendous structure. The citizens were 
impoverished, slaves toiled under the lash, neighboring 
nations were robbed and plundered, in order that this 
fiddling tyrant might boast of having the grandest 
palace in the world. I thank God that He has at last 
punished the wicked Nero as he deserved. 

The sun was wellnigh through his daily journey, 
though he was giving the Palatine Hill a scorching 
farewell, when we visited it. This historical hill was 
the classical headquarters of the civilized world two 
thousand years ago ; now, it is nothing but a broad 
field of rubbish, a desert of broken bricks and marble 
fragments, except Nero's judgment-seat and the pris- 
oners' dock, which are yet standing, just as they were 
when St. Paul was tried and condemned. A broad 
square space is enclosed by heavy marble railing and 
banisters. This was the room occupied by the lawyers 
and the officers, while the prisoners' dock is to the 
right of the judgment-seat. 

" Right here," said the guide, as he took a stand in 



202 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

the dock, " is the very spot where St. Paul stood when 
the sentence of death was pronounced upon him." 

Of course, each member of the party, one after 
another, took a stand on the sacred spot. If I have 
not stood on the very place where the illustrious 
apostle did when listening to his death-sentence, a 
deceptive fraud has been perpetrated upon me. 

The paved road leading up the Palatine Hill is smooth 
and unbroken. It is covered with basalt, known to 
have been placed there two thousand five hundred 
years ago. At the foot of the hill stands a pretty 
little grotto, all covered over with verdant vines, and 
on the inside a brisk stream of clear, cold water gushes 
out through the mouth of a marble lion. A short dis- 
tance above this grotto the ruins of Caesar's palace were 
pointed out to us. Nothing is left, though, to give 
one an idea of its shape or size. The hill contains 
several subterranean avenues leading from one palace 
to another. They are walled and vaulted Avith huge 
blocks of stone, on which appear the names of many 
famous men who lived before the Christian era. 

Of all the frauds of which Rome can boast, the 
Tarpeian Rock is the greatest. History tells us that 
malefactors were dashed to pieces by being pitched 
from the top of that lofty rock. An infant could roll 
down from the top without endangering its life. It is 
alleged that most of the Tarpeian Rock has been cut 
away for building purposes, and that the accumulation 
of rubbish from fallen houses has raised the surface of 
the earth considerably, so as apparently to diminish its 
height. The famous rock is now enclosed in a private 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 203 

garden, the soil round the base being covered with 
potato vines, and growing corn. I politely requested 
the landlord to allow me to chisel off a piece of the 
stone for a relic. He at once made me a present of 
the whole concern, and insisted that I should take it 
away immediately. I thoughtlessly promised to do so, 
but the railroad authorities allow but sixty pounds of 
baggage to each passenger. I think the rock would 
weigh more than sixty pounds; though, it is mine, 
and I can prove it. 

The Bath of Caracalla may be classed with the 
Coliseum in point of massiveness and ruined magnifi- 
cence. The building covered an area of one million 
two hundred thousand square feet. It surpasses the 
Coliseum in point of gorgeousness of decoration. The 
entire floor is mosaic, beautifully colored in many 
different styles, representing all sorts of shapes and 
figures. The largest piece of marble I could find in 
the floor was only one inch square, while the average 
size would not exceed half an inch. The most won- 
derful thing connected with it is that these little scraps 
of marble are so firmly fastened down with some sort 
of cement that they have withstood the storms of 
twenty centuries, and the tramp of millions of people, 
and yet their beauty and smoothness is unchanged and 
uninjured. I noticed in many places where large 
fragments of the vaulted roof, weighing hundreds of 
tons, had fallen down on the floor, and yet the surface 
of the mosaic was unbroken. One part of the vast 
amphitheatre was arranged like a modern theatre, 
with rows of seats circling round a large reservoir. 



204 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

so that thousands of spectators could sit and see the 
bathers disporting in the water. There were different 
compartments for hot and cold water bathing, appa- 
ratus for heating the water, leaden pipes to convey the 
water to the different rooms. Niches were built in the 
wall, to hold the garments of the bathers, where they 
were deposited, and checks given to the owners, as is 
done by hotels in these days. 

On Saturday evening we enjoyed a most delightful 
drive out to the Villa Borghesse, situated three miles 
from the city; it is said to be one of the prettiest in 
the vicinity of Rome. It is approached by a smooth, 
beautiful road shaded with lofty elm-trees. Charming 
fields of rare flowers and sparkling fountains con- 
tribute their share of beauty to the lovely scenery. 
All the vast marble halls are covered with costly paint- 
ings by the old masters and hundreds of elegant statues 
executed by the most famous sculptors. 

It is in one of the rooms of this villa where may be 
seen the white marble statue of Pauline, the sister of 
the First Napoleon, said to be the best model of femi- 
nine beauty extant. It is here that Pauline appeared 
before the artist, day after day, clad in the style of 
Mother Eve, thus enabling him to win the prize offered 
for the most perfect Venus. The image reclines on a 
marble couch, where thousands of visitors constantly 
throng to feast their eyes on this wonderful model of 
artistic skill. 

On our way back to the city we stopped on the Cap- 
itoline Hill to view the historical spot where, two thou- 
sand years ago, the fate of neighboring nations was 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 205 

discussed and their destruction sometimes decreed. 
There is nothing remaining here to remind one of 
Eome's ancient glory except faint traces of ruined tem- 
ples, fallen monuments, and crumbling walls. The 
very spot where Caesar fell by assassination was pointed 
out to us. The ground is now occupied by a vegetable- 
market, where thousands of women and children quar- 
rel and haggle over the price of beans, potatoes, and 
cabbage. 

We visited the Hall of Justice, as it is called, 
which in our country would be the supreme court- 
house. This is the highest court of Italy, composed 
of seven judges, whose decisions are final on all 
questions. In this room stands the famous statue of 
Pompey the Great, at the base of which Julius Caesar 
fell and expired. Pompey forgot to take his clothes 
with him when he went to have his image made ; at 
least such is the conclusion forced on one's mind, be- 
cause they are not represented. The statue is of white 
marble, nine feet high, representing Pompey standing 
erect on a small flat pedestal. On the calf of his left 
leg is a dark-red stain, said to have been made by the 
blood of Julius Csesar. I tried to rub it off, but failed. 
If it is Caesar's blood it was of the sticking sort, such as 
would make excellent glue. 

A large pile of rubbish and a few prostrated columns 
mark the spot where Mark Antony delivered his 
famous oration over the body of Caesar, which so effect- 
ually inflamed the minds of the people as to induce 
them to make a funeral pile out of benches and ros- 
trums. 

18 



206 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

The Arch of Constantine, built a.d. 311, is perhaps 
the best-preserved arch in Rome. It is constructed of 
colossal blocks of marble, and is one hundred and 
seventy-six feet high. 

Portions of many of the old pagan temples are yet 
standing. The remaining ruins of the temple of Mars, 
Faustina, Concord, Jupiter, and Venus, consist of 
broken columns and mounds of mixed rubbish. 

I am tired of ruins. If I am not myself a first-class 
ruin the ladies have wilfully misrepresented the facts. 
They have written me down as a ruined institution. 



CHAPTER XVII. 

Naples, July 6, 1883. 
Naples is the largest, the prettiest, and, beyond all 
question, the filthiest city in Italy. It is pretty only 
when viewed from a distance. When you are in the 
streets you cannot see the city for the army of beggars 
that constantly swarm round you. If you wish to pre- 
serve a pleasant recollection of Naples, keep away from 
it. If you cannot get your consent to stay away from 
it, I advise you to charter a fresh whirlwind and ride 
it through the city, so as to avoid annihilation from the 
stifling odors that fill the streets. An ingenious in- 
ventor could make a fortune here if he would invent 
some plan to materialize the atmosphere and sell it as 
a first-class fertilizer. . 



RAPID RAMBLING S IN EUROPE. 207 

The exquisite beauty of the Bay of Naples has never 
been, nor ever will be, so described as to convey to the 
mind a correct idea of its real charm. There is a 
peculiar dark-blue color that tinges the surface of the 
waters of the Mediterranean entirely different from 
any other sea or ocean, and I think this charming 
color is considerably deepened at this point by the re- 
flection of Vesuvius, and the azure hills that rise back 
of the city. The bay has the shape of a vast amphi- 
theatre, curving round at the base of Vesuvius on the 
left, and a lofty range of villa-covered hills on the 
right, while the city extends round near the water's 
edge for a distance of five miles. The romantic little 
island of Ischia, with its dark-blue outline, may be 
seen far away to the right, while Capri, with its strong 
battlements, stands boldly up on the left. The fresh 
sea-breeze that constantly sweeps in from the bay has 
an invigorating influence, if you can meet it out of the 
city, but the salt cannot save it after it gets in. 

Our hotel fronts the bay. I do not know how many 
stories high it is, but my room is a little below the 
crater on Vesuvius. Dick says that " the moon will 
have to go round the hotel, as there is not room for it 
to pass between the top of the house and the stars." 
Such an article as an elevator is not often seen at con- 
tinental hotels. Immediately after dinner, yesterday 
evening, I started up to my room, and managed to 
reach it by a reasonable bedtime. 

I have been hungry ever since I came into Italy, 
and would willingly give a ten-dollar bill for an old- 
fashioned meal of American style. I have not tasted 



208 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

a bite of warm bread since I have been on the Conti- 
nent, nor have I ever rose from a dinner-table without 
feeling hungry. They have a plan by which they can 
fill the stomach without appeasing the appetite. A 
roll of Italian bread is as hard as any flint. I would 
bring a roll of it home as a relic, but the statute of 
my State prohibits the carrying of deadly weapons. 

"Oh, my !" exclaimed Miss Bell, the other day, at 
breakfast; "I would give anything for a hot biscuit." 

" The owner of a bushel of hot biscuits could bank- 
rupt the brigade," replied Dick, as he vainly tried to 
break a roll of Italian bread. " Waiter, have you got 
a broadaxe handy?" he inquired, as a boy approached 
him. " If you have, I would be under lasting obliga- 
tions to you if you would loan it to me a moment ; I 
want to cut this roll of bread in two." 

" No talkee me Englishee. No axe de broadee mit 
de hotelee." 

n Are you a living gorilla, or are you an irreconcil- 
able antagonism." 

" No standee under Englishee me." 

"Under the circumstances I excuse you," returned 
Dick. 

We arrived here Monday evening, in time to obtain 
a cursory view of the city by an extensive carriage- 
drive through the streets and suburbs; thence three 
miles out to Virgil's tomb, which is situated on a lofty 
hill overlooking the bay. The house enclosing the 
tomb is octagonal in shape, and about twenty feet in 
diameter. It stands on the spot where Virgil com- 
posed many of his poems. After shedding enough 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 209 

tears over the tomb to satisfy the vanity of any rea- 
sonable-minded poet, we were told that his bones had 
been removed, and that no living man knew where 
they were. But we know his soul is in heaven, for 
Dante said he saw him there. 

On Tuesday morning, at an early hour, we set out 
toward the buried city of Pompeii, to see a sight about 
which I had done more thinking than I had about any 
other object in Italy ; and, I believe, such had been the 
case with every member of our party. I had read 
many a book containing a description of this remark- 
able wonder, all of which served to increase my desire 
to see it with my own eyes. For a distance of five 
miles the line of our route ran in a semicircular curve 
round the edge of the bay, then turned to the left, 
skirting the base of Mount Vesuvius. 

It is no exaggeration to say that while travelling the 
first five miles of our journey we met twenty-five thou- 
sand people, all hurrying along at break-neck speed, 
cursing, yelling, singing, shouting ; men, women, and 
naked children crowded on carts, wagons, buggies, car- 
riages, tramway-cars, and every imaginable sort of 
conveyance. It was no uncommon thing to see a hus- 
band, wife, and ten children perched high on top of a 
cart-load of household furniture, all drawn by a don- 
key not much larger than a Texas rabbit ; indeed, you 
may frequently see one of those patient little animals 
carrying a whole family on its back. I have seen as 
many as twenty-five lazy men crowded on one wagon, 
which was drawn by one little donkey. The Italians 
abuse and torture these poor little creatures in a most 
o 18* 



210 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

shocking manner. If old Vesuvius would toss a lisrlit 
shower of hot ashes on those heartless scamps she 
would win my most profound respect by the operation. 
My experience in life has taught me never to trust a 
man who cruelly treats his horse. If you register 
such a nian's name on your list of first-class rascals 
you are sure to make no mistake. He is as mean as 
the man who on Christmas eve gave each one of his 
children twenty-five cents, stole it from them at night 
while they slept, and whipped them next morning for 
losing it. The horse is the noblest animal that walks 
the earth, and the most serviceable. The man who 
would wantonly abuse him is not only a rascal, but he 
is a petty tyrant, who would whip his wife, rob a 
graveyard, steal a sheep, and hate his mother-in-law. 

A large majority of the business of Naples is trans- 
acted on the streets. Donkeys, cows, and horses are 
fed on the sidewalks; washing, ironing, cooking, and 
all sorts of domestic labor is performed in the streets. 
Naked children, dogs, and beggars sleep together on 
the pavements ; fruit-peddlers, shoemakers, black- 
smiths, gamblers, musicians, fortune-tellers, quack- 
doctors, and stonecutters, all ply their avocations on 
the pavement. The gutters are filled with soapsuds, 
cabbage-leaves, dead rats, rotten fruit, potato-peels, 
chicken-feathers, beef-bones, scraps of leather, and 
mouldy straw, all seething in the hot rays of the sun, 
and emitting an effluvium strong enough to stifle an 
American mule. I was, indeed, glad when we got out 
of this horrible den of filth to where we could breathe 
the fresh salt breeze that came briskly up from the sea. 



RAPID RAMBL1NGS IN EUROPE. 211 

We arrived at Pompeii before noon, and ordered 
luncheon to be prepared for us at the Hotel Dioniedes. 
Our party was taken charge of by a local guide who 
spoke English perfectly. The numerous descriptions I 
had read of buried Pompeii had led me to believe that 
I would find the streets considerably below the surface 
of the earth ; but, on the contrary, I found an unin- 
habited city situated on an elevated plateau, with 
streets perfectly clean, and no signs of rubbish anywhere 
near it. All the debris has been carted away and de- 
posited on the lowlands, some distance from the town. 
We were first conducted through the sea-gate, near 
which stands the sentry-box where was found the 
skeleton of a soldier clad in a full suit of armor. The 
box stands there as it did when the sentinel died at his 
post. It is constructed of stone, and is large enough 
to hold only one person. 

On the right of the street, near the gate, stands the 
museum, containing a collection of curious relics found 
in the houses by the excavators. In a large glass case 
is preserved the skeleton of a woman who was found 
in Diomede's house, and who is supposed to have been 
his daughter. A valuable necklace, bracelets, a gold 
chain, and several finger-rings were found with the 
skeleton. One of the rings still remains on her finger. 
It is a small gold circlet similar to those worn by la- 
dies at the present day. I noticed a place where it hud 
held a setting of some sort, but it had disappeared. All 
sorts of jewels have been found here, most of which re- 
semble those now manufactured by jewellers. An iron 
money-box not unlike a modern safe is on exhibition 



212 RAPID RAMBL1NQS IN EUROPE. 

here. It is made of wrought iron, very thick, and 
dotted all over with strong bolts which have heads on 
the outside and are riveted on the inside. An experi- 
enced burglar could not break open the box in ten 
hours with a sledge-hammer. On this box was found 
lying the skeleton of a man with a sack of money 
clutched in his hand. He had lost his life while 
vainly trying to save his money. 

" I admire his courage, but not his judgment," said 
Dick. " His money would have been safer in that box 
than anywhere else." 

The museum contained an assortment of cooking- 
vessels, knives, forks, spoons, lamps filled with oil, 
panes of window-glass taken from Diomede's house, 
bottles of wine and olive oil, carriage-wheels, corn- 
mills, wooden pails, trays containing wheat-dough, 
skeletons of dogs, hogs, and chickens. I saw a case of 
surgical instruments, some of which were in all respects 
such as are now in use by the profession. A roll of 
manuscript was found in the house of the Tragic Poet, 
a portion of which has been separated so that the writ- 
ing could be read. The skeletons were all found en- 
cased in complete moulds made by the mud and the 
ashes, which formed a hard cement. By removing the 
skeletons, and rilling the moulds with plaster of Paris, 
a complete model of the person could be made. They 
have a perfect model of a well-formed woman in the 
museum, lying face downward, with her face resting 
on her hands as if trying to protect it from the suffo- 
cating heat. 

After satisfying ourselves with the innumerable 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 213 

curiosities exhibited in the museum we bent our course 
up a slanting hill for a distance of two hundred yards, 
walking in a narrow street not over ten feet wide. On 
reaching the top, a sight then burst on my view which 
I am very sure I can never forget. A large, beautiful 
city without inhabitants stood before me, silent, gloomy, 
and dead ; empty streets on whose pavements no sound 
of human tread is heard. No clatter of hoof or rattle 
of wheels resounds through her deserted squares. The 
hearty laugh, the merry song, the sweet prattle of chil- 
dren have long, long ago ceased to echo through her 
tenantless chambers. The very silence of death broods 
over this gloomy field of desolation. It is an empty 
tomb, an open grave, the sight of which chains the 
mind to thoughts of death and of human weakness. 
The reflective mind will be sure to give the loose rein 
to the imagination, and let it mingle with the people 
who inhabited Pompeii twenty centuries ago. 

It will not require any very great flight of fancy to 
put us down in Pompeii on a balmy night, 24th of 
August, a.d. 79 ; therefore let us make the trip. 

" Agreed," says Imagination. 

" Presto, change !" replies Fancy ; and here we are. 

Scene I. 

[Enter Diomede and Tragic Poet.] 
Poet. What's the time of day ? 
Diomede. Half past seven by my dial. Whither 
goest thou, my good friend ? 

Poet. To the great theatre, of course. Knowest 



214 RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. 

thou not that Marcus Nassallena hath just ai rived with 
his troup of famous gladiators? 

Diomede. It grieveth me sorely that I cannot wit- 
ness this grand performance, but my daughter's illness 
keeps me at home to-night. 

Poet. Dost not thou think the weather unusually 
warm this evening ? 

Diomede. Indeed is it ! I like not the action of 
La Somma to-night. She has been angry all day, and 
methinks she is getting worse every moment. See what 
a vast column of fire shoots up from her crest. 

Poet. Oh, that is nothing worthy of notice ; she 
will be as quiet as a lamb by morning. What noise 
is that? Methinks 'tis a nuptial song. 

Diomede. Thou art correct, my friend. This is, 
indeed, a merry evening for Pompeii, — three wed- 
dings, two grand balls, two theatres in full blast, 
Jupiter's festival at the temple, grand opening of 
Diana's temple, and oration at the Forum, by Au- 
fideus. The whole population seems to be wild with 
joy, and bent on having a gay night of it. 

Poet. Good-evening, my friend. 'Tis time for the 
performance to begin, so I must hurry on. 

[Exit Poet. Curtain falls.'] 

Scene II. 

House of Diomede; beautiful fountain playing in open 
court in front ; Diomede, Madame Diomede, and three 
daughters grouped round, fountain. [Enter Poet.] 
Diomede. Whither away now, good friend? Why 

didst thou quit the theatre ? 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 215 

Poet The house is over-crowded. Five thousand 
tickets sold ; atmosphere suffocating. I only remained 
to witness one act; two young gladiators killed, 
three mortally wounded,-all worshippers of this new 
God they call Christ. They cannot fight at all; 
indeed, they did not make an effort to defend 
themselves. They say their religion does not alow 
them to shed human Wood. They were all the time 
calling on their new God to help them, instead of 
helping themselves. The whole show was a disgust- 
ins: farce. They call themselves "Christians, and 
say they are not at all afraid to die. And to be 
candid with you, I do not believe they fear death a 
particle They were furnished with good weapons, 
but refused to use them, and just stood stock-still, and 
suffered themselves to be cut to pieces without an eflort 
to defend themselves. _ , 

Diomede. Hark ! What dreadful noise is that? 
Poet It is La Somma ; she is becoming really angry. 
Diomede. What is in the atmosphere that causes it 
to pain the lungs when we breathe it? 

Poet There is a cloud of very fine ashes falling on 
the city ; I noticed it while I was in the theatre. The 
top, thou knowest, is not covered, and the heads of the 
spectators were strewn with fine gray ashes. The ladies 
and the children were constantly using their fans and 
complaining of suffocation. Great Jupiter, defend us ! 
for I believe I shall die if I have to inhale these ashes 
much longer. The heat is increasing, and so is the 
shower of falling ashes. Look ! Look yonder ! I see 
fire falling on the Forum ! 



216 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

Diomede. Hark, friend ! Mcthinks I hear a lady 
scream. Didst thou not hear it? 

Poet. Oh, blessed Juno ! protect us ! it is raining 
fire on the theatre. Hark! Dost thou hear those 
awful screams ? See ! the people are all running out ! 
Diomede. To the altar ! Quick ! Tell the priests 
to offer sacrifice to Jupiter without stint. Slay the 
fattest bull, and offer the whole to the angry Jupiter ! 
Poet. Oh, this is dreadful ! it is horrible ! What 
in the name of Bacchus is that rattling on the house- 
tops? 

Diomede. It is red-hot rocks which La Somma is 
throwing on the city. Look ! look ! the fiery storm 
is coming this way. Come ! let us hurry in, or we 
shall be burned to death. 

[Exit Diomede, family, and Poet. Enter a score of 
women with infants in their arms, and children foil ow- 
ing ; screams of despair float wildly through the streets. 
JS"oise like distant thunder falls heavily on the ears. 
Streams of red fire pour incessantly on the streets. 
Horses dash wildly in every direction, maddened by 
the falling fire. Carriages and wagons rumble over 
the rocky roads, loaded with screaming women and 
children. Dark clouds of hot ashes, mingled with 
steaming mud, pour a deluge on the ground. Dead 
children begin to block up the streets. Frightened 
horses trample women to death. Men fly towards the 
sea. Death with rapid strides ivalks about the doomed 
city, rejoicing at the rich harvest he is in the act of 
reaping. Hissing lumps of red-hot pumice-stones fall 
as thick as hail all over the town. Groans, curses, 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 217 

and loud wails ring through the sfreets. Doors are 
closed to shut out the fumes of the raging hell that 
invades the town. Streets begin to fill up with hot 
mud, pumice-stones y and ashes, so that no person can 
move along them. The earth trembles, darkness pre- 
vails, sulphuric steam hisses, and the groans of 
the dying men and women mingle with the dreadful 
sounds.'] 

Scene III. 
\_Morning sun rises bright and clear, bid Pompeii is gone. 
No balls, no weddings, no theatres, no festivals, no 
Christians being hilled in the arena, no city to be seen; 
nothing in sight but a sea of smoking mud and ashes; 
no vestige of the gay city where the sounds of revelry 
were heard twelve short hours ago ; no flashing lights 
blazing down on beautiful faces of ladies, who glide 
through the mazes of the dance as they did last night. 
The grave has been dug; the dead city is buried in it. 
The earth is heaped on the coffin, the funeral procession 
has gone away, and all is over /] 



CHAPTER XVIIL 

I have at last found the Wandering Jew, an indi- 
vidual about whom so much has been said and written, 
and one whom I have always desired to see. The offi- 
cers who are superintending the excavations at Pom- 
peii have been trying to make me believe he is crazy, 
K 19 



218 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

but I am convinced that they are prompted by envy to 
slander him because of his superior knowledge. They 
are not satisfied with charging him with being crazy, 
but they say he is a drunken beggar and a wandering 
tramp. The guide here says he is a real ghost, and ad- 
vises me to have nothing to do with him; but well do 
I know that disembodied spirits cannot eat ham, eggs, 
and Italian bread as I have seen him do. A ghost 
could not make an impression on a loaf of such bread 
as we are fed on here. Nothing but first-class masti- 
cating instruments propelled by physical strength can 
accomplish that task. 

My Wandering Jew agreed that if I would purchase 
for him six boiled eggs,- a slice of ham, a loaf of bread, 
and a bottle of wine, he would show me the wonders of 
the buried city more effectually than a dozen govern- 
ment guides could do. I concluded to make the invest- 
ment, and by so doing I went contrary to the advice of 
my companions. The landlord refused to allow me to 
bring my Jew into his house, declaring that his hotel 
was not a lunatic asylum. The peasantry shun and 
fear my companion as they would a poisonous serpent, 
some of them really believing that he is a phantom. 
These superstitious fears have been engendered by his 
peculiar habit of wandering among the crumbling ruins 
of Pompeii by nights, looking more like a ghost than 
a man. His nose alone would make money on an 
American stage. It has a semicircular shape, bulging 
out in the middle like the hump on a camel's back, 
while the lower end curves under like a hawk's bill, ap- 
parently making an effort to cover his mouth. He has 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 219 

all the characteristics of the ancient race of Jews, — coal- 
black eyes, which are always moving with a restless 
look, deeply sunk in their sockets, pale, thin face, little 
mouth, big ears, thin lips, snow-white hair twenty 
inches long, a tall, thin body slightly crooked at the 
shoulders, and a regular graveyard tone of voice. So 
far as the invention of lies is concerned, my Wander- 
ing Jew could beat Falstaff and Gulliver both put 
together. He has often been seen on moonlight nights 
gliding about among the deserted ruins of Pompeii, 
but no one knew from whence he came, how he sub- 
sisted, or whither he went when he disappeared. I 
saw boys who were ready to swear that they had seen 
him sink into the ground before their eyes, while others 
declared that they had seen him go straight through a 
thick stone wall. 

But I very well knew that these hobgoblin stories 
were merely the opinions of shallow-witted children 
who had been frightened half to death by my Jew. 
He says he was nineteen hundred and thirty-one years 
old the 4th day of last August. He told me in strict 
confidence that he was the veritable Wandering Jew 
about whom so many lies have been written ; says he 
is a true Christian now, and that he has become pretty 
well reconciled to his fate, and is by no means the 
despairing wretch that he has been represented to 
be ; denies that he struck Christ, as has been charged, 
but admits that he has committed a great crime, for 
which he has been severely punished. He says that 
the blessed Redeemer has pardoned his sins, and that 
he has only one more visit to make to Jerusalem, — at 



220 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

the end of the present century, — when his wanderings 
will cease, and he be permitted to die and be buried 
among his people in the Holy Land. Then with the 
sleeve of his tattered coat he wiped the tears from his 
eyes and asked me to buy him another bottle of wine, 
which I instantly did. He drank it all as fast as he 
could swallow it, smacked his thin lips, and grinned 
with delight. 

" For what crime did the Saviour make a perpetual 
tramp of you?" I inquired. 

" I was dealing in gents' furnishing goods at Jerusa- 
lem ; and when Christ was marching out to be cruci- 
fied, He was carrying the cross on His shoulder. It 
was very heavy, and when He came near my shop He 
stopped to rest, letting the end of the cross stand on 
my door-step. I grew angry and ordered Him to 

MOVE ON. 

" As He rose to depart, He cast on me a reproachful 
look that I never could forget were I to live ten thou- 
sand years. It pierced me to the very centre of my 
soul. The blood was trickling from His brow and 
temples where the sharp thorns had pricked His flesh. 
A ghastly wound had been made on His cheek where 
one of Pontius Pilate's soldiers had smote him with a 
reed. Some of His blood fell on the steps of my door, 
and my conscience tortured me every time I looked at 
it. I used sand and water in a vain effort to remove 
the bloody stain, but could not scrub it out. I could 
not keep my eyes off of the fatal spot. A perfect hell 
of torment began to flame in my breast, and sleep was 
impossible. I closed my doors and fled to the wilder- 



RAPID RAMBLJNGS IN EUROPE. 221 

ness, and from that day to this have been a vagabond 
and a wandering tramp. For five hundred years that 
unquenchable fire flamed in my bosom, and yet I could 
not die. I went to Rome, to Naples, and to Pompeii, 
mingling with strangers, vainly seeking relief from the 
tortures of a guilty conscience. At the end of every 
hundred years I returned to Jerusalem, hoping to be 
permitted to die among my people. But an irresistible 
influence always led me to the shop where my crime was 
committed, and there was that bloody spot still clinging 
to the stone step. At last I fell on my knees and earn- 
estly begged Christ to pardon me. Week after week, 
year after, year, I continued to beg for mercy. Near 
the end of the sixth century after Christ was crucified, 
when I had been praying every day for a hundred 
years, a feeling of exquisite joy came upon me; the 
flaming hell departed from my breast. I returned to 
Jerusalem, and lo ! the bloody spot was gone, since 
which time I have been comparatively happy, though 
the disposition to wander is still with me. I was here 
when Pompeii was destroyed, and intended to have per- 
ished with the inhabitants, but when the red-hot stones 
began to fall, some invisible friend drove me out of the 
oity. I was well acquainted with the citizens of Pom- 
peii, — order me another bottle of wine, and then I will 
show you the wonders of the buried city. I can. tell 
you more in an hour about Pompeii than that guide 
could tell you in a month." 

I, of course, bought the wine, which he quickly de- 
spatched. Now, discarding all jokes, I wish the reader 
to understand that this story is not all fiction. My 

19* 



222 RAPID RAMBLJNGS IN EUROPE. 

old winebibbcr was a half-crazy Jewish tramp who 
made a living off tourists by his eccentricities and his 
impudence. I found him valuable, though, for he 
knew more about the ruined city than any other guide ; 
so I chartered him, and have never had cause to regret 
it. It was very evident to my mind that he had once 
possessed a superior intellect which had been partially 
destroyed by wine. I found his company very agree- 
able, but rather costly. He demanded no money, but 
he had to be fed every hour, and wined as often. 

" Now/' said my Jew, as he swallowed the last of 
the third bottle of wine, "if you will follow me, I'll 
show you the greatest curiosity to be seen in this place." 

Without an instant's pause I followed him. Recon- 
ducted me to a large square stone building, containing 
two spacious apartments. In the middle of one of the 
rooms stood a little square marble altar. 

" This," said my crazy guide, " is the altar where 
the oracles were heard to foretell coming events, and to 
reveal the secrets of the past. Now, there is, of course, 
nothing at all interesting to see about the altar, unless 
you commence in the right place ; therefore I must 
ask you to go with me into the other room." 

I then went with him, as requested, when he showed 
me a very small, secret passage, by means of which a 
person could go down through the floor and come up 
under the altar and do the talking, so as to deceive the 
spectators by making them believe the heathen deities 
were revealing the unchangeable decrees of fate. 

" This idiotic local guide," said my Jew, " will tell 
you that this is nothing more than an ordinary sacri- 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 223 

ficial altar ; but if yon will be so good as to go back 
into the other room and take your stand near that altar, 
I will convince you of the correctness of my theory." 

According to his instructions, I took up a position 
near the altar in the other room, when I heard the 
following words uttered in a sepulchral tone which 
sounded as though it were fifty feet under ground : 

"When Job's coffin shall face the north star, the 
lion shall lie down in peace with the lamb ; then shall 
Colonel F. be inspired with power to write a sen- 
sible book ; but if the lion shall devour the lamb, and 
Job's coffin turn away from the north star, then shall 
the aforesaid colonel triumphantly succeed in making 
a display of his ignorance." 

My Jew had heard my companions calling me " Col- 
onel," and had also learned from them that I was 
preparing for publication a history of my travels. I 
was by this time fully convinced that he had more 
method in his madness than had Hamlet. 

" Now, sir," said he, as he crawled out of his hiding- 
place, " have I not convinced you that this is not an 
ordinary sacrificial altar? The priests who operated 
this establishment coined money by deceiving the super- 
stitious people. They always spoke in such ambiguous 
terms that it was impossible to catch them in a lie." 

My Wandering Jew, like an old clock, had to be 
wound up very often. I think he ran down every 
hour while I was with him at Pompeii, and nothing 
short of a quart bottle of wine could set his machinery 
in motion again. Nevertheless, I managed to keep him 
moving most of the time. The expenses were great, it 



224 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

is true, but his services were greater. He is the iden- 
tical individual who interpreted the mysterious inscrip- 
tion found engraved on a marble slab exhumed from 
the lowest depths of buried Pompeii. Here is the story, 
as it was told to me : 

About thirty years ago one of the laborers em- 
ployed by the government, while digging among the 
ruins, found a long flat marble slab on which appeared 
certain carved letters in an unknown language. Greek 
and Latin scholars in vain tried to translate the myste- 
rious words. Letters were sent to Rome asking the 
government to send its best scholars to Pompeii, in or- 
der that this vexed question might be settled. Scores 
of the most learned men came, but none of them were 
able to translate the strange sentences. Copies were 
despatched to all Oriental nations, in charge of reliable 
agents, with instructions to ask the assistance of those 
governments in unravelling this wonderful secret ; but 
after the useless expenditure of much money and labor, 
each nation declared itself unable to make any sense 
out of it. A copy was sent to London, to be com- 
pared with the Egyptian hieroglyphics in the British 
Museum, by which means, it was thought, some clue 
to the secret might be obtained. All the wise men of 
England became deeply interested in the vexatious 
question, and ransacked all the old manuscripts in the 
museum and the tower in the vain hope of finding a 
key to the secret; but all met with the same result, 
which was signal failure. 

After all hopes of ever being able to unravel the 
great secret had died away, my Wandering Jew was 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 225 

one clay seen gazing intently at the old slab. After 
looking at it for thirty minutes, he burst into a fit of 
convulsive laughter, and began to prance round as if 
overwhelmed with joy. His strange conduct attracted 
the attention of a large crowd of Roman scholars who 
had been fretting themselves half to death over the 
mysterious characters. 

" Can you read those characters ?" demanded an emi- 
nent professor who had been endeavoring to interpret 
them. 

"Certainly I can," replied my Jew. "It is the 
easiest thing in the world. Here is precisely what it 
says, — 

" ' man, blow thou thine own horn ; because, man, 
if thou dost not blow thine own horn, no man will blow 
thine horn for thee. Ergo, if thou blowest not thine own 
horn, it will not be blown at alV This inscription," 
continued the Wandering Jew, " is made in a peculiar 
language, which was never in common use by any na- 
tion or tribe. It consists of certain characters and dots 
invented by Moses and Joshua, to enable them to com- 
municate with their spies without letting their enemies 
get an idea of their military movements. If a spy got 
captured and the despatches fell into the enemy's hands, 
they gave him no information." 

I think I can truthfully say that no man ever visited 
Pompeii who got a more complete idea of its hidden 
mysteries and wonderful curiosities than I did, though 
it cost me dearly. I had to wind up my guide eleven 
times before I got through with my investigations, 
which cost me an average of one dollar per wind. 
P 



226 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

The streets are very narrow, the widest being about 
twenty feet. They are paved with huge blocks of lava, 
twelve by eighteen inches square, on which may be seen 
ruts cut by carriage-wheels, at least four inches deep, 
clearly showing that they were used for many centuries 
before the destruction of the city. The sidewalks are 
only four feet wide, leaving only twelve feet of car- 
riage-way in the widest street. The houses have no 
roofs, though the walls are sound and unbroken, af- 
fording the visitors a correct idea of the appearance 
they presented when occupied, twenty centuries ago. 

After seeing the paintings, statuary, household and 
kitchen furniture, table-ware, jewelry, carriage-wheels, 
corn-mills, baker-shops, prisons, theatres, temples, al- 
tars, fountains, cisterns, halls of justice, Forum, school- 
houses, dwelling-houses, surgical instruments, rolls of 
bread, sun-dials, oil-mills, baths, and a thousand other 
wonderful things, we are enabled to form a pretty cor- 
rect idea of the habits and the manners of the people 
who dwelt there when the city was destroyed. It 
would seem as if we could almost divine their thoughts ; 
in fact, we can understand their religious views and 
make a pretty sure guess at the rest. 

AVhile wandering through these deserted streets it 
was difficult to realize the fact that they had been unin- 
habited for eighteen hundred and four years. It is a 
very easy thing to say " eighteen hundred years," but 
when we come to ask ourselves the question, " What 
has happened during that time?" it begins to make us 
appreciate the vastness that might be comprehended in 
the answer given. Pompeii was buried fourteen hun- 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 227 

dred and thirteen years before Columbus discovered 
the American Continent, fourteen hundred and thirty 
years before Shakespeare was born, and sixteen hun- 
dred and ninety-seven years before the American Revo- 
lution. There are now in the United States fifty mil- 
lions of people, not one of whom lived when the 
American Revolution broke out, and yet Pompeii was 
destroyed over seventeen hundred years before any one 
of them was born. 

While my thoughts were running in that particular 
channel, I requested my Wandering Jew to ascertain 
by accurate calculation, and let me know, how many 
people had lived and died on the earth since Pompeii 
was buried. He borrowed my pencil and a sheet of 
paper, and instantly began the work, which he accom- 
plished to my entire satisfaction. 

" You will observe/ 7 said he, as he handed me the 
paper, " that I base my calculation on the idea that 
three generations hand in their checks every hundred 
years ; hence, eighteen hundred and four years gives us 
fifty-two generations, with a liberal fraction over, which 
I throw in for good measure. I estimate one whole 
generation at eight hundred millions, not counting 
Indians and government contractors. Then, you see, 
I multiply the entire population by the number of 
generations, which gives us the following accurate 
result : 416,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000}." 

I hope that the reader will understand that the above 
statement is not sworn to, as I have not had time to 
revise it. I know it cost me a bottle of wine, for my 
old Jew was run down, and had to be wined up as 



228 RAPID RAMBLINQS IN^EVROPE. 

soon as he finished it. I accused him of exaggeration, 
and charged him with adding too many ciphers, when 
he proposed to verify his calculation, but I could not 
spare the time, as I was bent on making a thorough 
investigation of the wonders of Pompeii. After wine- 
ing him up well, I ordered him to show me the Temple 
of Venus, which he did without a moment's delay. 
This is one of the grandest structures to be found in 
the city. It is located on an elevated plateau over- 
looking the rest of the city, and is encircled by a broad 
portico, supported by forty-eight beautiful marble col- 
umns of the Corinthian style. In this temple was 
found a magnificent statue of the goddess, admitted to 
be equal in point of beauty to anything of the sort in 
existence. In front stands the handsome altar on 
which floral offerings were made to the goddess. 

From this temple we went to the old Forum, toward 
which most of the streets of Pompeii converge, clearly 
showing that it was the business headquarters of the 
town, just as Wall Street is in New York. On three 
sides it has a spacious portico adorned with immense 
Doric columns. The building is five hundred and 
thirty feet in length by one hundred and twelve wide. 
The walls are scribbled over with unintelligible char- 
acters, just as we often see on public buildings of the 
present age. The house is shaped very much like the 
Stock Exchange at New York. 

The old prison has innumerable dark and dismal- 
looking cells. The excavators found several skeletons 
here with shackles on their limbs, showing they were 
prisoners when the storm of fire destroyed the town. 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 229 

On the walls of one of the public buildings was 
found the following inscription : 

"The gladiatorial troupe of Suettius will fight at 
Pompeii on the last day of May. There will be a 
chase of wild beasts, and awnings to protect spectators 
from the sun." 

How does this compare with advertisements of the 
present day ? 

" The Mary Anderson troupe will play ' Ingomar' 
at Pompeii on the last day of May. New scenery and 
handsome drop-curtain painted by Maverena Carrabo- 
lena." 

When we come to investigate things very closely, 
we find there is not very much difference, after all. 

Prominent among the curiosities to be seen in Pom- 
peii is the basilica, rendered more interesting on 
account of the amount of scribbling done on its walls 
by people who lived before the Christian era. One of 
the inscriptions has the writer's name attached to it, — 
Pumidius, who scratched his name there in B.C. 79, 
just one hundred and fifty-eight years before the 
destruction of the city. 

It was with feelings of the deepest interest that we 
sauntered through the vast semicircular arena of the 
grand theatre, because we know that it was filled with 
thousands of spectators when the storm of hot stones 
and ashes began to fall on the doomed city. The stage 
in many respects resembles those in modern theatres, 
and the groove arranged to admit the rise and fall of 
the curtain may be seen there yet. A recess made for 
the orchestra appears on one side, near the stage, while 



230 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

the tiers of seats were arranged one above another, 
precisely as we see them at the present day in all the- 
atres. All the seats were plainly numbered and laid 
off into different divisions, each compartment being 
reached by an aisle about four feet wide. Near the 
top, far above the other five tiers of seats, is situated 
the women's gallery. 

In one respect the Italians have not changed since 
the destruction of Pompeii. They treat women as 
inferior beings now as they did twenty-five hundred 
years ago. Most of the agricultural labor is performed 
by females, while the men enjoy themselves drinking 
wine and beer, and sleeping in the shade. 

The small theatre at Pompeii is very like the 
other ; it could seat only fifteen hundred persons. It 
is shaped very much like, and is about the size of, 
Niblo's Garden Theatre. The marble seats remain 
now as they did before the destruction of the city. 

The soldiers' barracks has mess-rooms, guard-rooms, 
officers' quarters, armory, and various other conven- 
iences not unlike modern buildings erected for the 
same purposes. Sixty-three skeletons were exhumed 
from under the floor of this building, also many imple- 
ments of war, such as were used by military men twenty 
centuries ago. 

Near the small theatre we saw the Sculptor's House, 
in which were found the implements of his trade, such 
as saws, compasses, hammers, chisels, squares, and mal- 
lets. I am sure there is scarcely a particle of differ- 
ence between the size, shape, and appearance of those 
tools, and such as are used by sculptors in these days. 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 231 

In the Temple of Isis was found the skeleton of a 
man with an axe lying by his side, with which it is 
believed he vainly tried to cut his way out of the 
house. He was a priest, whose duty it was to prepare 
and place the sacrifices on the altar. I suppose he 
relied on his pagan deity to save him, but, finding that 
individual unable to stop the fiery shower, he resorted 
to other means when it was too late. Judging from 
the axe-marks on the wall, I concluded that he had 
done some vigorous work before he surrendered. 
Madame Isis ought not to have abandoned her priest 
in his hour of peril. He relied on her, and she failed 
to answer the call. 

A majority of the houses are floored with mosaic ; 
some of them are elegantly finished and adorned with 
the pictures of birds and animals wrought in them. 
The images are made by inserting little square blocks 
of different colored marble, which looks as bright and 
fresh as if fabricated yesterday. And above all other 
wonder to me was the fresh brightness of the colors of 
the frescos on the walls. Some of the pictures are 
uninjured, while others have partially disappeared. 

Judging from the shape and size of the houses, the 
elegance of their finish, the costly mosaics, fine paint- 
ings and statuary, splendidly-carved columns, beauti- 
ful fountains, gorgeously-finished temples, well-paved 
streets, spacious gardens, and splendid baths, I was 
convinced that Pompeii was a most beautiful city and 
inhabited by a wealthy population who possessed good 
sense, ingenuity, and excellent taste. The guide says 
they have fifteen laborers constantly at work on the 



232 RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. 

excavations ; but that was probably false. They have 
fifteen men hired to sleep, and they were diligently 
performing that important duty all the time I was 
there. If the archangel will not blow his last trump 
before the end of the next ten thousand years, they 
may perhaps finish the excavation with the present 
force by that time. During the last two years they 
have exhumed the skeleton of two dogs, one rooster, 
and a small one-legged Venus, and have stumbled 
against the bones of a donkey. If the skeleton of that 
animal ever sees the light, it is my opinion reinforce- 
ments will have to be called in. 

The fate that befell Sodom and Gomorrah was pre- 
cisely that which destroyed Pompeii aud Herculaneum. 
The two former cities were destroyed by fire and brim- 
stone on account of the wickedness of their people; the 
two latter were overwhelmed with fire and brimstone 
for reasons not explicitly stated. Vesuvius never fails 
to send up a reasonable supply of brimstone, when she 
becomes angry, and always mixes it with her fire, when 
she concludes to overthrow a town. The pumice-stones 
that rained down on Pompeii and Herculaneum are ex- 
actly like those found at Sodom and Gomorrah. If 
any one should set out to find a reason why God con- 
cluded to destroy Pompeii, let him look at the grand 
theatre, where five thousand people were watching pa- 
gan gladiators killing one another, or shouting with 
joy w r hile a lion or a tiger gnawed the flesh from the 
bones of a Christian, at the very moment when the 
fiery storm began. If this is not reason enough, let 
him get permission to visit that portion of the city 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 233 

which is not shown to the public generally. This will 
make him wonder why the destruction was so long de- 
layed. Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed three 
thousand eight hundred years ago, and they will no 
doubt be exhumed some day, just as Pompeii has 
already been. Those two cities were not submerged by 
the waters of the Dead Sea, as has been generally be- 
lieved. De Saulcy, after thorough examination of the 
premises, says that the sites of Sodom and Gomorrah 
are on the west shore of the Dead Sea, where he found 
extensive ruins at the side of the mountain of Usdum ; 
and about a mile and a half farther to the northwest 
he found other ruins. Large quantities of lava, pumice- 
stones, and sulphur are found in these localities. Any 
one who will take the trouble to make an investigation 
will certainly become convinced that the awful fate of 
Pompeii was in no respect different from that of Sodom 
and Gomorrah. 

There is one noticeable feature about the destruction 
of Pompeii which I do not remember to have read 
about. The deluge of fire and ashes was confined to 
the city limits, or nearly so. It extended but a very 
short distance outside of the walls, so that when the 
debris was carted away, it left the city high on an ele- 
vated plateau, instead of below the surface of the earth 
around it. Toward the end of the third century an- 
other city was built on top of the debris which covered 
Pompeii. This new city was destroyed in a.d. 471 in 
precisely the same way Pompeii had been three hun- 
dred and ninety-two years before ; consequently, Pom- 
peii was doubly buried. Yet it seems remarkably 

20* 



234 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

strange that it should have remained for nearly 
eighteen hundred years undiscovered. Suppose J Bos- 
ton or Cincinnati were to be buried in the same way 
Pompeii was. Some enterprising speculator would 
have a higli picket-fence round the premises in less 
than a month's time, with an advertisement over the 
entrance-gate something like this : 

" Wonderful exhibition ! Buried city exhumed ! 
Fifteen hundred skeletons found ! Furniture, jewels, 
and pictures in perfect state of preservation ! Admis- 
sion, 50 cents; children, half price. A liberal deduc- 
tion will be made in favor of public schools and 
churches. Doors open from 9 A.M. to 6 p.m. Mem- 
bers of the press and ministers free. 

"Koderick Dodsox, Ticket Agent." 

After giving my Wandering Jew a fresh winding 
up, I directed him to show me Diomede's villa, which he 
proceeded to do at once. Having read Bulwer's "Last 
Days of Pompeii," I felt deeply interested in every- 
thing connected with his splendid descriptions. After 
an exhaustive examination of the villa, I concluded 
not to attempt a description of it. I could not do it 
without trespassing on territory long ago pre-empted 
by the famous novelist. 

A charming villa, situated a short distance from the 
town, supposed to have been the property of Cicero, is 
undoubtedly one of the greatest curiosities to be seen 
here. A fish-pond occupied a central court surrounded 
by numerous halls paved with mosaic, while the walls 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 235 

are literally covered with elegant paintings looking 
fresh and bright. It seems to me that Cicero might 
have enjoyed life better here at this handsome villa than 
he did while catching panthers for his friend Cselius. 

I was not aware of the fact that eighteen hundred 
years ago fruit was preserved in glass jars just as we do 
it now, but, nevertheless, it is a fact. There is a street 
here named Dried Fruit Street, where were found large 
quantities of fruits of all kinds preserved in glass cans. 

We visited a baker's shop, where were found all the 
implements of his trade. The oven, ash-pit, dough- 
troughs, containing flour and dough, were in a perfect 
state of preservation. A loaf of bread, stamped with 
the baker's name, was found here. The letters on the 
roll, translated into English, read thus : " This is Caius 
Glunicus's loaf." The stamp with which the letters 
were made is in the museum. It looks very much like 
the branding-irons used in the present age. 

" That is the same sort of hard bread with which 
Italian hotel-keepers are now feeding their guests," said 
I, as I examined the Pompeii specimen. 

" Yes," said my old Jew, as he gave a comical wink 
with his left eye. " Do you remember anything that 
is shaped exactly like that loaf of bread ?" 

II It is precisely the shape of a donkey's jaw-bone," 
I replied. 

" Just so ; you have guessed correctly. I have been 
unjustly accused of irreverence because I said that 
Samson killed the Philistines with a roll of Italian 
bread. These people are killing Yankees with the 
same sort of weapons every day now. The Philistines, 



236 RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. 

in speaking of Italian bread, always called it ' Donkey- 
jaw bread ;' and when Samson broke so many of their 
skulls with a loaf of it, the rumor went abroad that he 
had killed them with the jaw-bone of an ass. What 
better weapon would any one want than a loaf of 
Italian bread ? It is a two-edged sword that cuts both 
ways. Let a man eat it, and it kills him ; but if you 
are in a hurry, and cannot wait for the slow demise 
from ruined digestion, just break his head with a roll 
of it, and move on to your next man." 

I severely reprimanded my Jew for alluding to scrip- 
tural incidents in terms of so much levity. He ap- 
peared to be deeply grieved at my displeasure, and 
promised never to repeat the offence. 

There are on exhibition many fine bronze statues 
that were exhumed here, among which is one of Apollo, 
particularly worthy of notice. He is in the act of sac- 
rificing Niobe and her children. 

The manner in which the mechanics and the arti- 
sans advertised their business is ludicrous as well as 
peculiar. A surgeon hoists a painted sign representing 
himself in the act of amputating a patient's leg or arm ; 
a dentist is seen pulling a tooth ; a barber, shaving 
his customer ; a tailor, sewing on a garment ; a carpen- 
ter, pushing a saw ; a painter, handling his brush and 
easel, and so forth. 

One of the principal highways is called the Street of 
Fortune, because an immense amount of fine jewels 
were found in it, among which may be seen costly silver 
vases, bells, and buckles exactly like those manufac- 
tured in modern times. Inkstands, silver spoons, scis- 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 237 

sors, pastry-moulds, locks, hinges, — in fact, innumera- 
ble articles of nearly every sort were unearthed here. 
The corn-mill with its stone runners stands just as it 
did when Pompeii was doomed. The mill was run by 
donkey-power, and the bones of the donkeys were 
found in the mill-house, showing that they were at 
work when the fiery deluge fell. Fishing-nets com- 
pletely whole were found. In a drug-store were dis- 
covered a box of pills and a roll of medicine ready to 
be put up. 

It is impossible for one to wander through the streets 
of Pompeii without feeling as if he were walking in 
the midst of a population then living. To see their 
houses, fountains, furniture, tools, pictures, statues, 
shops, mills, and other articles of domestic use, makes 
us feel as if we were face to face with the inhabitants. 
The truth is, my imagination did more work while I 
was in Pompeii than it ever before did in six months. 

There is a public fountain here, walled up about 
three feet high, forming a large basin, into which water 
was conveyed by leaden pipes, which still remain in 
their places. Near the place where the water spouted 
into the pool the stone has been worn down at least 
three inches by the hands of people who bent over to 
drink the water. How many millions of hands must 
have rested there in order to wear such a deep trough 
in a solid rock ! 

This unmistakably proves that the fountain had 
been built there many centuries before the destruction 
of the city. There was no Mount Vesuvius near 
Pompeii when that town was buried; there was 



238 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

nothing but a small round hill, not more than one- 
third as high as Mount Vesuvius, which was covered 
with magnificent villas belonging to wealthy Romans, 
who resorted there to enjoy the delightful summer air. 
A small crater from which no great amount of lava 
ever came existed; it was called La Somma. The 
present lofty Mount Vesuvius has been built up by 
the lava that was from time to time cast up. There 
must be a vast empty space from whence all that ma- 
terial came. It is my opinion that Naples sits on a 
mere shell of earth. She may stand until doomsday, 
but I would rather pitch my tent a little farther away 
from Vesuvius. 

Among the curiosities preserved in the museum is a 
theatre ticket, such as was used at the grand theatre at 
Pompeii. 

We spent but a short while at Herculaneum on our 
return from Pompeii. The town has been rebuilt, 
hence nothing of its wonders can be seen except such 
as are in a small museum. 

Pompeii was discovered long before Herculaneum. 
It is said that an innkeeper undertook to dig a hole to 
set up his sign-post, when his spade struck the dome 
of the grand old Forum. The hole not being deep 
enough, he began another, when he hit Jupiter's Tem- 
ple. Being determined to make the hole deep enough 
for his sign-post, he picked a hole through the dome, 
and found a buried city. 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 239 



CHAPTER XIX. 

Early on the morning of the 4th we boarded a 
snug little yacht and set sail for the historic island of 
Capri, where we arrived after a delightful ride of three 
hours. The scenery that burst on the view on every 
side as we swiftly glided over the dark-blue waters of 
the Mediterranean was incomparably grand and pic- 
turesque. On the left, with a field-glass, we could 
get an unobstructed view of Vesuvius, which appeared 
to be not over a mile away. We were told that an 
eruption was daily expected, which was evidenced by 
the increased volume of steam that constantly escaped 
from the crater, as well as by the ominous rumblings 
that often made the earth tremble. 

The crater, as viewed from the deck of the yacht, 
looked indescribably grand. A straight column of 
white steam rose perpendicularly to the clouds, while 
at an interval of every three minutes a bright red 
flame of fire would shoot high above the cone, then 
suddenly disappear. At night, from my window, I 
could see the huge, round, red flame much more dis- 
tinctly than it could be seen in daylight. 

Naples, as seen from a distance of two miles, pre- 
sents a picture of beauty that pen cannot well describe, 
nor the skill of an artist accurately paint. I would 
much rather see it from a distance than smell it from 
the streets. 



240 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

Our yacht halted close to the famous blue grotto, 
in order to afford the passengers an opportunity of 
visiting it. The entrance being only three feet high 
and five feet wide, we were instructed to stoop very 
low, lest our heads might hurt the rocks. We were 
carried through the small door in diminutive boats, 
only three persons to each one. I hesitate not to 
pronounce this grotto one of the strangest curiosities 
I have beheld since I came to Italy. No sooner had 
we passed through the little door than the usual excla- 
mations of wonder were uttered by the ladies. 

" Well, did you ever !" cried Effie. 

" No, never," cried Miss Bell. 

" Hardly ever," remarked Miss Stevenson. 

" I don't care if I never do," said Dick. 

" It is wonderful," dryly remarked the Judge. 

"Very remarkable," replied Chittenden. 

" I bets de wine dot it don't can be beat," exclaims 
Charley. 

The water inside the grotto, although the same as 
that outside, is as different from it in appearance as a 
cloud is different from a clear sky. I suppose it is the 
reflection cast from the high-vaulted roof that tinges 
the water its light-azure hue. I am sure I never be- 
held a color more beautiful. The water was perfectly 
transparent, so that small fish could be distinctly seen 
at a distance of forty feet below the surface ; indeed, 
any little object cast into the water would be magnified 
into a double size. The grotto covered a space of 
about two hundred feet square, the roof seemingly 
about thirty feet high. On one side of the wall was a 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 241 

large niche, looking like the altar in the Temple of 
Jupiter at Pompeii, on which stood a man clad in 
white garments, resembling a ghost more than any liv- 
ing creature. He was proposing to leap into the water 
and dive twenty feet below the surface for a certain- 
named consideration. I held up a franc, which I dis- 
tinctly offered him on condition that he would recon- 
sider his proposition and not jump in. No sooner had 
he seen the franc than in he plunged, making a noise 
like the report of artillery. As soon as he returned to 
the surface he demanded my franc, pretending to have 
understood me to say I would give it to see him leap 
in. I paid the franc, but shall endeavor to profit by 
the lesson. 

It is but a short distance from this grotto to the 
Rock of Tiberius, a lofty crag that rises perpendicu- 
larly out of the water to a height of seven hundred 
feet. It is said that the Emperor Tiberius utilized 
this rock by pitching his enemies from its lofty crest. 
It seems to me he took upon himself unnecessary 
trouble by bringing his enemies here to kill them, 
when he might have despatched them nearer home. 
If I had been there at the time, I would have rented 
my Tarpeian Rock to him at reasonable rates. Many 
a sentimental poet has sung about this rock, and the 
famous blue grotto. 

When we arrived at Capri, we found an excellent 
Fourth-of-July collation prepared for us at the hotel. 
Innumerable toasts were drunk, and several sky-scrap- 
ing speeches made, conspicuous among which was 
the one delivered by the author, in response to the 
L q 21 



242 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

toast proposed by the Judge, — " The United States of 
America." I paralyzed the audience at the start with 
my wonderful outburst of eloquence. In point of fact, 
I petrified them, enchanted them, and overwhelmed 
them by the spontaneous flow of patriotic sentiments 
which I discharged at them. I expatiated on the 
telephone, the telegraph, the steamboat, the railroad, 
the Constitution, describing them as the lawful product 
of American brain and American enterprise in terms 
of burning eloquence. I soared high above common 
things, and would have achieved a grand success but 
for Dick's uncontrollable wit. 

" Look at these downtrodden women of Italy," said 
I ; " see them trudging along under the scorching 
rays of a July sun, carrying loads that would break 
a donkey's back. Who ever saw such a sight under 
the proud wing of the American eagle? A woman is 
the apple of the American's eye ; a woman is an Amer- 
ican's queen ; a woman is an American's alpha and 
omega ; she is his triumphant conqueror, his dictator, 
his enchanter ; in point of fact, she is his — er-er-er. 
His — er. Ladies and gentlemen, you all know that 
she is — er-er-er. Ah, hem ! She is his — er-er. I 
was about to observe that — er — that — er — " 

" That the villain still pursued her !" cried Dick. 

The spell was broken ; I was effectually quashed, 
floored; and amid loud shouts of laughter I retired 
from the stand. 

A toast to the memory of Garibaldi was responded 
to by a veteran soldier who had fought with him in 
most of his battles. He spoke in the Italian language, 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 243 

which was translated into English by Charley. The 
veteran's speech was nearly as good as mine, and the 
final wind-up much better. Take it all in all, we had 
a real good time at Capri. 

The little island, though very small, contains a pop- 
ulation of five thousand. The climate is delightful, 
and thousands of Roman citizens used to resort here to 
enjoy its health-giving qualities. The Emperor Au- 
gustus resided here many years. Tiberius owned a 
villa here, where he spent much of his time, while he 
amused himself by pitching men from the top of the 
lofty rock. The island is a little over nine miles in 
circumference. Olives, grapes, and other fruits grow 
here abundantly, while red coral is sold by the inhab- 
itants nearly as cheaply as wheat. 

I had heard that Capri was famous for the beauty of 
its women, and I am now convinced that her title to 
that distinction is unquestionably good. Hundreds of 
pretty black-eyed maidens, with long curly black hair, 
tall, shapely forms, and olive complexions, mingled 
with our party, offering coral and grapes for sale. 
Dick was captured by a charming lass, who suc- 
ceeded in selling all her stock of coral to him; and 
I believe she could have sold him a ton if she had had 
it on hand. He offered her five francs for a kiss, but 
she said that Clankylinky would not like it. I did 
not learn who Clankylinky was, but supposed he was 
her lover. 

We took leave of this romantic island at four p.m., 
and landed at Naples at six o'clock. A ludicrous farce 
was enacted by the revenue-officer when we stepped 



244 RAPID E AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

off of the boat. Each member of the party had pur- 
chased a few trifling articles, such as coral, olive-wood, 
caskets, paper-cutters, and so forth. An officer com- 
manded Dick, Chittenden, and I to march to his office, 
which w r e did. I thought that some grave crime was 
about to be charged against us. Locks and keys, 
chains, handcuffs, iron doors, and dismal dungeons 
passed in rapid review before my bewildered mind. 
What on earth have we done ? Has Dick been put- 
ting up some of his nonsensical jobs on anybody? Has 
lie insulted that pretty girl at Capri? Maybe Chitten- 
den has committed some offence ? All these questions 
intruded themselves on my mind. When we reached 
the office, we were handed over to a grim, old, hook- 
nosed Italian, who muttered half a dozen unintelligi- 
ble sentences. But I thought he said, " Away to 
prison with them !" In that respect I was mistaken. 
Our baggage was examined, and the enormous sum of 
five cents demanded as import duties on the cargo of 
goods we had brought from Capri, — not five cents 
apiece, but the whole invoice was charged with but 
five cents. We paid the exorbitant levy, and rejoined 
our companions, who were sorely frightened about our 
doubtful fate. 

When we got in sight of our hotel we were delighted 
to see the Stars and Stripes gracefully floating from a 
staff at the top. Three long, loud, hearty cheers then 
rent the air. When an American is travelling among 
strangers in a foreign land, nothing will more quickly 
make his heart leap with joy than a sight of his coun- 
try's flag. The truth is, the American flag in itself 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 245 

presents a more beautiful appearance than that of any- 
other I have yet seen, leaving patriotic partiality out 
of the question. 

We found another Fourth of July diuner awaiting 
as at the hotel, while the dining-room was handsomely 
adorned with innumerable little flags surrounding the 
American eagle. Italians can, when they try, beat the 
workHn beautifying everything, — and, as to hospitality, 
they cannot be beat. Some of their customs I do not 
admire, — their bread I do not like, and their mode of 
preparing food does not suit my taste ; but they mean 
well, and I appreciate and give them credit for their 
good intentions. 

"We managed to eat two Fourth-of-July dinners, 
while we astonished the citizens with a sort of elo- 
quence entirely new to them. I think that toward the 
close of the day the conversation and the speeches 
sounded a little fuddled. We did not get drunk, 
though. We went to bed before the drunk came on. 



CHAPTEE XX. 

ASCENT OF MOUNT VESUVIUS. 

The sun rose in a cloudless sky on the morning of 
the 5th of July, greatly to the joy of the brigade that 
had fixed on that day to make the ascent of Mount 
Vesuvius. We had been told that it was unsafe to 

21* 



246 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

approach near to the crater in stormy weather, espe- 
cially when the volcano was threatening an eruption, 
as was the case at that time ; consequently, we were de- 
lighted to find the indications favorable. 

Three open carriages had been engaged to start with 
the party at seven o'clock, but it was eight before we 
got off. On arriving at the base of the mountain the 
teams were doubled, and the ascent began, the proces- 
sion moving along at the rate of three miles an hour 
over a smooth, gravelled road, which wound and twisted 
about among vast streams of lava, romantic crags, and 
deep ravines. The road is so built that the up grade 
is not very steep, but regular and easy. The distance 
actually travelled is perhaps five or six times greater 
than that of an air-line. From the base to the cone 
the soil is rich and alluvial, and that portion not cov- 
ered with lava is thickly dotted with trees, flowers, 
grass, and wild clover. 

I have read innumerable descriptions of the ascent 
of Mount Vesuvius, and nearly all of them have ex- 
aggerated the difficulties attending it. The most deli- 
cate lady might accomplish the journey without the 
slightest inconvenience. It is tedious, but by no means 
fatiguing. We were carried up with as much ease and 
comfort as if we had been travelling on a level road. 
The superb grandeur of the scenery was of such a char- 
acter as to make us forget everything else, except the 
army of beggars who swarmed round us on every side. 
These proved to be the most intolerable nuisance that any 
one ever encountered. Vast crowds of men, women, and 
children marched for miles up the mountain, clamor- 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 247 

ing, screaming, and crying for help. Several little half- 
naked boys trotted along by our carriage, every now 
and then turning a somersault on the hard rocks, and 
demanding a sou for each exhibition. A dozen women, 
bare-headed, bare-footed, with long black dishevelled 
hair streaming down their backs, marched at least four 
miles in the hot sun, persistently begging for help. In 
their arms some of them carried sickly-looking infants, 
whose sore eyes were besieged by myriads of flies. We 
gave them a few francs, hoping to get rid of them, but 
our generosity seemed only to encourage them. We 
requested Charley to offer them a certain sum of money 
to go back and let us alone, but no, they positively 
refused to leave us. We were advised not to give them 
any money, or to pay any attention to them, but the 
advice came too late. Finally, a handsome young man 
took a stick, drove the whole crowd away, and took his 
position by the side of our carriage as a volunteer guide. 
We, of course, felt grateful to him, and gave him to 
understand as much by bows and smiles, accompanied 
with half a dozen sous. Alas ! that was a fatal mis- 
take. My barque was then launched on a dangerous sea, 
as the sequel showed. He proved to be the most art- 
ful strategist I ever met. He laid his plans deliber- 
ately, and executed them with a skill surpassing that 
of the most renowned military chief. The first Napo- 
leon never planned a battle with greater skill and de- 
liberation than did our handsome champion arrange his 
scheme of robbery. He singled me out as his victim, 
wisely judging from my personal appearance that I was 
a soft customer, which, alas ! proved too true. He 



248 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

gathered half a dozen blossoms (dog-fennel blooms, I 
think they were), and, bowing humbly, presented them 
to Effie, who, smiling sweetly on him, received the floral 
offering. That was another fatal mistake. To the best 
of my knowledge, recollection, and belief, that smile cost 
me one dollar and seventy-five cents. A cyclone of dog- 
fennel blooms now fell on Effie's lap. Clover-blossoms, 
green grass-blades, chestnut blooms, leaves, twigs, frag- 
ments of lava, and a hundred worthless articles too nu- 
merous to mention, rained in the carriage like a falling 
deluge. He was all the while expatiating in most elo- 
quent terms in praise of the flowers. Finally, he de- 
manded pay for his labor ; and when I remonstrated, he 
appealed to the other beggars. Every one of them de- 
clared that I had ordered the flowers to be gathered. I 
paid the money demanded, as the shortest way out of 
the difficulty. He proved to be the grand chief of 
the army of beggars, who had instructed them to get 
all the money they could, when he was to come for- 
ward, drive them off, and make the closing grab. 

As an abstract principle, I know it is wrong to curse ; 
it is a vulgar habit ; but there are certain circumstances 
that will extenuate, if they do not justify, the crime. 
Anyway, I made up my mind to curse the beggar-chief. 
It was useless to curse him in English, for he could 
not understand it; consequently, I offered a dollar to a 
man to teach me how to curse him in his own lan- 
guage. The man told me what words to use if I de- 
sired to give him a real sound cursing. My teacher 
told me that the vilest epithet I could hurl at the chief 
was to call him a pkizseeinarinkee. At least, I think 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 249 

that was the word, though I may be mistaken about 
it. He gave me several other words, assuring me 
that they were the strongest and the most scathing 
known to the Italian language. I pronounced them 
again and again in my teacher's presence, until he ex- 
pressed himself satisfied that I was now perfectly pre- 
pared for the occasion. I gladly paid the dollar, and 
without delay sought an interview with the chief, de- 
termined to ease my mind by giving him a good curs- 
ing. I found him near the little hotel that stands at 
the base of the cone. I threw half a dozen of the 
smallest curse-words at him at first, and then paused, 
in order to let him wince under them a while, intend- 
ing to pitch the double and twisted epithets at him as 
a parting salute. He bowed, scraped, and smiled, and 
appeared to be very humble. I then hurled phizzee- 
marinlcee into his teeth, and followed it up by a dozen 
horrible phrases which my teacher had given me. 
Tears at once began to glisten in his eyes. He abso- 
lutely touched the ground with his left knee, seized 
my hand, and pressed it to his lips. I never saw such 
abject submission. He muttered a few unintelligible 
words which I supposed were meant for an apology, — 
tears still fell from his eyes. " Poor fellow !" thought 
I ; "he is very sorry for what he has done, and is beg- 
ging me to forgive him." My conscience began to ac- 
cuse me of rashness. I could not bear to see the poor, 
repentant creature shedding tears, so I abruptly left 
him. 

An hour after I returned to Naples that evening a 
bell boy entered my room, telling me that a man was 



250 RAPID RA MB LINGS IN EUROPE. 

waiting to see me down-stairs. I instantly went down, 
when, lo and behold ! there stood the beggar-chief, 
who, smiling blandly, held out his hand and demanded 
three francs. I could stand it no longer. I did some 
real plain English cursing then and there. 

There is no telling what might have happened but 
for Charley's timely appearance. 

" What bees der matter?" 

" This villain demands three francs ; says I invited 
him to call at my hotel at six o'clock to receive his 
money, all of which is an infernal falsehood." 

Charley then addressed a few words to the chief in 
his own language, to which he promptly replied. 

" Colonel/' said Charley, " he say dot he prove dot 
you told him to come for de money." 

" But I say it is false. I gave him a genteel 
cursing." 

"What did you say to him, colonel?" politely in- 
quired the landlord, who spoke English plainly. 

I then repeated the identical words that my teacher 
had told me to use ; and, filling my lungs with a fresh 
supply of air, I again threw the words at the chief. 

" Very well ; you are in for it," replied the landlord. 
"According to your own statement you have apolo- 
gized to this man for treating him rudely this morning, 
and invited him to meet you here at six o'clock, promis- 
ing to pay him three francs more." 

" Dot be so, colonel," said Charley. 

Here was a pretty mess I had cooked for myself. 
Instead of cursing the chief, I had made an humble 
apology to him, had begged his pardon, had invited 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 251 

him to come to my hotel to get more money, and, to 
cap the climax of absurdity, had paid a man a dollar 
to teach me how to make the apology. I paid the 
money, treated the whole crowd, acknowledged myself 
a dunce, and have quit cursing even in my own lan- 
guage. I am now a meek, submissive man who would 
not curse a fly if it were to light on my nose. Provi- 
dence has justly punished me for my wicked intentions, 
which I hope will in the end prove a good lesson to 
me. "With these few remarks I will resume my story. 

It was some time after noon when we reached the 
little hotel at the base of the cone from whence we 
were to be pulled up by steam-power. We entered the 
hotel, washed the dust from our eyes, ordered luncheon 
to be prepared for us by the time we should come 
down from the mountain, and set about making ready 
to continue the ascent. Five sous were demanded 
from each person for a bowl of water and the use of a 
towel ; two sous for soap. 

When Dick was called on for the five sous, he paid it 
without a murmur; so he did when the two sous were 
demanded for soap ; but when a sou was demanded for 
a glass of water, he declared that " this thing was be- 
coming monotonous." He called for a match to light 
a cigar, for which a charge of one sou was made ; he 
took a seat in a chair, when another sou was called for ; 
he seized a brush and dusted his coat, for which he had 
to pay another sou. He handed the man a small silver 
coin, and when the change was presented, said, — 

"Never mind the change, just keep it. I will want 
to sneeze directly, and I'll pay for it in advance. It is 



252 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE, 

troublesome to be constantly feeling in one's jacket for 
coppers." 

I do not think they bothered Dick any more that day. 

We were just thirteen minutes in making the ascent 
from the lower to the upper terminus of the railroad, 
a distance of eight hundred yards, going an up-grade 
of forty degrees, which looked very much like a real 
perpendicular ride. One coach goes up while another 
comes down, being pulled up by a stationary engine 
fixed at the lower terminus. Large wire ropes passing 
on iron rollers extend from one end of the road to the 
other, by which the coaches are drawn up and down. 
Our party had to be divided, as all could not be carried 
up at once. 

When we arrived at the upper end of the railroad, 
a walk of fifteen minutes brought us to the crater. 
The moment we stepped upon the outer rim of the 
crest we were in full view of the crater, which the 
guides declared was unusually angry. Five minutes 
elapsed before any one of our party uttered a word. 
They stood still and gazed at the wonderful sight as if 
almost paralyzed by its awful grandeur. At length 
Effie broke forth with the usual, — 

" Did you ever I" Miss Bell was about to make the 
old familiar reply, when Dick said, — 

"Stop, for heaven's sake! Don't use those tame 
expressions here; they can't do justice to the subject. 
Try to think of some grand, eloquent words better 
suited to the occasion." 

" Yes," exclaimed Miss Stevenson ; " say it is awful, 
horrible, monstrous, and absolutely sublime." 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 253 

"That's the ticket/' rejoined Dick; "it is paralyzing, 
petrifying, infernal. In fact, if it were not wicked, I 
would say it is hell broke loose." 

" He beat de bob de tail," exclaimed Charley. 

" It is the opinion of the Court that Charley goes 
head," remarked the judge. " He has expressed the 
sentiments of the Court exactly." 

Every member of the party put his or her most 
eloquent words on duty, giving an expression of opinion 
in energetic terms. 

The general appearance of the crater was not at all 
like that which I expected. The surface of the earth 
was covered with a bright-yellow coat of sulphur, look- 
ing like little waves of gold-dust that had been sud- 
denly brought to a halt. Little jets of hot steam were 
escaping through innumerable small crevices in the 
rocks, making it quite hazardous to walk among them, 
because the rocks were very hot. While I was intently 
gazing at the crater, I felt my left foot begin to burn, 
and I found I had been standing on one of the little 
fissures, and that the sole of my boot was badly dam- 
aged. 

At short intervals — say once in every three minutes 
— large quantities of red-hot lava would be thrown 
high above the crater, some of which would drop back 
into its mouth, while portions would fall on the ground 
outside. Every discharge was preceded by a loud 
rumbling noise like very distant thunder, while the 
earth trembled violently. These signs are considered 
by the natives as ominous warnings of an approaching 
eruption. 

22 



254 RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. 

As the vast lumps of lava flew upward, they assumed 
all sorts of fantastic shapes, constantly changing from 
one to another. 

" Look at that elephant !" cried Effie, as a huge lump 
went hissing through the air. " Don't you distinctly 
see its snout and its legs?" 

" Yonder goes a red dog," exclaimed Dick, pointing 
to the left. " Now it is a goat ; see his crooked horns." 

" Here is a donkey," said Miss Bell. " Don't you 
see it?" 

" Now it's a camel," replied Miss Stevenson ; " there 
is the hump on its back." 

By a slight stretch of the fancy one could see a whole 
zoological garden of animals dancing, rolling, and 
tumbling high above the crater. 

We got close enough to look down into the small 
crater, where we saw a sea of boiling lava constantly 
muttering, blubbering, and hissing, presenting to the 
eye a sight never to be forgotten. I cannot imagine 
anything worthy to be compared with it. It was like 
a stormy ocean suddenly changed from water into 
flaming fire. 

" I am now convinced that there is a hell," exclaimed 
Dick, as he looked down on this turbid mass of boiling 
lava. " I never believed it before." 

" Dis bees de hell hisself," cried Charley. 

" Correct again," said the Judge. " The Court is of 
the opinion that you have a reliable judgment." 

We kept inching along toward the grand crater 
against the advice of our guides, and, as the sequel 
proved, we triumphantly acted the fool. We had 




THE FAMOUS RETREAT FROM MT. VESUVIUS. 

Page 255. 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 255 

reached a point within a few feet of the edge of the 
opening, when all of a sudden a noise like the dis- 
charge of a battery of artillery thundered on our ears, 
while the earth violently shook beneath our feet, and 
up went a thousand huge lumps of hissing lava twice 
as high as we had seen any go before. I am convinced 
that the speed I made in running away from that crater 
then would do to bet on in a foot-race. Dick said that 
a game of marbles could have been played on the skirt 
of my coat, that stood out behind as I ran. Up to 
that time I had been under the impression that I pos- 
sessed a small amount of courage ; that was a grand 
mistake. I shall always remember the thoughts that 
rapidly chased each other through my mind as I hur- 
ried away. "An eruption has begun; being a swift 
runner, I may possibly escape, but the rest are gone 
beyond question. I alone will be left to tell the heart- 
rending story." A lump of lava as large as a donkey 
fell within ten feet of Effie and Miss Bell, while smaller 
fragments came raining down thick in the midst of the 
brigade. The truth is, we were all badly frightened ; 
it was a regular stampede. 

The Judge promoted me to the head of the class for 
the gallant manner in which I led the retreat. Mrs. 
Greeno bravely stood her ground, but hoisted her um- 
brella to keep off the falling lava. Dick ran the wrong 
way, and would have plunged into the crater but for 
the tall rim of hot lava that bordered the abyss. He 
at first tried to make it appear that he stood his ground 
because he was not scared, but that fabric was too thin. 
Then he said he ran back toward the crater because he 



256 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

saw that the shower of lava was falling away from it. 
This sounded a little better, but I do not think anybody 
believed a word of it. 

As soon as information of the fact that Mrs. Greeno 
had hoisted her umbrella to catch the falling lava 
reached the ears of the Judge, he ordered her to go 
head of the class, which, of course, ousted me from that 
distinguished position. I had always, up to that mo- 
ment, considered the Judge impartial, but I thought it 
was unjust to xieprive me of the laurels I had won by 
making the best speed on record, and that, too, while 
leading the brigade out of danger, just as I used to lead 
my regiment out of danger during the last war. 

The descent from the crater to the upper terminus of 
the railroad is the easiest thing in the world to accom- 
plish. The side of the cone is covered with a loose 
quality of charred dirt and ashes, into which the feet 
would sink ten to fifteen inches every step. If you do 
not wish to walk down you can take a seat on the 
ground, hold up your feet, and slide down, without the 
slightest exertion. There is no friction whatever at- 
tending the operation, for when you take your place 
on a bank of dirt, it will at once start down, carrying 
you along with it. 

The view of the scenery from the top of Mount 
Vesuvius is incomparably grand. The charming Bay 
of Naples, though seven or eight miles distant, looks 
as if it were almost within a stone's throw of us, while 
the innumerable little boats that glided about on the 
water could only be seen through a large field-glass. 
The distant city of Naples, with her tall marble pal- 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 257 

aces bathed in a sea of gold, caused by the rays of the 
sun glancing down on them, presented a picture of 
exquisite beauty, while the broad, level plain to the 
right, thickly dotted over with shining villas and pic-' 
turesque cottages, contributed no little toward the grand 
panorama. The roofless houses and the empty streets 
of Pompeii presented a scene of melancholy grandeur, 
while new-built Herculaneum sparkled on the verge of 
the bay like a diadem on the brow of a queen. 

That portion of Mount Vesuvius called the cone has 
been formed during the present century by lava and 
other matter thrown up by volcanic action ; the top is 
truncated, the diameter being something over two thou- 
sand feet. Twenty-four eruptions have occurred during 
the present century, some of which sent streams of lava 
as far as the town of Cercola, destroying a portion of 
the place, and causing the loss of many lives. The 
first eruption was the one that destroyed Pompeii, in 
a.d. 79. It is the power of steam that throws up the 
lava. A very small quantity of smoke rose from the 
crater while we were on the mountain, but an immense 
volume of white steam constantly escaped. During 
one of the eruptions a vast quantity of boiling water 
was cast up, which flowed into the sea. A steam-boiler 
could not be constructed so thick that it could not be 
blown to atoms under certain circumstances. Let a 
boiler be heated red hot, then turn a stream of cold 
water into it, leaving no place for the steam to escape, 
and it would burst if the iron was ten feet thick. Just 
so is it with Vesuvius. The fire under the earth is 
constantly extending its dominions, gradually eating its 
r 22* 



258 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

way into new territory. When it strikes the bed of a 
subterranean river, the water instantly flows into the 
boiling ocean of red-hot lava, suddenly generating vast 
quantities of steam, which would split the earth wide 
open if it could not find other means of escape. In 
its effort to get out it moves every obstruction toward 
the mouth of the crater, coming up with such force as 
to throw huge rocks five thousand feet into the air. 
Solid bowlders a hundred feet in diameter have been 
cast up by this tremendous power. Ashes have been 
carried as far as Constantinople. In 1794. a stream of 
lava containing forty-seven millions of cubic feet was 
cast up, measuring twelve hundred feet wide and six- 
teen feet deep. We saw many fresh streams that we 
guessed to be one hundred feet deep and seventeen 
miles long. The lava runs very slowly, and the 
smallest obstruction will sometimes change its course. 
Standing on the mountain top and viewing the long 
black stream of lava, it looks like a colossal serpent 
winding and twisting its huge body in every direction 
among the rocks, while little short waves have over- 
lapped one another, giving to it the appearance of the 
scales on his skin. The lava, when cooled, forms a 
dark-brown stone, much harder than ordinary lime- 
stone. While near the crater I dropped a sou on top 
of a small lump of hot lava, and pressed it down with 
the point of my umbrella, causing it to sink deep into 
the lump. The edges curled over, nearly covering the 
coin, and when the lava got cold, nothing short of a 
sledge-hammer could remove it. Those who did not 
manufacture these relics bought them at the price of 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 259 

two sous each. It is my duty, however, to state the 
fact that these relics were manufactured before the 
grand retreat began. 

If I ever have been near a lump of hot lava since I 
distinguished myself as the swiftest runner extant, I 
do not now remember it ; and if such a thing had 
occurred, I do not think I would have forgotten it. 
Therefore I will, upon mature reflection, state it as a 
fact that I have never been near melted lava since that 
famous retreat. None but simpletons ever get singed 
twice with one flame. 

When we returned to the little hotel at the base of 
the cone, we found an excellent luncheon ready, which 
we enjoyed very much, our appetites having been well 
sharpened by the labors of the day. 

We went down the mountain at a sweeping trot, 
returning to town in time for me to meet my beggar- 
chief, — an incident previously related in this chapter. 



CHAPTER XXI. 



Florence, July 9. 
Many extravagant expressions were uttered by the 
ladies as the shining battlements and the lofty towers of 
Florence burst on their view ; indeed, the enthusiasm 
was not wholly confined to them, for Dick and I gave 
vent to a few eloquent remarks concerning the unusual 
beauty of the surrounding scenery. We all know it is 



260 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

the prevailing fashion for tourists to indulge in highly- 
colored descriptions when writing or speaking about 
the grandeur and the beauty of this famous city and 
her matchless works of art. If there is a spot on earth 
whose charming scenes can justify extravagant lan- 
guage, that spot is here. The Arno divides the city 
into two parts of almost equal size, each bank neatly 
walled with substantial masonry, while two broad, 
well-paved streets run parallel with and close to the 
water's edge, affording a splendid drive to those who 
visit Cascine Park. 

I have often heard Florence called the city of flowers, 
but I was surprised to see such vast quantities of them. 
The roads in the suburbs are bordered with spacious 
gardens teeming with fragrant plants, impregnating 
the air with a delicious perfume. I think the birds 
sing more sweetly here than in any other part of 
Italy; indeed, the art of making melodious music 
seems to be a natural gift enjoyed by men, women, 
children, and birds. 

AVe left Xaples on the afternoon of the 6th, arriv- 
ing at Rome in time to enjoy a good night's rest, which 
we very much needed. The line of the railroad be- 
tween Naples and Rome several times crosses the 
Appian Way, traversing a country thickly dotted with 
villages, elegant farm-houses, and vast fields of ripe 
wheat, which was then being harvested. It was a 
novel si&rht to me to see the harvesters cutting wheat 
with the old-fashioned reaping-hook, such as our ances- 
tors used a hundred years ago. Most of the harvest- 
ing was being done by women ; in fact, I did not see a 



RAPID RA MB LINGS IN EUROPE. 261 

man in a field during the day's run. It would be no 
exaggeration to say that one man with an American 
reaper could cut as much wheat in a day as could three 
hundred women with their little reaping-hooks. The 
telegraph, the telephone, the sewing-machine, the steam- 
engine, and many other modern inventions are in use 
here, but it is a cause of real pleasure to be able to say 
that a large majority of them are the products of 
American brains. To prove that this is no vain boast, 
I can with truth assert that Michael Angelo's fruitful 
brain never enabled him to invent a plan by which he 
could reach the ceiling of St. Peter's Church, except by 
swinging himself down from the top with a rope, or by 
erecting an expensive scaffold. If he were there to- 
day, he might take his seat in a chair, and be hoisted 
to the lofty height in two minutes by means of an 
American ladder. It is an ingeniously constructed 
machine, folded up on a common wagon. The labor 
of two men can run it up to the height of four hun- 
dred feet in two minutes, and refold it snugly on the 
wagon in one. 

We set out on our journey from Rome to Florence 
at an early hour on Saturday morning, traversing that 
part of Italy noted for its wild and romantic scenery. 
The line of the road most of the way lies near the 
Tuscan Apennines, the sight of which is surpassingly 
grand, while the valley spreads out like a beautiful 
panorama, and is covered with thrifty villages, vast 
fields of wheat, and rich vineyards. 

The first move I made after reaching Florence was 
to call on Dante at his residence, No. 2 St. Martino 



262 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

Street ; but he was absent. The housekeeper said he 
had been absent about five hundred and fifty years. I 
apologized for not having called sooner, left my card, 
and straightway proceeded to the residence of Michael 
Angelo, No. 64 Ghibellina Street. A bald-headed 
man, who had but one good eye, met me at the door, 
and, in answer to my inquiries, told me that Mr. 
Angelo was absent. I had intended to pay my respects 
to Galileo, but my time was too valuable to be wasted 
in visiting the houses of men who were not at home. 

If I did not have the pleasure of making the ac- 
quaintance of Galileo, I managed to get a peep at his 
famous telescope, invented and manufactured by him- 
self. I went to Dante's tomb, and squandered a large 
quantity of tears over it before I discovered the fact 
he was not in it. I think it is an outrageous swindle 
to impose on unprotected strangers in any such way. 
After I had exhausted all my ready-made tears, I was 
told that Dante was buried at Ravenna.' It is the style 
in Italy to erect a gorgeous tomb for a man at one 
place and bury him at another. It is also the prevail- 
ing fashion to kill or banish their great men, and then 
to rant and rave about their good qualities two or three 
hundred years after they are dead. Galileo and Dante 
were persecuted and tortured by their people, — one ban- 
ished and the other imprisoned, — but now they feel 
honored to be allowed to weep over an empty tomb 
where the bones of Dante might have reposed but for 
the cruelty of his countrymen. The citizens of Genoa 
are continually boasting of the fact that Columbus was 
born on their territory, but they say nothing about the 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 263 

cruel neglect with which they treated him while he was 
living among them. Florence enjoys the undeserved 
honor, though, of possessing the bones of Galileo. I 
felt highly pleased to be permitted to stand within a 
few feet of the mortal remains of this renowned astron- 
omer, and gaze at the sarcophagus in which they re- 
pose. The house in which Dante dwelt while a citizen 
of Florence is yet in a perfect state of preservation. 
It looks more like a fortress made to keep enemies out 
than like a residence to shelter a poet. It was built 
over six hundred years ago, and if let alone it will 
stand until doomsday; unless that event should be de- 
layed a very long time. I gave a lad a franc to show 
me Dante's monument. He conducted me to a barber- 
shop, and, pointing at a red-faced man with hairless 
head and hawk-bill nose, said, — 

" Monimente Dante I" 

" Shavee quickee, mightee soonee," cried hawk-bill, 
as he pointed out a chair. "Seatee, pleasee; shavee 
nowee." 

I at once comprehended the fact that I had been de- 
ceived. I could not get at the real state of the case, 
but managed to learn that the barber's crooked nose 
was thought to resemble the one that adorned the face 
of Dante's image, which fact had won for him the nick- 
name of " Dante's Monument." If Dante's nose was 
like the one that did duty on that barber's face, Flor- 
ence was justified in banishing him. It was a clear 
case of self-defence. 

I offered the boy another franc to conduct me to 
the marble monument which had been erected to the 



264 RAPID RAMBLINOS IN EUROPE. 

memory of the famous bard, but he did not know where 
it was. I, however, persevered until I found it. I 
might have put in my time more profitably somewhere 
else, for the monument fell far short of my expecta- 
tions. It was unveiled on the six hundredth anniver- 
sary of Dante's birth. 

Dick says he has discovered a real bonanza full of 
bones, as well as oceans of gold and precious stones. 
He referred to the Medici mausoleum, which contains 
the bodies of a family whose reputation for cruelty, 
meanness, and tyranny has no parallel in the pages 
of history. It was from this family descended Catha- 
rine de Medici, who planned the St. Bartholomew 
massacre at Paris, which resulted in the murder of 
fifty thousand people in a single night. One thing 
may be said in connection with the Medici mauso- 
leum which cannot truthfully be asserted in regard 
to any other. It is the most gorgeous and the most 
costly one on earth, and contains the bones of the 
meanest family that ever lived. It is ninety-four feet 
wide, two hundred feet high, and the whole interior, 
ceiling and all, is lined with the most valuable stones, 
among which I saw large quantities of jasper, pearl, 
onyx, lapis lazuli, opals, chalcedony, sapphire, amethyst, 
crystal, and Oriental rubies. The frescos are com- 
posed of solid gold. Over twenty millions of dollars 
have been expended on this gaudy edifice. Dick says 
that he and Charley have determined to blow it up 
with dynamite, capture the valuables, and make tracks 
rapidly toward home. Charley says that the only thing 
that will thwart the scheme is the avariciousness of 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 265 

Dick, who, because he invented the plan, claims two- 
thirds of the spoils, which he will never agree to. He 
says he will not consent to play second fiddle ; he must 
have half or none. He says he will blow the whole 
scheme sky-high unless Dick consents to an equal 
divide. 

I was an ardent admirer of Raphael until I saw to 
what depths of servility he had prostituted his lofty 
genius by representing Catharine de Medici as a puri- 
fied saint associating on terms of equality with angels 
in heaven. I dare say he will be greatly mortified 
when he hears of my displeasure, but I cannot help it. 
His fame may, however, possibly survive my ill-will, 
as a few others have done under similar circumstances. 

" What sort of material is that sarcophagus made 
of?" inquired Miss Stevenson, pointing to one of the 
gorgeous tombs in the Medici chapel. 

" I don't exactly know," replied Miss Bell, " though 
I believe it is sapphire." 

" Yes," said Dick, " that rascal's bones are encased 
in sapphire, and his soul in hell-fire." 

" And unless you mend your ways, you will ere long 
have to endure the same fate," observed the Judge. 

" Perhaps you think that the Medici family are all 
in heaven ?" returned Dick, sharply. 

" That is a matter known only to the great Creator," 
rejoined Miss Bell ; " and one which we poor mortals 
should not meddle with." 

" The Saviour pardoned a thief at the last moment," 
said Effie; "and He may have extended the same 
mercy to this wicked family before they died. Christ 
m 23 



266 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

did not die to save righteous people, but He suffered 
on the cross to save poor sinners." 

" The court decides that Effie goes head," remarked 
the Judge, " and that Dick takes his position at the foot 
of the class." 

" Very well," exclaimed Dick ; " I obey the orders 
of the Court, but I am not the first great man who has 
been martyred for opinion's sake. Galileo was im- 
prisoned for saying that the earth revolved, and while 
being led to jail said the earth moved, nevertheless. 
You degrade me for saying that a bloody assassin is in 
a warru climate; he is there, nevertheless. My case 
and that of Galileo are exactly alike. l O Liberty, 
what crimes are committed in thy name F " 

From the mausoleum we proceeded to the Uffizi 
Gallery, which unquestionably contains the largest and 
best collection of paintings to be.seen on the Continent. 
If they would pitch all the pictures of the hateful 
Medici class into the Arno, they would win my most 
profound gratitude. 

If all the canvas that is covered with paintings attri- 
buted to Raphael's brush was sewed together, it would 
be nearly enough to cover Manhattan Island. They 
have the Arno bridged with them. This is no gal- 
vanized statement, but it is an eighteen-carat fact. The 
gallery not only runs across the Arno, but it makes an 
extensive journey on both banks. I did not measure 
the canvas that Raphael had wasted with the pictures 
of the Medici family, but I do not think it would ex- 
ceed nine hundred acres. I despise exaggeration ; 
hence I usually try to keep on the safe side of truth. 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 267 

The Uffizi Gallery would be a delightful place for a 
young man, but I could not conscientiously advise old 
or even middle-aged persons to undertake to inspect it, 
for they would die of advanced age before they could 
get through with it. An industrious person, possessing 
physical strength and robust health, might get through 
with the Medici family in less than sixteen years. 

I do not claim to be a connoisseur of pictures, but I 
am a true lover of art, though I confess I do not ad- 
mire all the paintings in the Uffizi Gallery. One of 
the compartments, the contents of which seemed to be 
most admired by visitors, looked like a congregation 
of ladies at a picnic, who had forgotten to dress before 
leaving home. The Medician Venus, whose reputation 
for beauty is quite widespread, is by no means superior 
— in fact, I do not believe it is equal — to the image of 
Pauline Bonaparte at Rome. It is decidedly defective 
in height, being scarcely five feet, and the face has 
rather an idiotic expression, which mars the general 
effect. 

Prominent among the wonders of Florence is the 
grand cathedral, whose dome is larger than that which 
crowns St. Peter's Church at Rome. This huge edifice 
was not entirely completed until five hundred years 
after its foundation was laid, though it was open to the 
public two hundred years before it was finished. The 
top of the dome may be reached by a broad flight of 
marble steps, which ascend by an easy grade, where the 
visitor can obtain one of the grandest panoramic views 
to be seen anywhere in Italy. The sparkling waters 
of the Arno, as they creep along among palaces, villas, 



268 RAPID RAMBLING S IN EUROPE. 

and flower-gardens, winding and twisting in every 
direction, look like a string of glittering diamonds, 
while the blue crests of the Tuscan Apennines rise one 
above another, apparently kissing the sky far away. 

" Oh, is it not lovely I" exclaimed Effie, as she sur- 
veyed the delightful picture. 

" Grand ! indescribably grand !" replied Miss Bell. 

" I could stand here and gaze at this charming sight 
a week without being tired," observed Miss Stevenson. 

"Yes, but not without getting hungry," replied 
Dick. 

It w r as with a feeling of reluctance that we withdrew 
from the spot for the purpose of seeing the wonderful 
store of relics and curiosities contained in the treasury. 
A truthful description of the enormous quantities of 
silver, gold, and precious gems exhibited here would 
sound like fiction. A silver cross, the height of which 
I guessed to be ten feet, and the diameter fifteen inches, 
is adorned with precious jewels. A baptismal font of 
solid silver weighs four hundred pounds. 

I wonder how many heads John the Baptist really 
had ? I had been led to believe that the one which 
Mrs. Herod had served for dinner was the only one he 
possessed ; but that belief must have been a mistaken 
one. I have seen three blocks, on each one of which it 
is alleged that a head of his was chopped off. The 
proof of the truth of these allegations is indisputable, 
because the stain of blood is yet on the blocks. 

After a thorough inspection of the Duomo, we took 
seats in the carriages, and went dashing at a rapid speed 
over a delightful road toward Cascine Park, two miles 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 269 

below the city, on the banks of the Arno. In front of 
an elegant hotel, at the entrance of the park, was assem- 
bled an immense crowd of people listening to the music 
of a splendid band. The assemblage was largely com- 
posed of elegantly-dressed females who occupied seats 
in their carriages. The Florentine ladies display ex- 
quisite taste in the art of personal adornment, especially 
in the delicate colors of their costumes, which for beauty 
I have rarely seen equalled. The ladies all have large 
black eyes and are not at all afraid to show them, for 
they have a coquettish way of gathering up their veils 
with the left hand and peeping out at you with a fas- 
cinating gaze which has completely captivated Dick. I 
cannot understand why they are constantly taking de- 
liberate aim at him with their destructive artillery, for 
I am sure it cannot be the beauty of his face that 
attracts them. A carriage containing four ladies halted 
near us, and at once they began to peer at Dick, when 
he threw kisses at them. Instead of becoming offended, 
as I feared they would, they bowed, smiled, and jointly 
threw kisses back at him. 

The curious old house of Michael Angelo, with its 
splendid collection of pictures, quaint old relics, and 
other reminiscences connected with the renowned artist, 
attracts the attention of all lovers of art who visit 
Florence. It is said that the shoemaker always goes 
barefooted, and that a dairyman's wife never has cream 
for her tea. The same rule seems to have been appli- 
cable to Angelo, who spent a long life in beautifying 
the houses of others, but never adorned his own. I 
would say that he originally designed it for an oil-mill, 

23* 



270 RAPID RA MB LINGS IN EUROPE. 

but history doesn't mention factories of that sort as 
being in operation at that early period. The architect 
evidently began it for one purpose and finished it for 
another. The basement would do very well for a fort, 
while the rest resembles a Dutch windmill. It is possi- 
ble, however, that Angelo would not now recognize it, 
since the government has remodelled it. The mauso- 
leum that contains his bones is a much finer structure 
than the house in which he lived. 

Florence is a perfect clover-field for antiquarians to 
graze on. You can see anything you wish, from the 
true cross down to Lucretia Borgia's dagger. If you 
inquire for a certain object in a museum to-day, and 
fail to find it, call to-morrow, and it will be waiting 
for you. 

While Dick and I were sauntering among the hills 
a considerable distance from Florence, late on Sunday 
evening, Dick met with a singular accident which has 
been the cause of no little merriment. We had lin- 
gered on the top of a hill gazing at the charming land- 
scape by which we were surrounded until the shades 
of night had completely covered the earth. We had 
walked scarcely a quarter of a mile when we began to 
believe we were going in the wrong direction. We 
clambered up on the top of a stone wall where we 
could distinctly see the lights in the streets, but could 
see no road leading in that direction. 

" Wait here a moment," said Dick, as he sprang 
down to the ground ; " I'll go and make inquiries at 
yon house." 

The edifice in question was not over a hundred paces 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 271 

from us, and we could see lights moving about in it ; 
but the space between us and it was completely hidden 
by the extreme darkness of the night. While waiting 
for Dick's return I heard an unusual noise, the mean- 
ing of which I was unable to divine ; but by way of 
making an explanation, I will let Dick tell his own 
story. 

" I had arrived," said he, " at a point within twenty 
paces of the house, when something flew up and struck 
me on the breast, stretching me flat on my back on the 
ground, and instantly sprang on top of me. I was not 
seriously hurt, but slightly panic-stricken, though I 
was by no means willing to die without a struggle. I 
instantly sprang to my feet, kicked my assailant oif 
and started to run toward the house, when I was seized 
from behind and borne down on my face, while my 
mysterious foe leaped on my back. I was then com- 
pletely demoralized. ' By what sort of a monster have 
I been attacked ?' was a question that propounded itself 
to me. I at first thought that it was a bear that had 
escaped from the zoological garden, though it acted 
rather strangely for an animal of that species, for it 
never tried to hurt me, so long as I would lie st')l. Its 
whole aim seemed to be a desire to hold me a prisoner. 
I had heard of lions and tigers toying with their vic- 
tims before devouring them, as cats will sometimes do 
with mice. You may be sure that such thoughts as 
these went flitting rapidly through my mind, and that 
they were by no means pleasant. 

"I now resolved to make one more desperate strike 
for liberty. Rising to my feet with a sudden leap, I 



272 RAPID RA MB LINGS IN EUROPE. 

gave the monster a quick push, dashing it to the 
ground, but as it went down it seized me in its arms 
and carried me to the earth with it, when a violent 
struggle ensued. I was sometimes on top, but most 
frequently on the under side. The strangest part of 
the mystery was the fact that when I would cease to 
struggle the monster would do the same, though it 
would not let me go. It seemed to be unwilling to 
hurt me, but determined to prevent my escape. At 
length my strength began to fail, and I was convinced 
that I could never regain my liberty without assistance. 
" While I was lying on the ground face downward, 
with the monster quietly seated on my back, I began 
loudly to call for help. It was but a moment before a 
man came to my rescue, followed by a woman with a 
lighted lantern in her hand. The monster was at once 
taken off of me, when I was astonished, as well as 
angry, to hear my rescuers laughing heartily. Well, 
to cut the matter short and come to the gist of the 
story, I will let the cat out of the bag. I had been 
captured by an Italian wheelbarrow. Now, I never 
exaggerate, but I am convinced that if Napoleon could 
have had two thousand Italian wheelbarrows at Water- 
loo, he would have won the fight. He might have 
placed them in line, then begun a feigned retreat, so as 
to draw the enemy on to his wheelbarrows, which would 
have insured their destruction. Let any man get mixed 
up with an Italian wheelbarrow in a ten-acre field, on 
a dark night, and he can bankrupt me if he can get 
away from it without help. I would rather engage in 
a fist-fight with a Bengal tiger than to tackle one of 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 273 

those monsters on a dark night. They have arms, legs, 
fingers, claws, ribs, feet, and teeth, as well as many 
other appurtenances too numerous to mention." 

If Dick has exaggerated the facts of this case I am 
sure it is no fault of mine ; for I have merely repeated 
his very words. When he called for help, I at once 
dashed forward with the commendable intention of 
helping him, but fell into an old cellar six feet deep, 
which had the effect of quieting me for thirty minutes. 
Italian wheelbarrows are, indeed, curious vehicles. 
They are so made as to hold half a ton of hay, straw, 
or any other light substance, having long semicircular 
ribs, which can be folded together like the claws of a 
panther. I think I would be willing to join Dick in 
the bet that no man could escape from one of those 
monsters after it had fixed its grabbers on him, espe- 
cially when it was so dark that he could not see his 
mysterious adversary. 

I had the good luck to make the acquaintance of 
Arthur Walton, of Virginia, a young artist who is 
taking lessons under a famous painter here. While 
oh a visit with him to the office of the American con- 
sul, on Monday morning, I met a lady who formerly 
resided in Baltimore. Her unhappy appearance at 
once attracted my attention. Her pale, beautiful face 
had a look of settled despair plainly stamped upon it, 
while every now and then she would hurriedly wipe the 
tears from her large blue eyes, evidently endeavoring 
to suppress and conceal her grief. She was plainly 
clad in faded silk, which, when new, had been of a 
bright crimson color ; but time and constant use had 



274 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

deprived it of its original beauty, covering it with 
large spots of different shades. No jewels of any sort 
adorned her person, except a small finger-ring set with 
a diamond, which sparkled on her finger. She was 
tall, slender, and much emaciated, the ravages of sor- 
row having made deep impressions on her constitution. 
She spoke a few words in an undertone to the consul, 
and seemed greatly distressed at his reply. As she 
moved toward the door she staggered and would have 
fallen to the floor but for the wall, against which she 
leaned for a moment. 

As soon as she passed out I requested Mr. Walton 
to tell me what he knew about her. 

"A true, unvarnished history of that poor lady's 
wrongs," replied he, " would sound like extravagant 
fiction ; in fact, not one in ten would credit the story. 
Her maiden name was Mollie Atherton; she is the 
daughter of Albert Atherton, of Baltimore, who died 
six years ago, leaving six hundred thousand dollars 
equally divided between two children. Mollie was 
quite a beauty then, whose hand was sought by many 
men of worth, one of them being a young member 
of Congress, who loved her devotedly. It was be- 
lieved by many that they would marry, and I think 
they would have done so if she had never visited Eu- 
rope. Three years ago she came here with her mother, 
and like a moth was caught by glare, and has like a 
poor moth been singed to destruction ; for it does not 
require the eye of a surgeon to see the seal which death 
has set on her brow. She will be in her grave in less 
than six months from this day. 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 275 

" The height of widow Atherton's ambition was to 
many her daughter to a noble title, — a thing by no 
means difficult to accomplish in this country, especially 
when the lady is backed by three hundred thousand 
dollars, as was the case with Miss Atherton. Penni- 
less counts are as plentiful here as are wandering 
tramps in Pennsylvania, and they are as eager to 
capture American heiresses as are the tramps to 
catch a farmer's chickens. Miss Atherton married 
Count Catchimaeli, who got possession of her money, 
flogged her once a month for two years, then divorced 
her by the help of hired witnesses, married his former 
mistress, and now lives in regal style, in a gorgeous 
palace, on the money of his discarded wife, who is 
dying of grief and starvation in the streets. Her 
mother is dead, and her brother was so disgusted at 
his sister's conduct that he refused to assist her. She 
calls at the consulate every day to ask for letters, 
expecting money to be sent to pay her way home. 
I would gladly give her the necessary funds if I had 
them, but who ever heard of a third-class artist having 
any money. This is the third case of a similar char- 
acter that has come within the circuit of my own 
knowledge during the last three years. It is my 
opinion that this unfortunate woman will never again 
see America, for she is declining very rapidly, and will 
not last much longer." 

It was with feelings of sadness that I listened to this 
melancholy story, and I have often regretted hearing it. 

Twenty-five years ago the price of a count did not 
exceed ten thousand dollars, and all other titled idiots 



276 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

in a like proportion ; but the late war produced so many 
rich shoddy contractors, whose daughters began to bull 
the market, that they have run it up to fabulous prices. 
A low, middling count will now command at least fifty 
thousand dollars, while choice articles are scarce at one 
hundred thousand dollars. Quite a brisk demand for 
barons has lately sprung up in the market; indeed, 
second-hand articles are current at one hundred thou- 
sand dollars. The supply of dukes and earls is wholly 
inadequate for the demand ; in fact, it requires millions 
to reach them. A few old ones in a damaged condition 
were eagerly gobbled up lately by experienced dealers. 
The market is glutted with counts and barons, but the 
most favorable symptom indicating an early return to 
legitimate business is the rapid decline in prices. It is 
hoped and believed that as soon as the daughters of all 
shoddy contractors and members of the Credit Mobilier 
Mutual Aid Association shall have been supplied, we 
may reasonably expect a rapid decline in all grades of 
titled asses. 

It is feared that if the history of Miss Atherton's 
case should be made known to the public, it would 
create a panic in the count market, but I know our 
American girls are not to be frightened out of their 
wits by any such trifles. 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 277 



CHAPTER XXII. 

Venice, July 10. 

This morning we bade adieu to the charming city of 
Florence and set out on our journey toward Venice. 
About eleven o'clock we began to climb the steep, 
craggy sides of the Tuscan Apennines, the grade of the 
railroad track rising at the rate of one hundred feet to 
the mile. The train wound around the overhanging 
cliffs like the meandering track of a serpent, now 
plunging under a high ridge, then creeping round the 
verge of a yawning abyss, the depth of which was five 
hundred feet. The superb grandeur of the scenery was 
indescribably charming. We could look out from the 
coach-window and gaze at the broad valley spread out 
before us, with its hundreds of white villas shining in 
the bright rays of the sun, making a picture that no 
artist could reproduce. When we reached the top of 
the mountain, we came down with lightning speed. 
The country between the Apennines and Venice is a 
vast level plain, thickly checkered with cosey little vil- 
lages, canals, and farm-houses. In some respects it 
resembles the vast prairies of Illinois, especially in 
regard to the limitless fields of golden wheat, which is 
now ripe, and is being harvested. 

We made a short halt at the famous little city of 
Mantua, where Romeo, upon hearing of the death of 
Juliet, purchased the deadly drug from the fleshless 

24 



RAPID RAMBLIBG8 IN EUROPE. 

apothecary, -whose shop presented the "beggarly 
count of erap: The drug-dealers are fatter 

now than they were when Romeo traded with them. 

c-ame thundering into Venice at 4 P.M. ; and, oh, 
what a novel sight for an American eye to look upon ! 
Hundred- _ skating, dancing, darting, skip- 

ping, shooting, flying in every direction over the smooth 
blue waters of A Iriatic, resembling huge black 

serpents, with their heads reared high above the u 

f these fantastic mo: - -.-cured for the 

purpose of trans _ the party from the depot to the 

Grai 

. I wish I had all the eyes of . imed 

Effie ; u two eyes are not enough to enable one to see 
the hundredth part of this beaut - - 

The vocabulary of adjectives was completely ex- 
hausted by the ladies, who were continually drawing 
heavy drafts on it. I looked wise and said nothing, 
being cognizant of the fact that language could not be 
found of a nature strong enough to express my amaze- 
ment. 

Our route from the depot to the hotel took u- 
the Grand Can si which is thirty -seven 

wide, lined on each side with lofty marble boil 
many of them being the palaces of the nobility. The 
Grand Canal is the Broadway of Venice, on the sur- 
face of which the principal part of the traffic is carried 
on. There is a line of pretty little steamboats continu- 
ally running along this street. They have no cabins, 
make no I smoke, and make no T - 

but they glide silently along, carrying hundre 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 279 

people, who sit under a canvas awning to protect them 
from the sun. The gondolas are all painted black. 
In the days of the doges, the common people were not 
allowed to put gilded ornaments on their gondolas. 
This privilege was limited to the nobility. Plebeians 
were compelled to paint their gondolas black. The 
democratic element came into power, and they prohib- 
ited any one from gilding a gondola. Hence the uni- 
versal custom of painting them all black. The body 
of the gondola, or carriage part, is upholstered in the 
most gorgeous style, and to ride in one produces a most 
pleasant sensation. Not a horse or a carriage is to be 
found in Venice, and scarcely a sound disturbs the 
usual quietude that always prevails. Occasionally a 
gondolier warbles a plaintive song as he hurries his 
romantic craft over the shining waters by moonlight. 

Texice, July 11. 
We made an early start this morning, bent on seeing 
all the sights of this novel city. Venice is situated in the 
northeast corner of Italy, and has a population of eleven 
hundred millions; one hundred and thirty thousand of 
which are people, the rest being flies, mosquitoes, and 
gondolas. AVe first went by gondolas to the doge's 
palace, a spot made famous by the pen of Lord Byron. 
It is from this palace that prisoners were conducted to 
the dungeon across the Bridge of Sighs. The Bridge 
of Sighs is very different from what I had pictured it 
in my imagination. It is a little, short, narrow, dismal, 
stone bridge, with vaulted roof, across a canal, or street, 
not over twenty feet wide. The passage through which 



OgQ RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

so many unfortunate prisoners have been led is four 
feet wide, six feet high, and twenty-five feet long. It 
leads from one of the grandest palaces io one of the 
most horrible, dark, dismal prisons on earth. 

We first made a thorough inspection of the palace, 
and then passed over the famous Bridge of Sighs, at 
the end of which we went down a narrow flight of 
stone stairs into a dark cellar. Then small lighted 
tapers were handed us as we entered the prison. 
The cells are beneath the surface of the sea, made of 
large blocks of stone, then lined with wood, and the 
inside covered with cork, so as to prevent the con- 
demned from knocking out their brains against the 
wall. The prisoners were fed twice a day, through a 
little round hole six inches in diameter. This little 
aperture was the only opening in that awful den of 
death, except the iron door. Our lights were all ex- 
tinguished in order that we might realize the intensity 
of the darkness. 

I was forcibly impressed by Dick's remarks on that 
occasion, which were somewhat extravagant, though 
business-like and to the point. After a few moments' 
pause, he said, — 

" A black cat in a back alley the darkest night that 
ever prevailed in Egypt would be as white as snow 
compared to the darkness of this dungeon. You might 
cut a square foot of atmosphere out of that darkness 
and scatter it broadcast over North America, and it 
would make the chickens go to roost in ten min- 
utes." 

No prisoner has ever been known to survive longer 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 281 

than six weeks after being thrust into this awful place. 
No wonder that the bridge that leads to this loathsome 
hell was called the Bridge of Sighs, because no one has 
ever come from its walls alive after having been con- 
demned to imprisonment there. 

In the palace there is a large room called the throne- 
room. Adjacent thereto is a smaller one, where the 
inquisitors usually met. They were called the Council 
of Ten, and a still smaller room adjoins it, where the 
Council of Three usually met. On one side of the 
wall appears a marble head of a lion with mouth open. 
In the mouth of this lion people usually slipped papers 
of denunciation. The secret information fell into an iron 
box, from which the inquisitors took it from the inside. 
The iron box which held the papers of denunciation is 
about fifteen inches square, and somewhat resembles 
the letter-boxes put up in cities by the Post-Office De- 
partment. There are two locks and two keyholes 
in the box, so that either one of the councils might 
take out the papers. When a man was denounced 
through the lion's mouth, the chances were ten to one 
his doom was forever sealed. One can scarcely believe 
that such horrible cruelties had ever been inflicted 
upon man by his fellow-men. In fact, we would 
not believe it but for the positive proof we have of 
the fact. 

The doge's palace is built on piling ; indeed, all the 
houses have their foundations made on piling. Twelve 
hundred thousand cedar piles were driven down to 
make the foundation to St. Mark's Church. This is 
one of the handsomest churches in Italy, except St. 

24* 



282 RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. 

Peter's. The top of one of the chapels is supported 
by four pure alabaster columns. They were brought 
here from Solomon's temple at Jerusalem. That is 
the statement of priests, and they are all honorable 
men. The columns are twelve inches in diameter and 
sixteen feet long. We took a lighted candle and held 
it near one side of the column, and it sent the light 
clear through it, — a most singular sight to behold. St. 
Mark is the patron saint of Venice. His body is 
buried in a gorgeous tomb in one of the chapels, — 
so say the priests. The bell-tower of St. Mark's is 
nearly twice as high as the Leaning Tower of Pisa, 
and has a better right to be classed among the wonders 
of the world than it has. It is here where may be 
seen the famous clock, where the bronze statue marks 
the time by striking a bell with a huge hammer. The 
hours are counted by one of the statues, while the 
quarters are counted by the other. For instance, let 
us suppose the time to be forty-five minutes past twelve. 
One of the iron men will strike the bell twelve blows 
with his hammer; then the other iron man will hit it 
three light blows with his hammer. The sounds are 
different, the hour-strokes being much louder than the 
others. 

After investigating the palace, Bridge of Sighs, 
and St. Mark's, we visited the lace-factory, — a most 
novel sight indeed. Most of the work is done by 
females. 

I had often heard the ladies talking of the cheap 
laces they expected to purchase at Venice. I had 
made up my mind to buy a quantity to carry as a 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 283 

present to the lady who pours coffee for me at home. 
I wish it to be distinctly understood that I am a better 
judge of good coffee than I am of Venice lace. It is 
well known that when I undertake an enterprise I 
go it strong. I never do things by halves. I would 
not insult Mrs. F. with an insignificant present, — she 
should have bushels of lace. This was the prevailing 
idea that found lodgment in my brain as we entered 
the lace-factory. The ladies of our party began to buy 
rather sparingly. I watched and waited, while my 
soul swelled with emotions of pride at the thought of 
the cords of lace that would soon be mine. When I 
straightened myself up, and in an imperious tone or- 
dered the entire contents of one of the drawers to be 
sent to my hotel, I supposed that lace was as cheap as 
Kentucky bagging. I had a right to suppose so, be- 
cause the ladies had been in ecstasies on the cheapness 
of Venice lace. They talked cheap lace, they sung 
cheap lace, they looked and acted cheap, until they 
made me believe that I would be conferring a favor 
on the manufacturer if I would take a cord of his laces 
out of his way for nothing. I imagined that the 
amount of my order would only require a few dollars' 
outlay j but, alas ! my sweet dream was abruptly ter- 
minated when the clerk arrived with my lace, and 
handed me a bill amounting to eighteen hundred dol- 
lars. I did not faint, I did not groan, I did not curse ; 
the emergency demanded something of a higher order ; 
I was equal to the emergency ; strategy is my strong 
card, and I played my strongest card and won the 
game. 



284 RAPID RAMB LINGS IN EUROPE. 

" Why did you not bring the lace I ordered, sir?" I 
demanded, in an angry tone. 

" Dis be de samee he axie for ; dis samee he tellee 
me to take." 

I denied it. I had two witnesses at hand. When I 
say witnesses, I mean business. I only had to intimate 
the sort of proof I wanted, and it was there. After 
some jabbering and cavilling we compromised. I took 
thirty dollars' worth of the lace. I made a note to 
this effect : " Don't listen to ladies when they are dis- 
cussing cheap laces." I hope the reader will be able 
to separate my jokes from facts ; I mean no reflections 
upon the ladies. When I joke, I mean it; when I 
strike hard-pan, I dig for facts. 

From the lace-factory we went to the Church of St. 
Maria. Here we were shown one of the tombs of 
Canova. He has over a dozen tombs. His heart is 
buried here, his left hand at Florence, his right at 
Naples, his head at Rome, and the rest of his body is 
scattered all over Italy. Most people would be sat- 
isfied with one tomb; in fact, I am by no means 
in a hurry to occupy one. It is not fair to scatter 
a man's remains in any such way. The day of judg- 
ment might be closed before the fragments could be 
collected. 

Late this evening we visited the island where Lord 
Byron resided while here. We did not go into the 
house, being satisfied with a look at the exterior. We 
saw hundreds of men and women bathing in the beau- 
tiful waters of the Adriatic, their bathing-dresses verg- 
ing close to the Adamic style. 



RAPID RAMBLINOS IN EUROPE. 285 

Late yesterday evening I noticed that an unusual 
commotion was prevailing in and around our hotel. 
Upon inquiry I was informed that the heir-apparent to 
the throne of Portugal and his younger brother were 
soon to arrive. Carpets were spread over the hall floors, 
carpets were spread out on the veranda and down to the 
water's edge, in order to keep the royal feet from hurt- 
ing the marble steps. It seems to be understood here 
that the ground will be injured if touched by the 
feet of royalty. Well, the royal guests came at last 
and monopolized a majority of the rooms on the first 
floor, though the sun has not gone out and the moon 
continues to shine as bright as ever. The royal guests 
are constructed in many respects like ordinary men ; in 
fact, they eat and talk as if they were men, and I be- 
lieve, after all, they are men. 

We have done a hard day's work, and while I write, 
old Morpheus is plucking my eyelids down and urging 
me to rest in his arms. I have accepted his invitation, 
and hence will have to lay my pen aside. 

Venice, July 12. 
We arose this morning, ate our breakfast, and re- 
newed our sight-seeing in this quaint old city. I stole 
away from the party and wandered alone through the 
doge's palace. There is an indescribable fascination 
about this wonderful structure that induced me to pay 
it a second visit. To stroll alone through those silent 
halls, where the tortures of the Inquisition w T ere in- 
flicted on innocent victims, causes one's mind to stray 
far back through the dark vista of a thousand years, 



286 RAPID RAMBLINGS JN EUROPE. 

placing us face to face with those who knew no pity, 
who were strangers to the Goddess of Justice, rejoicing 
only when inflicting pain on others. Thanks to the 
memory of the Emperor Napoleon, who upset the doge 
dynasty of Venice and destroyed the Inquisition. 

While straying through the palace I had more leis- 
ure to examine the numerous paintings that adorned 
the walls of the council-chamber. One picture especi- 
ally attracted my attention. It was the u Last Judg- 
ment," and it covered one entire side of the hall, being 
one hundred feet wide by one hundred and fifty feet in 
length, contained fifteen hundred figures, was painted 
five hundred years ago, and looks as fresh and new as 
if painted but a month since. 

I returned to the little iron box, where a small bribe 
induced the keeper to open it. Although there was 
nothing but a little iron box to look at, I lingered 
there gazing at it for twenty minutes, while my imagi- 
nation saw the fatal papers falling from the lion's mouth, 
and being taken out on the other side by the blood- 
thirsty tyrants of the Inquisition. I was led through 
a little dark passage large enough for only one person 
to pass at a time. This w T as the secret way through 
which victims were led from the inquisition to the 
torture-room. 

We had one of the most accommodating guides here 
that we have met on the Continent. If you w r ish to 
see any imaginable sort of curiosity, name it to him, 
and he will show it to you. 

Last night the entire party went gliding along the 
Grand Canal in two gondolas, while the surface of the 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 287 

water looked like a vast lake of shining silver. Nothing 
is more charmingly beautiful than Venice by moonlight. 
Hundreds of gondolas flew in every direction, while 
the romantic song of the gondolier went echoing 
through the balmy air. 

" Oh, my ! what a beautiful sight !" exclaimed Effie. 

"Charming! exquisite! heavenly !" exclaimed Miss 
Bell. 

" I wonder if Paradise was as pretty as this ?" said 
Miss Stevenson. 

" It beats a circus," said Dick. 

" It beats a Fourth-of-July barbecue," replied the 
author. 

" Glorious !" says Chittenden. 

"Muchee grandee Italee lunee!" cried one of the 
gondoliers. 

" Yes," said Dick ; " I understand you very well, but 
I don't know what you mean." 

" He says that the moon shines only in Italy," an- 
swered Chittenden. 

" He is a fool," exclaimed one of the ladies. " Does 
he think that we have no moon in the United States ?" 

It is my opinion that the honest gondolier never 
thought of setting up a pre-emptive claim to the moon. 
He was merely expatiating on the exquisite grandeur 
of the beautiful queen of night. 

We halted at the Eialto, the bridge made famous by 
Shakespeare's " Merchant of Venice." I can readily 
understand why this bridge was mentioned as the place 
where " merchants do congregate," because on each side 
and end of the bridge are innumerable little shops, 



288 RAPID RAM B LINGS IN EUROPE. 

where, until this very day, may be seen many Jewish 
merchants plying their trade just as they did when 
Shylock and Antonio traded there. 

You can see the Desdemona palace if you will take 
the trouble to ask the accommodating guide to show it 
to you. In the first place, no such person as Desde- 
mona ever existed, but what cares the guide for that? 
It is his business to gratify curiosity-hunters. I know 
him to be a success. 

Every evening about sundown a band of musicians, 
one-half of whom were women, would halt their gon- 
dola in front of our hotel and discourse sweet music. 
The females were pretty fair singers, and the music was 
made by violins, guitars, and clarionets. They had 
their gondolas lighted at night by various gay-colored 
lanterns. As they glided over the water with their 
bright lights reflecting their rays deep down below the 
surface, it presented a lovely sight, never to be for- 
gotten. 

Don Carlos, the pretender to the Spanish throne, re- 
sides in a grand palace on the main canal, — a palace 
formerly occupied by one of the doges. 

We experienced much pleasure in bathing in the 
waters of the Adriatic. They have spacious bath- 
houses where one can find plenty of room for enjoying 
the refreshing salt-water swim. One franc will secure 
a ticket of admission and a nice bathing-suit especially 
suited to warm climates, because it consists of nothing, 
fastened about the loins with a twine-string. I like it 
very much, because it is the prevailing style in Italy. 
I always was a fashionable person. All the churches 



RAPID RAMBLING S IN EUROPE. 289 

here are ornamented with beautiful pictures clad in the 
same sort of bathing-suits. 

To-morrow morning at an early hour we will move 
toward Verona and Milan. 



CHAPTER XXIII. 

Milan, July 14. 

Soon after breakfast yesterday morning the brigade, 
baggage and all, was placed in a couple of gondolas 
and carried to the railway-station, and in ten minutes 
we were rushing toward Verona at the rate of thirty 
miles an hour. 

The historic old city of Verona, where the gentle 
Juliet lived and died, is indeed the very spot where 
we can imagine Cupid would like to erect his throne. 
The city is on the banks of a charming little river at 
the base of the Apennines, and looks like a bright 
jewel sparkling among a thousand costly stones. The 
tomb of Juliet (which, of course, is a myth) is usually 
pointed out to visitors ; and if any one should be dis- 
posed to discredit the story, an Italian priest may be 
found who will settle the question. When he tells you 
that it is the identical tomb wherein rests the mortal 
remains of the lovely Juliet, you are bound to believe 
it. No doubt that the tomb contains the bones of 
the Capulets or the Montagues, and probably a dozen 
or two of their cousins and aunts. 
n t 25 



290 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

It was at or Dear Verona where Dante resided when 
he wrote his " Purgatory." I could write a first-class 
" Purgatory" too, if Mark Twain's chamois would con- 
tinue to dance in my boots, as they are doing now. Put 
fleas, flies, and beggars after a man, and he would be 
an idiot indeed if he could not get up a first-class 
Purgatory. I dare say that Dante (while composing 
the " Inferno") muttered many epithets that would not 
look well in print. 

The spot where Juliet is said to have been buried 
resembles a stable more than it does a graveyard. 
The enclosure has a semicircular shape, and is made 
of large blocks of gray stone, the vaulted roof being 
covered with a thick layer of earth, on which grows a 
thick green mossy turf. Mind you, I do not say that 
this is Juliet's tomb, but the proof in favor of it is as 
good as that furnished to prove that Pilate's staircase, 
up which Christ was led to judgment, was in Rome. 

After leaving Verona our route lay along the bor- 
ders of a beautiful lake whose waters have that pecu- 
liar charming blue color only to be found here. We 
arrived at three o'clock, and soon found ourselves in 
a cool, clean, well-kept hotel, every one asking when 
dinner would be served. 

Milan is the largest city in Italy except Naples ; it 
has about three hundred thousand inhabitants. To- 
morrow we will investigate the curiosities of the 
city. 

Milan is. the capital of Lombardy, situated on the 
pretty little river of Olona, which, notwithstanding its 
diminutive size, is navigable for a great distance. The 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 291 

most noteworthy curiosity of Milan is the cathedral, 
built in the Gothic style. It is claimed as the Eighth 
Wonder of the world by the Milanese. It contains 
two thousand beautiful marble statues and some of 
the best paintings extant. The top of the dome is 
three hundred and sixty feet above the pavement; 
from it Mont Blanc and Mont Cenis can be plainly 
seen. Effie and four others made the ascent, but the 
writer accomplished the task by proxy. The interior 
of the cathedral is supported by fifty-two huge pil- 
lars, twelve feet in diameter, the summits of which 
are adorned with marble statues. The south sacristy 
is richly sculptured with Gothic decorations; the 
treasury is filled with massive silver statues and large 
quantities of candelabra, and contains a silver cross 
equal in size to the one on which the Saviour w*as 
crucified. Gems, jewels, sparkling diamonds, and all 
sorts of precious stones are to be seen on exhibition 
here. It would be folly to venture a guess as to the 
cost of this cathedral and its furniture, statues, paint- 
ings, etc. It would run into millions. 

Where does the money come from that is expended 
on these costly buildings? Answer:' From the poor, 
laboring classes, whose hard-earned pittance is taken 
from them under the forms of law and religion. One- 
half of all the land belongs to the church, one-third 
to the nobility, and only one-sixth belongs to the small 
farmers. No wonder, then, that the streets of every 
city swarm with beggars. I have the highest respect 
for religion, but I am of the opinion that God can hear 
the prayers of a poor sinner from an humble log cabin 



292 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

as well as He can from a church costing millions. 
I believe it was Madame Roland who exclaimed, 
" O Liberty, how many crimes are committed in thy 
name !" " Religion, how many crimes have been 
committed in thy name !" is a phrase I think quite 
apropos to this occasion. 

Varese, July 15. 

Here we are, on this bright Sabbath morning, at 
Grand Hotel, Varese, located high up on the side of 
the Alps. We left Milan at 4 p.m. yesterday, and 
arrived here at 6.30 the same evening. We passed 
some of the grandest scenery in Italy. The plains of 
Lombardy, spreading on all sides as far as the eye 
could reach, presented a picture unsurpassed for beauty. 
The sky-piercing crests of the Alps could be seen far 
in the distance, while the broad plain over which we 
were being carried at the rate of thirty miles an hour 
was covered with ripening wheat, oats, and barley, and 
fruit-orchards of various kinds. The line of road 
skirted the shores of Lake Varese, whose bright blue 
waters looked like a vast fragment of sky that had 
fallen at the base of the Alps. 

As we drew near the mountains a perceptible change 
of temperature was felt, which continued until we came 
near Varese. Overcoats and shawls were now in de- 
mand. A deep layer of ice covered the ground, while 
a cold, biting winter blast came stealing through the 
coach-windows. When we left Milan the weather was 
oppressively hot; when, after a two-hours' run, we 
arrived at Varese, we met a medium-class winter. 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 293 

Varese is a little city of five thousand five hundred 
inhabitants, situated on a charming lake, not at the 
base, but high up on the side of the Alps. The hotel 
where we are stopping was formerly a villa, owned 
by an Italian count, who sold it to its present owner, 
who runs it as a hotel. It is a famous summer resort, 
where people come to enjoy the cool mountain-air and 
the charming scenery by which it is surrounded. The 
snow-clad peaks of the Alps can be seen from the 
window of my room. They seem to be below us, and 
probably they are. It would be impossible to paint 
such a beautiful picture as the one now before me. 

Cadenabia, July 16. 

As the bright rays of the morning sun came stealing 
over the Alpine peaks we found ourselves seated in an 
open carriage drawn by spirited steeds, who skimmed 
the earth at the rate of eight miles an hour. The road 
was level and very smooth, being composed of gravel 
cemented so as to form a compact surface as bumpless as 
a parlor floor. The atmosphere was cool and exhila- 
rating ; the sky was clear, bright-blue, and lovely ; the 
majestic Alps were high and splendid. After an hour's 
ride the lovely Lake of Lugano could be seen quietly 
resting between two lofty Alpine ranges. 

Our party was here transferred from the carriage to 
the deck of a cosey little steamboat, and away we flew 
over the calm, blue bosom of the lake. At eleven 
o'clock we landed at the little city of Lugano. The 
streets were gayly decorated with thousands of pretty 
little flags, representing the colors of all nations. The 

25* 



294 RAPID RAMBLINOS IN EUROPE. 

streets were crowded with visitors, who had come to 
witness a shooting-match, — a contest between two crack 
teams. We saw the Star-Spangled Banner proudly 
floating from the prow of a little boat. 

After inspecting the wonders of this quaint little 
old city, we again placed ourselves aboard of the boat 
and set out for the end of the lake, where we arrived 
at three o'clock. Here we again took carriage, and 
proceeded on our journey toward this place. At four 
o'clock a picture presented itself before us which for 
enchanting beauty could not be surpassed. You will 
find many contradictions in my descriptions, but cir- 
cumstances that caused them will plead for my pardon. 
I thought and said that nothing could equal the beauty 
and charm of a gondola-ride on the Grand Canal at 
Venice by moonlight; I now take it all back, and 
award the prize to Como. When we first caught a 
glimpse of the lovely lake we were on the top of a 
lofty mountain, at least three thousand feet above the 
water. The top of the crag on which our carriage 
stood seemed to stand perpendicularly above the town 
of Cadenabia. 

"How on earth are we going to get down to the 
town?" inquired Efne. 

" Shut your eyes, let all holts go, trust to luck, and 
you are there," said Dick. 

"It is certain that the carriages cannot go down this 
mountain," said Miss Bell. 

" The easiest thing to do in the world," replied Miss 
Stevenson, " provided we could hire some hands to 
sweep the fragments together after we got there." 



RAPID RAMBLINOS IN EUROPE. 295 

The author had the good sense to keep quiet. He 
considers nothing impossible since he was mistaken for 
an Egyptian mummy. 

Well, we came down at last, and that, too, so gently 
that one could not feel a jolt. If you wish to under- 
stand how this wonderful feat was accomplished, take 
a sheet of foolscap paper, make a dot on the upper left- 
hand corner, one inch below it make another, and so on 
until you come to the bottom. Then begin on the 
upper right-hand corner. Make the first dot just half 
an inch below the upper right-hand corner. Then 
make another dot one inch below it, and so on until 
you come to the bottom. Then draw a line from the 
upper dot on the left-hand corner to the upper dot on 
the right-hand corner. Then run your line back to 
the second dot on the left, then back to the second dot 
on the right. Keep a line until you get to the bottom. 
In making your line from the upper left-hand dot, 
run it by a short, gentle curve around the first dot 
on the right, and continue this line until the last lower 
dot is reached. Suppose the width of the sheet of paper 
to be half a mile, and its length three thousand feet, 
and the pencil-line the road, which was cut in the per- 
pendicular side of the mountain ; then you will at once 
comprehend the process by which we made the descent. 
The grade was gradual, the ride pleasant, and the 
novelty indescribably curious. 

It is not alone the beauty of Lake Como that has 
won for it its world-wide fame ; it is the peculiar charm 
which Nature has given to the grand scenery by which 
the shores are bordered. The grand snow-clad crests 



296 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

of the Alpine chain that kisses the bright blue sky- 
on each side; the dark-green foliage that covers the 
base of those lofty mountains; the many charming 
little villages that shine like bright gems in a diadem 
on each shore ; the gaudy palaces, whose marble walls 
glitter like burnished silver in the soft rays of the 
moon ; the cosey villas that are half concealed among 
the blooming magnolias and the ripening lemon ; the 
ravishing odor rising from the vast sea of fragrant 
flowers that appear on every hand ; the plaintive song 
of the nightingale that is heard every night mingling 
its music with the gentle murmur of the waves, — all 
contribute much to the rich treasures of enchantment 
that have made Lake Como famous. Virgil, Bulwer, 
and many other renowned poets have sung the beauties 
of Como, but no pen can do justice to a charm that 
may be felt, but not described. 

July 17. 
The brigade was ready to follow its famous leader at 
an early hour this morning. The first movement was 
a raid on Villa Carlotta, the property of Duke George 
of Saxe-Meiningen. He is a German prince who 
usually resides here during the summer. We took the 
castle by storm, and held it against all opposition for 
two hours. It is the opinion of the author that Bulwer 
had this villa in his mind's eye when he described the 
mythical palace of Claude Melnotte. No lover's dream 
could create a sweeter charm, no poet's pen. describe a 
lovelier sight. The grand old magnolia-trees — twice 
as large as any in America — stand close about the white 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 297 

marble walls of the palace, thrusting their huge white 
blossoms into the windows. Scotch fir, German pine, 
cedar, palm, sycamore, lemon, orange, olive, and va- 
rious other sorts of beautiful trees, are thickly grouped 
about the grounds, making a canopy through which the 
rays of the sun can never penetrate. Innumerable 
shady walks meander in every direction, leading us 
from rural grotto to bubbling fountain, from green, 
mossy arbors to sweet seas of pretty flowers. Thou- 
sands of feathered songsters managed to keep up a con- 
stant melody of delightful sounds. White marble 
statues half covered with dark-green woodbine stand 
like angels at every turn. Terrace rises above terrace 
in front of the house, covered with odorous flowers. 
If one had any poetry in his soul, a view of the Villa 
Carlotta would extract it ; but, as one doesn't happen 
to be suffering with that complaint just now, he must 
knuckle down to prosy facts. When a shrub or a plant 
in Italy makes up its mind to be green, it can be greener 
by many degrees here than in America. The same 
may be said about blue lakes, blue sky, and blue 
mountains. Lake Como would make Prussian blue 
ashamed of itself; a week of Italian sky would make 
a first-class August out of an American February. 
The atmosphere in this country does not mince 
matters. If it takes a notion to warm up the popu- 
lation, it stews them first, then it bakes them, then 
it parches them. Presto ! change ! then it freezes 
them. 

We had a pleasant sail across the lake this evening, 
and most of the party ascended one of the small moun- 



298 RAPID RAMBLINOS IN EUROPE. 

tains on the other side, where a splendid view of the 
lake is to be had. 



Furca, July 18. 

Immediately after breakfast this morning we boarded 
a boat and set sail for the city of Como, situated at the 
end of the lake. Here we took the train for Goschenen, 
passing through the St. Gothard tunnel. I regard the 
construction of this railroad as one of the grandest re- 
sults ever accomplished by an engineer, the Suez Canal 
and the Mississippi jetties not excepted. In making 
this remark, I do not refer alone to the tunnel. It is 
the scientific engineering that was necessary to make a 
road here, so as to reach the point where the grand 
tunnel begins. 

I know of no better way to describe this wonderful 
work than to tell you to take a common wire mattress- 
spring, set it on the ground, and imagine it to be one 
mile in circumference. Suppose the wire to be the line 
of the railroad, all the while gradually rising toward 
the top, crossing itself, at the end of each circuit, at 
least two hundred feet above where the last crossing 
was made. This would perhaps not appear so very 
wonderful if the meanderings were made on the sides 
of the craggy mountains, but you must remember that 
the line of the road makes most of these circuits under- 
ground. The train runs around and around under the 
mountain, but all the time coming gradually up until a 
point midway up is reached; then the final plunge into 
the grand tunnel is made. An elevation of five thou- 
sand feet is reached by this road. An air-line from 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 299 

the point where the grade begins to where it ends would 
not exceed six miles. Therefore you understand that 
no small amount of meandering is necessary to accom- 
plish this wonderful feat. 

When we got through the tunnel, we found our- 
selves at the village of Goschenen, where we took 
carriages for this place. We now began a journey 
which for wild grandeur of scenery could not be 
surpassed. 

Furca is nothing but a commodious hotel perched 
high up on the summit of the Alps. It, however, is 
by no means the highest point on the Alps, being ouly 
about ten thousand feet above the sea. 

I never experienced a colder day than this one has 
been here. The snow is ten feet deep within fifty 
yards of the table on which I am writing. Vast fields 
of ice may be seen in every direction, while a biting 
wind whistles and howls around. The idea of being 
nearly frozen to death in the middle of July is as novel 
to me as it is unpleasant. We had concluded to spend 
the 19th on this mountain, but it required no urging 
to induce every one to consent to get away as soon as 
possible, therefore we will hasten down the mountain 
in the morning. 

The road from Goschenen to Furca is a curiosity that 
I should like very much to describe, but that indeed 
would be an impossibility. We travelled at least 
twenty miles between the two places, yet they are not 
over four miles apart. The road winds round the sur- 
face of the mountain, every now and then closely skirt- 
ing the verge of a yawning abyss, the bottom of which 



300 RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. 

is a thousand feet below, the carriage- wheel all the 
time running within ten inches of the brink. It makes 
one feel slightly uncomfortable to look down into one 
of these deep gulfs as the horses jog along. If a horse 
should stumble or a strap break, an inquest might be 
necessary a quarter of a mile below. In fact, such a 
thing did happen on the Tete -Noire Pass three years 
ago. A family consisting of husband, wife, two daugh- 
ters, and an infant son, occupied seats in a carriage ; 
one of the horses shied slightly, but enough to throw 
one wheel over the brink, and down went horses, car- 
riage, driver, and family. Nothing but an unrecog- 
nizable mass of flesh and bones was ever found. No 
one can imagine the joy we felt when crowding around 
the bright blazing fire at Furca after making this peril- 
ous ascent. 

The road from Goschenen to Furca passes over the 
Devil's Bridge, — a most wonderful curiosity. I do not 
know by what means it obtained this name, but I am 
sure that a sight of the boiling whirlpool to be seen 
beneath the bridge causes one to think of the devil's 
dominions. A picture of his Satanic Highness is 
painted on the face of the vast cliff that overlooks the 
bridge. The artist made a success of the devil's tail, 
but failed on the horns. Then he only gave him two 
eyes, while, according to the Raphaelistic theory, he was 
entitled to three. 

Martigny, Jaly 19. 
At seven o'clock this morning we made an early 
movement toward a warmer climate, having been 



RAPID RAMB LINGS IN EUROPE. 301 

slightly disgusted with the prevailing weather at Furca, 
cloaks, blankets, shawls, overcoats, and gloves being 
immensely demanded. Notwithstanding the discom- 
fort by which we were besieged, we halted at the Rhone 
glacier, which lies near the road. This was the first 
glacier I ever saw. I had expected to see a vast field 
of white smooth ice, but I beheld nothing of the sort. 
The Rhone glacier resembles a broad strip of a stormy 
ocean that had suddenly turned to blue ice, but still 
retaining the shape of the waves and the peculiar color 
of the waters. The surface of the glacier is thickly 
intersected with innumerable deep ravines, or crevices, 
the sides of which have that beautiful deep-blue color 
peculiar to Italian lakes. The crests of the waves are 
white, but not so with the sides. If one looks at the 
Falls of Niagara, he sees that deep-blue color. Now, 
if that vast quantity of water was suddenly converted 
into ice, it would still retain its blue color. Just so it 
is with the Rhone glacier. The ice seems to be broken 
into ten thousand uniform slices, or waves, standing 
on their edge, with bottomless caverns between the 
slices. 

The line of our road from the Rhone glacier to Brieg 
was similar to the one we travelled over yesterday from 
Goschenen to Furca. We, however, had the advantage 
of this road, being at the upper instead of the lower 
end of it. After a tedious ride of nine hours we came 
dashing into Brieg, where we took the train for Mar- 
tigny. 

I am not prepared to furnish a sensible reason for 
crossing, the Alps again the very next day, which we 

26 



302 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

have resolved to do. Perhaps if I tell you of a joke 
that was indulged in by a crowd of mischief-making 
Swiss at Brieg, you may be able to guess why we have 
determined to recross the Alps. Every member of the 
party was talking at the same time, each one endeavor- 
ing to speak louder than the other and gesticulating in 
a very boisterous manner. I heard the Swiss jabbering 
in a low tone, while the manner in which they pointed 
at us convinced me that their conversation referred 
to us. 

"What are those men talking about?" I inquired, 
addressing our courier. 

"They say that an American lunatic asylum has 
been struck by lightning, killing a few inmates, and 
that the survivors are travelling with their keeper 
in Switzerland until a new one can be built for 
them." 

"Good!" said Chittenden. 

" It's our treat !" cried Dick. 

" They think they are very smart," said Effie. 

" I think so, too," replied Miss Bell. 

Martigny is a charming little village situated at the 
foot of the Alps, near the lower end of the Tete-Noire 
Pass. Here we occupied apartments at a splendid 
hotel, and to say we ate a hearty dinner would be but 
a feeble expression, considering the fact that we had 
fasted and travelled eleven hours through a nipping 
atmosphere. Only two meals a day are furnished by 
the hotels on the Continent, — breakfast at nine (unless 
ordered earlier), and dinner at six. If you want lunch, 
you can order it and pay for it. In Italy the people 



r 



fto*> 




THE JUDGE. 



RAPID RAMBLINOS IN EUROPE. 303 

have studied the American tourist well. They measure 
him, they weigh him, they know him, and they " go for 
him." They can set thousands of seductive little traps 
to catch him. I know of what I speak, for I have 
often been caught. Did you ever hear of the tricky 
speculator who gave the man a ramrod and a percussion- 
cap, and then induced him to purchase a gun, in order 
to utilize the cap and ramrod ? Something similar to 
it is the way American tourists are bamboozled by 
Italians. 

For instance, ask the proprietor of a hotel how much 
he will charge per day to board and lodge you. 

" Two dollars," is the usual answer. 

You strike a trade at once, deeming the price very 
reasonable. Breakfast is announced ; you are furnished 
with a cup of coffee and bread and butter. Nothing 
else is in sight; nothing else is to be had. You must 
subsist on sad thoughts until six o'clock P.M., or pay 
seventy-five cents for lunch. Suppose, while taking 
lunch, you imagine that a cup of coffee would stop your 
headache. You whisper to the waiter an order for 
coffee; it comes in an incredibly short time. Well, 
you don't like coffee without milk, and so inform the 
waiter ; the milk comes promptly. Everything looks 
lovely and seems to glide smoothly on. You call for 
ice, and ice comes as if by magic. When you go to 
settle your bill, you find the items beautifully -specified 
on a little slip of gilt-edged note-paper reeking with 
rich perfume. It would read like this : 

"Item 1. Board and lodging one day, $2.00; lunch, 
75 cents; coffee, 25 cents; cream, 20 cents; ice, 10 



304 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

cents; candles, 15 cents; soap, 10 cents; attendance, 
50 cents." 

We have all been victims to this peculiar mode, but 
it is safe to say that we are growing wiser as we grow 
older. Who can fail to learn useful knowledge under 
such circumstances ? 

"We experience no little amount of inconvenience in 
keeping ourselves supplied with current funds, owing 
to the fact that we pass so often and so quickly from 
one nation to another. I attempted to pay for some 
fruit at Lugano with Italian money, which was 
rejected, the vender informing me that we were in 
Switzerland. A broker gave me Swiss silver for a 
ten-franc coin, charging a franc for exchange. Before 
I could buy the fruit, the boat- whistle blew the signal 
for departure. At the end of an hour's run we landed 
at a village on the other side of the lake, where my 
Swiss money would not pay for a lunch, because we 
were in Italy. If you stump your toe in a kingdom 
you fall on a republic, and by the time you get up you 
are in an empire. 



RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. 305 



CHAPTER XXIV. 

Chamounix, July 20. 

Well, here we are at last, snugly housed in a good 
hotel, from the windows of which may be had a splen- 
did view of Mont Blanc. I had not been here thirty 
minutes before I was making my way to the top of this 
majestic mountain. I accomplished the ascent in less 
than twenty minutes, without encountering any obstacle 
whatever, except a few impertinent clouds that seemed 
bent on retarding my journey. I went up by Mark 
Twain's lightning-express line, — a delightful route 
which was invented by Mark himself. A fee of one 
franc is the only cost incurred by this line. It was 
formerly called the telescope- elevator until Mark added 
his amendment. 

The route from Martigny to Chamounix lies across 
the Tete-Noire Pass, which differs but very little from 
the one we travelled when coming over the Furca Pass. 
We did not suffer quite so much from cold weather to- 
day as we did at Furca, because the top of the Tete- 
Noire Pass is not so much exposed as was the other. 

Chamounix is quite a small village, located in a 
beautiful valley at the base of Mont Blanc, and has a 
population of two thousand. It is a manufacturing 
town, doing a thriving business. The principal arti- 
cles produced here are alpenstocks, pack-saddles, and 
lazy mules, with all of which I have had a sad ex- 
perience. 

u 26* 



306 RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. 

We have crossed over the top of the Alps twice, 
and under them twice. We went under at Mont Cenis 
and St. Gothard ; we went over at Furca and Tete- 
Noire. I am gorged with Alps, I am sick of the Alps, 
and I am anxious to get out of sight of them. 

July 21. 

This has been a day that I will surely never forget. 
If sore feet, aching bones, and starvation don't make 
an indelible impression on my mind, the recollection 
of lazy mnles, impertinent guides, and alpenstock 
peddlers certainly will. We have performed the 
hardest day's work to-day that has been done since we 
arrived on the Continent. Twelve lazy mules, twelve 
lazy guides, and twelve American tourists, crawling up 
a zigzag path, where an American goat would be 
afraid to go ! An elevation of ten thousand feet to be 
climbed before we could reach the glacier which we 
were bent on seeing ! 

Effie's mule was as tame as a cat, but his nature 
resembled that of the American mule. He amused 
himself by kicking every one who came near him. 
They had a little cannon on top of the mountain, 
which was frequently fired so as to let the visitors 
hear the extensive echo. The report would rebound 
from side to side, making as many reports as a dozen 
shots would make on low ground. Effie's mule kicked 
at the first report, and then kicked at each echo. If 
a rock started to roll down the mountain, that mule 
would kick at it if it was a thousand yards from him. 
When we got up near the top of the mountain, a little 



RAPID RAMBLING S IN EUROPE. 307 

cloud came stealing along below us ; that mule kicked 
at that cloud as loug as he could see it. I heard some 
one cry, " Oh !" and, looking back, I saw one of the 
guides rubbing his shin. I think he was cursing 
mules, though I could not understand what he said. 
His gestures were of a vigorous nature, and he was 
shaking his fist at the kicking mule. Each mule was 
led by a guide. 

At the end of four hours we arrived at Mer de 
Glace. Here the mules were sent back, while the 
brigade made preparations to march across the frozen 
sea. Each member being armed with an alpenstock, — 
an indispensable weapon, — we mounted the glacier and 
moved forward. An alpenstock is a pole eight feet 
long, and an inch and a half in diameter, with a hook 
on one end and a sharp spike on the other. The spike, 
when driven into the ice, prevented one from slip- 
ping into those yawning caverns that are so plentiful. 
The hook is used in climbing up the mountain. By 
catching hold of a rock or a tree with the hook, one 
could pull himself up over places that he could not 
pass without it. 

We crossed the glacier in twenty minutes; it is 
about half a mile across it. The most perilous part 
of the trip was encountered while descending the 
mountain after crossing the glacier. At one place, 
our path ran along the brink of a precipice, where an 
iron rod was fastened, to which the tourist had to cling 
in order to keep himself from slipping over. Little 
notches, only ten inches wide, were cut in the rock, 
where we might plant our feet. The slightest mistake 



308 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

in planting the feet would produce an inquest. Here 
is where the guides made themselves useful. Each one 
clung to his employer tenaciously, crying, "Courage! 
courage! No danger!" etc. When the brigade reached 
the base of the mountain, it (the brigade) was in a 
dilapidated condition, and I was afraid that a hospital 
would be necessary, but I am happy to be able to report 
the entire command ready for duty now. 

The French language is spoken in all parts of Italy 
and Switzerland. 

We will go to Geneva to-morrow. 

Geneva, July 23. 

We have to-day accomplished a task that required no 
small amount of labor. At an early hour we placed 
ourselves under the command of an experienced guide, 
who promised to show us the sights of the city. That 
promise has been in all respects complied with. 

Geneva, although not by any means a populous city, 
covers a large area of ground, which to inspect thor- 
oughly requires much travel. The city is nearly 
equally divided by the Rhone, which runs out of Lake 
Leman near its centre. The population is fifty thou- 
sand. The houses are all built of stone, neatly pol- 
ished. The streets in the new part of the city are 
broad and pretty, but narrow and ugly in the old part. 

We visited the church where Jean Cauin (commonly 
called "John Calvin") thundered forth his denunci- 
ation against the Roman Catholics. The old building, 
the walls of which are composed of large blocks of 
dark-gray stone, looks as if it would last until the end 



RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. 309 

of time. The chair occupied by the great reformer 
over three hundred years ago was shown to us. 

Immediately in the rear of the church stands the 
stone house in which Calvin resided for twenty-one 
years, and in which he died in 1564. His great theo- 
logical victories obtained for him almost sovereign 
power, but it is a deplorable fact that he used it in a 
most cruel manner to punish his enemies. It was by 
Calvin's order that Michael Servius was put to death. 
It is to be regretted that one who had done so much 
good should have been guilty of such cruelty. The 
victim of this tragedy was not a citizen of Geneva. 
He was merely a visitor, temporarily residing here, and 
was arrested, tried, and burned, because he differed with 
Calvin upon theological questions. The spot where 
this martyr was executed is shown to tourists. It is on 
a little hill south of the city. 

Madame de Stael and Jean Jacques Rousseau were 
born here ; also many other persons of literary renown. 
The Musee Rath contains many things worth seeing. 
A picture of Marie de Medicis, by Thailier, is a splendid 
piece of work. A look at the splendid marble statues 
is well worth the attention of visitors. 

There is a delightful absence of beggars in Switzer- 
land, and one may uncork a bottle of champagne with- 
out hitting one with the cork. The churches here are 
not gaudy and costly, but God is devoutly worshipped 
nevertheless. The people of Switzerland don't pray 
by proxy ; they kneel down in their little rock cabins 
on the mountains, and send up their petitions by a 
direct line. 



310 RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. 

The Swiss are a frugal, industrious, sober people, who 
love liberty and admire heroism. They keep every- 
thing clean and neat, and excel the world raising pretty 
flowers. The most charming gardens are to be seen on 
every hand, filled with the greatest variety of plants. 
The windows of every house are full of geraniums 
of different colors, — a favorite flower among the Swiss. 
Every available spot of ground on the mountain-side is 
utilized. Innumerable little rock huts may be seen 
perched so high among the crags that one would im- 
agine that a Rocky Mountain goat could not climb to 
them. Nevertheless, these huts are inhabited by a 
happy people, who make a good living where an 
American would starve. Indeed, an American would 
be afraid to risk his life in an attempt to reach the 
fearful height. I judge others by my own feelings. 

I found quite an interesting story floating around 
without an owner the other day, and have appropriated 
it to my own use. 

" Once upon a time (thus runs the story) a man who 
lived in a little cabin near the summit of the moun- 
tain, while seated in the back door, dropped asleep and 
fell out of the door, which produced an inquest in an- 
other canton (county), four thousand feet below. The 
lower canton paid the funeral expenses, presented the 
bill to the upper canton, and demanded payment, which 
was refused. The lower community captured a gang of 
goats belonging to the upper one, and sold them to pay 
the funeral expenses. The upper canton retaliated by 
seizing a drove of cattle belonging to the lower one. 
A company of soldiers attempted to take their cattle, 



RAPID RAMBLINOS IN EUROPE. 3H 

but were driven back, and three of them were killed. 
War ensued, blood flowed like water, hundreds of lives 
were sacrificed, all because one man fell out of one 
county into another." 

This story was not sworn to by my informant. If 
the man did not fall, he missed a good opportunity, for 
all the surroundings are favorable. 

July 24. 

At eight o'clock this morning we boarded a pretty 
little steamboat and set out on our journey to Chillon. 
So many charming descriptions of Lake Leman have 
been written, so many poets have sung of its beauties, 
that the best thing I can do is merely to keep quiet on 
that subject. 

The lake, from one end to the other, is bordered with 
many bright, beautiful villages, ensconced beneath the 
long blue mountain-range that rises majestically in the 
rear. The shadiest parks, the prettiest gardens, the most 
fragrant flowers, the cleanest streets, and the most cosey 
houses greet the beholder on every hand. 

A run of three hours brought us to the town, and 
then a fifteen-minute walk landed us at the famous Castle 
of Chillon, where I had looked for a prison, but in less 
than thirty minutes I had settled the question satisfac- 
torily. It is a prison and a palace combined. Many 
centuries ago it was occupied by the Duke of Savoy, 
whose tyrannical deeds furnished the theme of Byron's 
beautiful poem. 

We have ample proof that the Castle of Chillon 
was built over a thousand years ago. Its sombre walls 



312 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

rise up from the bosom of the beautiful lake like a 
colossal ghost grinning derisively at the onward march 
of science and civilization. It is a monument of tyr- 
anny, the sight of which makes us shudder, but in- 
creases our love for liberty. What a horrible story we 
should hear if the ghost of Francis Bonnivard could 
rise up before us and tell what he suffered within those 
dismal walls. The flinty rocks of the floor of his dun- 
geon bear the marks of his footsteps, where he paced 
back and forth for six long years, chained as he was to a 
large stone column that rises in the centre. A large iron 
ring is fastened to a bolt that runs through the column ; 
the ring is about fifteen inches above the floor. To this 
ring Bonnivard was fastened with a short chain, which 
allowed him a walking space only two feet wide by four 
feet in length. The floor is made of huge blocks of 
blue limestone, and a sort of a trough about four inches 
deep and two feet wide has been worn out by the foot- 
steps of the prisoner, who trod back and forth there 
for six years. I had often read Byron's poem, " The 
Prisoner of Chillon," but I did not really comprehend 
its full meaning until I saw where the rock had been 
worn away by Bonnivard's feet. 

" Chillon, thy prison is a holy place, 

And thy sad floor an altar ; for 'twas trod 
Until his very steps have left a trace, 

Worn as if the cold pavement were a sod, 
By Bonnivard. May none those marks efface, 
For they appeal from tyranny to God." 

One could scarcely believe that sad story, were it not 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 313 

for the ample proof, both positive and circumstantial, 
to be found in the prison and at Geneva. Francis 
Bonnivard was a heroic soldier, a true Christian, and 
a classical scholar, who was hated by the tyrannical 
Duke of Savoy. He defeated the duke in many bat- 
tles, compelling him to make peace on humiliating 
terms. After the war was ended, the duke by treach- 
erous means captured Bonnivard, and imprisoned him 
in the castle. 

The Castle of Chillon is built in the water of Lake 
Leman. The walls are six feet thick. A tall tower 
rises in the centre, reaching far above the body of the 
castle. Six smaller towers rise on the sides, and the 
whole building is enclosed by a huge stone wall. 
Three sides of the castle are washed by the waves of 
Lake Leman, while a deep moat protects the other 
side. The entrance is made by crossing a narrow 
bridge, and going through a huge iron gate. We 
were conducted down a dark flight of stone steps, 
which ended at the torture-room, where many of the 
implements may be seen. A block and tackle hung 
upon a wooden cross where the victims were drawn 
up, so as to bring them four or five feet above the 
floor. Many black charred spots may be seen on the 
wooden post; they were made by red-hot irons while 
burning the feet of victims. Immediately above this 
horrible place, and not more than fifteen feet from it. is 
the sleeping-room of the duchess. No doubt she often 
chatted, laughed, and feasted with her friends while the 
screams and groans of the tortured victims sounded on 
her ears. In a little dark cell near Bonnivard's prison 
o 27 



314 RAPID RA MB LINGS IN EUROPE. 

may be seen a large wooden beam, each end of which 
has been worked into the wall. To this beam the 
victim was hung when the death penalty was to be 
inflicted. 



CHAPTER XXV. 



Lausanne, July 25. 
Well, here we are at the charming little city of 
Interlaken, at the close of a hard day's work. After 
a thorough investigation of the prison of Chillon, 
we boarded a boat and set sail for Ouchy, a little 
town situated on a sloping hill near the lake. As we 
approached the village, the golden rays of the setting 
sun danced over the smooth surface of the lake, giving 
it the appearance of a vast field of burnished gold. As 
the swift-sailing boat disturbed the calm waters, causing 
it to break into a thousand diminutive waves, it pre- 
sented a sight of exquisite beauty. The waves seemed 
to leap over the dancing rays of the sun, mixing the 
two colors, while each wave appeared to be fringed 
with a wreath of sparkling diamonds. No wonder is 
it, then, that poets have so often sung of the enchanting 
scenery of Lake Leman. It was on the shores of this 
lovely lake that Byron composed some of his best 
poetry. He often wandered alone among the rugged 
mountain-crags that overlook the lake. Seating him- 
self on some lofty point, he would set his mighty mind 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 315 

to work, and thrill the world with the products of his 
wonderful brain. It was on the shores of this roman- 
tic lake that Gibbon composed and wrote a work that 
will cause his name to live forever. About all Swiss 
villages there is a peculiar fascination which to be ap- 
preciated must be personally witnessed. Ouchy looks 
like a thousand square towers of ice half buried in a 
sea of flowers, while an army of green woodbine vines 
seem bent on smothering everything to death, and a 
host of feathered songsters are singing a sweet requiem 
over the dying beauty. 

Madame de Stael's villa is situated on a sloping 
hill, about a thousand yards from the water's edge, 
on the right bank as we go from Ouchy to Geneva. 
This is the charming spot where she sought inspira- 
tion and, no doubt, found it; for her name occupies 
no insignificant position on the tablet of literary re- 
nown. 

A wave of inspiration came over me yesterday 
evening, and the world would have been delighted with 
a collection of brand-new ideas but for an unlucky 
incident which prevented me from committing them to 
paper. My brain was painfully crowded with lofty 
ideas; charming poetry streamed through every vein 
and struggled for permission to escape. Pen, ink, and 
paper were sought and secured. I seized my pen and 
began thusly : 

On Leraan's flowery shore 

Sat a half-famished sinner ; 
Like Twist, he wanted more, 

As he watched and waited for dinner. 



316 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

Of mutton-chops did the hero dream 
As a fair maiden crept to his side ; 

She startled him with a wild scream, — 
"Dinner is ready, papa!" she cried. 

Just at this moment the dinner-bell rang, and Effie 
came running into the room and in an ecstasy of joy 
cried, — 

" Come quick, papa ! They've got ice cream and 
apple-tarts for dinner !" 

My Pegasus fled in disgust. The fit of inspiration 
afflicted me no more. My Pierian spring went dry, 
and I have nothing to do but to curse the inventor of 
table-d'hOte dinners. Where is the cruel father that 
could resist the cry of " ice cream and apple-tarts/' 
when uttered by a hungry daughter? Let it be dis- 
tinctly understood that I am not one of them. This 
unfortunate event has deprived the world of one of the 
sweetest of songs. The fit of poetic inspiration has 
never attacked me since ; but if the disease should re- 
turn, I will finish the song. 

The road leading from Ouchy to Lausanne is smooth 
and beautiful, though a continuous up-grade all the 
way. 

Soon after the boat landed at Ouchy, the brigade, 
baggage and all, was crammed into an omnibus, and 
began to climb the mountains at a snail's pace. The 
ladies occupied seats inside, while the men took a 
rough-and-tumble ride on top. 

By the time we reached the hotel at Lausanne, we 
were surrounded by a large crowd of boys, who fre- 
quently asked when the show would open. 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 317 

" What do they mean ?" inquired Dick, addressing 
our conductor. 

"They think we are a travelling menagerie," was 
the reply. 

" How could they think otherwise, with Dick on the 
front seat?" exclaimed Chittenden. 

" And an African gorilla by his side," replied Dick, 
pointing at Chittenden ; " and an Egyptian mummy in 
the rear," pointing at me. 

Lausanne is the capital of the Canton de Vaud, and 
has a population of thirty thousand. It occupies an 
elevated plateau on the sloping side of Mont Jorat. 
The old castle, whose gray towers almost pierce the 
clouds, is prominent among the curiosities of the city. 
The cathedral, built nearly seven hundred years ago, is 
yet in a good state of preservation, and looks as if it 
would stand a thousand years longer. It was in this 
building that Calvin, Farel, and Viret raised the great 
religious row that caused the separation of Vaud from 
the Romish Church and the suppression of supremacy 
of Savoy. What a pity it is they did not suppress the 
inventor of the table-d'hdte dinner system, while they 
were in the suppressing mood ! 

There is nothing very attractive in the city of Laus- 
anne, but the splendid view of the adjacent mountains 
— which may be obtained by a few minutes' walk above 
the town — is superb. Many of the grandest Alpine 
mountains may be seen from here, while the panoramic 
view of the surrounding country is charming. Thou- 
sands of grape vineyards green with growing vines, 
hundreds of shining villages dotting the distant hills 

27* 



318 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

like jewels in a crown, vast herds of cattle, sheep, and 
goats quietly browsing on the mountain side, the shep- 
herdess with her tricolored costume, — all go to make 
up a romantic picture, beautiful to behold and difficult 
to describe. 

The people of Switzerland deserve the highest praise, 
for they are industrious, sober, economical, religious, 
and honest. They have the finest roads, the prettiest 
villages, the cleanest hotels, the most charming gardens, 
the best-cultivated farms, of any nation through which 
we have travelled. Their government is to all intents 
and purposes democratic, and in many respects resem- 
bles that of the United States. Their president is 
elected every three years by the popular vote, without 
being hampered by the electoral college, as in the 
United States. Each canton has its separate govern- 
ment, and any attempt of the general government to 
encroach on the rights reserved for the cantons would 
be attended with no little danger. The severest pun- 
ishment is inflicted on parents who permit their chil- 
dren to beg ; consequently no beggars are to be seen. 

This morning, at an early hour, we boarded the train 
for Friberg, where we arrived after a delightful ride 
over a country thickly dotted with bright villages and 
white farm-houses. We first paid our respects to the 
famous suspension-bridge. When I say " famous" I 
mean it, but how and why it got its fame is a question 
now open for debate. To compare it with the Brook- 
lyn bridge would be like comparing a wheelbarrow 
with a railway locomotive. 

We were eager to hear the grand organ, which was 



RAPID RAMBL1NGS IN EUROPE. 319 

to be played upon at one o'clock. The payment of a 
franc was necessary to secure a ticket, which amount 
each one disbursed and we walked in. It is a misno- 
mer to call that organ a musical instrument. If I were 
under bond requiring me to invent a new-fashioned 
tornado, I would consider my bond cancelled if I could 
rent or buy that organ. It is as large as Noah's ark, 
and doubtless cost twice as much money. It has over 
seven thousand pipes, some of which are over thirty 
feet long. The amount of air required to run the 
machine would be enough to start a respectable hurri- 
cane. 

While we were all sitting on a hard bench waiting 
for the music to commence, my mind fell into one of 
those day-dreams which often waylay me. I was 
thinking of earthquakes, tornadoes, shipwrecks, and 
many other delightful things, when all of a sudden my 
ears were greeted by a noise like distant thunder as the 
building began £0 tremble from roof to floor. I made 
a dash toward the door, being frightened half to death 
by the belief that I was in the midst of an earthquake. 
Just as I was in the act of leaping into the street the 
skirt of my coat was seized by the sexton, who brought 
me to a sudden halt. 

" Stop !" said he, " it is only the organ you hear." 

After a short scuffle he succeeded in replacing me on 
the bench, where I managed to keep quiet until the 
show closed. 

Of all the soul-scraping sounds that ever tortured 
the nerves of mankind, that made by this organ is the 
most horrible. A rail way -train running over an iron 



320 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

bridge at the rate of fifty miles an hour would make 
sweeter music. Many years ago, I saw a tornado strike 
the shop of a boiler-manufacturer in the suburbs of St. 
Louis. A thousand sheets of iron and a score of half- 
finished boilers were snatched up and dashed violently 
against one another, and as they went rattling and 
tumbling over the rocks they made music in all re- 
spects similar to that produced by the Friberg organ. 

I drew a long breath of relief when the concert 
closed. I will not go there any more while I am sane. 

In a small square at Friberg stands an old-time tree 
fourteen feet in circumference, partially supported by 
stone pillars. Tradition has interwoven an interesting 
legend with the history of this venerable tree. As the 
story goes, the tree sprung from a small twig brought 
from the battle-field of Morat, in the year 1476, by a 
youthful courier who was sent to carry the news of the 
great victory to the citizens of the city. He fell on the 
ground where the tree stands and expired from the loss 
of blood, occasioned by wounds received in the great 
battle. With his last breath he cried, " Victory ! vic- 
tory ! victory!" and in his dying struggle stuck the 
twig in the ground and watered it with his blood. The 
twig took root, grew, and flourished, and soon became a 
gigantic tree. Now, we are bound to believe this story, 
because the tree is there to show for itself. 

When we first entered the city and began to march 
toward the suspension-bridge, I was startled by feeling 
my leg seized and a slight pinch inflicted. The first 
thing that I thought of was rabid dogs; but, instead 
of seeing a dog when I faced about, I beheld a pretty 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 321 

little girl, not over four years old, with a bunch of 
flowers in her hand, which she asked me to purchase. 
By way of attracting my attention, she had given my 
leg a vigorous pinch. Admiring her energy and beauty, 
I bought the flowers and passed on to the bridge, then 
to the cathedral. After a two hours' stroll about the 
streets, I felt the same pinch on my leg. Looking 
around, lo, and behold ! there stood the same little girl 
with a bunch of flowers, which she urged me to pur- 
chase. Dick and Chittenden had stolen my flowers 
and given them back to her, and had assisted her in 
selling them to me the second time. 

Having effectually investigated the sights of Friberg, 
we took the train for Bern, where we arrived in time 
to make an excursion through all the streets worthy of 
notice before night. Most prominent among the curi- 
osities of this city is the wonderful old clock perched 
on the tower of the corn-hall. A wooden cock flaps 
his wings, stretches his neck, and crows. This is a 
signal given exactly three minutes before the end of 
every hour. As soon as the signal is given a troop of 
bears begin to march around a seated figure. At the 
end of three minutes a Harlequin counts the hours by 
the number of strokes on the bell. The cock then 
crows again, which is the signal calling a bearded old 
man to work. The old man now turns an hour-glass 
and counts the hours with his staff, which he moves up 
and down once for each hour, at the same time opening 
and closing his mouth as if counting them with his 
lips. One of the bears bosses the job and bows his 
head at each stroke, as if verifying the correctness of 



322 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

the count. The cock then crows the third time, which 
announces an hour recess ; and the show closes, to be 
reopened by the usual signal. 

Bern is the capital of Canton Bern, and has a popu- 
lation of forty-five thousand. Bears are as plentiful in 
Bern as priests are in Rome ; but it must be remem- 
bered that the bear is the heraldic emblem of the city, 
and, to judge from the vast number of those animals 
to be seen there, one would imagine that they were held 
in high esteem by the inhabitants. Stone bears, wooden 
bears, marble bears, iron bears, mud bears, porcelain 
bears, brass bears, and all sorts of bears are to be seen 
in every street in the city. A large den of living bears 
may be seen just across the Aar, a charming little river 
that meanders through the lower portion of the town. 
This den contains many of the largest-sized bears, as 
well as many cubs. The shop-windows are filled with 
miniature bears, made of ivory and wood. 

" Why do you people love the bears so much ?" I 
inquired of a shopkeeper. 

"The bear is our patron saint," was the prompt 
answer. 

This was indeed a higher office than our American 
bears had ever aspired to. 

The day was well gone when we again boarded a 
train and left Bern en route for Interlaken, w r here we 
arrived at eleven o'clock last night. We are in the 
very midst of some of the grandest Alpine scenery. 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 323 



CHAPTER XXYI. 

Interlaken, July 26. 

The little city of Interlaken is as pretty as a Ken- 
tucky belle clad in silk. The beautiful blue Lake of 
Tliun lies on one side, and Lake Brienz on the other, 
while the little river Aar runs dancing and foaming 
through the very heart of the town. The Jungfrau, 
with its snow-covered crests, rises majestically above 
the valley, presenting one of the most imposing views 
to be seen in Switzerland. It is about fifteen miles 
from Interlaken, but on a clear day it appears to be 
less than two. 

The old Castle of Unspunen occupies the crest of a 
lofty eminence on the right side of the road leading 
from Interlaken to Jungfrau. This grand old ruin, 
like many others, has its romantic history. I wan- 
dered alone among its crumbling walls and rugged 
towers, and silently listened to the melancholy murmur 
of the wind as it blew through the loopholes. My 
imagination filled the castle with gallant knights and 
charming ladies such as dwelt there a thousand years 
ago. If it is true that ghosts occasionally obtain fur- 
loughs, enabling them to visit the earth, I would most 
respectfully call their attention to this magnificent ruin, 
as a suitable place for them to enjoy their nocturnal 
revel ; I think I can safely promise them undisturbed 
possession of the castle every evening after the close of 
business hours in the city. Under no circumstances 



324 RAPID RAMBLING S IN EUROPE. 

will they be disturbed by me, nor by the citizens of 
Interlaken. 

While wandering in the neighborhood of Unspunen, 
I met a first-class legend which appeared to be an 
orphan ; I, like a Good Samaritan, took it in, and 
resolved to be its father : 

In the days when Lord Grabembetter was the owner 
of Unspunen Castle he had a beautiful daughter, whose 
charming disposition, gentle manners, and goodness of 
heart caused scores of brave knights to make fools of 
themselves about her. Each one was ready to swear 
that if the fair damsel did not marry him she never 
should be the bride of another. In fact, it is rumored 
that several such oaths were actually placed on file; 
but they must have been lost or mislaid, as, after dili- 
gent search, no such documents can be found among 
Lord Grabembetter's papers. While the army of 
suitors were preparing to cut one another's throats 
about the fair Addeldeen (that was the maiden's 
name), she was having a good time with a lover of 
low degree, who had supplied her with chewing-gum 
and peppermint-candy during all the days of her 
childhood ; indeed, he had been her inseparable com- 
panion while she wore short dresses and bib-aprons, 
but when her mamma caused her to be clad in long 
silk robes with extensive trains trimmed with Vene- 
tian laces she was commanded to give up her youthful 
lover. An extensive lecture was delivered to Addel- 
deen by her proud mamma, in which she expatiated on 
the brilliant prospects her daughter had of winning a 
desirable husband, provided she would show a respect 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 325 

for the rules of propriety by cutting the acquaintance 
of her low-born lover. Addeldeen listened attentively 
to the eloquent speech, and no doubt meant to govern 
herself accordingly ; at least, such was the opinion of 
the mother. But, alas ! where is the heartless maiden 
who can be untrue to the man who has spent the best 
days of his youth in robbing birds 7 nests for her? Ad- 
deldeen's pretty head was as full of brains inside as it 
was of golden hair without, but her heart was full of 
" what she believed to be sympathy/ 7 but it was with 
love for Richard Splugermud. 

It was decided by Lord Grabembetter and his proud 
wife that Addeldeen might have one farewell interview 
with her plebeian lover for the purpose of delivering 
to him an unlimited leave of absence. My informant 
told me that the lovers met by moonshine on a moss- 
covered stone outside of the castle walls. Moonshine is 
a dangerous substance under which to shelter two ardent 
young lovers who are commanded to part forever. I 
have the best authority for saying that Richard was no 
booby ; in fact, he was every inch a man, — brave, sen- 
sible, handsome, well built, and in all respects worthy 
of any lady's love, but he had the misfortune to be 
born poor, and I am informed that many other men 
have been born in the same way. I can make an 
exhibit of one melancholy example. v 

Richard Splugermud was a shepherd who loved 
sheep, but who loved Addeldeen more. He was 
ambitious like Caesar, and had a mind to quit the 
sheep business, marry a lord's daughter, and run a 
castle of his own. Old Grabembetter resolved to 

28 



326 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

thwart his little scheme, swearing by Jupiter, Juno, 
and several other distinguished deities that he would 
cut off Dick's head if he did not immediately leave 
the country. Dick very correctly concluded that, 
having already lost his heart, he could not conven- 
iently part with his head ; therefore he promised that 
if Lord Grabembetter would grant him a parting 
interview with Addeldeen he would relieve the neigh- 
borhood of his presence. This contract having been 
signed, sealed, delivered, and properly filed among the 
valuable records of Unspunen, the charming Addeldeen 
was permitted to meet her lover as aforesaid. 

"Oh, Dick !" she cried, as she sank down on the cold 
stone by his side, " I am commanded to bid you adieu 
forever! Oh, cruel father, how could you do so? Fly, 
Dick ! Fly from this hateful place. That pretty- 
neck of thine will feel the edge of the * executioner's 
axe if thou stay est here." 

" Ah, my dear Addeldeen/' exclaimed Dick, with 
considerable warmth, " let them cut off my head. I 
cannot, I will not give thee up. I promised that I 
would go if they would let me see thee once more, but 
I will not leave thee, my angel. No ! no ! never ! I'll 
fight it out on this line if it takes all summer. Thinkest 
thou I'm afraid to die ? I have seen too many sheep 
die to be afraid of death myself. Canst thou with 
tearless eyes talk of an unlimited furlough? Hast 
thou forgotten the mud-pies we used to make in the 
road together a dozen years ago? Dost thou not 
remember how I used to let thee stand on my shoul- 
der and pluck the cherries from the tree? Have I 



RAPID RAMBLINOS IN EUROPE. 327 

not robbed a thousand birds' nests for thee ? Have I 
not stolen cords of candy for thee ? Have I not kept 
thee in chewing-gum for a dozen years? Oh, faithless, 
heartless, cruel Addeldeen ! If thou canst repudiate 
ine now, I would rather die than live. If thy father 
will kill me, he will confer upon me a favor which I 
shall ever remember with sentiments of the profoundest 
gratitude. If he will not murder me I will barter 
myself off for a dog and hire some one to kill the dog, 
and then you will be rid of me. In point of fact, I 
will do all sorts of rash things if my angel forsakes 
me. Dost thou remember we used to play with the 
pretty little lambs when we were only thirty-five inches 
high ? Did I not drown nine blind kittens at thy bid- 
ding, — little innocent things that never harmed me? 
Did I not chop the old cat's tail off to please thee ?" 

u You did; you did, Dick, my dear ! Take me, Dick ; 
take me; I am thine, and only thine. Live or die, 
survive or perish, I will follow thee ! The fact is, I 
would rather be severely crippled than to part from 
thee!" Then, with a hop, skip, and a jump, she 
tossed her exquisite form into Dick's arms, and nestled 
her face on his breast. " Now stop that nonsense, 
Dick," she gently whispered, — u you are tickling me." 

The exact length of' time this nonsense was indulged 
in is not definitely stated, but it was abruptly termi- 
nated thusly: 

" Come, darling," cried Dick ; " fly with me. My 
steed is tied to a sapling over there some twenty or 
thirty yards from the spot where we used to manufac- 
ture the mud-pies. He is quite lean, I am bound to 



328 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

admit, for he has had nothing but grass to eat for a 
month, though he is game. He will carry thee, — not 
quite so swift as the wind, but as fast as any horse in 
his condition could be expected to do." 

" Enough, Dick, my dear," cried Addeldeen. " Say 
no more ; I'll follow thee to the topmost peak of the 
Jungfrau. Thy sheep shall be my sheep ; thy hut shall 
be my hut ; where thou goest I will go, unless it is too 
cold for a female of my delicate constitution. But, by 
way of making a long story short, I beg to say that 
through thick and thin I am thine." 

" Not this evening," thundered old Grabembetter, as 
he emerged from a brier-patch, where he, with a dozen 
knights, had been engaged in the respectable business 
of eavesdropping. " Cut ! slash ! bind, kill, and de- 
stroy the traitor !" cried the old sinner, as he rushed 
toward Dick. 

Now, Dick was not at all disposed to prove a martyr, 
since Addeldeen had so unanimously promised to be 
his through thick and thin. In fact, his mind had 
undergone a radical change on the subject of death. 
As I have heretofore said, Dick was brave. His con- 
duct on that occasion was such as to justify me in re- 
peating the remark. He had fallen into the foolish 
habit of carrying his shepherd staff — a formidable 
weapon with a long, sharp, steel-pointed spike on the 
end — everywhere he went. The twelve knights who 
were backing old Grabembetter were the identical men 
who had been trying to cut one another's throats about 
Addeldeen. In point of fact, they were all suitors for 
her hand, and were willing to make common cause 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 329 

against the daring youth who had won her love. Old 
Grabembetter saw the sharp-pointed steel glittering in 
the bright light of the moon; his attention was also 
attracted to a certain look of desperation plainly visi- 
ble in Dick's handsome countenance. He had the good 
sense to halt before he got close enough to meet the 
aforesaid sharp steel point. 

As soon as Dick had become cognizant of the fact 
that his designs had been discovered he determined to 
fight it out like a man. Throwing himself back against 
the castle- wall, he thus addressed his enemies: 

" My Lord Grabembetter, that I love your daughter 
I will not deny; that thy fair daughter loves me I 
have not the remotest doubt. I have her word for it, 
and we all know that ladies do not lie. My love is 
honorable, and my intentions are of a kindred nature. 
I have never murdered any man, and I have never- 
stolen anything except a few trifling articles not worth 
naming. The blood that runs in my veins is as red as 
thine, and blamed if I don't stick this spike in the first 
man who makes a pass at me !" 

" Slay him ! slay him !" cried old Grabembetter, as 
he took the precaution to place his ponderous body 
behind the platoon of gallant knights. 

One bold knight imprudently undertook to execute 
the order, but Dick bored a hole in him of sufficient 
dimensions to let his soul out. Three more knights 
began to advance with a view of attacking Dick in 
front and on both flanks at the same time, but the 
dying knight commanded them to halt, — 

"It is true that this brave boy has given me my 
28* 



330 RAPID RAM B LINGS IN EUROPE. 

death, but he has only given me the same that I offered 
to him. None but cowards will double-team on him. 
He has fairly won the victory." Then, addressing 
Addeldeen's father, he continued, "I have loved thy 
daughter with an unfeigned devotion, and fondly hoped 
to win her heart; but the run of the cards was against 
me, and I am under the necessity of quitting the game. 
If I had a daughter, I would consider that brave 
youth a good catch for her. Permit me in this the last 
moment of my earthly career to make a proposition in 
the shape of a compromise of this vexatious question. 
Let a day of trial by combat be fixed. Let all of these 
brave knights who are willing to risk their lives for 
Addeldeen enter the lists. After they have tested one 
another's skill and strength, he that shall be declared 
the champion shall on another day enter the lists with 
Richard Splugermud, the hand of Addeldeen to be the 
victor's prize. Speak, my noble lord : shall this my 
last request be granted ?" 

" It shall! it shall!" 

" Swear an oath that you will keep your word when 
I am gone." 

The affidavit was made and sworn to before a magis- 
trate, who, hearing the row, had hurried over with a 
view of commanding the peace. 

" Now," said the dying knight, as he kissed Addel- 
deen's hand, she having just recovered from a fainting- 
fit, " I can quit the world not entirely without regret, 
but partially so." 

Then the brave knight gave a few violent jerks and 
went to that station for which round-trip tickets have 



RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. 331 

never been sold. The dead knight was buried with 
the honors of war, while the funeral procession marched 
round the grave singing, — 

" Wake up, Jacob, and come to taw ; 
Face the Judge and hear the law." 

In compliance with his oath, Grabembetter caused 
proclamation to be made that the combat should begin 
on the 16th instant, it then being the 4th. 

As might have been expected, this proclamation 
created quite a sensation in the vicinity of Unspunen. 
The aristocracy, however, were greatly offended when 
they heard that a low-born shepherd was to be allowed 
to enter the lists on equal terms with a true knight. 
They swore that they would not witness any such a 
disgraceful proceeding ; but they lied, for the last man 
of them not only came himself but he brought his 
wife, daughters, cousins, and aunts along with him. 
The crowd of spectators was estimated by eye-witnesses 
at ten thousand, not counting children and horses. 
When the pool-selling began the bets were two to one 
in favor of the red plume against the field. That 
color was worn by Timothy Tugmurton, a famous 
knight who had filled one medium-sized graveyard 
with victims, and had lately purchased a lot of ground 
with a view of starting another. 

Meantime, Addeldeen fervently prayed for the suc- 
cess of her gallant lover. She had faith in his courage 
and strength, and was strongly tempted to purchase a 
pool or two, especially when the odds were fifty to one 
against Dick. But she possessed a pious mind which 



332 RAPID RAMBLINOS IN EUROPE. 

enabled her to resist the temptation. The bets were 
running fifty dollars to one that Tugmurton would 
vanquish the ten knights, send Dick to the earth, marry 
Addeldeen, and become the lord of Unspuuen. 

Three days before the combat was to be fought Dick 
sought and obtained a clandestine meeting with Addel-- 
deen. After exchanging the customary greetings, such 
as were usually indulged in by lovers in those days, 
Addeldeen embraced the occasion to ask Dick what he 
thought about his prospects of winning the fight. 

" But for one unfortunate circumstance," he replied, 
" I would be sure to win. My horse, Clipper, has not 
tasted corn in a month, and you know a grass-fed horse 
cannot manoeuvre against a corn-fed one." 

"Alas ! too true!" sighed the lovely creature by his 
side, as she brushed a tear from her large blue eyes. 
" My darling Dick, why do you not feed Clipper on 
corn?" 

" Ah, my angel, there's the rub. How can I give 
corn to Clipper when I have none?" 

" Buy it, of course." 

" There is where the other tug comes in : I have no 
money." 

" Now, Dick," she exclaimed, as she glued her lips 
to his, " I have a good mind to give you a downright 
scolding. If I did not love you so hard, I would cer- 
tainly do it. Why did you not tell me that you were 
needing money? Here is my purse. Go buy corn : 
let Clipper have what he can eat." 

" Heaven bless you, my angel !" cried Dick, as he 
pressed the lovely form to his fond heart ; " you have 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 333 

not only saved my life, but you have conferred on 
Clipper a favor which he will always remember with a 
feeling of profound gratitude." 

Clipper improved rapidly on the corn-diet, but the 
time was too short for him to get in a first-class fight- 
ing condition. Nevertheless, he was game to the back- 
bone, and managed to get up a respectable prance when 
it came his time to enter the lists. Clipper was of 
blooded stock, who could boast of a long line of illus- 
trious ancestors, whose names were famous on the turf 
as well as in the lists. He was of a flea-bitten gray 
color, with slim, bony body, long legs, a head and neck 
like a deer, active as a, cat and twice as tricky. 

The result of the combat between the eleven knights 
bankrupted the bulk of the aristocracy, for they in- 
vested their last dollar in pools on Tugmurton, who 
bit the dust in the third fight. The plebeians struck a 
bonanza by taking pools against Tugmurton ; and when 
that famous knight was knocked out of time, such a 
shout as then rent the air never before was heard in 
that vicinity. The show continued from early morn 
until fifteen minutes past five in the afternoon, when 
the Blue Knight was declared the champion ; three of 
the other knights having given up the ghost, the other 
seven were sent to the hospital. 

Lord Grabembetter informed the audience that on 
the next day the Blue Knight and Richard would con- 
test for the prize, and that the gate-money should go to 
the winner as a part of Addeldeen's dowry. 

The second day's audience was twice as large as the 
first had been, while many thousands failed to secure 



334 RAPID RAMB LINOS IN EUROPE. 

tickets. Pool-selling began at an early hour, and it 
was soon discovered that the Blue Knight was the 
favorite by four to one, the aristocracy still backing 
him. The aristocracy, having lost heavily on Tugmur- 
ton the first day, were compelled to borrow from their 
friends in order to back their favorite. 

Promptly at eleven the tap of the drum summoned the 
heralds to the field. The first herald marched into the 
centre of the arena, bearing a blue flag with a skull and 
cross-bones painted on it, and in a squeaking voice said, — 

" Sir Edward Spun, Knight of the Blue Plume, who 
now wears the champion belt of the world by right of 
conquest, offers to bet his last cent that he can whip any 
man who dares to set up any claim to the heart and 
hand of Miss Addeldeen Grabembetter. I, as his au- 
thorized agent and attorney, dare any one to meet him 
in the lists." 

Another fellow moved to the front, bearing a black 
flag, and thus replied, — 

" I, as the bosom friend of Richard Splugermud, am 
requested to state that he will undertake to combat 
with Captain Spun. The aforesaid Richard Spluger- 
mud, being under the impression that Miss Addeldeen 
Grabembetter is in love with him, has the temerity to 
set up a claim to her heart and hand, and is willing to 
back his claim aforesaid in any manner that may suit 
the convenience of Captain Spun. He hopes by the 
grace of God and a steel-pointed lance to establish his 
claims. As for the champion belt, he directs me to say 
that he doesn't care a copper for it, but he proposes to 
fight for his own darling Addeldeen." 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 335 

" Talk enough P cried the other fellow ; " bring in 
your man." 

Then the Blue Knight, all covered with shining 
armor, sitting erect on his large black steed, came dash- 
ing like a thunderbolt into the arena. 

Great was the astonishment of the audience when 
Dick made his appearance without armor of any sort, 
riding Clipper, who appeared to be asleep. But Clip- 
per was not quite so sound asleep as his personal ap- 
pearance indicated. 

Dick had doffed his coat and rolled his sleeves up 
above the elbow, displaying a long, well-shaped arm. 
A red sash encircled his waist, and as he sat erect on 
Clipper, his handsome form was a goodly sight to look 
upon. Dick had no armor of his own ; and when his 
friends offered to loan him a suit, he declined, saying 
that armor was made for cowards. When this became 
generally known, pool-selling ceased, as no one would 
back Dick, though the odds were one hundred to one. 

When the fighting signal was given, Captain Spun 
put spurs to his steed and dashed forward as if he meant 
to knock Clipper down with the mere weight of his 
horse ; but old Clipper suddenly woke up and planted 
both of his heels on the other horse's forehead, causing 
him to take a seat on the grass eight or ten yards in the 
rear. As quick as thought Clipper faced about and 
charged on his fallen foe, enabling his master to bore a 
dangerous hole in Spun's left shoulder, where the 
grooves meet to make the joint in the armor. 

" First blood for Richard !" cried the spectators, as a 
crimson stream spouted from Spun's shoulder. 



336 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

The wounded knight now lost his temper, and, in- 
stead of plunging his lance into the body of Dick, he 
gave Clipper a painful cut on the hip. That was a 
fatal mistake, for it caused Clipper to lose his temper, 
too. He was a high-mettled steed, who was in the 
habit of resenting wrongs, therefore he began to use his 
heels with a vigor that showed he meant business. 
Every time Captain Spun would make a thrust at 
Richard with his lance he or his steed met the heels of 
Clipper, which never failed to make an impression. 
As soon as Clipper had planted his heels on his enemy, 
he would instantly face about, thus affording his master 
an opportunity to puncture Spun's body with the lance. 

The tide of public opinion now began to change, and 
Dick's friends promptly took all bets offered without 
asking odds. Excitement ran up to fever-heat. Loud 
shouts rent the air, women screamed, drums beat, 
bugles sounded, dust flew, boys yelled like demons, 
while blood flowed from both horses as well as their 
riders. Old Clipper's blood was up, and he began to 
use his teeth as well as his heels. He bit off the left 
ear of Spun's horse, which rendered that animal un- 
manageable, giving Dick great advantage over his 
adversary. 

Spun was bleeding from a dozen wounds, Dick from 
two; both horses were covered with blood. At last 
Spun reined his steed back eight or ten yards ; then, 
plunging the spurs deep in his sides, he came thunder- 
ing down on Dick like an avalanche. 

" All is over now !" cried the friends of the Blue 
Knight. 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 337 

Dick's friends turned away and held handkerchiefs 
to their eyes, not wishing to witness the downfall of 
their favorite. Addeldeen gave utterance to a heart- 
rending scream, and sank into her mother's arms. 

" Oh, Dicky, my darling; is gone now !" she cried. 

And Dick would have gone had it not been for the 
agility of Clipper. The gallant old horse suddenly 
sprang to one side, and as the black steed went by he 
planted both heels in his side, then suddenly wheeled 
around, giving Richard an opportunity to make a 
home-thrust. The point of Dick's lance found lodg- 
ment in Spun's neck, inflicting a mortal wound, and 
the Blue Knight rolled on the ground and gave up the 
ghost. The very earth trembled as Dick's friends 
unanimously shouted. Addeldeen leaped from her seat 
and fell fainting in Dick's arms. Let the curtain fall 
slowly. 

I will embrace the occasion to state that Richard and 
Addeldeen were married. They lived happily together, 
had many sons and daughters born to them, died at a 
good old age, and are now sleeping side by side near 
the castle of Unspunen. 

This castle was never called Unspunen until Richard 
became its lord. It was known as the castle of Sutler- 
bangen until the downfall of Captain Spun. The 
peasants, in speaking of the fight between Dick and 
Spun, would say, " Dick unspunhim," meaning that 
Dick had killed Spun. Hence, in talking about the 
castle, they began to call it Unspun, until strangers 
began to think that it was its proper name ; in fact, 
Richard himself began to call it Unspun. How 
p w 29 



338 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

the " en" got hung on to the latter end of the 
name is not definitely stated, but it is certain that it 
was called " Unspun" until after Dick's death. Since 
that time it has been known as " Unspunen" castle, 
which name it bears until this very day. 

I have in my possession three affidavits properly 
sworn to and subscribed by respectable citizens of In- 
terlaken vouching for the truth of this legend, which I 
expected to publish, but, upon reflection, I thought it 
would insult the reader to encumber the records with 
proof when the truth- of the story gushes out of every 
line and stares the reader in the face from every page. 
What better evidence could anybody want than a sight 
of the old castle of Unspunen, whose gray walls and 
lofty towers have withstood the storms of a thousand 
years? The citizens of Interlaken were anxious to 
make a unanimous affidavit as to the truth of this 
wonderful story. 



CHAPTER XXVII. 

Interlaken, July 27. 
This has indeed been a day of delight to every mem- 
ber of our party, notwithstanding the fatigue endured 
and a few trifling accidents encountered. At an early 
hour this morning three open carriages drew up in 
front of the hotel for the purpose of conveying the 
party to Staubbach, which in English means "dust 
brook." It is a famous waterfall, where a little brook 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 339 

plunges over a projecting cliff, making a single leap of 
nine hundred and eighty feet. Before the water strikes 
the valley below it is converted into a silver mist, pre- 
senting one of the grandest objects of beauty imaginable. 
The road from Interlaken to Staubbach is hard, smooth, 
and nearly level, and runs along on the brink of a 
charming little river, whose waters roar, foam, and 
dance as they dash among the innumerable rocks that 
cover the channel. On the right of the road the tow- 
ering crags of Breithorn Mountain rise almost perpen- 
dicularly to a height of seven thousand feet, over- 
shadowing the valley so as to hide the sun shortly after 
noon. One would naturally conclude that a horn of 
any sort held a high position in the affections of the 
Swiss people, for the name of every mountain-peak (so 
far as heard from) has a " horn" tacked on to the end 
of it. For instance, there is the Schilthorn, Lauber- 
horn, Finsteraarhorn, Mittelhorn, Rosenhorn, Wetter- 
horn, Schreckhorn, Grumenhorn ; and Mark Twain 
mentions the dinner-horn, but that is an article not 
often met with in these parts. 

Speaking of horns reminds me of one belonging to 
an idiot who resides near the road leading from Inter- 
laken to the Jungfrau. This horn is over fifteen feet 
in length, and is blown by this idiot every time he 
sees a carriage approaching. The echo would be charm- 
ing if it was not deafening. When he begins to blow 
his cheeks turn red and swell to an enormous size, his 
left leg moves up and down, while his shoulders rise and 
fall as if pumping air into his lungs. I dare say he 
might run a valuable windmill with the air he squan- 



340 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

ders on that enormous horn. As our carriage ap- 
proached he doffed his hat and pompously demanded 
pay for the serenade. Each one of the party gave him 
a sou, with the express understanding that the concert 
should close immediately. It is said that this idiot uses 
this horn for a residence when not torturing travellers 
with it. This statement, however, is not reliable. 

On the right-hand side of the road, somewhere about 
two miles from Interlaken, may be seen a large bronze 
plate bolted on the face of a smooth rock.' On the 
surface of the plate is an inscription containing eight 
or ten lines neatly engraved. I would undertake to 
translate these lines for the benefit of the reader, but 
since I made such a blunder in my attempt to curse 
the beggar-chief at Naples I have lost confidence in my 
ability as a linguist. I, however, had read Mr. Bae- 
deker's guide-book of Switzerland, and here is what lie 
has to say about this inscription : "At a spot in this 
defile, marked by an inscription on the rock, and named 
the Bosenstein, a baron of Rothenblut is said to have 
slain his brother." Being myself somewhat of a sen- 
sation-hunter, I set to work diligently to dig up the 
facts connected with this case, and take the liberty of 
giving them in a lump to the reader. As usual in 
such cases, a woman was at the bottom of the mischief. 

The brothers were twins, — so much alike that the 
closest inspection was necessary in order to enable their 
most intimate acquaintances to distinguish one from the 
other. They both became enamored of the same lady, 
an orphan girl, possessing many personal charms, as 
well as a large fortune. She resided with her uncle, 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 341 

who was her guardian. It is not stated which the 
young barons loved most, the girl or her fortune, but 
according to the new style, fortune would go ahead. 
The young lady fell in love with one, and through a 
mistake promised to marry the other, believing she was 
talking to her lover all the time. When she discov- 
ered the awkward blunder she undertook to correct it, 
but increased the entanglement by telling her real lover 
that she loved the other one, and begged him to release 
her from the engagement which she had made to him 
by mistake. Now, lest the reader should get the mat- 
ter tangled, he must remember that she had not at all 
engaged herself to the one from whom she sought to 
be released. He was the very man to whom she 
wanted to be engaged, but when she flatly told him she 
loved the other one, it would be but natural to suppose 
that if he did not curse aloud he did mentally. Num- 
ber one, to whom she had really engaged herself, pro- 
cured a license and a minister, and presented himself 
as the lady's accepted lover. She now, after making a 
minute inspection of number one, emphatically denied 
that she had ever promised to marry him, furthermore 
declaring publicly that she preferred number two. 
Number two then took the field in person, swearing 
boisterously and charging his brother with duplicity 
and fraud. High words passed ; so did a challenge. 
Number one killed number two. Number two died 
on the spot where the bronze plate is fastened on the 
rock. Number one then presented himself, with his 
bloody sword as a valuable relic, which he hoped 
would prove acceptable to the young lady. But here 

29* 



z ir:, 







RAPID RAMBLIXGS IX EUROPE. 343 

A trip across it is attended with no little danger, as the 
slightest misstep or slip would lessen the popol; 

nly advantage being the saving of the funeral 

expenses. Here is where the alpenstock she 
friendship for its owner. If he will be careful to stick 
the sharp point in the ice every step, he may make the 
trip across with some degree of safety. But th 
way is to hire a guide to walk across, while you sit on 
a rock and watch to see it well done. 

My horse's legs were too long for his body, and he 
often managed to L r et them very badlv tangled as we 
climbed the mountain in a zigzag path. On one occa- 
sion he got them so badly mixed among the shrub- 
bery that his body undertook to move on without them ; 
the result caused me to embrace Mother Earth be 
yards farther up the mountain. I made the rest of the 
journey on foot, in a dan:. _ edition, every now 

and then muttering profane language against long- 
legg [horses. If I can find a purchaser, I mean to 
sell out my interest in glaciers and take stock in Swiss 
lakes. 

"We will go from here to Lucerne, where I hope 
to find a warmer climate than this. I am 
of kicking mules, clumsy horses, snow-clad moon- 
tains, and fields of ice, and will rejoice to be rid of 
them. 

I managed to-day, as I have often done before, to 

involve myself in a ridiculous entanglement with a 

rant-keeper, by attempting to speak a language 

which I did not understand. I came out of the scrape 

rather crestraken, as I deserved, however; but it is to 



344 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

be hoped that I have learned a wholesome lesson. If 
sad experience is worth anything, — and I believe it is, 
— I shall in the end be the winner. I approached the 
restaurant proprietor, and, in what I thought good 
French language, told him I wanted two broiled 
mutton-chops wrapped in paper, and that I would call 
for them in an hour. He hesitated a moment, looking 
somewhat bewildered, as if he didn't understand the 
order. I repeated it, at the same time pointing to a 
flock of sheep that quietly browsed in a meadow hard 
by, holding up my thumb and finger to indicate that I 
wanted chops for two. A cheerful smile instantly 
spread over his face, as he politely bowed and hurried 
away to execute my order. Promptly at the end of an 
hour I called for my mutton-chops. I permit the 
reader to imagine my astonishment, if he can, when 
the proprietor pointed to a cart standing in the yard, 
to which was hitched a mule, a boy seated in front, 
whip in hand, while two full-grown fat sheep lay tied 
hard and fast in the cart. 

" Where are my mutton-chops ?" I demanded. 

" In the cart, as you directed/' was promptly replied 
in good French. 

I laid aside French for the time being, as I could 
not do the subject justice in that language. I shall not 
repeat here what I said there, because — when not crazy 
with anger, as I was on that occasion — I have a high 
regard for the rules of propriety. The restaurant-man 
smiled blandly, evidently not understanding a word I 
said, but it was the eloquent manner of its delivery 
that charmed him. 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 345 

A large crowd of spectators, being curious to know 
what the row was about, collected near me. A colli- 
sion might have ensued, but Charley, our conductor, 
happened to arrive in time to prevent it. 

" What's the trouble here ?" he inquired, addressing 
the restaurant-man in French. 

The man replied in the same language. Charley 
instantly became convulsed with laughter, which I 
thought was ill-timed, to say the least of it, and said 
so in plain English. 

" I cannot see anything to laugh at," said I, scorn- 
fully. " I ordered two mutton-chops broiled, and this 
idiot proposes to fill the order with two live sheep." 

" In what language did you give the order ?" inter- 
rupted Charley. 

" In plain French," I answered. 

"Please repeat the order as you gave it to this 
gentleman." 

I did so without hesitation. Then the whole crowd 
joined in the laugh. 

" You are in for it," said Charley. " You have 
ordered this gentleman to tie two sheep and put them 
in a cart for you, promising to call and pay for them 
at the end of an hour." 

"Is that so?" 

"Undoubtedly," replied the conductor; "and you 
are in honor bound to pay for the sheep, unless you 
can beg off." 

" Ask him how much money will release me from 
the trade," I requested. 

In answer to the inquiry, the restaurant-man said 



346 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

that if I would pay the cart-boy two francs for the 
time he had lost, two francs for the man who had 
caught and tied the sheep, and set the wine up for the 
crowd, I should be honorably released. I accepted the 
terms, paid the money, and treated the crowd, according 
to agreement. 

I made the following note in my diary : " Don't 
undertake to order mutton-chops in a language you do 
not understand. If you hire an engineer to run your 
boat, don't try to run it yourself. A man that is wise 
in his own conceit is a fool in fact ; of which I am a 
melancholy example." 

In consequence of my silly blunder to-day, I have 
been unanimously invited to take my seat at the foot 
of the class, but I hope to be able to regain my place 
in a few days. 

The day was wellnigh gone when we returned to 
Interlaken, and every member of the party was com- 
pletely worn out with the fatigue of the trip. We 
found a pretty good dinner ready for us on our arrival, 
and the manner of the attack we made on it convinced 
the landlord that there was not much money to be 
made by feeding American tourists. 

Lucerne, July 30. 

This morning at seven o'clock we took the train at 
Interlaken, and at the end of a thirty minutes' run were 
transferred from the railway train to a steamboat, and 
soon we were sailing across the lake of Brienz. 

The superb mountain scenery, as viewed from the 
deck, presents a picture of beauty rarely equalled. 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 347 

Each side of the lake is bordered with lofty wooded 
mountains, rising rather abruptly, while in the back- 
ground on the southeast rises the magnificent Thier- 
berg. The Giessbach Falls rank high among the 
wonders of this part of Switzerland. 

Saturday night Charley invited me to take a seat 
with him in a carriage, promising to show me a sight 
that would compensate me for the annoyances I had 
encountered during the day, including the mutton-chop 
blunder. 

" Where are you going?" I demanded. 

"Jump in, follow me, ask no questions, and you 
shall see a show that will eclipse anything you ever 
beheld," was his reply. 

I leaped into the carriage without further parley, 
supposing that Charley was merely going to take me 
to see a circus or some third-rate theatre. 

" To the railway station," said he to the driver. And 
to the station we went, and in two minutes thereafter 
we were on the way to Giessbach. 

In less than an hour after leaving Interlaken we 
were seated on the veranda of a hotel that occupied an 
elevated position on the mountain. This hotel is 
reached by an inclined railway, somewhat similar to 
the one at Vesuvius. It is run by a stationary 
engine planted on the shore of Lake Brienz, the 
cars being drawn up by wire ropes. One car goes 
up as the other goes down, passing each other mid- 
way. 

On arriving at the hotel, we found a large crowd of 
people assembled there. The night was as dark as 



348 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

Egypt, while a single lamp gave out a sickly light 
which vainly tried to penetrate the surrounding dark- 
ness. A deafening roar continually thundered on the 
mountain-side above and in front of the hotel, making 
a noise like the Falls of Niagara. 

" What on earth did you bring me to this dismal 
place for ?" I inquired. 

"Keep quiet; be patient," replied Charley. 

He had hardly finished the sentence when a rocket 
w r as fired from the mountain-top, which was the signal 
for the show to open. In an instant the whole face of 
the mountain was converted from a field of darkness 
into a panorama of refulgent light, as brilliant as the 
rays of the sun, revealing a sight unsurpassed for gran- 
deur and beauty. The falls were illuminated with 
thousands of Bengal lights of a dark-red color, making 
it look like a river of blood pouring down from a 
precipice, the top of which is eight hundred feet above 
the hotel. Ten minutes had scarcely elapsed when out 
went the lights, and darkness again prevailed. The 
transition from one extreme to the other was so sudden 
as to startle and distress the beholder. But I scarcely 
had time to pay for the cigars (which I consider fairly 
earned by Charley), when another rocket went up from 
the mountain-top. Presto, change ! and, instead of a 
river of blood, I saw a sea of bouquets fantastically 
rolling and dancing over the lofty crags. By a peculiar 
combination of colors made by the Bengal lights and 
concentrated on the falling water, this enchanting illu- 
sion was produced. The borders of the falling cascade 
were fringed with dark-green foliage, which caught up 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 349 

and reflected the variegated rays of light against the 
white front of the hotel, making a picture which the 
brush of an artist could not imitate. After gazing at 
the rolling sea of flowers for ten minutes, the scene 
again changed from light to the darkest night. Up 
went the third rocket, when every color of the rain- 
bow blazed forth at once. Deep-green, light-green, 
deep-blue, dark-red, light-reel, yellow, orange, pink, 
and all other colors known to man, could be seen 
mingling with one another, all apparently falling in 
vast showers immediately in front of us. 

It was half-past twelve when we got back to our 
hotel at Interlaken, and soon thereafter I was dreaming 
of Paradise. It was filled with cascades, Bengal lights, 
and Dutch angels, who continually threw mutton-chops 
at my head. The blunders of the day and the delights 
of the evening had somehow got themselves badly 
mixed in my much- worried brain. 

We crossed the Alps to-day at the Brunig Pass, 
climbing the mountain by a smooth road that wound 
about in every conceivable direction, but gradually 
leading us toward the top. Every now and then 
the carriage-wheels would approach within ten inches 
of the verge of some perpendicular cliff, causing one's 
head to grow dizzy while gazing at the bottom of the 
fearful abyss, two thousand feet below. Farther down 
the valley hundreds of pretty white cottages glittered 
in the bright rays of the sun, while many fields of 
ripening wheat added beauty to the picture. The view 
of the distant mountains, lakes, and valleys from the 
top of Brunig Pass is very grand. The road from the 

30 



350 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

top of the pass down to the lake on the Lucerne side is 
not so crooked as that on the other side, and, although 
the scenery is picturesque and wild, it by no means 
equals that on the Brienz side. 

After a long day's ride in carriages we w T ere glad to 
get aboard the boat which was to take us to Lucerne. 

The Lake of Lucerne, though beautiful, has nothing 
to distinguish it from others, so far as scenery is con- 
cerned, but it is the historical and romantic incidents 
connected with it that lend to it a mysterious charm. 
The sweet music of Schiller's harp that used to charm 
the world was first heard on the bosom of this lovely 
lake. The materials with which the charming story 
of William Tell was constructed were gathered by 
Schiller from the shores of this romantic lake. Every 
Swiss child that can read knows the Tell story by 
heart, while every man and woman of Switzerland 
would despise one who expressed a doubt of its truth. 
The very tree against which the son stood when the 
heroic father shot the apple from his head is pointed 
out to travellers. A pretty little chapel has been 
erected near the water's edge on the spot where Tell 
killed Gessler. Over the door of this chapel is painted 
an inscription giving a history of the transaction. The 
picture of an ugly devil adorns the front also. The 
reason for thus honoring his Satanic Majesty is not 
stated. It was probably done under the belief that he 
was a leading member of the firm of Gessler & Co. 
Near the base of the Rigi, on an elevated plateau, may 
be seen the crumbling ruins of Gessler's castle, where 
he entertained his followers sumptuously with stolen 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 351 

wealth. The castle was destroyed five hundred and 
eighty years ago. 

Another chapel adjacent to Gersau is called Kindli- 
mond, which in English means " infanticide." This 
chapel derives its name from a bloody tragedy that 
is said to have transpired where it stands. A poor 
fiddler, returning from a wedding where he had 
failed to strike a bonanza as he expected, dashed out 
the brains of his infant daughter because she cried for 
bread when he had none. This is a novel but an 
effectual way to stop the cry of a child for bread, and 
a patent ought to have been awarded to the fiddler for 
his invention. If he could have given the child a roll 
of Italian bread, it would never have cried to him for 
bread again. 

We will make the ascent of the Rigi to-morrow and 
spend the night among the clouds, if not a mile or two 
above them. This trip will close the mountain part 
of our entertainment. After a short recess, affording 
us time to shift the scenes, we will put a lake or two on 
the boards, with a score of romantic old castles in the 
background. I have half a dozen first-class Rhine 
legends in reserve. 

We have crossed over the Alps three times, passed 
under them twice, and charged them on both flanks 
front and rear, but they stand exactly where they did 
when we made the first assault. We crossed at the 
Furca, Tele-Noire and Brunig Passes, and under them 
at Mont Cenis and St. Gothard. I did not lead the 
brigade over the Simplon Pass, because I would have 
been charged with an attempt to tarnish the fame of 



352 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

Napoleon. This was his pass. He found it first, and 
I could not think of interfering with his well-earned 
glory. In fact, I never could be induced to play 
second fiddle at a concert. I must be first or be 
nothing. I am most usually classed among articles 
last aforesaid mentioned. 

The city of Lucerne is the capital of the canton of 
the same name, and contains a population of seventeen 
thousand. It is situated at the northwest extremity of 
Lucerne Lake, and in sight of the snow-clad Alps of 
Schwyz, the majestic peaks of which present a grand 
picture to the eye from the city. The grandest curi- 
osity to be met with at Lucerne is comprised in the 
bridges that span the river Reuss immediately in front 
of the long line of marble-fronted hotels that border 
the lake. The walls of the covered bridges are 
adorned with paintings, some of which are well exe- 
cuted. One, representing the dance of death, particu- 
larly attracted my attention. This picture, though 
greatly damaged by time, is enough to send a thrill of 
horror through the mind of the beholder. If Satan's 
domains become crowded with new recruits (the pros- 
pects of which seem to be very flattering just now), he 
might rent this bridge for their accommodation. I am 
sure he could inflict no punishment more dreadful than 
imprisonment in that bridge. 

All my readers have heard of the Lion of Lucerne, 
no doubt. If they have not, it is high time for them 
to bestir themselves about a matter of such magnitude. 
It is not a living lion, nor is it a dead one, but it has 
been trying to die for the last sixty-two years. This 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 353 

colossal work is cut in the face of a towering rock that 
rises perpendicularly above a large pool of clear, cool 
water. The figure represents a dying lion transfixed 
by a broken lance, the point of which is sticking in 
his body. The lion is twenty-eight feet in length, 
reclining, with its head resting on its fore-paws, be- 
neath which is sheltered the Bourbon lily. The artist 
who executed this work had evidently met with lions 
before he undertook the job. A beautiful grotto is cut 
in the front of the cliff; the lion is then chiselled from 
the floor of the grotto, so that the symmetrical form of 
the dying animal stands out from the walls. 

Lucerne is crowded with tourists, and we encoun- 
tered some difficulty in securing rooms; in fact, we 
failed to obtain lodgings at the hotels, but by consent- 
ing to scatter the brigade we managed to find the 
necessary accommodations. 

I am the most scattered institution just now that 
ever visited Switzerland. My trunk dwells in the 
baggage-room of a distant hotel, being used as the mud- 
sill of a magnificent castle built of Saratoga trunks. 
My valise has been claimed by a lady who declares it 
is hers and says she has lost the key. I could convince 
her that it is mine, by producing the key and opening 
it, but it contains articles that I would not be willing 
to claim in the presence of witnesses. My sleeping 
apartment is somewhere in the canton of Lucerne, but 
I cannot say it is inside of the city limits. I think it 
is near the top of the dome of a cathedral, as the 
ground cannot be seen by moonshine. If I get din- 
ner this evening, I shall be forced to hire a guide to 
x 30* 



354 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

conduct me to the hotel, because Charley does not 
know where I am, neither does anybody else, myself 
included. Was there ever a man so badly scattered as I 
am just now ? There is only one familiar face to be seen 
from the small window of my room. That is the laugh- 
ing face of the charming lake, shining like a field of 
glittering silver as the breeze gently disturbs the water. 
If I should be so fortunate as to get myself collected by 
to-morrow night, I will endeavor to describe the rest of 
the curiosities that abound in the vicinity of Lucerne. 



CHAPTER XXVIII. 

Lucerne, August 1. 
Yesterday morning a mighty stir was perceptible 
in front of the long row of marble hotels that face the 
lake. Men, women, children, and poodle-dogs were 
running in every direction, the boat-whistle screamed 
like a wild curlew, announcing the arrival of the 
starting-hour. Dutch, French, German, Swiss, Italian, 
and English languages commingled on every side, 
making a perfect Babel of incongruous sounds. The 
English language won the contest, owing to the fact 
that all the dogs barked in English and all the children 
cried in the same dialect. 4- little bobtailed, one-eyed 
terrier especially attracted my attention. When his 
mistress attempted to catch him, he darted up-stairs, 
took his stand on the second floor, and barked at her 



RAPID RAMBL1NGS IN EUROPE. 355 

in plain English. She spoke to him sweetly in French, 
urging him to come down ; but he stood his ground. 
She started to the boat; he followed her, but took 
especial care to keep at least twenty yards of territory 
between himself and his mistress. She barely had time 
to step aboard before the boat backed off from the 
quay. The lady begged the captain to wait for her 
darling Hugo (that was the dog's name) ; but the com- 
mander did not appear to appreciate the situation. The 
boat did not wait for Hugo, nor any of the other people 
who were making energetic signals of distress on the 
shore. I think the lady would have fainted, if she 
had not been so busy abusing the captain for his heart- 
less cruelty. Note No. 1 in my diary : " Those who 
travel with poodle-dogs can appreciate the song, ' Jor- 
dan is a hard road to travel/ " The lady did not go ' 
into fits about her dog, but it is certain that the day 
was one of misery to her, instead of a day of joy, such 
as it was to the dogless passengers. 

Our party managed to get aboard in good time, and 
away we went sailing over the calm blue bosom of the 
lake. Amity between air, earth, sun, and sky seemed 
to be completely established for the purpose of contrib- 
uting to our pleasure during our voyage. A dark- 
gray cloud with a snow-white border crept slowly 
along the side of the Rigi, cautiously feeling its way 
among the overhanging crags, like a colossal serpent. 
The rays of the morning sun suddenly struck it full in 
the face, instantly giving it the appearance of a river 
of yellow gold. On our right rose a tall range of 
mountains, whose crests were bathed in a sea of gold, 



356 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

caused by the glancing rays of light from the sun 
which was then just rising above them. On the left 
rose the majestic Rigi, whose bald luead glittered like 
polished silver, five thousand feet above us. The lofty 
battlements and towers of Lucerne stood high and 
grand behind us, like huge sentinels guarding the city. 

Both shores of the lake were lined with shining vil- 
lages, snugly ensconced beneath overhanging rocks, while 
a thousand vineyards waved their dark-green vines, as 
if Nature was giving us a friendly salutation. The 
invigorating climate, the bracing breeze, and the cheer- 
ful rays of the morning sun went into copartnership 
with the mountains, lakes, and villages for the purpose 
of presenting to our eyes a scene of enchantment sur- 
passing anything previously witnessed. The firm made 
a grand success of the entertainment, and the audience 
will always remember it with sentiments of the pro- 
foundest gratitude. 

A short time after leaving the city of Lucerne, we 
met another boat coming up from Fluellen, with a 
large crowd of passengers aboard. As the boat came 
gliding along within a few yards of us, I saw a man 
jumping and prancing about, swinging his arms in 
every direction, and screaming like a maniac. 

" There is a madman/' said I, addressing Dick. 

" Look there," he replied ; " that's what's the matter 
with him." 

Looking toward the point indicated, I saw the 
American flag gracefully floating from the staff at the 
stern of our boat. Dick always carried the flag wher- 
ever he went, and on this occasion he had hoisted it 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 357 

without asking any one for permission. The passenger 
on the other boat was an American whose patriotism 
boiled over as soon as he saw the beautiful banner of 
his beloved country. The enthusiasm was of a con- 
tagious nature; in fact, it became instantly epidemic. 
Men, women, and children began to shout; hats, hand- 
kerchiefs, and napkins waved triumphantly. Dutch, 
French, Swiss, and English, — all joined in the shout. 
The few poodle-dogs that had not imitated Hugo by 
getting left joined in the shout. The American flag 
should always feel proud of its reception on the Lake 
of the Four Cantons. There is nothing that will in- 
crease an American's patriotism more than a tour on 
the Continent, and it will also increase his love for 
" home, sweet home." 

Somewhere about midway between Lucerne and 
Fluellen the Schiller monument, a gray stone pyramid 
eighty feet high, rears its sharp crests out of the water 
near the right bank as you go towards Fluellen. The 
inscription may be plainly seen from the deck, as the 
boat sails by. On the left may be seen the pretty little 
Tell chapel, which marks the spot where the arrow 
from TelFs bow quivered in Gessler's heart. The 
scenery in this vicinity is incomparably beautiful. The 
mountains rise almost perpendicularly above the lake 
at this point. Viewing them from the deck of the 
boat, they seem to thrust their gray crests through the 
sky. Their sides are covered with dark green foliage 
which, viewed from a distance, resembles a huge ocean 
wave that had come to a sudden halt. Every now and 
then we would make a short curve, making us think 



358 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

that we had arrived at the end of the lake, but a few 
more revolutions of the boat-wheels would bring us to 
the turn where we could see a long stretch of blue water. 

While we were gliding past this beautiful panorama, 
intoxicated with delight, straining our eyes to catch a 
glimpse of every item, a dozen tourists were snoring on 
the bench that lined the upper deck. I heard one of 
them at the hotel that night giving a glowing descrip- 
tion of the sights of the voyage, which to my certain 
knowledge he had not seen. 

At one o'clock we arrived at Fluellen, where we re- 
mained an hour, at the end of which we embarked on 
another boat bound for Yitznau, a cosey little city on 
the right shore of the lake as you go from Fluellen to 
Lucerne. This is the point from which passengers 
make the ascent of the Rigi by the inclined railway. 
We arrived at Vitznau at four o'clock, and in less than 
ten minutes we found ourselves seated in a crowded 
coach, where all the languages were retailed in a fash- 
ion that would make old Babel ashamed of herself. 
Poodle-dogs did not fail to put in an appearance ; they 
never do, especially in crowded coaches. I love dogs 
and children, but not those that bark and cry all the 
time. It becomes monotonous after the first three 
weeks and makes me feel lonesome. There is, how- 
ever, one consoling thought appertaining to dogs and 
children, — they always cry and bark in the English 
language. I don't mean to say that children bark at 
all. They cry, while the dogs do the barking, but you 
never fail to understand them. It is very clear to my 
mind that the English language was spoken by all 



RAPID RAMBLING S IN EUROPE. 359 

people on earth prior to the erection of the Babel 
Tower. A Swiss cow moos exactly like an English 
cow; they speak the same language. A Swiss mule 
brays in the same language that an English mule does. 
In fact, he kicks and brays exactly like our American 
mule does, — they understand each other. Put an Ameri- 
can goat in the company of a Swiss goat, and they 
would both utter the same bleat, which each would 
understand; put an English and a German together, 
and they would not come to an understanding in six 
months. When God confounded the language of men, 
He did not interfere with that of animals ; hence they 
continue to speak English. A Dutch baby cries ex- 
actly like a French baby ; a Swiss cat mews like an 
Italian cat; an Italian mocking-bird sings precisely 
like an American mocking-bird. An unbeliever in my 
theory might say that the proof would be as much in 
favor of any other language as it would be of English. 
My reply would be a question like this : How could a 
Swiss baby cry in English, or a Swiss cat mew in the 
same language, unless that language prevailed when 
cats were originally created ? It may be stated as a 
fact that no amount of teaching or persuasion can in- 
duce a dog to bark French, or a cat to mew Swiss. 
You may place a French kitten by the side of a Dutch 
kitten, and they will at once scrape up an accmaintance 
and mew in the same language. 

As soon as all the dogs, children, and other passen- 
gers got aboard, the engine gave a scream, a column of 
black smoke shot skyward, and up we went climbing a 
grade which at many places was as steep as thirty de- 



360 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

grees. The engine groaned, trembled, and hissed, like 
some hideous monster in the agonies of death, but kept 
moving up the tortuous road at the rate of eight miles 
an hour. On our right the perpendicular rock rose to 
a height of three thousand feet immediately above our 
heads, while on the left a yawning abyss opened its 
capacious mouth ready to receive the coach and con- 
tents in case of an accident. This road is a great 
curiosity, and may be classed among the prominent 
wonders to be seen on the Continent. 

Midway between Vitznau and the top of the Rigi we 
halted at a little hotel, where I got out and began to 
inspect the machinery by which this road is operated. 
The outside appearance of the engine is very much like 
the ordinary railway-engine, though you see no driving- 
wheel ; in fact, it has none. There are four rails in 
each track, two on the side and two in the middle. 
The two in the middle are four inches apart, held to- 
gether by iron bolts an inch square. These bolts are 
four inches apart. There is a large iron cog-wheel in 
the centre of the engine, with four-inch cogs, which 
catch between the bolts that holds the two middle rails 
together. The weight of the engine rests on the four 
outside wheels which run on the two outside rails. 
When the iron cog-wheel begins to revolve, the cogs 
grab the bolts that hold the two middle rails together, 
and thus pulls the engine up the steep grade. There is 
an automatic brake attached, which would prevent the 
engine from running backward if any of her machinery 
should be disabled. 

When we started up from Vitznau, we were in the 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 361 

midst of a hot summer ; when we reached the Hotel 
Kulm we were in the middle of a first-class winter. Why 
doesn't the government send exploring expeditions here 
to search for the north pole ? It would be less ex- 
pensive than the " Jeannette" expedition, or any other 
sent in the same direction, and the chances of finding 
the pole equally as good. All the climatical influences 
necessary to support a north pole may abundantly be 
found here. They could have men frozen or starved 
to death according to the most approved system. The 
proprietor of the Hotel Kulm can starve a ship's crew 
to death in a month. This statement is backed by the 
writer's experience. Nothing but an ably-conducted 
retreat prevented the destruction of myself and friends. 
I was overwhelmed with admiration for the landlord 
of the Hotel Kulm, captivated by his skill and ability, 
charmed by his scientific attainments, fascinated by the 
depths of his inventive capacity. I always did admire 
genius ; I have an affection for a man of energy. I 
love to bow down and worship a gigantic intellect. 
The proprietor of the Hotel Kulm possessed all those 
attributes of greatness that I have mentioned, as well 
as a thousand others, of which I cannot find space or 
time to speak in such terms of praise as they deserve. 
He had reduced rascality to a perfect system. I always 
admired a systematic person. I despise an indolent 
man. He could insult a guest in a fashion that I have 
never seen equalled. There was a peculiar style in the 
manner of his insults which ought to be copyrighted 
for the benefit of the snobbery in general. He could 
invent more scientific schemes to torture and annoy his 
q 31 



362 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

guest than I could describe in a week. He owned both 
the railroad and the hotel, which enabled him to carry 
out his plans of petty meanness in a satisfactory man- 
ner. 

When the train stopped a cold torrent of rain was 
pouring down, which drenched us to the skin before we 
could clamber up the steep hill to the hotel. The entire 
party crowded around the only stove in the house, 
shivering with cold. There was not a hatful of fire in 
the stove. Charley requested the proprietor to have a 
lire made. 

" Plenty of fire there," was the deliberate reply, as 
the brute turned on his heel and walked away. 

I then asked if he would have a fire made in my 
room. 

" We don't make fires in private rooms," was all the 
comfort he gave me. 

"Can we get luncheon?" inquired a shivering guest. 

" We don't furnish luncheon at this time of day," 
was the reply. 

" You don't seem to care much for the comfort of 
your guests," I ventured to observe. 

i( They have my permission to leave the house at any 
moment they may choose." 

" Now, my dear, generous friend !" I exclaimed, as I 
grasped his hand, " how can I sufficiently thank you 
for this manifestation of liberality? You have indeed 
overwhelmed me by this exhibition of goodness. I 
shall endeavor to profit by this unexpected privilege." 

He smiled sweetly as he strode away. 

I lost no time in making known to my friends the 



RAPID RAMBL1NGS IN EUROPE. 3(33 

permission given us to leave as soon as we might wish. 
Every member of the party was deeply impressed by 
the liberality of our host, and it was unanimously de- 
cided that we should show our appreciation by quitting, 
the house at once. But, alas ! our magnificent air- 
castle came tumbling down when we were informed 
that no train went down until next morning. No 
wonder that our host could smile so sweetly while 
giving us permission to vacate. From that moment I 
became demoralized ; in fact, I was panic-stricken ; 
and I grieve to say the same feeling became epidemic 
among the rest of the guests. We were Philistines in 
the hands of Samson, sheep in the shambles, frogs in 
the hands of cruel boys, mice in the paws of cats ; in 
point of fact, we were orphan children at Tewkesbury. 
We mourned in captivity, shivered and gnashed our 
teeth, cursed the Hotel Kulm and its proprietor. 

I ventured to inquire at what hour dinner would 
be served. Eight o'clock was the hour named, it then 
being only five. My knees grew weak and smote 
against each other like Belshazzar's when he saw the 
mysterious handwriting on the wall. 

" For heaven's sake," said I, " get me a sandwich. 
I am an orphan five thousand miles from home, starv- 
ing among strangers. Please don't let me die when 
you can so easily prevent it." 

Nothing but the wish to avoid the expense of a 
funeral induced the proprietor to order me a sandwich. 
I eagerly separated the thin slices of stale bread, vainly 
expecting to find a slice of ham between them, but I 
beheld it not. 



304 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

" Why did you not put a slice of ham in it ?" I asked. 

"I did," replied the waiter. 

Then I became alarmed lest my eyes were failing. 
I showed the bread to Miss Bell, who declared there 
was no ham on it. 

Miss Stevenson brought her large field-glass to bear 
on it. 

" The ham is there," she said. 

Sure enough, there was a slice of ham so thin that it 
was not visible to the naked eye. 

" I'll wager the cigars for the party that I can read 
the Constitution through that slice of ham," exclaimed 
Dick, as he made a grab at it. 

I anticipated his intentions, and ended the matter by 
despatching bread, ham, and all. 

The sun pitied our forlorn condition, and showed it 
by dispersing the clouds and covering the mountain 
with a flood of warm golden rays. This slice of good 
luck afforded us an opportunity to behold one of the 
grandest sights we ever saw. Many tall Alpine peaks 
could be seen bathed in a sea of golden light, notwith- 
standing the fact that they were two hundred miles 
from us. Eight beautiful lakes slumbered undisturbed 
within the circuit of our vision, apparently a stone's 
throw of where we stood, though the nearest one was 
six miles from us. Cities, towns, villages, and castles 
dotted the valley on every side, while yellow fields of 
wheat spread out like a picture beneath us. As the 
sun approached the verge of the horizon it grew to an 
enormous size, resembling a huge globe of dark-red 
fire. The mind can imagine nothing so superlatively 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 365 

grand j mountains, lakes, fields, and valleys for a dis- 
tance of two hundred miles in every direction were 
tinged with that peculiar dark-red color, which grew 
darker as the shadows of the mountains began to march 
across the lakes. This charming scene amply rewarded 
us for the sufferings we were forced to endure. 

When I requested the proprietor to have me called 
in time to see the sun rise next morning, he told me 
that he was of the opinion that the sun could rise with- 
out my assistance, and sure enough it did. However, I 
do not state it as a fact within the limits of my own 
knowledge; it is a mere matter of opinion, because 
nobody saw it rise. Acting upon the friendly sugges- 
tion of my host that the sun could rise without my 
assistance, I remained in bed until breakfast. Those 
who got up early to see it rise were disappointed, as the 
sky was effectually concealed by the clouds. 

When I was ready to depart from the Hotel Kulm I 
grasped the landlord's hand, and thus addressed him : 

" For the scientific manner in which you have tor- 
tured us, and the systematic plan you have invented to 
render us miserable while in your house, I beg you to 
accept my profound thanks. I have many enemies 
whom I want to punish ; if I can persuade them to 
visit your house, my revenge will be sweet, complete, 
and satisfactory." 

I heard one of the guests say that if he owed a man 
half a dozen petty rascals, he would consider the land- 
lord a legal tender for the whole debt. As we left the 
detestable place, I overheard a man muttering some- 
thing like this : 

31* 



366 RAPID RAMBL1NGS IN EUROPE. 

" Who knows thee well must quit thee with disgust, 
Degraded mass of animated dust." 



I am much obliged to Lord Byron for these expressive 
lines. 



CHAPTER XXIX. 

Ltoxs, August 6. 

When we left Lucerne we went to Zurich, where an 
international exhibition was being held. The grounds 
and buildings were first-class ; the various articles on 
exhibition compared favorably with those that I have 
seen at other points. 

The drollest show I have seen on the Continent was 
a Swiss circus, which was delighting the denizens of 
Zurich while we were there. Six fat steers, as white 
as snow, served as ring-runners. They would gallop 
around the ring as swiftly as a horse, leap over one 
another's back, jump the rope, and go through all the 
evolutions in a manner calculated to astonish those 
who never saw the like before. A platoon of Turkish 
cavalry came charging in from one side, while a like 
number of French came from an opposite direction. 
A miniature battle ensued; a French soldier and his 
beautiful white steed were shot down, apparently dead. 
The Turks retreated, the French pursuing. As soon 
as the field was cleared the wounded soldier began to 
revive, bound up his own wounds, then made a band- 



RAPID RAMB LINGS IN EUROPE. 357 

age of his coat, and bound up the wounds of his steed. 
He pulled out a flask and took a drink, and then pre- 
sented the flask to the horse, who eagerly swallowed the 
liquor. Then the horse kneeled down, so that his 
wounded master could mount his back, and then went 
limping out of the ring. Take it all in all, I never 
witnessed such manifestations of intelligence in a horse. 
Dan Rice's famous cream-colored stallion could not 
beat it. 

Zurich is the capital of a Swiss canton of the same 
name, which in 1870 had a population of three hun- 
dred thousand, — probably as much as four hundred 
thousand now. It is a beautiful city, whose inhabit- 
ants are a sober, industrious, religious people, three- 
fourths of them being Protestants. It is located in the 
valley of the Rhine, and surrounded by a vast area of 
the best quality of agricultural and pasture lands. It 
was at Zurich that Zwingle preached the Reformation 
three hundred and sixty years ago. The old cathedral 
where he used to proclaim his new doctrines to thou- 
sands of willing believers still stands there, looking as 
new as it did three centuries ago. 

During the reign of Bloody Mary of England, when 
the flames of persecution were continually devouring 
the Christian martyrs, Zurich furnished a safe refuge 
to many thousands who fled from Great Britain. The 
first English version of the Bible ever printed made its 
appearance at Zurich in the year 1535. It was trans- 
lated by Miles Coverdale, an eminent Greek scholar, 
who resided here. He personally superintended the 
printing, and it is confidently asserted by many theo- 



368 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

logians that until this day no improvement has been 
made on his translation. 

On Thursday night a grand torch-light procession pa- 
raded the streets. Six thousand men, each one holding 
a bright-blazing torch, marched through the streets from 
six until twelve o'clock, converting night into daylight. 
Three bands of splendid music and two regiments of 
dragoons contributed much to the attractiveness of the 
pageant. All the windows were crowded with gayly- 
elad ladies, whose dark hair and rosy cheeks (all the 
Swiss ladies have rosy cheeks) made a picture that was 
pleasant to look upon. The city was thronged with a 
vast number of visitors from all parts of Europe who 
had come to see the grand international exposition. 
Everybody, his wife and daughters, sons, cousins, and 
aunts, had on their best clothes, and seemed to be 
anxious that everybody else should see them. I have 
rarely seen such a lively multitude of humanity as that 
I beheld at Zurich. 

On Friday morning, at an early hour, we took the 
train for Schaffhausen, where we arrived at eleven 
o'clock, and took luncheon at the Hotel Bellevue, which 
stands on an elevated plateau, affording the guest an 
excellent view of the falls of the Rhine. I had read 
many highly-colored descriptions of these falls, which 
I am now prepared to pronounce the merest gush. To 
those who had never beheld Niagara this insignificant 
cataract might appear wonderful. By the side of Ni- 
agara it would rank as a pilot boat would by the side 
of the largest ocean steamer. 

I asked a lady where the falls were. Laughing 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 369 

heartily, she wanted to know if I expected to have them 
handed to me on a dish. 

" Can you not see them very plainly over there, just 
to the left of that hotel V she continued, pointing to 
that which looked more like a mill-dam on Fall River 
than anything else. The Rhine at this point is not 
over one hundred yards wide, and the main abrupt fall 
is not more than thirty feet. 

After satisfying ourselves with Schaffhausen and the 
famous falls we retreated to Zurich, had a good night's 
rest, and early Saturday morning set out for Geneva, 
arriving there at four P.M. We left the train at Lau- 
sanne, where we boarded a steamboat and enjoyed a 
delightful sail on Lake Leman. 

While standing on the deck gazing at the delightful 
scenery, a gust of wind lifted my hat from my head and 
tossed it into the water a hundred yards away. A few 
days afterward Dick declared that he saw my hat on 
exhibition at Chillon ; they were showing it as the 
identical hat worn by Francis Bonnivard while he was 
a prisoner three hundred years ago. It was looked 
upon as a wonderful curiosity by antiquarians. Many 
remarks were made about the quaintness of the style of 
hats worn in those days. Now, I am ready to admit 
that when that hat was new I was many years younger 
than I was when I parted with it ; I further admit that 
the style of it differed somewhat from those now in 
fashion, but it has not been out of fashion quite three 
hundred years. I do not know what sort of a hat Bon- 
nivard wore when he was a prisoner of Chillon, but I 
don't believe it was at all like mine. At Geneva I was 
v 



370 RAPID RAMBLING S IN EUROPE. 

forced to buy a new hat, which the ladies say was ex- 
quisite, etc. 

The more I see of the Swiss the better I like them. 
They are always courteous, kind, and attentive to 
strangers. With one solitary exception we found all 
the hotel-keepers to be liberal, the servants polite and 
attentive, bedding good, and everything clean, or- 
derly, and splendid. As a matter of self-defence the 
hotel-keepers of Switzerland ought to unite and drive 
the landlord of the Hotel Kulm from the country. I 
deem it my duty, however, to tell the reader that that 
contemptible wretch who disgraces his avocation on the 
RJgi is not a native of Switzerland. He is an inter- 
loper, an excrescence, a wart on the face of the hotel 
avocation, a fraud on travellers, a cancer on the nose 
of the Rigi ; in fact, he is the seven-year itch on the 
hotel-keepers of Switzerland. I advise them to scratch 
him to death or smoke him out with sulphur. 

Lyons, Monday, August 6th. 

Here we are at last comfortably located in one of the 
very best hotels in the beautiful, brilliant city of Lyons. 
We arrived here at ten o'clock last night, after a long, 
dusty ride from Geneva. 

The line of this railroad traverses that portion of 
France so famous for its wild romantic scenery. Every 
now and then we could catch a charming view of Mount 
Blanc, whose snow-capped crest was bathed in a sea of 
shining ice. As the rays of the sun glanced down 
on the vast banks of snow and ice, it looked like a 
solid wave of burnished silver. On our right was 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 37 1 

spread out a boundless plain, dotted over with pretty 
villages, churches, and farm-houses, all painted as white 
as new-fallen snow. Two rows of tall trees bordered 
both sides, the tops of which were trimmed to a uni- 
form size and height, presenting a picture of incom- 
parable beauty. Long lines of well-trimmed hedges en- 
circled the cultivated fields, while a rich golden harvest 
of wheat was falling before the scythe of the husband- 
man. I do not think I ever saw a French peasant who 
was not clad in a light blue blouse or overshirt, flowing 
loose about his body, with trowsers of the same uniform 
color. The women all wear gowns of the same kind 
of cloth, and usually assist the men in cultivating the 
farms. The sanctity of the Sabbath does not seem to 
be appreciated by the French. I saw hundreds of 
them cutting, binding, and hauling wheat on Sunday 
as we came from Geneva. 

The city of Lyons is one of the wealthiest as well as 
the gayest in the dominions of France. I have rarely 
beheld a more enchanting spectacle than that which 
presented itself to my eyes as I drove through the 
streets last night. Such blaze of bright lights, such 
crowds of gayly-dressed ladies, such strains of sweet 
music, such a throng of pretty girls, such gardens teem- 
ing with fragrant flowers, such charming fountains, 
spouting water high in the air. It was a gorgeous 
scene of the " Arabian Nights" materialized to all in- 
tents and purposes. Everybody seemed to be happy ; 
everybody seemed to be at a universal picnic ; every- 
body appeared to be glad that everybody was alive. 
The streets were so light that it made me sorry to see 



372 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

the sun rise, as I thought it would mar the exquisite 
beauty of the picture. 

One would think that gas was cheaper than daylight 
in the city of Lyons. It is considered an evidence of 
ill-breeding for any one to leave his bed here before 
ten. The fashion is to run all night and sleep, all 
day. 

I squandered two or three hours in trying to find 
Mr. Melnotte ; I wanted him to introduce me to Mrs. 
Melnotte, the lady of Lyons. I expect the reader has 
heard of her. She treated Claude very shabbily, but 
in the end made ample amends for it. When she 
discovered that he had money and fame she went 
into his arms just like some other ladies do under simi- 
lar circumstances. I was absolutely disgusted when it 
was confidently affirmed by a hundred citizens of Lyons 
that no such a man as Claude Melnotte had ever re- 
sided there. I have Bulwer's word for it, and I will 
not allow the ignorant people of Lyons to knock the 
foundation from under such a magnificent castle of 
romance. 

The city of Lyons is situated on a broad peninsula 
of land between the Rhone and Saone, two of the most 
beautiful rivers on the Continent. From the dome of 
Notre Dame, the height of which is three hundred and 
sixty feet, a most delightful picture may be seen. The 
tortuous course of the two charming rivers, as they go 
winding and twisting along among the mountains, 
hills, and valleys, can be distinctly seen to the utmost 
limit of the vision. The white towers, domes, and 
lofty battlements of the city glitter in the sunlight be- 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 373 

neath, while far away to the east and south a panorama 
of undulating farm-lands, teeming with ripe wheat, 
looks like a slumbering lake of molten gold. Hun- 
dreds of cosey white villages may be seen sticking 
close to the rising hills like bright jewels, while vast 
herds of fat cattle quietly graze on the fields of green 
clover that fringe both banks of the Rhone and the 
Saone. 

Prominent among the wonders of Lyons are her 
silk-factories, which to-day we took the pains thor- 
oughly to inspect. The number of looms now em- 
ployed in the manufacture of silk is estimated at one 
hundred thousand, and the annual value of silk made 
here is estimated at eighty millions of dollars. We 
were conducted through one of the largest factories by 
a courteous superintendent, who was kind enough to 
explain to us the intricate machinery used in the estab- 
lishment. I saw some of the operatives weaving pic- 
tures of Washington and Lincoln with various colors 
in silk. The superintendent showed us a dozen pic- 
tures of prominent men that were woven into the cloth. 
Those of Gambetta, Clay, Lincoln, and Washington 
are as perfect as if made by the brush of an experi- 
enced artist. A goodly number of francs that accom- 
panied us from the hotel to the factory were not with 
us when we started back. The temptations were of a 
pocket-emptying sort that were absolutely irresistible. 
How could an inexperienced female be expected to 
take money into a silk- factory and be able to carry it 
away again ? None but idiots would expect such an 
absurdity. Here is a small slice of good advice, which 

32 



374 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

I offer to the reader without extra charge : Don't take 
young females where silk is manufactured, unless you 
have been a prominent stockholder in the Credit Mo- 
bil ier Mutual Aid Society or a shipbuilder for the 
United States Navy. A whiskey-ringer or an Indian 
agent couldn't stand it. 

After having made satisfactory perambulation 
through all the mechanical part of the factory, we 
were ushered into the parlor, or salesroom, which was 
elegantly furnished with sofas, divans, soft-cushioned 
rocking-chairs, lounges, foot-stools, and a hundred other 
articles calculated to captivate lazy men, one of which 
truth compels me to confess I am. I deposited myself 
on a sofa the cushions of which were covered with pea- 
green silk better suited for the robe of an empress than 
the use to which it had been put. I had no sooner 
taken my seat than half a score of pretty girls, hand- 
somely clad in gay-colored silk, began to urge me to 
purchase a dozen dress-patterns. One threw three bolts 
of pink silk on my head as I reclined on the sofa, 
another tossed six bolts at my face, another pitched a 
dozen bolts on my shoulders. This brought me to a 
sitting posture, when a tornado of silk swept over me, 
burying my body beneath a Niagara of fine fabrics. 

" Dis is ze exquzique textee ze empress weare at ze 
Victoree gran' ball," cried a pretty blue- eyed blond, as 
she excavated me from the gorgeous ruins. 

A curly-haired brunette said, — 

" See ! Ze Grand Dutcheese of Austree wedding 
trousseau ze same like as dis. Take him at sanque 
francs. " 




CHARLEY. 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 375 

With considerable exertion I managed to poke my 
head above the surface of the silk sea, when a perfect 
cyclone of new colors began to fall upon me. I sur- 
rendered at discretion, fell back on the sofa and waited 
for the denouement. I grieve to say that there is some- 
thing about my personal appearance that justifies 
strangers in taking me for a first-class dunce. Dick 
declares there is no mistake about it. He says that a 
simple schoolboy could read and interpret the evidence 
that Nature has so plainly written on my countenance. 
I am a wiser man this evening than I was this morn- 
ing. If they ever get me in a silk-factory again, they 
will have to convert my body into a cannon-ball and 
shoot it through the wall. I beg to include lace- 
factories in this constitutional amendment too. 

To-morrow we make the run of three hundred miles 
to Paris, where we expect to remain a fortnight inter- 
viewing the wonders of the French capital. If I have, 
any dreams to-night, it will be about purgatory where 
fallen angels keep up the fires with burning silk. 



CHAPTER XXX. 

Paris, Sunday, August 12. 

" All aboard for Paris !" was the welcome sound 
that rung through the air as we entered the depot at 
Lyons on Tuesday morning. I suppose that was what 



376 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

the conductor said, though I could not understand him. 
Anyhow, he first pointed at me and then at a white 
board suspended on the side of the coach, with 
" Paris" plainly painted in black letters on it. Six 
of our party pre-empted the compartment, but we had 
scarcely taken our seats when a large man with short 
legs, long body, red face, and colossal nose thrust his 
head through the door and said a hundred words to 
the second. When he stopped to inflate his lungs 
preparatory for another recitation, I threw a broadside 
of Cherokee epithets at him; then Dick immersed him 
with a reservoir of Dutch jargon. Chittenden then 
shot him with a dozen Latin sentences. The French- 
man exhibited evidences of courage. He returned the 
fire with redoubled energy, but we all continued to 
shell him with Dutch, Latin, and Cherokee at once. 
At length he called for the agent. 

When that officer approached, the Frenchman de- 
clared that he had engaged the compartment before we 
got into it. 

Charlie, who had been superintending the baggage, 
now marched up and inquired the cause of the row. 

" This man says he engaged this compartment before 
we got into it." 

" He don't can tell me dot," exclaimed Charley. " I 
tell him dot he bees von, — what you call him ?" 

" Liar." 

" Yes, he ish dot, and I tell him so." 

And, sure enough, Charley told him in his own lan- 
guage that he had lied. 

Things by this time began to assume a wakeful 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 377 

appearance, and propositions of a hostile nature were 
interchanged, but Avar was prevented by the sudden 
departure of the train. Charley leaped into our com- 
partment, and the Frenchman went into another. The 
whole matter was amicably settled when we got to 
the next station. The trouble originated from a mis.- 
take made by the Frenchman in regard to the number 
of the compartment which he had engaged. 

Charley is the embodiment of politeness and gener- 
osity, but I consider it unsafe for any one to trespass 
on his rights. He is German by birth, Swiss by 
adoption, and a brave, kind gentleman by nature. He 
has been well educated, has read much history, speaks 
seven languages, and has travelled extensively on the 
Continent. He is our agent, guide, interpreter, com- 
missary, quartermaster, train-manager, baggage-mas- 
ter, cashier, commanding-general ; in short, he is our 
factotum, and right nobly has he performed all the 
duties appertaining to his various departments. It 
would not be proper to call him a courier, because he 
is not by any means a servant. He purchases tickets, 
arranges hotel bills, overlooks porters and waiters, and 
sees that we receive the proper attention. He owns a 
considerable estate at Chamounix, and travels for pleas- 
ure and not for wages alone. I dare say that we might 
have made the trip without an interpreter, but the 
petty annoyances and the exorbitant charges to which 
we would have been forced to submit would have 
necessarily, to a great extent, marred the pleasure of 
the trip. One feels completely comfortable at a hotel 
when there is nothing to do, no baggage to look after, 

32* 



378 RAPID RAMBLING S IN EUROPE. 

no time-table to examine, no tickets to purchase, no 
cavilling with carriage-drivers, no danger of being 
left; in fact, no thinking to do, — no work of any sort. 
How delightful it is to know that your agent will be 
sure to attend to everything at the proper time. If 
anybody speaks to you about business, how pleasant it 
is to have an agent to whom to refer him. If you feel 
that it would relieve your mind to scold an indolent 
servant or an obstinate hackman, how delightful it is 
to be able to do it by proxy. You can indulge in all 
sorts of wickedness with impunity, for the agent is 
your scapegoat. If you overdo the business and get 
involved in trouble with the police, your interpreter 
extricates you by telling the officer that you are an 
American general whose mind has been unsettled by 
seeing a wife and nine children killed and scalped by 
Comanche Indians, while you were tied to a tree, 
and that the United States government had sent you 
abroad, hoping to restore your reason. 

Charley's imagination was fertile and eminently 
productive; it never failed to answer a demand that 
the exigencies of any case required him to make of it. 
He rarely failed to secure the best apartments at hotels 
and railroads for his party. I was surprised on one 
occasion when a polite landlord bowed so low that 
his nose came within ten inches of the floor, as he 
said, — 

" Hope ze genereel feel welle zis morning ! Ze staff 
w T aitee for ze genereel at ze breadfast tabeel." 

Charley had been palming me off on the credulous 
host as a distinguished American general who was 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 379 

travelling with his staff on the Continent. You may 
be sure that I did not feel disposed to raise a row with 
him for perpetrating this innocent fraud, which had 
secured for myself and companions the very best rooms 
in the house. 

The line of the railroad from Lyons to Paris 
runs through a country of incomparable beauty. 
Every foot of land as far as the eye could see was 
cultivated like a beautiful flower-garden. No rank 
weeds or thorny briers, no ugly sprouts or monoto- 
nous sedges, no dog-fennel ; indeed, .nothing grew 
in the soil except that which was useful or orna- 
mental. Innumerable little canals filled with pure, 
clear water, whose banks were bordered by two rows 
of trees of uniform height, checkered the face of the 
country in every direction. Hundreds of gayly- 
painted little boats glided over the shining water 
laden with the products of the rich-yielding soil. 
No cow-catcher was attached to the engine, because 
there were no cows to catch. Live-stock doesn't run at 
large in France. A railroad accident is rarely heard 
of here, though greater speed is made than on any 
other part of the Continent. The roads are perfectly 
smooth, and the train glides along like a sleigh, 
scarcely making any noise. In the United States it is 
no uncommon thing for two trains to attempt to run 
past each other on the same track. How frequently 
do we read articles in the morning papers something 
like this : 

" Trifling accident on the Split Flint Railroad. The 
2.40 express collided with the 3.50 lightning mail at 



380 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

twenty-three minutes past seven this morning, three 
miles east of Stony Point. Only forty-seven passengers 
were killed and sixty-three wounded ; the rest of the 
passengers, seventeen in number, were transferred 
round the wreck in wagons and continued their jour- 
ney to St. Musktine. An extra train, loaded with 
surgeons and their amputating instruments, started for 
the scene promptly at 7.47. The ladies deserve the 
highest praise for the promptness with which they pre- 
pared lint and bandages for the wounded. We under- 
stand that an investigation into the cause of the acci- 
dent will be made at an early day. It is intimated 
that the train-despatcher had been spiritually influ- 
enced by a mysterious substance known in Ubedam as 
' bust-head/ which caused him to order the express to 
pass the mail between Stony Point and Salt Creek. 
He had evidently overlooked the trifling fact that 
there was only one track and no switch between those 
points. The company will no doubt suspend the de- 
spatcher for at least a month, a punishment none "too 
severe in his case." 

We invaded Paris at six o'clock Tuesday even- 
ing. What shall I say about the French metropolis? 
Everybody goes into ecstasies about beautiful Paris. 
In point of fact, it is fashionable for tourists to make 
fools of themselves about it, unless nature has saved 
them the trouble. 

I like the French people very well, indeed, because 
they are so uniformly polite and kind to visitors. 

Strange as it may sound to the reader, I must tell the 
truth : I have been smitten with a spell of politeness 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 381 

since my arrival. How could a reasonable man be im- 
polite when everybody else is smiling and bowing at 
him as if he were an emperor? I have fallen into the 
habit of lifting off my hat to every man I meet. I do 
not allow a dray-driver or a street-sweeper to pass 
without bowing low with uncovered head. The habit 
has become so deeply embedded in my nature that I 
not unfrequently lift my hat to a passing dog in my 
absent-mindedness. Yesterday I found myself bowing 
and scraping to a marble statue of Apollo, in the gar- 
den of the Tuileries. I did not refuse to recognize him 
merely because somebody had stolen his clothes. 

Discarding all jokes, I do most seriously say that the 
French people can, and do, surpass all others in their 
uniform courtesy and politeness to strangers. If there 
is any rudeness in a man's nature, a constant association 
with them will make him ashamed to show it. They 
are especially kind and attentive to Americans. They 
take particular pains, and never fail to make one feel 
at home among them. 

Paris is the best-governed city on the Continent, and 
has the most efficient police. If a ruffian breaks your 
head, he is put in the station-house, and you have your 
head mended in the hospital. If a man breaks your 
head in London, you are put in the station-house, and 
the other man is reprimanded. In Rome the police 
don't interfere with either party, because they are asleep. 

Yesterday we had a delightful carriage-ride out to 
Versailles, over a charming road that penetrated a wil- 
derness of pretty shade-trees. Artificial lakes, whose 
smooth waters were covered with innumerable aquatic 



382 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

fowls, fountains spouting silvery spray high above the 
earth, broad acres of fragrant flowers, umbrageous 
vines, and rural grottoes appeared on every side. Gay 
equipages of every imaginable style, filled with the 
elite of the city, dashed past like an express-train. 
Buggies drawn by bobtailed trotters went by with 
electric speed; male and female equestrians darted 
along with a speed that would win money on a race- 
course. 

The ladies have a strange habit of springing up ten 
or fifteen inches above the saddle every jump the horse 
makes. They evidently do more work than the horse. 
I think a lady would make a better show if she would 
sit erect in her saddle and let the horse do the jumping. 

Of course everybody that goes to Paris visits the 
Grand and Petite Trianon, at Versailles. None but 
dull people can fail to appreciate a visit to those places 
where so many historical incidents have had their 
origin. It was in the Petite Trianon where the beau- 
tiful, frivolous, but unfortunate Marie Antoinette spent 
the happiest days of her girlhood, surrounded by a 
score or two of her female attendants. Here it was 
where she had a little theatre built, and employed the 
happy days in managing and training her amateur 
troupe, often appearing on the stage herself in the rdle 
of a lovesick milkmaid. It was here where the young 
queen played the dairymaid, — not on the stage, but in 
reality. All the implements which she used in her 
dairy are to be seen there just as she left them a hun- 
dred years ago; among them is a milk-strainer that 
must have cost more than a thousand francs. All 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 383 

the pails, pans, and other vessels which she employed 
in her miniature cheese-factory are lined with either 
gold or silver. The furniture in her bed-chamber 
stands there just as it stood when she occupied the 
apartment. The initials of her name are wrought in 
gilt letters on the chairs, while the silk counterpane 
that was made one hundred years ago still covers the 
bed where she slept the happy sleep of youth. A 
dozen cosey little rooms, where she used to lodge her 
frolicsome associates, may be seen, with all the furni- 
ture preserved, which as yet shows no signs of age. 
Her sleigh, a quaint-looking thing, gorgeously wrought 
with gold and shiny brass, silk cushions, and gay trim- 
mings, was pointed out to us. 

A melancholy interest seems to cling to every article 
that once belonged to Marie Antoinette. The sad fate 
that eventually overtook her, the romantic incidents 
that intermingled themselves with her history, will 
naturally carry our thoughts back to the time when 
she was a happy girl, an honored queen, and a con- 
tented wife. She was the daughter of a king, the wife 
of a king, and one of the most beautiful women in 
Europe. When she was married to Louis XVI. 
twelve hundred people were crushed to death by the 
vast crowd that had assembled to honor her. How 
short was the brief space of time after that when her 
head rolled in the dust under the blade of the guillo- 
tine, on the very spot where the multitude collected to 
worship her. That broad, white brow, on which a 
crown of diamonds so often sparkled, fell into a pool 
of blood and dirt, amid the hisses and the groans of a 



384 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

frantic multitude. No doubt that multitude was largely 
augmented by the very meu who had trampled others 
to death while endeavoring to see the young bride. 
She was the daughter of Maria Theresa, of Austria, 
who, when embracing Marie Antoinette at their part- 
ing, said,— 

" My mind is troubled with a mysterious foreboding 
of coming evil that is to overtake my beloved child. 
What the French love to-day they hate to-morrow. 
What they hate they destroy." 

How true did the mother's predictions prove. 

It was the influence of Marie Antoinette that in- 
duced the king to give his sanction to the treaty of 
alliance with the American colonies during the struggle 
for independence. Her execution has cast a dark stain 
on the fair fame of France. She was executed in the 
name of liberty, under circumstances that would cause 
the Goddess of Liberty to bow her head and blush to 
see such vile crimes committed in her name. 

The secret staircase through which Marie Antoinette 
made her escape, when the grand palace was attacked 
by the revolutionary mob, was shown to us by our 
guide. There were more than one of those mysterious 
passages through which entrances and exits could be 
made. I dare say that if those marble blocks could 
speak they would reveal many a strange secret that has 
slumbered undisturbed for over a hundred years. 

Marie Antoinette's carriage stands in an old stone 
building near the Petite Trianon. It is a stylish 
little vehicle, completely covered with burnished gold. 
The wheels, hubs, springs, and body looked as if 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 385 

they were made of solid gold, though they are only em- 
bellished with it. The State carriage in which the 
Empress Josephine rode from the palace when she was 
divorced from Napoleon I. stands by the side of Marie 
Antoinette's. 

We were conducted through the apartments occupied 
by Josephine when the emperor had his headquarters 
in the Grand Trianon. Her rooms still contain the 
furniture which she used while occupying them, all 
apparently untarnished by the hand of time. The 
cosey chamber where she was wont to retire with her 
most intimate female friends and spend the time at 
needlework, is an exquisitely-furnished little cage. 
Her work-table, thimble, scissors, needle-case, and a 
few unfinished scraps of embroidery are there just as 
she left them nearly a century ago. The divorcing of 
Josephine by Napoleon fixed a blot on his fame similar 
to that which the murder of Marie Antoinette fastened 
on the fame of France. 

In one of the chambers of the Grand Trianon the 
guide showed us a table which he said cost over fifty 
thousand dollars. It was not more than four feet 
square, but it contained a small piece of every sort of 
precious stone known to the world, — porphyry, agate, 
lapis lazuli, green, yellow, brown, and black garnet, 
sapphire, onyx, pearl, mother-of-pearl, grand mother-of- 
pearl, great-grandmother-of-pearl, the cousins, aunts, 
and nieces of pearl, and, in fact, all the lineal descend- 
ants and collateral relations of pearl. I consider that 
table intrinsically worth fifteen dollars, and not a cent 
more. 

r z S3 



386 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

The apartments that had been occupied by Napoleon 
consisted of two large rooms and one small one, the 
latter being his bed-chamber. The bedstead, with all 
its costly paraphernalia, stands exactly where it did 
when the conqueror of Europe slept on it. His escri- 
toire, containing his inkstand, pens, paper-cutter, sand- 
box, is preserved intact. His chairs, bath-tub, bureaus, 
and every article of furniture, are to be seen where he 
left them. I was rather surprised at the diminutive 
size of his bed. It was not more than thirty inches 
wide and five and one-half feet in length. 

Another room in the palace was set apart for the ac- 
commodation of Queen Victoria, who visited France 
while Napoleon III. occupied the throne. This room 
was supplied with a lot of furniture unsurpassed for 
gorgeousness and beauty. The bedstead looks like a 
solid mass of exquisitely carved gold, while the trap- 
pings are made to correspond with it, so far as beauty 
is concerned. We were informed by our guide that 
not an article of any description had been removed 
from the room since the English queen was entertained 
there. 

We were conducted into the spacious ball-room, the 
walls of which were covered with Terpsichorean pic- 
tures painted in gaudy colors. The guide said that the 
last grand ball that was given here was given in honor 
of Queen Victoria, who opened the dance with the em- 
peror for her partner. The next set Napoleon danced 
was with Count von Moltke, while Bismarck played 
the fiddle. 

We went from the Trianon to the grand palace, 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 387 

which is by far the largest one we have yet seen. It 
requires three hours' walk merely to pass through all 
the rooms, without stopping to examine the vast num- 
ber of pictures that adorn the walls. The paintings 
are of the best quality, many of them being the work 
of the most famous artists. 

It is a noticeable fact that a majority represent Na- 
poleon I. as the grand constellation around which 
revolved a thousand smaller planets. One might 
get a complete history of all his great victories by an 
examination of the pictures, but no intimation of his 
defeats. 

We were quite worn out when we got back to the 
city, but, taking it all in all, we enjoyed the day 
admirably. 

I had a particular object in view when I came to 
Paris. I kept my object a profound secret ; I did not 
wish to divide my fame with others. My soul was 
filled with ambitious thoughts; my heart swelled 
with pride, as I matured a plan that would make me 
the observed of all observers. My brain fairly 
throbbed with pain, so thick was it crowded with new 
ideas. I could not bear to hear frivolous conversation. 
I had seriously damaged my appetite by constant 
study, for I could not eat more than four meals per 
day. I was working out a problem that was to startle 
Europe, astonish America, and make Victor Hugo 
blush for his stupidity. I came here purposely to do 
it, and I have done it. Yes, I have accomplished that 
which has baffled all the scholars of Europe. I am the 
only man that could unravel a mystery that has puzzled 



388 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

the universal world for many years. I had no other 
object in view when I visited Paris, but the accom- 
plishment of this wonderful feat. I came here with a 
firm resolve to find out who wore the Iron Mask. I 
have found him out. I will tell the whole story in the 
next chapter. 



CHAPTER XXXI 

Paris, August 12. 

Who was the man that wore the Iron Mash f This 
is the question that I have promised to answer. I 
never break a promise unless it is inconvenient to keep 
it whole. In revealing this wonderful secret, justice 
and truth compel me to say that I have been greatly 
assisted by a venerable Frenchman ; indeed, I ought to 
state further that without the valuable information 
furnished by my ancient friend, it is more than prob- 
able that my plan of discovery would have failed. 

Many years ago, while on a visit to Mount Vernon, 
I saw the key of the Bastile lying on a little table in 
Washington's house. It was presented to General 
Washington by the Marquis de la Fayette. I had an 
extensive conversation with that key, though most of 
the talking was done by me. I made particular in- 
quiries as to the identity of the man who wore the Iron 
Mask, but must confess that no satisfactory answer was 
received in that respect. That old rusty key was a 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 339 

ponderous article, with a hollow barrel as large as that 
of an ordinary -sized musket. I dare say it could have 
imparted to my inquiring mind many startling secrets 
if it had possessed a conversational disposition. While 
gazing abstractedly at that old relic of a tyrannical age 
I vowed a vow that I would unearth the iron-mask 
mystery if it took ten years and all the money I could 
borrow. Whether I have succeeded or not is a ques- 
tion to be settled by the reader after hearing the evi- 
dence. If I have accomplished the task in a manner 
satisfactory to an indulgent constituency, it is my inten- 
tion to tackle the Junius mystery at an early day. It 
would be as well to make a clean sweep of the whole 
business while my hand is in. Junius wrote the Duke 
of Grafton from office, sent him home in disgrace, 
made George III. tremble like Belshazzar, quashed 
Judge Blackstone, annihilated Lord Mansfield, threw 
the British government into spasms, and then had the 
impudence to die without revealing his real name to 
the world. But never mind ; wait a little ; see what 
you shall see. But I digress; let Junius sleep in his 
nameless grave, while I work on the Iron Mask. I 
will first state the case as it was known to the public, 
then as it was known to the nobility, and then as it was 
generally thought about by the commons ; after which 
I shall proceed to show that they knew nothing at all 
about it. I will then deliberately tell who wore the 
Iron Mask. 

History tells us that the Bastile was built in a.d. 
1362, and destroyed by a popular mob in 1789. It 
had eight colossal round towers rising far above the 

33* 



390 RAPID RAMBLING S IN EUROPE. 

main body of the building, the entire wall being com- 
posed of huge blocks of solid stone. The average 
thickness of the wall was twelve feet, though from 
the basement to the second story it was thirty feet 
thick. Innumerable dark dungeons were built below 
the surface of the earth, where many an unfortunate 
victim sighed his life away in solitary confinement. 
The Bastile was surrounded by a ditch or moat 
twenty-five feet deep and fifty feet wide, which could 
be flooded with water at a moment's notice. It was 
usually guarded by one hundred soldiers, commanded 
by a reliable officer, all under the irhmediate super- 
vision of a governor, who received his commission di- 
rectly from the king. The battlements were well sup- 
plied with artillery, so planted as to be able to rake the 
streets in every direction. The Bastile was generally 
used as a political prison, wherein were confined the 
enemies of the sovereign. It was no uncommon thing 
for a man to be thrust into the Bastile to spend his 
life in a dungeon upon the mere fiat of the king, with- 
out ever knowing the cause of his arrest. The justice 
or the injustice of such a proceeding was never ques- 
tioned or inquired into. 

This being the case, it serves to increase the mys- 
tery connected with the Iron Mask, because it is very 
strange that such precautions should have been taken 
to conceal the identity of a prisoner, when the king's 
authority was completely supreme. It has been as- 
serted by some, and believed by many, that the Man in 
the Iron Mask was the twin -brother of the king, but 
that theory was at once exploded when it was clearly 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 391 

proven that the king had no twin-brother. Another 
class believed that it was the Duke of Monmouth ; 
others that the Man in the Iron Mask had crossed the 
king's path in a love-affair; but if that were true, 
where was the necessity of concealing the prisoner's 
identity ? He might have been thrust into a dungeon 
and remained there until the crack of doom without 
any notice whatever. I am merely mentioning these 
circumstances to show that they knew nothing what- 
ever about this singular mystery. To use a military 
phrase (a new one never heard of before), I am clear- 
ing the field for action, for I am about to attack this 
gigantic secret. I am not unmindful of the fact that 
it has baffled many a man, but I mean to baffle it. 

As soon as I arrived in Paris, I set about the ar- 
rangement of my plans to discover who the man was 
that wore the Iron Mask. I procured a list of the 
names of a score or two of the oldest residents in the 
city, first having secured the services of an intelligent 
guide. I had resolved to spare neither pains nor 
money (having none of the latter article to spare) in 
my researches. The first ancient person I approached 
was a blind old woman who insisted on telling me all 
about Marie Antoinette, saying that her grandmother 
had been one of the maids-of-honor to that unfortunate 
queen. On cross-examination she broke down, devel- 
oping the fact that she had never seen either her 
mother or her grandmother, but she referred me to a 
neighbor, whom she thought could give me some in- 
formation. 

The seventeenth man I met proved to be my bo- 



392 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

nanza, for that was a nickname by which he was gen- 
erally known among his acquaintances. This sobri- 
quet was given to him on account of the enormous 
price which lie had been demanding for certain in- 
formation which he claimed to possess in regard to the 
Iron Mask. I knew he was mine as soon as I had 
conversed with him five minutes, and I further knew 
that he was the very sort of an individual for whom I 
had been searching. He was tall, hump-shouldered, 
one-eyed, and could not see well out of the other ; one 
leg was missing, but cork supplied its absence. His 
nose was partially bitten off, likewise was his left ear; 
his left arm hung useless by his side, being paralyzed. 
The wrinkles in his face were deep and numerous, and 
the few straggling locks that clung to the lower edge 
of his cranium were long, white, and silky. His voice 
squeaked like an asthmatic fiddle. He had no teeth, 
and his chin embraced his semi-nose every time he 
shut his mouth. When he opened his mouth his lips 
tumbled in, having nothing to support them while 
standing up. An ugly scar, the result of a sabre-cut 
received in battle, ran diagonally across the summit of 
his bald head. He was ready and anxious to make an 
affidavit that he was a hundred and thirteen years old, 
and that his father had lived to be seven years older 
than he then was. It took but a little while to con- 
vince me that I had a wily customer to deal with, and 
that the greatest caution would be necessary to enable 
me to negotiate for the information he possessed. It 
would occupy too much space and time to recount the 
mode and manner of the proceedings adopted by me to 



RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. 393 

attain the object of my visit, but it is enough to say- 
that when I mentioned the fact that I had seen the key 
of the Bastile at Mount Vernon, the old man's best 
eye was fixed intently on me for a moment. 

" It was I who gave that key to La Fayette," said he. 
" It was I that killed the officer that kept it. It is I 
that am the possessor of a secret in connection with the 
Bastile that is worth a bonanza. I was afraid to oifer it 
for sale while France was under the rule of kings and 
emperors, because I very well knew it was a secret they 
did not want made public ; indeed, my head would at 
once have been chopped off if I had been suspected as 
the possessor of that secret. Since the establishment 
of the republic no one seems to care a copper for my 
secret ; in fact, they look upon me as an old idiot and 
laugh in my face, when I propose to sell my informa- 
tion. It is the style now to curse and ignore old forms, 
old customs, and old men, and I suppose my secret will 
soon be buried in the grave with my old body." 

If I was prodigal in making promises, I am sure 
there lives not a man better qualified to make them 
than I. I have had abundant experience in that line, 
and can furnish articles of that sort ready-made, of the 
most seductive nature. At all events, I managed to 
possess myself of the secret, and herewith present it as 
it was imparted to me by old Bonanza : 

" My grandfather was a gardener at the palace dur- 
ing the reign of Louis XIV. Prior to the marriage of 
my grandmother with my grandfather she occupied the 
position of companion and confidential friend of Made- 
moiselle de Montfort, where she became the possessor of 



394 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

certain state secrets, the disclosing of which she knew 
would cause the chopping off of her head. The informa- 
tion that I am now about to impart to you came from 
my grandmother to my mother, and from my mother to 
me. The circumstances are so completely corroborated 
by history as to remove all doubts of their truth. 

" It was on the bright sunny evening of September 
18, 1698, that a covered palanquin, closely guarded by 
a platoon of mounted soldiers, marched into the city of 
Paris. The procession was headed by St. Mars, the 
governor of the island of St. Marguerite, who com- 
manded the soldiers. This mysterious cavalcade 
slowly wended its way in the direction of the Bastile, 
coming to a halt at the outer gate. A large crowd of 
people, whose curiosity had been wrought up to the 
highest pitch by the appearance of this singular show, 
stood at a respectful distance wondering what on earth 
it meant. At length a man whose face was concealed 
behind a black velvet mask stepped down from the 
palanquin. The mask was fastened behind his head 
with massive steel springs held together by a silver 
padlock. Men and women spoke in whispers to one 
another on the street-corners as they pointed at the 
mysterious prisoner, whose dress and majestic carriage 
convinced them that he was a person of exalted rank. 
As the masked prisoner marched through the open 
gate, a soldier with cocked musket walked on each 
side, while St. Mars, pistol in hand, marched immedi- 
ately in the rear. 

" There is one circumstance connected with this 
affair that it would perhaps be well for you carefully 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 395 

to store away in your memory, for it may prove useful 
while weighing the evidence which I am about to pro- 
duce. St. Mars had been governor of the island of St. 
Marguerite for near half a century, and just one month 
before his arrival in Paris with the Iron Mask he had 
been appointed governor of the Bastile. Why, then, 
did he transfer the masked prisoner from St. Margue- 
rite to the Bastile, when it is known that said prisoner 
had been confined at the former place for over forty 
years ? Answer : Because he had been intrusted with 
a secret connected with the identity of the Iron Mask, 
— a state secret, known to none but those who knew 
how to keep it. No one was allowed to speak to the 
prisoner but St. Mars himself. The guards were not 
permitted to hold converse with him, neither did they 
know who he was, but they had positive instructions to 
shoot him if he spoke to them or to any one else. That 
the prisoner was a person of distinction is evidenced by 
the treatment he received. Instead of thrusting him 
into one of the dismal dungeons, two spacious apart- 
ments were elegantly fitted up for -his accommodation. 
They were furnished in a style no less gorgeous than 
the king's palace, while no luxury was withheld from 
him. His clothing was cut from the most costly fab- 
rics and his food prepared by the most experienced 
cooks, and the governor always sat at table with the 
prisoner when he took his meals. Lest he might com- 
municate his secret by writing it on his clothing, his 
soiled garments were burned instead of being sent to a 
laundry. The utmost precaution was observed in order 
to prevent him from procuring pen, ink, and paper In 



396 RAPID RAM B LINGS IN EUROPE. 

fact, nothing was neglected that the rigid old governor 
considered necessary to keep the prisoner's identity 
from being discovered. The iron-masked prisoner was 
permitted to attend mass, and when ill a good physi- 
cian was allowed to visit him; but the guards had or- 
ders to shoot him down at once if ever he attempted to 
speak to the priest or to a doctor. He would state the 
nature of his complaint to St. Mars, who would repeat 
it to the attending physician. In other words, the 
governor of the Bastile would make a diagnosis of the 
case and give it to the doctor, who was then permitted 
to examine the prisoner's pulse, tongue, and so forth. 

" On one occasion the mysterious prisoner managed 
to scribble a communication on a piece of a dish, which 
he threw out of a window. It was picked up by a man 
who could not read it, and was handed to an officer, 
who delivered it to St. Mars. On another occasion he 
tore off a part of his cuff and wrote a few words on it 
with blood from a vein he opened in his arm for the 
purpose. He threw this to a girl in the street ; she, 
being unable to read it, took it to the governor, who 
questioned her about its contents until he became satis- 
fied she knew nothing about it. 

" ' Your ignorance has in this instance saved your 
head,' he observed. 

" The governor had unlimited means placed in his 
hands with which to defray expenses. Indeed, his pri- 
vate fortune suddenly grew from insignificance to an 
enormous estate. When men sought preferment from 
the crown, St. Mars never failed to secure it for them 
when he tried. Why did he wield such powerful in- 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 397 

fluence with the king ? How did he accumulate such 
an immense fortune from so small a salary ? I answer 
without hesitation that it was because he was the custo- 
dian of a secret that involved not only the right of 
Louis to the throne, but also the very life of that indi- 
vidual. If the Man in the Iron Mask had been an or- 
dinary citizen, or even if he was a duke, a marquis, or 
a count, it would not have been necessary to conceal 
his identity. The justice or the injustice of any order 
emanating from the throne to imprison any person, no 
matter how high might be his rank, was never dis- 
cussed or inquired into. 

"Louis XIV. was born September 16, 1638. His- 
tory tells us that he died at Versailles, September, 1715, 
but that was not a fact. He did not die there, for the 
best reason in the world : he died somewhere else. 
That Louis is dead I do not deny ; but if he ever saw 
Versailles, it was over thirty years prior to his death. 
He was the son of Louis XIII. and Anne of Austria. 
And right here let me make a side remark : His 
mother was married twenty-two years before she had 
any children. She was detested by her husband, who 
shamefully misused her. They lived apart for over 
twenty years, during which interval the king lavished 
his affections, according to the prevailing fashion, on 
innumerable concubines. Finally a temporary recon- 
ciliation was patched up between the king and his hap- 
less queen, and September 16, 1638, a son was born, 
which event caused the useless waste of a large quan- 
tity of gunpowder and tallow-candles, no gas being 
then in use. I beg to say right here that it would be 

34 



398 RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. 

well for you to believe me when I say that the new-born 
prince was not the only boy-baby born about that time. 
Do not for a moment think I mean to suggest twins, 
for no such an idea is in my mind. But there was. an- 
other son born in that neighborhood, near about the 
same time of the birth of the young prince. This child 
was nulius films, but he had a mother nevertheless. 
That mother, although not a queen, possessed infinitely 
more brains than did the wife of the king. She wa? 
one of those Minerva sort of women who don't faint al 
sight of a bug. She was able and willing to nurse her 
own nameless little son, which caused him to wax 
strong and grow apace. Being somewhat disgusted 
with high-sounding names, the strong-minded mother 
concluded to, and did, name her son Trotter. Many 
literary men have contended that Trotter was a nick- 
name given to the child by his classmates at school, 
which name was suggested by his ability to outrun and 
outjump all the boys there; but the best authorities 
admit that Trotter was the name given him by his 
mother. 

I have the 'very best authority .for saying that 
mothers of illegitimate children always hate the law- 
ful offspring of their children's father, and Trotter's 
mother was no exception to that rule. She was ambi- 
tious like Lady Macbeth, and very much resembled 
Shakespeare's description of that estimable woman. 
Her study by day and her dreams by night referred 
principally to unmatured schemes, the ultimate pur- 
port of which was to be the promotion of her hopeful 
son. "When a strong-minded woman concentrates her 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 399 

thoughts on mischief that article is very apt to be 
hatched in abundance. This is a self-evident fact that 
is able to stand alone unsupported by proof, — a fact 
which does not wear an iron mask, as did the mysteri- 
ous prisoner of the Bastile. 

" Trotter's ambitious mother continued to think and 
dream about her plans until she at length succeeded in 
erecting a castle of no insignificant dimensions. 

" 'Why shall my son grovel in poverty and obscurity 
while his half-witted brother wears a crown ? My boy 
is the son of a king, and, though not the son of a queen, 
he is better suited for a king than his puny, idiotic 
brother/ 

"These and a thousand other thoughts of like descrip- 
tion constantly disturbed the brain of Trotter's mother. 
She possessed an ambitious soul associated with an un- 
scrupulous conscience, — the attributes necessary in the 
make-up of a successful schemer. She* belonged to 
that class of women who never do things by halves, 
but who after maturing their plans allow nothing to 
prevent their accomplishment. She watched with a 
delighted eye the rapid development of Trotter's mind, 
which, albeit, was exceedingly satisfactory. Nature, 
having determined to make amends for the injustice 
done by sending him into the world without a name, 
gave him a vigorous constitution, a handsome body, 
and a first-class intellect. The best teachers were em- 
ployed to train his young mind, but they were required 
to do their work at the private residence of the mother, 
who pointed out the lessons to be taught, and who 
usually made the climate too warm for those who dared 



400 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

to disobey her orders. Especial attention was bestowed 
on liis military education, and large sums of money 
were expended in securing teachers of experience in 
Mar. Trotter's belligerent disposition began to develop 
itself a( an early stage of his existence. He could cut 
off a cat's head with his little sword before he was five 
years old, — a feat which he never failed to perform 
when feline victims could be found. He had the 
courage to attack dogs occasionally, as many a poor 
tailless dog could prove merely by making an exhibit of 
his mangled body. He had the temerity to attack a 
certain vagabond-billy-goat one day, when he met with 
such resistance as might have been expected by men of 
experience. It is a fact (which I dare say is not un- 
known to you) that goats have very short tails; in 
truth, it may be safe to assert that none but expert 
swordsmen could cut oil' the tail of a billy-goat without 
endangering that animal's body. Yet Trotter did it 
with a skill and neatness which could not have been 
surpassed by an army surgeon. The wounded goat 
acted as goats usually do under similar circumstances; 
that is to say, he planted his forehead on Trotter's ribs 
with sufficient force to send him to grass at a distance 
of ten hct away. Suffice it to say that a regular battle 
ensued, in which Trotter got considerably worsted. 
His little sword was broken into a dozen fragments; 
his nose was bleeding profusely, his tri-colored coat 
torn into a hundred tatters, his left ear was damaged, 
yel lie did not run ; he fell back calling for his artil- 
lery to come to the front. There is no telling what 
horrible slaughter would have ensued if Trotter's 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 401 

mother had not come with reinforcements. She sent 
Trotter to the hospital and ordered the brave goat to 
be executed on the spot. But Trotter swore that if 
billy was put to death for no other crime than that of 
fighting in self-defence, he would not survive him. 

" 1 1 was the aggressor V cried Trotter ; ' I made the 
first assault, and he merely fought in his own defence V 

" Billy's life was spared. lie and Trotter thereafter 
became the best of friends. It is strange but true that 
men will love and admire each other after they have 
fought and then made friends. They seem to have a 
higher respect for each other after breaking each other's 
heads. 

" But you will probably ask, What has this rigma- 
role to do with the Iron Mask secret? It is the very 
gist of that mystery, which you shall clearly compre- 
hend ere long. The father of Louis XIV. died when 
that individual was only five years old, leaving him in 
possession of a throne which had been disgraced and 
rendered contemptible by a long line of profligate kings. 
Louis XIV. ascended the throne of France by proxy. 
In other words, Cardinal Mazarin, a penurious trick- 
ster, seized the reins of government as prime minister 
under the regency of Anne, the mother of Louis. His- 
tory tells us that this woman had quite a small intellect, 
which in plain English means she was an idiot; how- 
beit, Mazarin managed public affairs just as he pleased, 
the same as if he was the real king. He was an un- 
scrupulous bulk of vanity, a conscienceless hypocrite, 
who treated the young king more like a slave than 
like a lawful sovereign. He kept the lad concealed 

aa 34* 



402 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

from the eyes of the public, brought him up among 
low-bred scullions, and clothed him in rags, while the 
idiotic mother was deceived by the belief that this was 
the necessary discipline to make a warlike king. 

" The power of France has never been at such low 
ebb as it was then. Her treasury was empty ; her laws 
were not enforced ; rebels boldly defied the government ; 
powerful combinations were entered into for the pur- 
pose of enriching the nobility at the expense of the 
people ; the life of the young king was threatened ; 
war existed with Germany and Spain ; indeed, the 
enemies of France were wrangling about a division of 
her territory, while they eagerly watched and waited 
for her dissolution like hungry vultures watch the 
dying steed. The deadliest foe to France could not 
have expected or desired to see her travelling the down- 
ward road at a greater speed than that at which she was 
then going. Matters hurried on from bad to worse 
until the last faint hope of the patriot began to expire, 
when all of a sudden Paris was startled by the news 
that the young king had at the tender age of thirteen 
declared his minority at an end and seized the reins of 
government with his own hands. Now, I state it as a 
fact (which every one versed in history knows to be 
true) that from that day until the death of Louis 
XIV., in 1715, France never had a better king. He 
was justly called Louis the Great. He astonished all 
Europe by the exhibition of qualities not before pos- 
sessed by his supposed ancestors. His career was as 
brilliant as, and in the end more successful than, that of 
Napoleon I. Indeed, the history of one is the history 



RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. 403 

of the other until Napoleon's star began to wane, Avhich 
that of Louis never did. Who was this bright, par- 
ticular star? Was he the same puny son of Anne? 
No. Then, who on earth was he ? I will tell you in 
the next thirty minutes. 

" I hope you will not censure me for beating around 
the bush while I am dissecting the body of the iron- 
mask secret. I have heretofore stated that Mazarin 
kept the young king concealed from the eyes of the 
public, but I neglected to say that he seldom saw the 
lad himself; indeed, it is a fact that he did not see him 
so often as once a year. Trotter's mother resided at a 
charming villa but a short distance from Versailles, 
which had been built for her by the late king, Louis 
XIII. She wielded a powerful influence over him as 
long as he lived. When he died, she at once began to 
arrange her plans for the capture of Mazarin, — a task 
by no means difficult to accomplish. How could it be 
difficult for a pretty woman, possessed of large brain, a 
charming eye, tall, shapely form, a profusion of long 
curly hair, a set of symmetrical limbs, a proud, queenly 
walk, a bust like Diana, a complexion like the rainbow, 
lips like the blushing rose, and teeth whiter than Parian 
marble, to fascinate such a compound of vanity and de- 
ceit as Cardinal Mazarin ? This remarkable woman had 
subdued a king, .holding him as her abject slave until 
death released him from his bondage; howbeit, she 
brought Mazarin down as easy as a hawk brings down 
a sparrow. She was a first-class artist, and from expe- 
rience and study she had made herself mistress of all 
those little fascinating snares that are supposed to be 



404 RAPID RA MB LINGS IN EUROPE. 

the inventions of Cupid. She was in the meridian of 
life, but had cheated time out of at least fifteen years 
by her scientific attainments in the art of dress and the 
preservation of health. At the age of thirty-five she 
looked like a modest maiden of eighteen. 

" It was on the 13th day of May, 1644, that Cardinal 
Mazarin received the following highly-perfumed billet- 
doux written in a neat fine hand on pink-colored paper, 
at the upper edge of which appeared a white silver 
dove in the agonies of death, while a barbed arrow 
was transfixed in its breast : 

" « Villa Francona, May 13, 1644. 
" l If the Lord Cardinal would graciously condescend 
to honor Villa Francona with his august presence this 
evening and sip a cup of tea with his most humble 
friend at eleven o'clock, it would be a favor more 
esteemed than she can find words to express/ 

"The monogram was stamped in pure gold, repre- 
senting a bleeding heart being crushed beneath the foot 
of Cupid. 

" ' Ah ! ha !' exclaimed Mazarin, as he surveyed his 
swarthy complexion in a huge mirror, ' it has come at 
last. You sly old dog you !' then, shaking his clinched 
fist at the aforesaid swarthy countenance, he thus con- 
tinued : ( By Jove, old boy ! though I cannot see it, 
there must be a mysterious attraction about this face 
that women cannot resist. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Well, since 
fortune is resolved to overflow me with her favors, 
why should I resist? In point of fact, I'll not resist. 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 4Q5 

Let her deluge me with her smiles ; let it rain such 
favors on me for forty days and forty nights. I'll 
charter this beautiful ark and defy the flood/ 

" Promptly at eleven o'clock Mazarin's carriage 
halted in front of Villa Francona, and that distin- 
guished individual, arrayed in gorgeous costume, was 
ushered into the presence of the fair siren, who was 
prepared to receive him. An unsuspecting fly never 
walked into a villainous spider-trap with more delib- 
eration than did Mazarin march into the snare set for 
him by this beautiful enchantress. He was conducted 
through innumerable apartments ablaze with mellow 
colored lights, which cast a softening tinge over the 
velvet carpets and the gilded furniture. After a while 
he was led into a cosey little cage of a room at the ex- 
treme rear of the building, where a sight met his eyes 
the like of which he had never seen before. For a 
single moment his pulse ceased to beat, while his heart 
stood still ; then the hot blood rushed to his cheeks, 
changing their swarthy color to a perfect red. A score 
of exquisitely formed fairies seemed to glide noiselessly 
about the room, all smiling sweetly upon him, while a 
ravishing scent of spices prevaded the place. His brain 
grew dizzy while gazing at the dazzling show, but the 
sweet intoxication gradually gave way to a sober self- 
possession that enabled him to realize the fact that 
there was only one fairy in the chamber. It was 
merely the reflection of the gorgeous mirrors with 
which the walls were covered, that had multiplied 
the one beautiful occupant into twenty. 

" l Ah, my Lord Cardinal !' she cried, as she extended 



406 RAPID RAMBLIXGS IN EUROPE. 

two pretty little white hands for him to kiss, at the 
same time smiling so as to show her white teeth ; ' it 
is indeed an honor most precious to have my distin- 
guished friend all to myself under my humble roof/ 

" Mazarin fervently kissed both of those shapely 
hands, and then awkwardly discharged a copious rig- 
marole of passionate nonsense in the shape of flattery. 

" It is not my purpose to weary you with a lengthy 
history of this intriguing woman, but I shall only deal 
with that part of it that is connected with the iron- 
mask secret. It were a tedious tale to tell how day 
after day, week after week, and month after month, 
she continued to weave her web around the shallow- 
brained Mazarin, until he was as completely in her 
power as the feeble mouse in the paws of a cat. 
She took special pains to conceal from him the 
fact that she had a son, because the very foundation 
of her design rested on that important fact. As soon 
as she became convinced that her power over Mazarin 
was complete, she at once began to act with a vigor 
worthy of a better cause. 

" Meantime, Trotter had been educated privately 
under the immediate supervision of his mother. Am- 
bitious sentiments had likewise been abundantly im- 
planted in his mind, but only such as were subservient 
to his mother's wishes. She w r as the oracle whose 
mandates were law to him, and no pagan worshipper 
ever submitted to the commands of his god with such 
complacency as did Trotter to the wishes of his mother. 
With a single exception : She had no conscience, and 
Trotter had. He swore that he would not budge an 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 407 

inch on the road marked out for him if innocent blood 
had to be shed. I beg you to remember that I assert 
it to be a fact; but for that noble sentiment implanted 
in Trotter's bosom by nature, we should never have 
heard of the Iron Mask. 

"It is by no means a strange thing to find two boys 
who very much resemble each other in personal ap- 
pearance, especially when we recognize the fact that they 
are the sons of the same father, as were Trotter and 
Louis. Howbeit, those two lads were so much like one 
another that nothing but a close inspection could enable 
one to tell which was Trotter and which was Louis. 
While their forms and their features were the exact 
counterpart of each other, their intellects and their dis- 
positions were antipodal. Louis was meek, servile, 
puny, ignorant, and conscientious ; Trotter was bold, 
aggressive, ambitious, and brainy. If the two youths 
had been placed side by side, any one could have easily 
discovered a material difference in their personal ap- 
pearance, but no man ever saw them together. In fact, 
Louis did not know that he had a bastard brother, and 
it was only from the lips of the mother that Trotter 
received a description of Louis. Time had buckled the 
weight of twelve summers and a like number of winters 
on the backs of the two lads when an interview was 
had between Mazarin and Trotter's mother, which I 
am now about to describe. How often has the fate of 
kings, emperors, and nations been discussed, settled, and 
for ever sealed by midnight intrigues such as the one I 
am now on the eve of disclosing. A violent storm of 
northern wind howled and shrieked round the sturdy 



408 RAPID RA MB LINOS IN EUROPE. 

walls of Villa Francona, while a flood of cold rain 
rattled on the roof. The warring elements without 
presented a wide contrast to the charming picture to be 
seen within. A dim, mellow light cast its soft rays on 
the reclining form of Mazarin, who sipped his wine from 
a glass presented to him by the hand of a woman whose 
rosy cheeks were glowing with feverish excitement. The 
cardinal's brain was reeling with intoxication, while his 
blood was boiling with rising passion ; every nerve in 
his trembling body was under its influence. 

" i Speak out, rny pretty queen !' he cried, as he 
pressed his lips to her hand. ' Don't be afraid of 
thy slave, my charming fairy ; it is my business to 
obey thy commands. Wouldst have wealth? But 
intimate thy wish, and 'the French treasury shall be 
open to thee. Wouldst have diamonds ? But speak, 
and a mine of sparkling gems shall be thine. Hast 
thou enemies? But speak, and they are dead. Hast 
friends ? Na-me them, and I'll chain them to thee 
w r ith links of solid gold. Wouldst make me happy? 
Demand things that are difficult to secure, so I may in 
procuring them prove the sincerity of my devotion/ 

"'My dear and most noble Lord Cardinal, let it 
please thee to know that thine unworthy handmaiden 
is only too happy to be permitted to bask in the sun- 
light of thy favor/ exclaimed the fair enchantress, as 
she seized and kissed the long, bony hand of Mazarin. 
'I crave no reward above thy love, I want no wealth, — 
no diamonds. I have no friends to reward or enemies 
to punish ; indeed, it is bliss enough to be thy slave/ 

" ' Slave, sayest thou ? By Jove ! were I a king, 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 409 

thou should be my honored queen. Talk not to me of 
slaves and handmaidens. Thou art my souPs idol, my 
bright shining star, my sweet pretty charmer, my femi- 
nine general and chief commander. I am thy servant, 
thy bondsman, thine obedient slave ; issue thy orders, 
and I will obey.' 

" i Good, my lord, since it pleaseth thee to stand my 
friend, it doth embolden me to solicit one small favor 
at thy hands/ 

" l I'll not grant thee small favors ; I would rather 
bestow magnificent gifts. Shape thy commands so as 
to trouble me greatly ; give me work of vast import to 
do for thee/ 

" ' Then, my most honored lord, will I ask thee to 
conceal the young king in my villa until the impend- 
ing storm shall have passed away. It is exceedingly 
unsafe for him to be seen in Paris now ; indeed, it is 
even unsafe to let his place of concealment be known. 
Rebels are boldly defying the law, clamoring for the 
blood of his royal highness/ 

" { Thou couldst not have made a request easier for 
me to grant ; in fact, you have taken a load off of my 
shoulders. Prepare apartments for the king ; he shall 
be here at midnight/ 

" ' My lord, this must be kept a profound secret, and 
hence I would suggest the propriety of discharging his 
attendants/ 

"'Halha! ha ! Attendants didst say ? That boy 

does not know the meaning of the word. He has been 

taught to serve himself. But enough of this, my sweet 

enchantress ; what other commands have you to issue V 

s 35 



410 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

" i None, my lord, since it pleaseth thee to honor my 
humble house with the presence of the king and thyself.' 

" ' I have not seen the king in six months ; indeed, 
I dare say I should not recognize him were I to meet 
him in the street.' 

" I have told enough of this conversation to give 
you a glimpse of the plot, and will not encumber the 
narrative with its details. The king was conveyed to 
Villa Francona at the hour of midnight, where neces- 
sary accommodations were prepared for his reception. 
No one saw him enter there except a single individual 
whose name shall hereafter be mentioned. That indi- 
vidual was the friend and agent of this female plotter; 
he was working for his reward. 

" Six months after the king had been concealed at 
"Villa Francona, Trotter begins to play an important 
part on the stage. He had been well taught as to the 
role he was expected to act, taught by one who had the 
capacity to impress her lessons on his susceptible mind, 
and right well, indeed, did he act his part. 

" ' To-morrow night, my son,' said the ambitious 
mother, 'you are to play the role of a king before the 
Lord Mazarin. It would be well for you to remember 
that he has not seen the king for twelve months ; hence 
he will not be apt to ask awkward questions. Can you 
go through this dangerous ordeal, my son?' 

" i Trust me for that, my mother ; I am a king, and 
will act a king to perfection. I have stolen the very 
voice of Louis : I have studied his habits, his gait, his 
manners, his disposition ; indeed, I have swapped per- 
sons with him, and will soon swap places too.' 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 41 1 

" ' Enough, my son. You may go now j I am sat- 
isfied. ' 

"According to previous appointment, Mazarin made 
his appearance at the villa at ten o'clock p.m., and when 
sufficiently under the influence of wine to drown his 
wit, the enchantress proposed to let him see the young 
king. 

" ' To please thee, my pretty charmer/ muttered the 
cardinal, ' I'll interview his Majesty here.' 

" But a moment had elapsed when Trotter, all be- 
decked in royal robes, was ushered into the presence of 
Mazarin. 

" ' Ha, my royal master !' exclaimed the cardinal, as 
he knelt and kissed the boy's hand; 'methinks that 
thou hast changed greatly in thy complexion as well as 
thy person since last we met.' 

"Smiling blandly and bowing low, Trotter thus 
replied : 

" l It hath pleased God to grant us better health, my 
noble lord, which, as thou knowest, will fix the tinge 
of the rose on the cheek, and increase the strength of 
the body. We do indeed most devoutly pray for a 
continuation of this great blessing. But enough on 
this subject, my lord. May I ask how run the affairs 
of state?' 

" Then the cardinal expatiated extensively on politics, 
not at all suspecting the trick that was being played 
upon him. 

" No sooner had Mazarin took his leave than Trotter 
was pressed to his mother's bosom. 

" ' Thou art king of France !' she exclaimed, as she 



412 RAPID RAMBLING S IN EUROPE. 

again embraced hira. ( Our plan has succeeded, and I 
am the mother of a king.' 

" * Mother/ exclaimed Trotter, ' remember thy prom- 
ise, no blood shall be shed. I would rather be a street- 
beggar than to shed innocent blood/ 

" ' Be it so, my son ; thy wish shall be the law.' 

" "Where was the real king while Trotter was person- 
ating him before the prime minister ? In a dungeon 
on the island of St. Marguerite, wearing an iron mask 
which had been invented by an intriguing woman. St. 
Mars was in the plot, and the only person that knew 
anything about it at the time except Trotter, his mother, 
and my grandmother. 

" I have heretofore stated that all France was startled 
by the proclamation of the king declaring himself no 
longer a minor and taking the reins of government in 
his own hands. This was the first bold step made by 
Trotter, suggested, no doubt, by his fearless mother. 
Any one who is familiar with the history of France at 
that time knows that a radical change took place in 
public affairs. The young king (I will speak of Trot- 
ter hereafter as the king) at once set out at the head of 
his army to invade Germany. In a very short while 
he conquered Spain and Germany, humbled the pope, 
forcing him to banish his own brother, replenished the 
treasury, and crushed out all opposition at home. 
Never in the history of France can be found such a 
sudden change as the one wrought by this young king. 
It was the work of an ambitious, intriguing woman 
who possessed the brains and the will. She was the 
power behind the throne. Mazarin was kind enough 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 413 

to die when she no longer needed him. I did not learn 
the nature of his complaint, but I dare say the enchant- 
ress knew all about it. 

" History tells us that as soon as Mazarin's funeral 
was finished, nobles called on the king to know to 
w r hom they should thereafter address business commu- 
nications ; in other words, they wished to get the name 
of Mazarines successor. 

" ' Address all business communications to me/ re- 
plied the king ; ' I will play the role of a king a while 
myself/ 

" And sure enough he did play the king in a manner 
unequalled, and it is safe to say that no king has since 
occupied the throne of France that was his equal. 
Well, indeed, did he earn the title of Louis the Great. 

" I have said that the king did not die at Versailles, 
because he died somewhere else. Trotter died at Ver- 
sailles in 1715, and the king died in the Bastile in 
1703, after having worn the iron mask for fifty-two 
years. 

" When Trotter seized the reins of government, and 
took up his residence at the palace, a certain no-tailed 
billy-goat made his headquarters there too, — a circum- 
stance that gave rise to many suspicions of foul play. 
Many were the comments made regarding the great 
friendship that existed between the goat and the king. 
Wherever the king went the goat was sure to go, and 
many were the victims that billy lifted out of their 
boots with the front of his head. It was charged that 
the king and billy slept together, but that statement 
lacks confirmation. It was a fact, though, that the 

35* 



414 RAPID RA MB LINGS IN EUROPE. 

goat accompanied the king while lie was invading Ger- 
many. The belligerent qualities of that remarkable 
animal had an inspiring effect on the soldiers, and it 
was universally beloved by them. 

" Quite a sensation was produced one morning when 
certain significant lines were found posted on the gate- 
post in front of the king's palace. It was noticed that 
the king grew deathly pale when the paper was handed 
to him. He flew into a towering passion and offered a 
thousand francs reward for the detection of the writer, 
declaring that the villain's head should come off as soon 
as he was caught. My grandfather procured a copy 
of the offensive lines, which I will now produce. Here 
they are : 

" ' Eumor has set a tale afloat 
That the king is a hilly-goat. 
Come, tell me truly, if you can, 
Is the king a goat or a man ? 
If a man, where is the plotter 
That could make a king of Trotter ? 
I am sure 'tis no common thing 
Of a peasant to make a king ; 
It has "been done in Trotter's ca?e : 
A bastard reigns in Louis' place. 
Hell is hot, but make it hotter ; 
Roast the bastard soul of Trotter. 
If billy-goat is not a ghost, 
Trotter, the bastard, rules the roast.' 

"You will readily conclude, after reading those sig- 
nificant lines, that the king's secret was known by 
others. The fact is, it was well understood by my 
grandmother and perhaps other members of Mademoi- 
selle Montfort's household, but they had the good sense 



I 







CHITTENDKK. 



1- 



RAPID RAMBLING S IN EUROPE. 41 5 

to preserve their heads by remaining silent. I verily 
believe many other people strongly suspected that the 
real king was the wearer of the iron mask, but they 
were afraid to give publicity to their opinions. France 
was so astounded by the unparalleled boldness of the 
young king's proclamation declaring his minority at an 
end, so dazzled by his brilliant victories in Germany, 
so charmed by the superior statesmanship exhibited by 
him, that she could not be induced to listen to any 
statement that was detrimental to his interest. Such 
an ovation as was tendered to him on his return from 
Germany was never witnessed in Paris before. If any 
one had dared to intimate that the real king wore the 
iron mask, and his bastard brother the crown, his head 
would have instantly rolled in the dust. 

" Now, sir, I have done ; you have my story. It is 
true that the king wore the iron mask for fifty-two 
years, and died in the Bastile in 1703. It seems as if 
Providence approved the change, because we very well 
know that France was more prosperous under this 
spurious king than at any other time." 

Now I have made my promise good by unearthing 
this Iron Mask secret. If any one will be so incredu- 
lous as to doubt this truthful story, I can only pray 
heaven to have mercy on his unbelieving soul. I dare 
say such a man would be inclined to dispute Robinson 
Crusoe and the Iliad. There are people in the world so 
bigoted and stubborn that they won't believe anything 
unless it rests on a foundation of some sort. I have my 
opinion of such people, and am not afraid to express it 
either, though I have not got the time to do it just now. 



416 RAPID RAMBL1NGS IN EUROPE. 



CHAPTER XXXII. 

Paris, August 13. 

Prominent among the curiosities of the French 
metropolis is Pere la Chaise, a cemetery where most of 
the celebrated men and women of France are buried. 
I mean the dead celebrities, of course, because there 
are a few yet living whose names are no strangers to 
fame. Victor Hugo is not dead. 

This magnificent city of the dead covers an area of 
two hundred and twelve acres of ground most beauti- 
fully adorned with massive trees, whose broad, thick 
foliage gives to it a charming rural scene, while many 
miles of gravelled roads and paths meander about in 
every direction, bordered with blooming flowers and 
green creeping vines. In Pere la Chaise there are as 
many as sixteen hundred gorgeous stone and marble 
monuments, costing something over twenty millions of 
dollars. How strange it is that so much money should 
be expended where it can do no good to either the 
living or the dead, when thousands of poor people are 
suffering for food and raiment on every hand. If cre- 
mation would become fashionable, it would be much 
better. 

In the Jewish part of the grounds may be seen the 
most remarkable monument that is to be found in the 
cemetery. It marks the spot where sleeps the remains 
of Mademoiselle Rachel. A short distance beyond this 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 417 

tomb we came to the spot where Abelard and Heloise 
lie side by side. This is the spot where sentimental 
nonsense usually culminates and falls in the shape of 
tears on the grave of those unfortunate lovers. The 
names of Abelard and Heloise have furnished the 
theme of song for many an amateur poet and material 
for many a silly novel, most of which might justly be 
pronounced froth. Thousands of lovesick maidens and 
sentimental swains make annual pilgrimages to those 
graves, covering them with flowers and watering them 
with passionate tears. Novelists and poets have man- 
aged to work up for Abelard and Heloise a boom that 
would make Baron Munchausen blush. Who and 
what was Abelard ? He was a hypocrite, a villain, and 
a seducer. Pretty strong language, you think; but it 
is the truth, nevertheless. At the mature age of forty, 
when men of virtue and integrity are supposed to be 
able to subdue and control their evil passions, he se- 
duced Heloise, a beautiful maiden of eighteen, whom 
he had been employed to teach by her confiding uncle. 
He not only proved himself a villain and a hypocrite, 
but he added treason to his catalogue of crimes by be- 
traying the sacred trust reposed in him by a faithful 
friend. The perpetrator of such crimes in these days 
most usually meets with a bullet coming from the pistol 
of an avenging relative, which puts a quietus on his 
career. Philip Barton Key debauched the wife of 
Daniel Sickles. She was a middle-aged woman, well 
educated, surrounded by the protecting influences of a 
husband's devotion, yet a jury of sensible men justified 
Sickles in taking the life of the seducer. This occurred 
bb 



418 RAPID RAMB LINGS IN EUROPE. 

at the capital of a great nation, and, so far as heard 
from, that verdict has not been condemned. Compare 
the crime of Key with that committed by Abelard and 
see how they stand. Heloise was a young, inexperi- 
enced maiden placed under the care and protection of 
Abelard, whose duty it was to teach her the precepts 
of knowledge and virtue. There is a redeeming fea- 
ture in the case of the highwayman who with cocked 
pistol boldly demands the purse of his victim, because 
there is no false pretence, there is no hypocrisy, no trea- 
son, no betrayal of a confidence reposed. It is a bold 
defiance of law, a risky chance where no deception is 
used. But as a sneaking thief or plotting traitor Abel- 
ard, disregarding all principles of honor, betraying the 
confidence of a bosom friend, and violating the laws 
of the religion he pretended to preach, did, like a savage 
wolf, destroy an innocent lamb whom it was his duty 
to protect. This is the simple truth, and nothing but 
the truth ; therefore I am justified in asserting that the 
poetical songs and the gushing romances written about 
Abelard are nothing but sentimental nonsense. The 
friends of Heloise did not kill Abelard, as they ought 
to have done, but they physically disqualified him for 
a repetition of his crime. That he was a man of learn- 
ing I admit ; that he was far in advance of the age in 
which he lived I do not deny ; that he did much good 
is very true ; but the knowledge he possessed and the 
experience he had gained only proves that in betraying 
the innocent maiden intrusted to his care he played the 
infamous traitor without a single extenuating circum- 
stance. His conduct drove Heloise into a nunnery, 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 419 

where her sorroAV became her constant companion, while 
her devotion to the cause of Christ won for her the 
love and the esteem of all good people. I would fain 
believe that those who strew flowers on the graves and 
bedew them with tears do not intend to honor the 
memory of the traitor, but that they are paying the 
tribute of affection to his lovely victim. 

Abelard died in 1142, and was first buried at St. 
Marcel. His body had reposed there but a short 
while when Heloise removed it to the Paraclete, an 
abbey of which she was abbess, and at her death her 
remains were interred by the side of her betrayer. 
In the year 1792 their bones were disinterred and 
carried before a grand procession of the inhabitants 
to the parish church at Nugent-sur-Sein, where they 
were reinterred. In the year 1800 the bones were 
again resurrected and followed by a grand procession 
to the Mus6e des Monuments. In 1817 they were 
again taken up and moved to their present resting- 
place, where I hope they will be allowed to lie undis- 
turbed until the crack of doom. 

I tried my very best to work my feelings up to the 
melting mood, so as to drop a few tears on the grave 
of Heloise. But when I had, with considerable incon- 
venience, succeeded in producing a few tears, I found 
that I could not moisten the grave of Heloise with 
them without letting them fall on Abelard's tomb too, 
for they are both buried in the same grave. Lest he 
might think I was weeping for him, I caught the tears 
in my handkerchief and carried them to the grave of 
Marshal Ney. 



420 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

"We met with considerable difficulty in finding the 
tomb of Xey. When I requested our guide to con- 
duct us to it, he looked bewildered and began to gaze 
at the sky, as if he thought it might be up there. 

" Was Xey a politician or an author?" he meekly 
inquired. 

" He was the inventor of the Bell telephone," said 
Dick, as he gave me a knowing wink with his left 
eye; "he was buried here six months ago." 

The guide scratched his head, wiped his brow with 
a cheap handkerchief, coughed spasmodically, sighed 
heavily, and looked worse bewildered than ever. 

" We are wasting time following that old idiot," im- 
patiently exclaimed Miss Stevenson, as she approached 
one of the laborers and inquired the way to Ney's 
tomb. 

That individual said, " Well," and pointed north ; 
then he said, " See," and pointed south ; then with a 
sickly smile shook his head, muttered half a dozen 
unintelligible words, and resumed his work. 

I had set my mind on shedding a few tears over the 
grave of the renowned hero ; consequently I began to 
hunt for some one who could show me the spot. 

" Marshal Ney ?" said I to the first man I met. 

" You are mistaken, sir," replied the man in plain 
English. "My name is Jones, — Zebidee Jones, of 
Massachusetts/' 

" Can you tell me where to find the grave of Mar- 
shal Ney?" I politely inquired. 

"Don't know any such a man, sir," was his dry 
answer, as he quickly walked away. 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 421 

Determined not to be defeated in my design, I 
inquired of every man I met for the grave of Marshal 
Ney. After having accosted a dozen men, I espied a 
blind boy sitting on the edge of a path caressing a 
large Newfoundland dog. Slipping a half-franc into 
his hand, I asked him if he knew where Marshal 
Ney's grave was, having not the remotest idea of 
being answered in the affirmative. The truth is, I 
propounded the question more in jest than in earnest, 
addressing the dog as much as the boy. To my aston- 
ishment, the blind boy suddenly sprang to his feet, 
said, "Well," and pointed north, at the same time 
starting in that direction. After traversing several 
winding roads that led up a rugged ascent, we came 
to a level spot surrounded by an iron fence which was 
completely covered with dark-green ivy- vines. The 
lad went to the east side, stooped down, ran his hand 
under the lower rail, pushed away the thick-clustering 
vines, and said, " See." He was pointing at the name 
" Ney," deepley carved in a large smooth stone slab 
that served as a foundation for the fence. 

I was glad to see that no costly monument marked 
the resting-place of this famous hero, because no sculp- 
tured marble is necessary to perpetuate his name. The 
names of the little harlequins who condemned him to 
death are already buried deep in the bosom of obliv- 
ion, but as long as courage and true greatness shall 
continue to excite the admiration of mankind, so long 
will the name of Marshal Ney live in their memory. 
I was told by an old soldier at the Hotel des Invalides, 
who seemed to know what he was talking about, that 

36 



422 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

it was the dying request of Marshal Xey that no 
monument should mark the spot where he was buried. 

" A million of francs," exclaimed the old veteran, 
as he straightened his tall form to its full height, 
"could be raised in ten hours to erect a monument 
over that hero's grave, and you may be sure it would 
be done but for his request to the contrary. Why, 
sir, I tell you what's a fact," he continued, with vehe- 
mence ; " the visitors from all parts of the world have 
offered to contribute money to pay for a monument. 
Indeed, a party of Americans did on one occasion con- 
tract for a costly marble column thirty feet high, to be 
exquisitely wrought and erected over the grave, but 
they were forced to abandon the project for the reason 
already stated. There are ten times more visitors to 
Marshal Ney's grave than any other in Pere la Chaise. 
There is a little blind boy who makes a great deal of 
money by pointing it out to visitors. Very few people 
ever enter that cemetery without seeing Ney's grave." 

The longer the old soldier talked, the more he 
became excited. 

" I tell you the truth, sir," he continued, while his 
little black eyes sparkled with animation ; " Marshal 
Ney was Napoleon's right-hand man, — his right bower, 
as it were ; he was a trump which the emperor always 
played at his adversary when the game of war was 
close. He trumped the enemy's highest card with 
Ney at the battles of Borodino, Austerlitz, Jena, 
Zurich, Hohenlinden, and a hundred other bloody 
fields. He had tramped Wellington's best card at 
Waterloo, and had fairly won the game, but was 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 423 

cheated out of it by Prince Bliicher, who raised a 
cold deck on him after his last trump had been 
played." 

From the phrases used by him in describing the 
game of war, I inferred that the old soldier was fond 
of a game of euchre. 

After the downfall of Napoleon, Louis XVIII. as- 
cended the throne, and at once ordered a court-martial 
to be convened to try Ney. The court was composed 
of Marshals Moncey, Augereau, Massena, and Jourdan, 
who had been Ney's comrades-in-arms ; they peremp- 
torily refused to sit in judgment against their brave 
brother-soldier. The king then sent the case before the 
Court of Peers, which was composed of perfumed 
dandies and sleek-haired politicians, — bitter enemies 
of Marshal Ney. As a matter of course, he was pro- 
nounced guilty, and condemned to death. On the 
morning of December 7, 1815, after bidding adieu to 
his wife and children, he was marched out to Luxem- 
bourg Garden. As he drew his body proudly up be- 
fore his executioners he placed his hand over his heart, 
and cried in a firm, commanding voice, — 

"Vive la France! Fellow-soldiers, aim here!" 

A quick, sharp report rent the air, a column of blue 
smoke suddenly rose above the soldiers' heads, and the 
life-blood streamed from the heart of the " bravest of 
the brave." A magnificent bronze statue has been 
erected over the spot where Ney was executed. 

From Pere la Chaise we went to the cemetery of 
St. Ouen, the place where poor people can secure a five- 
year lease on two by six feet of ground without money. 



424 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

A long ditch six feet wide and ten feet deep is dug, in 
which are buried fifty coffins at a time. They are 
packed away like sardines in a box. The first row is 
laid on the bottom of the ditch ; another row is then 
placed on top of the first, and then a third row is placed 
on top of the second, all of which is covered with dirt. 
At the expiration of the five-year lease the bones have 
to vacate the premises to make room for new tenants. 
For fifty francs, however, a ten-year lease may be pur- 
chased, but under no circumstances can a longer lease 
be had. If I have to die, — which the present light 
before me induce me to believe I will, — I hope to 
close my career where land is more plentiful than at 
Paris. I would like to have a fee-simple title to the 
ground where I am to be buried, as it might be incon- 
venient for me to move out after getting attached to the 
place. 

A visit to the Hotel des Invalides, in which is situ- 
ated the magnificent tomb of Napoleon, will amply re- 
pay the tourist for his trouble. The building covers an 
area of about eight acres of ground, and is constructed 
of solid stone, with a spacious court in the centre, 
where the old soldiers usually congregate in fine 
weather and fight their battles over and over again by 
word of mouth. A large chapel contains one hundred 
and fifty of the old battle-stained flags which Napoleon 
captured from the enemies of France. A large number 
of disabled old soldiers are cared for and supported in 
this institution. The house containing Napoleon's 
tomb is constructed in a circular shape, with a spacious 
round court in the centre, with a marble floor. In the 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 425 

middle of this floor stands the gorgeous tomb in which 
repose the remains of the emperor. 

We visited the Arc de Triomphe, and after a fa- 
tiguing climb reached the top, from whence we beheld 
one of the grandest sights to be seen in the city. This 
wonderful structure is one hundred and sixty-one feet 
high and one hundred and forty-five wide, and, as it 
stands on a summit of considerable eminence, one can, 
from the top of it, have a complete view of every part of 
the great city. As far as the eye could see, a charming 
panorama of exquisite scenery lies below, bathed in a 
sea of golden light. The tortuous course of the Seine, 
which winds and twists along among innumerable um- 
brageous trees, flower-gardens, and marble palaces, can 
be distinctly traced for a distance of twenty miles with- 
out the aid of a field-glass. Vast masses of moving 
humanity, looking like myriads of crawling insects, 
may be seen in every direction. The Arc de Triomphe 
stands immediately in front of the end of the Champs 
Elysees, while the palace of the Tuileries is at the 
other end. Standing on top of the Arc de Triomphe, 
and looking down this broad, beautiful avenue, one 
sees a scene of picturesque enchantment surpassing any- 
thing in the power of language to describe. 

The Champs filysees is a street about one hundred 
and fifty feet wide, one and a quarter miles in length, 
paved with Nicholson pavement, bordered on each side 
with two rows of pretty green trees, the bodies all of 
uniform size, with tops trimmed so as to be exactly like 
one another. A footway about fifty feet wide runs on 
each side of the street, being bordered with trees similar 

36* 



426 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

to those on the brink of the main road. The spaces 
between the footway and the street are covered with 
immense flower-beds, filled with vast quantities of the 
most beautiful exotics, whose fragrance impregnates the 
whole atmosphere with a delightful odor. Innumer- 
able little shady parks, filled with cosey seats, may be 
seen on both sides of this gay road, where, in good 
weather, thousands of men, women, and children as- 
semble to enjoy the lovely scenery. Open-air concerts, 
legerdemain shows, Punch and Judy exhibitions, and a 
dozen other different amusements, such as please and 
amuse children, are continually in operation here. Be- 
tween six and tw T elve o'clock of evenings, when the 
weather is favorable, the Champs £lysees is thronged 
with gorgeous vehicles of every imaginable description, 
from a four-horse carriage down to the dog-cart, filled 
with people of every caste and condition, who dash 
over the smooth road at a break-neck speed. 

It is the illusions of travel that charm the tourist. 
Everything wears a holiday appearance, everybody 
seems to be happy, everything looks delightful. The 
traveller very seldom sees the dark side of a picture. 
He sees not the thousands of miserable creatures who 
languish and die in the dark, filthy dens, nor does he 
realize the fact that while he gazes with delight on the 
gay pageant that parades the streets, hundreds and 
thousands of wretched human beings are slowly dying 
of starvation. If one would like to view both sides 
of the picture, let him spend an hour on the Champs 
IClysees on a fine afternoon, and then make his way to 
the morgue, as I did a few days ago. If that does not 



RAPID RAMBLING S IN EUROPE. 427 

give him a true view of both extremes of human life 
and death, let him visit the paupers' burial-ground and 
see the bodies packed away in a ditch by fifties and 
hundreds. 



CHAPTER XXXIII. 

Paris, August 14. 

Last Wednesday our entire party visited the 
morgue. The superintendent informed us that for the 
last three days business had been rather dull, but said 
he would very cheerfully show what he had on hand. 
The exhibition consisted of only three corpses which 
had been fished out of the Seine that morning. There 
was nothing remarkable about the features of the three 
dead men, except the indelible marks of dissipation 
plainly stamped upon them. Two had evidently been 
murdered, as the innumerable cuts and bruises on their 
faces plainly showed. The other body had no signs of 
violence upon it ; hence no one knew, and apparently 
no one cared to know, whether he had committed sui- 
cide or been accidentally drowned. The ladies of our 
party were impatient and anxious to hurry away from 
this sorrowful exhibition, and you may be sure it did 
not require much urging to induce the rest to follow. 

We spent the remainder of the day very pleasantly 
in the Louvre, but next morning, while taking an early 
ride with a friend, we passed near the morgue, when 
he suggested the idea of looking in to see what material 



428 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

was on exhibition. As our carriage stopped in front of 
the house I noticed that the eager crowd that struggled 
and jostled near the windows was much larger than 
usual. 

" I guess something interesting must have hap- 
pened/'" observed my companion, as he pressed through 
the crowd, slowly making his way toward the windows. 

To tell the truth, I scarcely heeded his remark, sup- 
posing, as I did, that the same idle curiosity that 
brought me there had induced all others to come ; but 
that idea was of short duration. My scant stock of 
patience was wellnigh exhausted when I requested my 
companion to get in the carriage, threatening to leave 
him if he refused. 

" It's the saddest sight I ever beheld," said he, as he 
advanced toward me. 

" What's the matter?" I carelessly inquired. 

" The prettiest corpse that any mortal ever saw," he 
answered ; " the sweetest face, the most exquisite form, 
the most angelic expression of countenance. Go and 
see for yourself," he continued, as he pointed toward 
the window. " Don't talk to me about leaving here 
now ; I'll pitch my tent and camp until I hear the 
whole history of this affair." 

His vehemence served to rouse my curiosity ; conse- 
quently I began to press through the vast throng of 
humanity that blocked up the space in front of the 
building. After much squeezing and pushing I man- 
aged to reach a position where I could look through 
the window. That which I saw would require more 
eloquence to describe than I am able to command. It 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 429 

was the lifeless body of a young girl, apparently not 
above eighteen years of age. The corpse was clad in a 
neat-fitting black silk dress, the skirt being flounced 
and trimmed with dark-colored velvet fringe, while 
snow-white cuffs and collar adorned the wrists and 
neck. A beautiful ring with a small diamond set 
sparkled on one of the fingers of the left hand. Her 
bright blond hair fell in dishevelled profusion about 
her white neck and shoulders. I noticed that it was 
very long and much inclined to curl, though it was 
uncombed and badly tangled. The body rested on a 
broad slab covered with a white linen cloth, the head 
being raised two or three feet higher than the foot, so 
that parties from the outside might be able to get a 
good view of the corpse. It is the custom to preserve 
the bodies of the dead as long as possible, in order to 
afford relatives and friends an opportunity to identify 
them. If, after a certain length of time, which is fixed 
by law, no one comes to claim the body, it is buried as 
a pauper. The building is so constructed as to enable 
persons to view the bodies through several large open 
windows, which have no glass, but are protected by 
small iron rods that are fastened to the sill. 

" Did t you ever see such a sad sight ?" inquired my 
companion, who had again come to the window. " Did 
you ever behold such a charming face ? Look at those 
little white hands, will you, and that broad intelligent 
brow. I never gazed on such perfection before. Take 
my word for it, there is a tragedy here ; a history is 
plainly written on that face. I'll sift this mystery at 
all hazards. Poor girl ! she has been murdered by 



430 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

some execrable villain. Hush ! don't talk to me about 
breakfast. I'll not leave this place until I learn more 
of this business." 

I admit that my curiosity was wrought up to the 
highest pitch, but it has long been a custom with me 
to eat breakfast every morning, and I had as yet seen 
nothing to justify me in foregoing that pleasure on this 
occasion ; consequently I ordered the hackman to de- 
liver me at my hotel, promising to rejoin my friend as 
soon as my appetite was appeased. He said he would 
pick up all the information he could regarding the de- 
ceased, and impart it to me when I returned. It was 
self-evident to my mind that I would not have the 
pleasure of his company any more until this mystery 
should be cleared up. He was an American, named 
Frederick Markman, and had resided in Paris four 
years, working at starvation wages as a news-hunter 
for a third-rate paper. 

Scarcely an hour had elapsed after I started to break- 
fast when I returned to the morgue and eagerly in- 
quired if he had gathered any news worth telling. 

" Well, I should say I had," was his pompous reply, 
as he at once assumed a mysterious air. "Suicide un- 
questionably," he muttered, as he looked at his note- 
book. "Old story; faithless lover ; his picture found 
in her bosom. Deceased named Jennie, betrayer named 
Louis. Don't know the name of parents. Body fished 
out of Seine this morning; only been in water ten 
hours. Letter found in her pocket from faithless lover, 
bidding her final adieu. More mystery behind curtain ; 
will undermine whole shebang if it takes all summer." 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 431 

"Did you see the letter?" I ventured to inquire. 

"See it? Ding it, I have got a copy of it." 

The manner in which he spoke was of such emphatic 
nature as to convince me that he did not wish to be 
questioned further just then. After scribbling in his 
note-book five minutes, he hurriedly tore a leaf out, 
handed it to a little one-eyed newsboy, and whispered, 
" Run like lightning and I'll give you another franc." 

He watched the rapid-running lad until he disap- 
peared around the street-corner, then snapping the fin- 
ger and thumb of his right hand, making a sound like 
the sharp crack of a whip, carelessly observed that he 
would bet two to one that the Excavator would get out 
the first extra containing a copy of the letter. 

" Beg pardon," he continued, as he grasped my hand 
and gave it a cordial shake. " You shall see the letter, 
but. wait a moment ; I think a cup of hot coffee would 
not damage my nerves just now. Come with me to 
yon restaurant, where we can discuss the matter at 
leisure. Confound that big-nosed idiot !" 

The individual indicated by this remark had been 
looking over Fred's shoulder while he was writing the 
despatch to the Excavator. 

" That scamp," muttered my companion, " has been 
trying to steal my thunder, but I'm too sharp for that 
sort of a sucker-fish. He can't read English, and I 
did not forget that important fact while I was jotting 
down discoveries. He works for the Extender, — never 
finds out anything until the Excavator publishes it, un- 
less he can steal it from a brother-member." 

We entered the front room of the restaurant, where 



432 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

a dumpy brunette clad in light-colored calico, snow- 
white apron, and ruffled cap began to rub her hands 
and smile sweetly as she advanced to Fred, courtesied 
very low, and asked in what way she could serve us. 

" Coffee for two, broiled mutton-chop for one, fried 
potatoes and hot rolls for one, as quick as possible." 

The little brunette glided like a fairy toward a room 
from which the delicious odor of coffee and broiled 
chops soon began to emerge. 

"Now," said my companion, pointing to a chair, 
" take that seat, and I'll take this one." 

The chairs were near a little table covered with a 
clean, shining, white linen cloth, on which sat a bright 
silver castor ; four silver spoons glittered by the side 
of the castor. 

" Here is a copy of the letter," exclaimed Markman, 
as he threw his note-book on the table, " read for your- 
self." 

The copy was written in French, in stenographic 
style, which of course was all Greek to me. 

"I cannot read it," said I, as I shoved the book 
across the table. 

" Very well, I'll read while you copy it," he replied, 
as he produced pencil and paper. 

I wrote it down as he read it, and here it is : 

"Versailles, August 10, 1883. 
"My dear Jennie: You will no doubt be sur- 
prised that I should address you as l my dear Jennie.' 
You are dear to me now; you have ever been and 
always will be dear to me, notwithstanding what has 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 433 

occurred. It is not my wish to add a single pang to 
the anguish you must already feel. I will not distress 
you with censure, or upbraid you for the course you 
pursued ; I can only tell you that you have forever de- 
stroyed all my bright hopes of happiness. My dream 
of bliss is dissolved, and my constant companions will 
hereafter be my thoughts of despair and death. Oh ! 
how fondly have I loved thee, Jennie ! How I have 
looked forward with impatience for the arrival of the 
happy day that was to make thee mine ! I never can, 
nor never will, trust another woman since Jennie has 
proven dishonest. Forty hundred thousand witnesses 
could not have shaken my confidence in you if you had 
not confessed your guilt. I know it was not poverty 
that drove you to the commission of such a crime ; con- 
sequently, I am driven to the conclusion that it was the 
unfortunate passion for display that has found lodg- 
ment in your heart. I herewith return your letters and 
picture, and request you to send mine by return post. 
You may keep the ring or throw it in the river as you 
choose, as I do not wish to see it any more. I have 
resigned my office in the army and will sail for America 
Monday week, as I am anxious to leave a country in 
which all my fond hopes have been crushed. Would 
that I could find a country where the face of a woman 
never appeared ! If I failed to find such a country, 
my next wish would be to dwell where ugly hags and 
wrinkled witches flourished. Beauty is deceptive ; it 
is a counterfeit, a snare to catch fools like me. But I 
promised not to upbraid, and it will do no good to rave. 
With a thousand sincere wishes for your future happi- 
t cc 37 



434 RAPID RAMBLING S IN EUROPE. 

ness, I subscribe myself your once loving and faithful 
but now heart-broken 

"Louis." 

The coffee, chops, and potatoes were now placed on 
the table. The eagerness with which Markman at- 
tacked them proved that his appetite was in good con- 
dition. With his mouth crammed full of chops and 
potatoes to such an extent as to damage his voice, he 
muttered, — 

"Well, what do you think of that letter?" 

" I have no fixed opinion," was my reply ; " but 
what do you think of it?" 

" What do I think ? Have some of this chop ; it is 
splendid." 

I declined the chop, as I was not hungry. 

" Be so good as to shove that bread over this way. 
Thank you. What do I think of that letter ? Thank 
you for the sugar. I think an unfortunate mistake has 
been made. Beg pardon, but will you oblige me with 
that spoon ? This is devilish good coffee ; have an- 
other cup ?" 

I did not want any more coffee. 

"You don't eat; what's the matter?" 

I called his attention to the fact that I had break- 
fasted at the hotel. 

"Ah, yes; that's so! Ha! ha! I had my mind on 
something else. I was thinking about the beautiful 
face of that dead girl. I'll wager the champagne that 
she never committed any crime. Can't fool me in that 
line ; no dishonesty about that sweet face. Pardon me 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 435 

for troubling you so often, but I want that pepper-box. 
Thanks. She has been entrapped some way ; no guilt 
in that poor girl's heart. I am a pretty good physiog- 
nomist; would back my judgment with last cent. A 
little more bread, if you please, little lady. Yes, as I 
was about to observe a moment ago, she has been 
ensnared someway. There is a peculiarity about a 
woman's mouth, you know, that often proves an index 
to character. That girl never had a vicious thought. 
Some rascality is at the bottom of this business ; will 
resurrect the secret at all hazards. I'll tell you what's 
the matter. Mark what I say : there is another woman 
at the bottom of this affair. That poor girl has been 
cheated out of her life as sure as my name is Fred 
Markman. This case shall be my bonanza. I'll stick 
to it until I know the exact cause of that girl's death. 
Push that butter-dish about ten inches in this direction. 
There ! that will do. Thanks. I dare say you think 
I am a great gourmand. Well, the fact is, — another 
cup of coffee, if you please, — I am a very hearty eater. 
Work very hard, you know. By the bye, old fellow, 
why the deuce don't you talk some ? Why don't you 
express an opinion of some sort? Mistakes don't 
count, you know. Have you nothing to suggest ?" 

This last question was direct and emphatic, and the 
questioner absolutely stopped eating for at least three 
seconds and waited for an answer. 

" I have read about many horrible crimes that were 
committed by beautiful women," I. replied. " I am 
afraid you have based your opinion of this girl's char- 
acter upon the beauty of her face. Tullia, the Roman 



436 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

princess, who drove the carriage over tl>e dead body of 
her father, dyeing the wheels red with a parent's blood, 
was a most beautiful woman ; Catharine de Medici, 
Lucretia Borgia, and Helen were women of extraor- 
dinary beauty, yet they possessed dishonest hearts; 
Cleopatra had charms enough to ensnare Caesar, and 
destroy Marcus Antonius ; and if you had met this girl 
Jennie before her death, she would have captured you." 

" I wish you had courage to risk champagne on the 
result of your opinion. But never mind ; time shall 
prove who is right and who is wrong. Hark ! what's 
that?" 

This remark was superinduced by a terrific scream 
that rang out on the morning air, coming from the 
morgue, which was but fifty yards from where we sat. 
We listened in breathless silence for a moment, expect- 
ing to hear a repetition of the scream. I have seldom 
in my life heard such a wail of despair as the one above 
alluded to. It did not strike me as the voice of a wo- 
man, nor did it sound like that of a man ; but it was 
the piercing cry of a child. 

"Ah! ha!" exclaimed Markman, as he seized my 
arm ; " now the show begins ; a relative has discovered 
the dead girl. Come, let's see what's up." 

We hurried to the spot, but the crowd of people who 
pressed around the building was so dense that we were 
unable to reach it. 

" You wait here till I return," cried Markman. " FU 
crawl through the back way, get the news, and come 
back very soon. I know the superintendent ; particu- 
lar friend of mine." 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 437 

He soon disappeared, leaving me to amuse myself by 
watching the vast waves of humanity that surged back 
and forth. 

An unusual commotion seemed to sway the immense 
throng of men who struggled to get near the window, 
while a perfect babel of loud-spoken languages re- 
sounded on every side. I confess that my curiosity 
had by this time become considerably excited, and I 
would have set out to search for Markman, but I had 
no idea where to look. A full hour had elapsed before 
he returned, and then, to add new fuel to the flame of 
my impatience, he happened to see a policeman with 
whom he was acquainted. Nothing would do but he 
must interview that official, which consumed at least 
twenty minutes. 

" Ah ! ha ! I told you so !" he exclaimed, as he ap- 
proached me. " You can't fool Fred Markman where 
there is a hidden mystery to be dug up. Dead girFs 
brother has arrived ; recognized his sister ; says he is 
the one to blame for his sister's death; heaps awful 
curses on his own head ; says his sister was innocent, 
but refused to deny her guilt in order to protect the 
criminal. The brother is a mere lad. A genuine 
mackerel ; two to one he's a little thief. Not over 
fifteen years of age ; villain plainly written on his face. 
Inquest ordered ; all the facts then come-at-able. Will 
watch developments and let you know. Wait a mo- 
ment ; I must send a despatch to the Excavator" 

Then he hurriedly scribbled in his note-book for five 
minutes, tore out a leaf, and sent it to his paper. 

" What is the girl's name besides Jennie ?" I inquired. 



438 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

"Blame the luck !" he muttered; " I neglected to 
write it down, and have forgotten it. Stop here till I 
go back and get the name. I'll be with you in five or 
ten minutes." 

Again I was left alone, but, true to his promise, he 
returned in less than three minutes. 

" Jennie de Lamotte is dead girl's name. An 
orphan, has only brother; no other relations; is 
an artist of considerable note, and has painted some 
pictures that sold well; was engaged to be married to 
Louis Fontinette, an army officer of good character; 
wedding-day set; everything running smoothly on 
until the villain comes to the front." 

I now parted with Markman, who promised to 
attend the inquest and collect all the facts connected 
with the dead girl's history, and the real causes that 
led her to commit suicide, and to impart them to me 
at the hotel in the evening. His promise was faith- 
fully complied with. He met me promptly at six 
o'clock, completely ladened down with news, which 
he seemed to take a pleasure in telling to me. 

" Well," cried Markman, as he came thundering into 
my room, almost breathless with excitement, " what 
did I tell you about that pretty corpse ? Didn't I 
tell you I would risk my life on her purity ? It's the 
saddest case on record ; beats Desdemona, Juliet, or 
anything of the sort. It's a perfect novel, a tragedy ; 
in fact, it surpasses anytlfing I ever heard of. But 
come ! By Jupiter ! I'm half starved ; let's hunt an 
eating establishment. Haven't eaten a bite since early 
this morning. Poor girl ! she was as innocent as an 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 439 

angel. This way. I always get good meals yonder. 
She was a martyr. That's the door there where you 
see that pretty girl ogling that man with the long 
moustache. What will you have me to order for 
you?" 

I gave the information, and as soon as we were 
seated, I requested Mark man to give me in detail all 
the news he had obtained regarding the history of the 
dead girl. 

" Blame'f I don't have a notion to go down to Ver- 
sailles and horsewhip that heartless rascal who pre- 
tended to love that poor girl. Had he the brains of 
a parrot, he might have known she was innocent. 
He's an idiot as well as a villain." 

" Let us suppose all that to be true," said 1/ impa- 
tiently. "-I care nothing about Louis Fontinette; T 
wish to know the history of the girl." 

"Just so; just so. That's the very thing I am talk- 
ing about. The fact of the business is, I don't want 
to talk about anything else but that unfortunate girl. 
Say, waiter, how long are you going to keep us wait- 
ing for dinner? Are you going to cause a double- 
barreled funeral by starving to death two distinguished 
American citizens ?" 

The individual thus addressed solemnly declared 
that the cooking was progressing as rapidly as the 
circumstances would allow, and that he earnestly 
hoped that the necessity for a funeral would be 
avoided. 

" See here, Mr. Markman," said I ; "it is you who 
will produce a funeral unless you proceed at once to 



440 RAPID RAM B LINGS IN EUROPE. 

impart to me the history of Jennie de Lamotte. Don't 
yon know that I am dying with unsatisfied curiosity 
while you are jabbering nonsense about dinner ?" 

"Bag pardon, but I am starved, — absolutely starved. 
Nevertheless, I can't allow you to die on my hands; 
therefore I will administer the anodyne. Wait a 
moment, please, until I get a cigar. I can talk better 
while smoking." 

He then deliberately lighted a cigar, and, placing 
his feet on top of the table a la Amer'waine, delivered 
himself of the following story : 

"Jennie de Lamotte is the daughter — that is, I 
mean, she was the daughter — of Francois de Lamotte, 
who was killed at the battle of Sedan while fighting: 
the Prussians. He left surviving him two children,^— 
a son and a daughter. The daughter, being intelligent 
and beautiful, attracted the attention of an artist, who, 
pitying her forlorn condition, took her and her infant 
brother under his protection. She at once began to 
exhibit a wonderful talent as a painter, having at the 
early age of thirteen finished a picture that sold for 
three hundred and fifty francs, — an inconsiderable 
sum, it is true, but more than is usuallys earned by 
infant artists. Instead of being a burden on the 
hands of her generous patron, she was the means of 
attracting public attention to his establishment; but, 
unluckily, he took a notion to die at the wrong time, 
and did actually quit living just as Jennie's talent 
began to develop itself. She followed the remains 
of her deceased friend to the grave, bedewing it with 
her tears; but she did not sit down and fold her 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 441 

hands in idleness. She rented two large rooms and 
set up shop on her own account, and fortunately found 
employment sufficient to pay her necessary expenses. 
Her little brother was kept at school all the time, 
except when he would run away, which he often did, 
spending much of his time in the company of what is 
known as the ' mackerel brigade/ To cut a long story 
short, while Jennie travelled on the ascending road, 
her worthless brother made as rapid speed on the 
downward road as Satan himself could wish or ex- 
pect. It required all the money that Jennie could 
earn as an artist to pay fines and costs for the prof- 
ligate brother. Indeed, it was proven that she often 
denied herself the necessaries of life, in order to enable 
her to keep him out of prison. He spent many a 
night in the custody of the police, and would have 
fared worse but for the kind feelings entertained for 
his beautiful and virtuous sister. I have seen her 
studio. It is a charming little cage supplied with 
cheap but pretty furniture, the carpets being scraps of 
different colors, showing that she was forced to buy a 
piece at a time, probably bartering her pictures for the 
material when and where she could. Half a dozen 
sweet-singing birds warbled melodiously from their 
cages in the window, while a dozen earthen pots filled 
with blooming flowers were sitting on the sill by the 
cages. A half- finished picture of Gambetta, on which 
she had lately been at work, leaned against a large 
canvased frame, while a score of other paintings were 
arranged on the walls of the room. In an adjacent 
room, which was the sleeping apartment, there was a 



442 RAPID RAMBLING S IN EUROPE. 

bed with snow-white curtains and counterpane, a ma- 
hogany dressing-stand, a velvet-covered sofa, three 
chairs, a table, and a washstaud. Everything indi- 
cated neatness and frugality. A smaller room, farther 
back, was reserved for the brother when he conde- 
scended to give his sister the benefit of his company, 
which was, indeed, very seldom. After the inquest was 
finished I accompanied the corpse to her studio, where 
it was placed in a pretty coffin purchased by general 
subscription among her friends. I tell you what's a 
fact: I don't often weep, but blame'f I didn't cry 
like a whipped pup when I saw that poor girl lying 
there with a bouquet in her hand looking just like an 
angel. Hanging is too good for that villainous brother 
of hers. If Louis Fontinette was not a snivelling 
coward, he would wipe that chap off the 'face of the 
earth. But let that pass; you care nothing about him. 
I'll resume my story. Here ! Say, waiter, I would 
like for you to know that I did not order this dinner 
for the Angel Gabriel, therefore you need not wait for 
the sound of his trumpet before you serve it. Beg 
pardon, but I cannot have patience when I am starv- 
ing, — well, I'll now tell you what was proven on the 
inquest, and then I ask you to remember what I said 
when we first beheld the charming face of the deceased. 
About a year ago Louis Fontinette began to favor 
Jennie de Lamotte with his constant attentions. 
Their acquaintance ripened into love, as is usual in 
such cases. Fontinette held a commission in the reg- 
ular army, — was on duty at Versailles as the officer of 
the guard at the grand palace. His standing as an 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 443 

officer and a gentleman was unexceptionable. He 
enjoyed the friendship of many officers of high rank, 
who testified to his good character. That he really 
loved Jennie with a pure devotion appears to have 
been clearly established. They were often seen stroll- 
ing together through the garden of the Tuileries, she 
leaning on his arm, seemingly very happy. Indeed, 
every time Louis could obtain leave of absence he 
spent his time with his sweetheart. Finally they 
entered into a marriage engagement, and the day set 
for the wedding was next Tuesday. 

" There, by Jupiter ! here comes our dinner at last. 
Square yourself around, and let us commence business. 
Hello there, Mr. Waiter ! where is your butter ? Yes, 
Louis and Jennie were to have been married next 
Tuesday. That pretty diamond ring you saw on the 
finger of the corpse was the betrothal pledge given by 
Fontinette to his intended bride. I would not have 
his feelings now for all the money on earth. It was 
his. cruel letter that drove the poor maiden to despair, 
though, to do him justice, he acted upon what any one 
would have believed to be unmistakable evidence of 
the girPs guilt. When she was in prison under a 
serious charge, Fontinette promptly came forward and 
offered her any assistance she might need. Mark what 
I say, and remember what I said at the start, that girl 
never had an evil thought. She, like many other in- 
nocent people, has suffered for crimes she did not com- 
mit. This is splendid soup, ain't it? I believe Fll 
take another plate of it. Paris folks beat the world on 
soup and coffee. Yes, it has turned out precisely as I 



444 RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. 

told you it would. You recollect that the very first 
guess I made when we saw the corpse was that a tragedy 
would eventually connect itself with the case. Now I 
leave it with you to decide whether or' not my judg- 
ment in such matters is reliable. Why don't you try 
some of that salad? You'll find it very good. Con- 
found that shallow-brained waiter ! he has brought tea 
here when I distinctly ordered coffee. Here, Mr. Idiot ! 
didn't I tell you I wanted coffee?" 

" Oui." 

" Then why did you bring tea ?" 

" One grandee meestake." 

" Well, remedy it installtly. ,, 

"Oui." 

"Beg pardon, but some of these lubberly waiters 
can vex the life out of a man. What was I talking 
about when that numbskull threw me off? Oh, yes; 
I remember now. I was calling your attention to the 
reliability of my judgment as expressed at the very 
instant when we first saw the dead girl at the morgue 
this morning. Now, mark how the evidence sustains 
my predictions. You have, no doubt, heard about the 
old woman who always said, 'I told you so,' when in- 
formed that such a thing had happened. On one occa- 
sion a mischievous urchin informed her that the calf 
had eaten up the grindstone. ' I told you so !' was her 
prompt response. I merely mention this as a reminder 
that it is very easy to guess the truth of a proposition 
after everybody has found it out. But please bear in 
mind that I made the prophecy of the girl's purity be- 
fore any of the facts of the case were known. I relied 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 445 

on my experience and judgment as a physiognomist, and 
not on the proof. First witness, a policeman, who tes- 
tifies that he found the body of deceased floating near 
the bank of the river ; called another policeman, who 
assisted him in lifting body out of the water ; found 
letter in the pocket of her dress; letter shown and 
identified ; letter then read. Witness further stated 
no marks of violence appeared on the body. Locket 
found in her bosom containing picture of Louis Fonti- 
nette ; saw deceased with Louis on Sunday two weeks 
ago, but did not at first recognize deceased. 

" Second witness, a police officer, testified : ' About 
a week ago was supplied with official warrant, with 
instructions to search premises of Jennie de Lamotte for 
a silk purse containing about twenty francs in gold 
and silver, which was alleged to have been stolen from 
Mademoiselle Sarah Montmeer. As soon as I received 
the instructions I proceeded to apartments of Mademoi- 
selle Jennie de Lamotte, and without knocking at the 
door, pushed it open and walked in, when, to my great 
surprise, saw Mademoiselle Jennie with the identical 
purse in her hands. She appeared to be much alarmed, 
turned deathly pale, fell back on a sofa, and burst into 
tears, exclaiming, " We are ruined ! forever ruined !" 
This all occurred before I made known the object of 
my visit. Indeed, it was scarcely necessary for me to 
have mentioned the purpose of the visit, because she 
handed me the purse before I spoke a word. " I am 
ready to undergo the punishment which the law in- 
flicts on thieves. Take me where you will," she said ; 
" I will go at once." Her brother walked into an ad- 

38 



446 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

joining room as soon as I entered. Have known the 
brother well; he is a bad one; has given ns much 
trouble; has often been fined, which in every instance 
was paid by his sister. I took Mademoiselle Jennie 
into custody. She was placed on trial, pleaded guilty, 
and was sentenced to six months' imprisonment, but 
after remaining in prison three days was uncondition- 
ally pardoned. An officer who had been a warm friend 
of her father interceded in her behalf and obtained a 
pardon. Her former good character, together with her 
helpless condition, created quite a favorable opinion of 
her in the mind of the public. The lady whose purse 
had been stolen joined with others to secure the pardon.' 
" The next and last witness that appeared was that 
fiend, the brother of the deceased, a lad of fifteen 
years. His face was somewhat marred by marks of 
early dissipation. He was sobbing bitterly, and well 
might he be, for he was the sole cause of his sister's 
death. He declared that it was his firm resolve to de- 
stroy himself; said he wished he was dead, in which 
wish I and everybody present heartily concurred, 
though I know the little villain has not got courage 
to kill himself. His sort never do. But let that pass 
while I tell you what he said about the stolen purse. 
Amid whines and sobs he testified as follows: 'On 
the day that the purse was stolen I accompanied my 
sister to a mantuamaker's shop, where she went for the 
purpose of purchasing her wedding-dress. While one 
of the shop-girls was taking my sister's measure, 
Mademoiselle Sarah Montmeer came in and began to 
make some purchases. When she took out her purse 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 447 

to pay for the goods, she laid it down on the counter, 
and went into another room to have a dress fitted which 
was being made for her. I took the purse, slipped it 
into my pocket, and immediately my sister and I started 
home. When we got to our apartment my sister's 
attention was attracted to the unusually bloated con- 
dition of my pocket, which contained half a dozen stolen 
handkerchiefs as well as Mademoiselle Sarah Mont- 
meer's purse. I was forced to empty my pockets, 
when my sister seized the purse and charged me with 
stealing it. I at first denied the charge, but she pressed 
me so hard that I was forced to confess my guilt. At 
the same time I endeavored to take the purse away 
from her. A scuffle ensued, in which my designs were 
frustrated, and my sister managed to retain the purse. 
She declared she was going to carry it to the owner 
immediately. She hurriedly arranged her hair, which 
had been unfastened in the scuffle with me, put on her 
bonnet, and started to the door with the purse in her hand, 
when she was confronted by an officer who had come to 
look for the stolen purse/ Here the little fiend broke 
down, burst into tears, and came near falling to the 
floor. Wish he had fell dead in his tracks. The rest 
of his evidence was delivered in disjointed sentences, 
calling down heaven's vengeance on himself, swearing 
that he was the most miserable wretch on the face of 
the earth. ' My poor sister P he groaned ; ' she, in 
order to shield her unworthy brother, made the jieople 
believe that she had taken the purse, while I, a cow- 
ardly thief, permitted her to suffer for a crime com- 
mitted by me !' I could have cut the throat of that 



448 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

little thief without the least compunction of conscience. 
Yes, that charming girl had actually sacrificed herself 
to protect that infernal young rogue; and when he 
knew that her lover was going to break oif the mar- 
riage contract, believing she was a thief, that worthless 
little scamp did not have the courage to go to Louis 
and confess that he was the thief. When Jennie's 
lover wrote the letter annulling the engagement, it 
must have temporarily dethroned her reason, causing 
her to seek death by suicide. 

u Now, sir, you have heard the whole story. I told 
you the calf would eat the grindstone, and, sure enough, 
it did. In other words, I told you the girl never had 
an evil thought, and I have proved the truth of that 
assertion. Have another cigar? They are splendid." 

I took a cigar and tried to smoke my thoughts off 
of the dead girl's face, but utterly failed. 



CHAPTER XXXIV. 

Paris, August 14. 
"We made a raid on the Louvre the other day, but a 
love of truth compels me to say it was not a success. 
My reputation for truth and veracity is good among 
those who are not intimately acquainted with me, and 
I must sustain it at all hazards. 

v The first grand sight that met my eyes exercised a 
bewildering influence upon my mind, — a thousand 
white marble statues standing in line, representing un- 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 449 

clad men and women, looking like a brigade of soldiers 
already prepared for a cold-water bath. I proposed to 
purchase a cart-load of fig-leaves to make a suit of 
clothes for each one of those unfortunate statues, but 
the superintendent said it was unnecessary, as the 
Adamic style had long since gone out of fashion. 

" Indeed," said he, " art must be true to nature." 

" In that view of the case," said I, " your show is 
unquestionably a grand success. " 

If a man were to take photographic pictures of those 
statues and offer them for sale in New York, he would 
be arrested and punished for dealing in obscene pic- 
tures. That is owing to the fact that America is not 
an art-loving nation, though I am happy to be able to 
say that she is rapidly improving in that respect. I 
heard a circuit judge deliver a charge to a jury in the 
State of New York where a man was on trial for sell- 
ing obscene pictures. 

" Gentlemen of the jury," said he, " if you believe 
from the evidence that the prisoner offered the pictures 
for sale as a work of art, you will acquit him ; but, on 
the other hand, if you believe that his conduct was not 
the result of a genuine love for art, you must find him 
guilty." 

The jury, not being able to see the defendant's 
thoughts, gave him the benefit of all doubt by finding 
him guilty as charged. 

At the entrance of the Louvre we were beset by a 
score of guides who politely but very urgently begged 
us to employ them. I stopped and began to converse 
with them, when Charley said, — 
dd 38* 



450 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

" Come on, boys ; dey bees all dem humbugs." 

The last word struck my weak point. If there is 
anything I like more than another, it is the exquisite 
luxury of being humbugged. I at once engaged the 
one whom my judgment told me was the biggest hum- 
bug on the ground. For a franc an hour he agreed to 
show me through the whole establishment. That was 
the best trade I ever made. He could point out the 
excellent qualities of a picture, tell the name of the 
artist that painted it, and relate all the historical facts 
appertaining to it in a few words without boring the 
hearer with useless verbosity. He was as well ac- 
quainted with the curiosities of the Louvre as I was 
with the congregation of cats who held nightly concerts 
on top of the house opposite my lodgings. At the end 
of the first fifteen miles I began to complain of weari- 
ness, to which he paid no heed. At the end of the 
next fifteen miles I fell exhausted on a seat and per- 
emptorily refused to go any farther. . He implored me 
to try to go a little farther, but I declined. He told 
me that if I would walk two hundred yards more he 
would show me the very window from which Cath- 
arine de Medici gave the signal to begin the St. Bar- 
tholomew massacre. That promise put new strength 
into my exhausted body. I would have walked ten 
miles farther to have him describe that bloody scene. 

"Zis be ze same window where ze queen give ze 
signell," said my guide, as lie led me to a front window 
on the second floor. 

He then borrowed a chair from one of the officers, 
placed it near the window, placed me on it and then 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 451 

gave me as complete a history of that horrible massacre 
as the best writers on the subject could have done. 

Catharine de Medici was born in Florence, Italy, in 
1519, and died in France in 1589. She was the mother 
of Francis II., who was the first husband of Mary, 
Queen of Scots. She was the wife of Henry, Duke of 
Orleans, who ascended the throne of France in 1547. 
Her husband, the king, was accidentally killed at a 
tournament in 1559. Her son, Francis II., died at the 
early age of twenty-two, said to have been murdered 
by his mother, who caused poison to be poured in his 
ear while he was asleep ; she murdered her son because 
he would not give his consent to the plot to massacre 
the Huguenots. As soon as she got rid of Francis, she 
herself ascended the throne as regent for her son 
Charles IX., who was a puny boy with feeble mind, 
completely under the influence of his wicked mother. 
Notwithstanding Charles' imbecility, he at first refused 
to sign the order for the massacre, but day after day, 
night after night, he was tormented by his mother, who 
refused to let him have peace or sleep until he yielded. 
At last, in a fit of desperation, he cried, — 

" Well, kill them all, that not a single Huguenot 
may live to reproach me with their death. " 

Then the pernicious Catharine despatched her secret 
emissaries to all parts of France with instructions to 
the Catholics to begin their bloody work at four o'clock 
A.M., on the 24th of August, 1572. This was the day 
set for the wedding of Henry of Navarre with the 
daughter of Catharine de Medici. Henry was a Prot- 
estant. It was known by Catharine that a multitude 



452 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

of Henry's Protestant friends would visit Paris to wit- 
ness the marriage, therefore she selected that as a suit- 
able time to execute her diabolical plot. Just before 
the peep of dawn, a time when unsuspecting people 
were sleeping soundly in their beds, a bright blue light 
blazed out from a window of the Louvre, then sud- 
denly disappeared. That light was held in the little 
white hand of a woman, — a hand which had often been 
kissed by the very people whom that signal was to 
consign to the icy hand of death. When Catharine 
waved the blue light the solemn tones of an old church- 
bell rang out on the still night-air. Five minutes after- 
ward the dying shrieks of thousands of bleeding vic- 
tims rose on every hand ; the bloody work had begun. 
The human mind can hardly conceive of such a piti- 
less, damnable scheme to murder innocent men and 
women whose only crime was the entertainment of re- 
ligious views differing from those of the Catholic 
Church. The streets were drenched with Protestant 
blood. The emissaries of the Catholic Church had all 
been for months working in secret, so that when the 
time to strike arrived, they were armed and in every 
respect ready to execute their bloody work. The same 
bloody work went on according to orders in all parts 
of France, until fifty thousand Protestants fell victims 
to Catholic malice. The young king's conscience man- 
aged to torture him to death in a very short while. 
Blood continually came out through the pores of his 
skin, instead of common perspiration. He suffered 
untold agony and died in despair. When news of the 
St. Bartholomew massacre reached Rome, a Te Deum 



RAPID RAMBLING S IN EUROPE. 453 

was sung by order of the pope. Well, what is a Te 
Deumf Webster says it is a "hymn to be sung in 
churches on occasions of great joy." The Catholics 
honestly believe that the best way to serve God is to 
kill Protestants. They may be right, notwithstanding 
my opinion to the contrary. 

I do not think that the lady-members of our party 
liked the Louvre very much; in fact, I have never 
heard them express an opinion on the subject. 

If I had some ten or fifteen years idle time to kill, 
I might conclude to make a thorough inspection of the 
Louvre, but, having less than two weeks to spend in 
Paris, I could not be so rash as to think of such a 
thing. I suppose that a walk of seventy-five miles 
would take a man (and probably a woman) through all 
the picture-galleries of the Louvre. The Tuileries was 
partially destroyed by the communists, who set fire to it 
during the great riot of 1871, but most of it has been 
rebuilt, and it and the Louvre are now joined together. 

There is nothing more beautiful in France than are 
the Tuileries Gardens. The walks are artistically ar- 
ranged and bordered with fragrant flowers and beauti- 
ful grass-plats, while thousands of pretty trees inter- 
mingle their dark-green branches so thickly that the 
rays of the sun cannot penetrate through them. Every 
evening except Monday a splendid band discourses 
music from an elevated stand in the centre. From six 
to twelve o'clock thousands of gayly-dressed ladies 
swarm in the gardens to enjoy the fresh air, — to see 
and be seen. The French women are nearly all bru- 
nettes. They are all pretty, — at least they look so 



454 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

when in harness and war-paint. In point of fact, they 
are irresistible. The smile of French ladies is more 
dangerous than the fire of field-artillery. They can 
beat the world for elegance of style; they have reduced 
the art of dress to a most perfect science. I dare say 
oue might find a very few ugly French women if one 
could surprise them en deshabille, but that would be a 
difficult task to perform, for they are vigilant, ener- 
getic, and ever on the alert. 

Paris never gets fairly under headway until near 
midnight. The gas and the electric lights don't begin 
to put in real blazing work until after eleven ; then 
they buckle down to business, converting night into 
day, — so light that the rays of a meridian sun could 
not add a jot to its blazing grandeur. Theatres, con- 
certs, balls, and other amusements are now under full 
blast. The gay streets swarm with gorgeous equipages 
filled with pleasure-seekers, while everybody seems to 
be in a great hurry. No wonder, then, that tourists 
go into raptures over " beautiful Paris." I, who am a 
cold-hearted philosopher, have been unable to escape 
rapturous attacks. To make a clean breast of the 
whole business, I confess that I have been seduced into 
inexcusable follies. For three days nothing was talked 
about but the Grand Opera-House, said to be the most 
magnificent structure on the globe, where ravishing 
music and heavenly scenery threw the audience into in- 
curable ecstasies. Nothing would do but a box must be 
secured. I yielded a reluctant consent, because I had 
no swallow-tail coat, — said to be an indispensable article 
in the make-up of a gentleman's full dress. I was told 



RAPID It AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 455 

that gentlemen not in full dress would be either kicked 
out or politely refused admission. A full dress means 
a black cloth suit, with open vest, white cravat, starched 
bosom, and white gloves. The tail of the coat must in 
all respects resemble a pair of scissors, so as to leave as 
much of the body uncovered as possible. I consented 
to accompany the ladies to the Grand Opera. Charley, 
under instructions, was good enough to engage a box 
for the party at the trifling sum of twenty-seven francs 
for each person, six in a box, — one hundred and sixty- 
two francs in all, not counting carriage-hire. My 
courage failed me when informed that I could not 
gain admission unless in full dress. Here was a pretty 
state of affairs, — my money already gone for the box, 
the ladies expecting me to escort them, and no scissor- 
tail coat under my control. What was to be done ? 

" What shall I do ?" I exclaimed, in despair. 

" Borrow a coat from one of the table-waiters," said 
Dick ; " it's the easiest thing in the world." 

Now, it is a positive fact that all table-waiters in 
first-class hotels on the Continent are always in full 
dress when on duty. Howbeit, if you gain admission 
to a royal reception, you must dress a la soup-hander. 
Acting upon Dick's sensible suggestion, I entered into 
a contract with one of the waiters, by which he agreed 
to rent me his swallow-tail coat during the evening for 
two francs. But, alas ! when the time to start arrived, 
one of the high contracting parties — viz., the waiter — 
was nowhere to be found, having, as I afterward 
learned, worn the aforesaid coat to a ball himself. 
There was no time to be lost ; consequently I ran to a 



456 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

clothing-store, determined to purchase a coat at any 
price. Addressing the lady who stood behind the 
counter in what I thought was elegant French, I 
called for a swallow-tail coat. Smiling sweetly and 
bowing low, she threw a dozen old-fashioned balmoral 
skirts down before me and began to expatiate exten- 
sively on their superiority. I shook my head, stamped 
the floor impatiently with my feet, and repeated my 
order. Then she threw down an armful of corsets, (lit- 
ers, and gowns, and began to point out their peculiar 
excellencies, when I rushed from the house in despair. 
When I got back to the hotel, the carriages were at 
the door, the ladies exquisitely dressed and waiting for 
me in the parlor. The greatest consternation prevailed 
when I announced my inability to accompany them 
for the lack of a scissor-tail coat. Now, be it remem- 
bered that I was the owner in fee simple of a brand- 
new suit of elegant blue cloth clothes, but the tail of 
the coat had the misfortune to be cut square instead of 
sharp with a split in the middle. The ladies promised 
that if I would risk the square-tail coat they would 
help to smuggle me in. In a fit of desperation I con- 
sented. I went with the ladies, passed the outposts 
unmolested, and slipped into the box unnoticed. If 
anybody observed me at all there that night, they had 
the good sense to keep quiet. Greatly to my relief I 
s;i\v that a large majority of the gentlemen wore coats 
similar to mine. Indeed, I was as tastefully dressed 
as any one in the audience. A small number of swal- 
low-tail coats were visible, but whether they were worn 
by princes or hotel- waiters I cannot undertake to say. 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 457 

One man in full dress always looks exactly like an- 
other, and very frequently is. The best part of the 
entertainment was the dazzling lights that blazed down 
from a hundred colored globes, casting their mellow 
rays on a thousand pretty faces. 

We arrived late and found the stage occupied by 
seventy-five performers, most of whom seemed to be in 
a terrible rage about something that had happened. I 
could not understand everything that was said, but the 
king, who occupied a throne in the centre of the stage, 
ordered a woman to do something that she did not want 
to do. She in a shrill, screaming voice told him she 
had rather be buried alive than to do it. He in a bass, 
graveyard tone swore by all the holy saints that she 
should do it. She pitched her voice eight or ten oc- 
taves higher, and in an ear-piercing scream threw 
defiance in his face. The king sunk his tone so low 
that it struck the bottom cellar under the house, and 
ordered the woman to instantaneous execution. A file 
of soldiers seized the brave, beautiful lady, tied her 
little white hands with a strong cord, and started to 
lead her to the block, when suddenly a half-dozen 
doors were broken down, and another king dashed on 
the stage, followed by a new army. He cut the cord 
that bound the lady's hand, when she gracefully fainted 
in his arms. The new army captured the savage king 
and his ill-mannered followers, and marched them off 
the stage, while thundering applause shook the build- 
ing from base to dome. 

As soon as the new king could find a chance to put 
in a few remarks, he said, — 
u 39 



458 RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. 

" Sweet Julia, my own darling love, look up ; 'tis I, 
thine own Theodric." 

In pursuance of his request, Julia proceeded to look 
up, and while they pretended to weep in each others' 
arms the curtain went slowly down amid loud shouts 
and hand-clapping. 

Charley, who understood the language perfectly, in- 
formed me that the savage king was trying to force the 
lady, who was a foreign princess, to marry his son, 
which she was unwilling to do, because she loved 
Theodric, a young king of an adjacent nation. Her 
lover had by the aid of reliable spies obtained correct 
information as to the desperate strait in which she was 
placed. Selecting a small army of his most reliable 
troops, he succeeded by forced marches in arriving in 
time to save the life of his pretty sweetheart. I was 
gratified to know that Theodric got there in time. A 
delay of five minutes would have thrown him behind 
time and defeated the connection. 

It is my opinion that those who rent boxes at the 
Grand Opera-House pay very dear for the luxury. 

One evening a short while ago Charley and Dick 
invited me to accompany them to a theatre, the name 
of which I do not remember. The house was very 
large and brilliantly lighted. One hall alone covered 
an acre of territory, the walls being hidden by mirrors 
reaching from floor to ceiling, the reflection so multi- 
plying the audience so as to make a thousand people 
appear ten times that number. A score of little re- 
freshment-stands elegantly furnished were to be seen, 
attended by pretty girls tastefully dressed, while groups 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 459 

of men laughed, chatted, and drank wine and beer over 
the counter. The audience paid but little attention to 
the performance that progressed on the stage. Indeed, 
it seemed to be a sort of happy-go-easy place, where 
every one did as he pleased. Everybody acted as if he 
wanted to see and be seen, and especially to know what 
everybody else was doing. 

At the end of an hour I became deeply interested in 
the play, and was watching it intently, when a tall bru- 
nette tastefully clad in black silk and snow-white 
apron plucked my sleeve and said, " Come !" To say 
that I was astonished would be a tame expression. I 
had heard and read much about men of honor and 
high standing falling under the irresistible influence 
of these beautiful sirens. Before I had time to answer 
she caught my arm and repeated, " Come \" at the 
same time pointing toward the head of the stairs. 

" I beg your pardon, madarne," I said, as I disen- 
gaged my arm ; " I am not that sort of a man." 

Then she spoke half a dozen words in French that I 
did not understand, when she grabbed my arm and 
tried to take me by main force. 

" I beseech you, madame, to let me alone. I am a 
married man, the head of a family, five thousand miles 
away from home, and wholly unprotected." 

She clung to my arm and continued to cry, " Come !" 

A man now stepped up and said something to me 
which I did not understand, but I inferred from his 
gestures that he was urging me to go along with the 
woman. 

" You, sir, will oblige me by attending to your own 



460 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

business," said I. "You have confederated with this 
woman to ensnare me, but I will let you know that 
you are mistaken in your man. If you interfere with 
my liberties I will call for the police." 

The woman stood her ground until I stopped talking, 
when she gave another pull and cried, " Come !" 

By this time I was in a rage and determined to strike 
for freedom. I rudely pushed the woman back and 
escaped. 

"Why did you not come when we sent for you?" 
said Dick, who tapped me on the shoulder. " We have 
ordered luncheon ; it has been ready long ago, and we 
have been waiting for you, and she tells us you refused 
to come, and treated her very rudely." 

" See here, Dick ! you will oblige me very much if 
you will quit sending French women after me. Fun 
is fun, but I don't like that sort." 

When I took a seat at the table, I happened to hear 
a snigger immediately behind me. When I looked 
around I saw the tall brunette cramming the corner of 
her apron in her mouth to keep from laughing aloud. 
Charley and the girl had interchanged a few words 
which I thought had reference to the lunch, but when 
he pretended to get choked merely to afford an excuse 
to laugh, I knew full well the cat was out of the bag. 
When Charley laughed, the girl did likewise. Then 
Dick let himself loose, and a real uproarious burst 
of merriment rang through the room. I concluded to 
make the best of the matter, and heartily joined in the 
laugh. 

" Charley," said I, " will you be so good as to ex- 



RAPID RAMB LINGS IN EUROPE. 461 

plain how that young lady managed to find me in such 
a crowd of people ?" 

M I told her to look for a mummy with a long mou- 
stache," he replied. 

" That description," said Dick, " would have iden- 
tified you among ten thousand men." 

" Then," said I, addressing Charley, " suppose you 
were going to send a messenger to hunt Dick, what 
would be your instructions ?" 

" I tells him' to bring de first billiard-cue he finds 
mit a hat on." 

Be it remembered that Dick was very tall and per- 
fectly straight, his height being over six feet and his 
body rather thin. 

Yesterday evening we made a thorough inspection 
of grand, gloomy, old Notre Dame, the famous old 
cathedral, rendered notorious by the pen of Victor 
Hugo. The view to be obtained from the top of her 
lofty tower is perhaps the grandest in Paris. 

Notre Dame was built seven hundred years ago. It 
was erected on a foundation where two other churches 
had formerly stood. The interior presents the most 
charming and complete work of Gothic architecture to 
be found in France. The windows are thirty-six 
feet high, filled with painted glass representing elegant 
pictures of Bible scenes. Innumerable large and small 
towers, exquisitely shaped, rise high above the roof, 
some over three hundred feet. As I wandered among 
these towers the thrilling scenes described by Victor 
Hugo in his " Bellringer of Notre Dame" made them- 
selves visible to my imagination with great distinctness. 

39* 



462 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

A thorn said to be from the crown that encircled the 
brow of Christ may be seen here ; also one of the nails 
that was driven through His foot while He was being 
nailed to the cross. 



CHAPTEE XXXV. 



Cologne, August 17. 

On Wednesday morning at an early hour we bade 
adieu to beautiful Paris and set out by rail towards 
Brussels, traversing a country unsurpassed in point of 
wealth and picturesque scenery. 

It required not the assistance of a guide to tell us 
when we crossed the line between France and Belgium. 
The quaint, old, sharp-roofed houses, with their dor- 
mer-windows and uniform gables as white as new-fallen 
snow; the charming little flower-gardens in front, 
teeming with rose-geraniums, daffodils, and woodbine, 
— all go to furnish proof of the fact that we are in Bel- 
gium. Evidences of thrift, industry, and frugality may 
be seen on every hand. The whole face of the country 
presents the appearance of a well-cultivated garden 
ready with its ripening products richly to reward the 
husbandman for his toil. Large, red-brick barns of 
uniform size appear at short intervals on each side of 
the road, half concealed by tall, green trees, while thou- 
sands of fine, fat cattle indolently browse on the red 
fields of clover. Everything looks clean, neat, fresh, 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 4(53 

and prosperous. The women all wear snow-white 
aprons and have full, round, rosy cheeks. 

We arrived at Brussels early in the evening, afford- 
ing us an opportunity to take a ride around the city 
and enjoy the fresh, invigorating air of her beautiful 
parks. We invaded the grand church of St. Gudule, 
one of the most magnificent structures in Belgium. It 
is constructed of solid masonry, in the Gothic style, 
with two enormous towers of open-work rising to a 
height of three hundred and sixty-four feet above the 
pavement. It was built six hundred years ago. The 
interior is elegantly embellished with gold, silver, and 
marble, while the tall windows are adorned with richly- 
stained glass. Many life-size marble statues of distin- 
guished men occupy niches in the walls. 

The streets of Brussels at night present a scene of in- 
comparable gayety and beauty. They are crowded by 
thousands of men, women, and children, who saunter 
leisurely along merely to see and to be seen, and to 
enjoy the gorgeous sights exhibited in the shop-win- 
dows. Gas must be exceedingly cheap here, judging 
from the extravagant manner in which it is burned. 
The streets and the shops are as light at midnight as at 
midday. 

One would imagine that everybody here was a mu- 
sician, and that he was anxious that everybody else 
should know it. A perfect discord of sweet sounds 
continually pierced my ears. 

I hired a local guide to conduct me to the old palace 
where the Duchess of Richmond gave her grand ball 
on the night before the great battle of Waterloo was 



464 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

fought. It was at this grand ball where Wellington 
and many of his officers were assembled when the 
sullen roar of distant artillery shook the palace walls, 
and brought the revel to an abrupt termination. The 
hand of many an officer was then warmly clasped by 
fair ladies that was clasped by the icy hand of Death 
the next day. Byron immortalized this scene with his 
charming pen, — 

" There was a sound of revelry b} 7 night, 

And Belgium's capital had gathered then 

Her beauty and her chivalry, and bright 

The lamps shone o'er fair women and brave men; 

A thousand hearts beat happily ; and when 

Music arose with its voluptuous swell, 

Soft eyes looked love to eyes which spake again, 

And all went merry as a marriage-bell. 
But hush 1 hark ! a deep sound strikes like a rising knell. 

" Ah ! then and there was hurrying to and fro, 
And gathering tears, and tremblings of distress, 
And cheeks all pale, which but an hour ago 
Blushed at the praise of their own loveliness ; 
And there were sudden partings, such as press 
The life from out young hearts, and choking sighs 
Which ne'er might be repeated. Who could guess 
If ever more should meet those mutual eyes 

Since upon night so sweet such awful morn could rise?" 

Miss Bell repeated these significant lines in a tragic 
tone, while the brigade listened in breathless silence. 
As she uttered the last words Dick suddenly twisted 
his long body into a double bow-knot, drew his left leg 
into a shapeless bulk, threw his right shoulder down, 
pitched the other up, distorted his features into a savage 



RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. 4^5 

grin, seized a stick, whirled it in rapid circles above his 
head, and went limping across the room, yelling, — 

" A kingdom ! a kingdom ! my horse for a kingdom ! 
Give me another kingdom ! Bind up my horses !" 

This, of course, set the whole party into a perfect 
roar of laughter. Dick had purposely misquoted the 
words of Richard III. In fact, it was his habit to 
convert everything into ludicrous mirth. 

Thursday morning we took the train for Waterloo, 
where we arrived at nine o'clock, and in the midst of a 
heavy rainfall were transferred to carriages and went 
dashing up a long-sloping hill toward the famous battle- 
field. After a short ride of two miles the carriages 
stopped in front of a nice, clean, white-washed hotel, 
wdiere we were invited to enter. No sooner had we 
touched the ground than we were surrounded by a 
score of relic-peddlers and unemployed guides, who in 
most eloquent terms begged for patronage. Half a 
dozen pretty little girls with baskets filled with old, 
rusty buckles, sword-hilts, gun-locks, ramrods, battered 
bullets, leather belts, rusty spurs, and a thousand other 
worthless articles of a like description, singled me out 
as their victim. Some one of our party, unfortunately 
for me, happened to address me as " Colonel." That 
was sufficient to set the whole crew on me. 

" Ze curneele take ze spuree ze Dook de Broonzee- 
week woree ven he beeze kilt." 

The eloquent appeal was delivered by a little maiden 
with sun-browned skin, large light-blue eyes, and pro- 
fuse, tangled hair. She absolutely seized the skirt of my 
coat, and refused to let me go until I traded with her. 



466 RAPID RAMBLINOS IN EUROPE. 

If I am not the owner of the identical spur which was 
worn by Brunswick's gallant chieftain when he died at 
Waterloo, a sweet-faced little maiden has told me an 
unmitigated falsehood. She assured me in the most 
positive terms that the spur was captured by her grand- 
father, who plundered the field the night after the great, 
battle. 

We had the good luck to secure the services of an 
excellent guide, whose name had been given to us at 
Brussels. He spoke English fluently, was well in- 
formed in regard to the history of the movements of 
both armies before and during the battle, and had 
copies of all the orders issued by Napoleon and Wel- 
lington between the 14th and 18th of June, as well as 
a copy of the duke's final report to his government. 
He would conduct us to a certain point, then read his 
orders, and explain the positions occupied and the 
movements made by the different bodies of troops in 
that vicinity. By this means we were enabled to get 
the plan of the great battle pretty well fixed in our 
minds. We were first taken to the elevated plateau 
where Wellington stood with field-glass in one hand 
and time-piece in the other watching the fearful 
slaughter of his brave troops by Ney's corps. Here 
is where the duke was often heard to exclaim, "Oh, 
that night or Blucher would come !" Night and Blu- 
cher both came at once, for it was seven o'clock when 
the prince arrived with forty thousand fresh troops, 
which turned the tide against the French. Our next 
move was to the famous chateau, wdiere the great 
battle was opened at eleven o'clock on the 18 th by 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 4(57 

Jerome Bonaparte. This position was on the extreme 
right of the British army, and in a little narrow valley 
thickly studded with heavy timber. The chateau is 
constructed with large blocks of blue limestone of suf- 
ficient strength and thickness to stop any ordinary- 
sized cannon-ball. The French succeeded in driving 
the British out of the woods, but failed to dislodge 
them from the house. Innumerable signs of the 
struggle are yet visible on the walls of the old chateau 
and of other buildings near it. We were invited to 
enter the old chapel which was used by the French as 
a hospital while the battle raged. Marks of cannon- 
and musket-balls are to be seen on every wall. The 
old well wherein the British threw the bodies of six 
hundred dead Frenchmen was pointed out to us. It 
makes the blood curdle in one's veins to read the his- 
tory of this horrible burial of brave soldiers. 

" Here/' said the guide, as we halted in the middle 
of a large clover-field on the side of a gently-sloping 
hill, " is the place where Marshal Ney made his famous 
charge, inflicting terrific slaughter among the British 
ranks. This is the very spot where five horses were 
killed under him. Here is where the old life-guards 
made their last heroic fight, and while completely sur- 
rounded by Prince Blucher's fresh army they died rather 
than surrender." 

The clover was covered with dark-red blossoms, a 
fit emblem of the crimson tide of human blood that 
deluged that field sixty -eight years ago. The soil was 
immensely rich, — no doubt made so by the blood and 
the bodies of men and horses buried there. 



468 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

I asked the guide if he could point out the spot 
where the gallant Howard fell. He pointed to a small 
tree. 

" There is the place," said he. " Howard died 
under that tree." 

There is a large mound several hundred feet high 
thrown up in pyramidal shape near the spot occupied 
by Wellington's centre during the battle. On top 
stands a bronze statue of an enormous lion, the tail 
of which was broken off by the French a few years 
ago. 

"This," said the guide, pointing toward a deep 
ravine, " is the sunken road where the French cavalry 
were ensnared, and thousands destroyed by plunging 
in on one another. To that terrible accident, and to 
Grouchey's failure to come up in time, may be attrib- 
uted Napoleon's downfall," he carelessly remarked, as 
he tossed a little rock into the ravine. 

" The British won the fight by foul play," said 
Dick. " It was a fair fight until Bliicher interfered, 
which, to say the least of it, was a very scurvy 
trick." 

"Colonel," said the Judge, "we have thoroughly 
surveyed the whole field, and now we would be glad 
to have the benefit of your judgment as to which army 
had the best position." 

My very soul swelled with self-importance ; my 
heart throbbed quick and loud with delicious joy to 
think that the ladies were trembling with anxiety to 
hear my military opinion. I straightened my elegant 
form up to five or ten inches above its full height, and 



RAPID RAMBLINOS IN EUROPE. 469 

then and there delivered an opinion which would un- 
doubtedly have found its way into the annals of history 
and crowned my name with imperishable glory but for 
a most deplorable accident. I began thus : 

" Ladies and gentlemen, it is very true that I have 
had a considerable quantity of military experience. I 
have witnessed many a hard-fought battle where human 
blood flowed as free as water. I always occupied a 
position" — I did not tell them it was behind a tree 
with a field -glass — "where I could accurately judge of 
the geographical advantages one army had over another. 
I have carefully examined the respective positions held 
by the British and French on the day of the great 
battle. I have thoroughly considered this matter, and 
have arrived at the conclusion that Napoleon had a 
decided advantage over Wellington in regard to posi- 
tion. That long, high ridge yonder, is where the em- 
peror massed his forces, while his artillery occupied 
these heights to the left. The cavalry held that long 
slope on your right, while Jerome with his corps 
covered that knoll down yonder." 

The ladies were charmed with the eloquence of my 
graphic description. I was delighted with the impres- 
sion I had made, and paused a moment to receive their 
thanks when Dick said, — 

" I beg your pardon, colonel, but you have got the 
two positions reversed. The one you have so elo- 
quently described as Napoleon's position, was the one 
occupied by Wellington." 

" That is true," said the guide. 

I saw the ladies winking at one another, and well 
40 



470 RAPID RAMB LINGS IN EUROPE. 

knew that I was exposed unless I could extricate ray- 
self by strategy. 

" Very true, gentlemen," said I, carelessly. " It is 
a source of the most profound satisfaction to me to 
know that you do really comprehend the great ad- 
vantages that Wellington had over Napoleon as to 
position. When speaking of that tall ridge and point- 
ing out its superior advantages, I very well knew it 
was occupied by the British army, but I assigned it 
to Napoleon merely to see whether you really under- 
stood it or not. I thought probably your sympathies 
were with the French, and that, — and that — er-er; 
and that — er — " 

" The villain still pursued her," said Dick, which 
remark absolutely quashed me. 

A roar of laughter now greeted ray ears, and I 
was undone, vanquished, annihilated, and completely 
shelved. 

" It is the opinion of the Court," said the Judge, 
" that the colonel should at once take his place at the 
foot of the class." 

" The opinion of the Court is such as to meet the 
unanimous approbation of the brigade," replied Chit- 
tenden. 

Consequently I went foot, but had the good luck to 
turn Dick down next day. 

We wound up our day's work at Waterloo by an 
examination of the museum of curiosities and relics, 
which was filled with old sabres, swords, flags, mus- 
kets, pistols, shells, cannon-balls, and thousands of 
implements of war that had been used in the battle. 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 471 

A long showcase was filled with human skulls, with 
their orbless sockets staring up at us through the glass. 
I was forcibly reminded of the sensible remark made 
by Sir John Falstaff, when gazing at the dead body of 
Sir Walter Blount, at Shrewsbury, " I like not such 
grinning honor as Sir Walter hath." The sentiment 
so elegantly expressed by the fat knight entirely agrees 
with mine. If Madam Fortune should ever take a 
notion to thrust honors upon me, I hope she will not 
postpone it until after I am dead. I want no grinning 
honors in mine. 

We left Brussels at seven o'clock on Friday morn- 
ing, and arrived at Cologne at four p.m. We found 
two objects worthy of attention here, the grand old 
cathedral and the bone depot. The Germans some- 
how manage to attach to every castle, cathedral, cave, 
crag, and mountain a legend which may be considered 
nonsense. They have stored away here a cargo of 
bones large enough to make a load for Noah's ark, 
which they allege to be the bones of eleven thousand 
virgins who were murdered by the Huns. They have 
them corded up in grated cells, where, for a trifling fee, 
visitors may witness the interesting exhibition. I dare 
say that many a graveyard and battle-field has been 
ransacked to furnish the material for this great show. 
Indeed, if there are not many sheep and dog bones 
mingled with the rest, our guide was mistaken. I 
make no charge to that effect myself, being no judge 
of sheep and dog anatomy. 

Here is the substance of the legend concerning the 
eleven thousand virgins: In the thirteenth century, 



472 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

Ursula, the beautiful and only daughter of the hea- 
then king of Britain, was solicited in marriage by a 
German prince, Coman. She rejected the hand of 
the prince, but an angel appeared to her directing her 
to accept him, and saying that she should receive the 
blessing of God and be the instrument in saving the 
soul of the prince. The angel further instructed 
Ursula to call upon her father the king for a retinue 
of virgins to accompany her on a pilgrimage to Rome, 
and to make the trip before she consummated her mar- 
riage with the prince. God put it into the heart of 
the king to comply with her request ; consequently he 
caused eleven thousand virgins to be placed under the 
command of Ursula. She set out immediately on her 
pilgrimage to the holy city of Rome, escorted by the 
aforesaid eleven thousand virgins. After a considera- 
ble time spent in marching over hills, dales, and moun- 
tains, and making stormy voyages by sea, etc., they 
arrived safe under the roof of the pope, who blessed 
and refreshed them; and after they were sufficiently 
rested he again blessed them, and, loading them down 
with good advice, bade them farewell. Soon after 
leaving Rome the prince met his sweetheart, Ur- 
sula, and married her ; and while the virgin army 
were marching homeward, he and his wife were enjoy- 
ing a delightful honeymoon. The aforesaid honey- 
moon came to an abrupt termination, on account of 
the impoliteness of an army of Huns, who straight- 
way killed the whole virgin army, and did not even 
spare Ursula and her husband, and their bones were 
collected and deposited in a church named St. Ursula, 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 473 

where they may be seen even unto this day. I have 
seen them with my own eyes. On account of her 
martyrdom, Ursula is worshipped as a saint. In the 
church which is dedicated to her appears a beautiful 
alabaster monument representing St. Ursula reposing 
on a marble, with a pretty, white dove standing at her 
feet. 

The grand cathedral is unsurpassed in point of archi- 
tectural magnificence, though it is not entirely finished. 
It was commenced early in the thirteenth century, and, 
strange to say, a large number of workmen are yet 
employed on it. One side of it was fenced in by an 
immense framework or scaffold, on which I saw many 
men at work. The interior presents a scene of gran- 
deur and beauty which is not equalled anywhere else 
in Germany. Enormous Gothic columns reach from 
the floor to the roof, which for size, length, and artistic 
finish surpass any in St. Peter's, at Rome. Some of 
the finest paintings in Europe are to be seen here, rep- 
resenting Biblical scenes and Christian martyrs. 

An absurd legend is told about this cathedral which 
gives his^club-footecl majesty, the Devil, credit for hav- 
ing furnished the original plan for its construction. 
The legend, in substance, says that a famous architect 
was appointed by the bishop to draw up and furnish 
a plan of the contemplated edifice. He was required 
to have the drawings and the specifications all com- 
pleted by a certain day, on which all the dignitaries of 
the church were to assemble for its inspection and 
adoption. He went to work with a Christian zeal 
worthy of success, but somehow his brain got sullen ; 

40* 



474 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

his mind refused to respond to the heavy draughts 
drawn upon it. In point of fact,- he was about to 
make a disgraceful failure. One dark, stormy night, 
while feverish with despair, he was bathing his hairless 
head in the torrents of rain that luckily happened to 
be falling in his neighborhood, when his Satanic Ma- 
jesty appeared riding a-straddle of a streak of lightning. 
The infernal king sprang from his electric steed, and 
politely introduced himself to the distressed architect ; 
at the same time drawing a bottle of liquor from his 
pistol-pocket, he asked him to take a " smile." The 
architect at first begged to be excused, stating that he 
was not in the habit of dissipating after supper, lest 
his wife might smell his breath and raise a row about 
it. But Satan, as we all have heard, never allows 
" fail" to be written in his diary. He had made up 
his mind to capture the soul of the half-witted artist, 
therefore he proceeded to use such persuasive means as 
he knew would prevail. No sooner had the old gentle- 
man swallowed one draught of the liquor than he 
wanted another, which, of course, was not refused. As 
is usual in such cases, the spirits of the artist became 
exuberant and social, when he, in a brief manner, 
unbosomed his secrets to his companion. When Satan 
saw that his victim was sufficiently inebriated he drew 
from his breast-pocket a handsomely-executed plan of 
a cathedral, and agreed to sell it to him on a short 
credit. The liberal terms were at once accepted. 

" Just put your signature to this little bond," said the 
Devil, " and the plan is yours." 

" I have no pen and ink," replied the artist. 



RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. 475 

" Oh, that is easily remedied," rejoined the Devil. 

He drew from his other pocket a human rib, sharp- 
ened like a pen, extracted a few drops of blood from 
the artist's extended wrist, and dipping the point of the 
rib in the blood, handed it to the artist. 

"Sign!" said Satan. 

As the bond was signed a lake of brimstone, all 
ablaze, flowed around them. 

His Satanic Highness had up to this stage of the 
proceedings concealed his long tail, which was ingeni- 
ously coiled up into a very small bulk ; but now he 
unravelled it and made it whiz in fiery circles around 
his head, cleaving the air, making it pop like the re- 
port of a rifle-cannon. 

" Now, Mr. Architect," said he, " I have made a fair 
contract with you. You have sold your soul for fame, 
— a bauble, a worthless fancy, an immaterial substance. 
You are not the first fool, albeit, who has made such a 
barter; hell is lathed and plastered with the souls of 
ambitious idiots like you. Go, present your plan to 
the bishop ; he will accept it, and you will be famous. 
If you would know the number of months that shall 
pass ere I claim your soul, count how many times my 
body is now encircled by my tail." 

With chattering teeth and trembling limbs the artist 
stood petrified with fear before the horrible fiend. 

" Hast thou numbered them ?" growled Satan. 

"Alas, yes," groaned the frightened artist; "there 
be only twelve circles." 

" Thy count is correct ; thy soul is mine at the end of 
twelve months, at which time I will demand it of thee." 



476 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

Then the arch-fiend popped his tail a dozen times, 
remounted the streak of lightning that had been hitched 
to a tree hard by, and disappeared in a cloud of sul- 
phuric smoke. 

On the next day the grand convocation of church 
dignitaries met to consider the plans and specifications 
of the contemplated cathedral, and unanimously en- 
dorsed those which Satan had furnished the architect. 
The foundation was immediately laid, with great cere- 
mony, and the walls began to rise ; but the structure 
has never been finished. It is believed now that it 
never will be completed, because the plan of the edifice 
was the invention of the Devil. 

The name of the artist was carved on a large block 
of stone, and worked in the wall. He died just one 
year after the plan was approved, and his body was 
buried in the cathedral. Whether or not Satan got the 
soul is a question open for debate, as the legend is 
entirely silent on that subject. 



RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. 477 



CHAPTER XXXYI. 

Wiesbaden", August 19. 

Dark, angry clouds hung low and still over the 
turbid waters of the Rhine on Saturday morning as 
we boarded a boat at Cologne bound for Biebrich. 
The atmosphere was cold and disagreeable, creating a 
brisk demand for shawls, cloaks, and overcoats. Hun- 
dreds of men and women shivered on deck as the boat 
backed out from the quay. The usual number of 
poodle-dogs yelled like young panthers, while excited 
children screamed a few octaves higher. If Nimrod 
had been there, he would have cursed the day that he 
founded Babylon, thereby incurring the displeasure of 
God, which resulted in the confusion of languages. I 
do not know how many different dialects are spoken 
on the globe, but I do know that Dick offered to wager 
cigars for the party that they were all represented on 
that boat, and that no one dared to take the bet. All 
the dogs and a few men and women spoke English, 
while the rest dealt in all sorts, from Choctaw down to 
Low Dutch. It was a great relief to hear a baby cry 
in plain English. 

The boats that navigated the Rhine are so con- 
structed as to afford an opportunity to view the gran- 
deur of the scenery on both banks. The upper deck 
is amply supplied with comfortable seats, while a thick 
tarpaulin protects people from sun and rain. 



478 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

The waters of the Rhine between Cologne and Bie- 
brich are of a dark-yellow color very much resembling 
that of the Mississippi River, but up at Schaffhausen 

they are of a beautiful clear green color. For a distance 
of twenty-five miles above Cologne the face of the coun- 
try that skirts the river on each side is a low, flat plain, 
possessing nothing in the shape of scenery worth atten- 
tion, but above that point we were delighted by the 
wild grandeur of the overhanging crags and cloud- 
piercing cliffs that burst on the view. Madam For- 
tune, who has so constantly favored us since we began 
this tour, did not forsake us on this occasion, for we 
had scarcely hove in sight of the first old castle perched 
on the crest of a lofty crag when the sun came strug- 
gling down through the clouds, soon scattering them in 
every direction, tingeing the rugged heights with a 
sheet of gold. So much has been said and written 
about the innumerable romantic old castles that stand 
like giant sentinels overlooking the Rhine that it might 
appear egotistic in me to attempt to add anything more 
on that subject. Scenes like those cannot be painted 
with brush or described with words so as to set a cor- 
rect picture before one's mind. When Nature exerts 
skill as an artist such as she has exerted on the banks 
of the Rhine, man only exposes his ignorance when he 
undertakes to copy it. I have more than once seen 
pictures of some of the most prominent objects of 
beauty that border the Rhine painted by famous art- 
ists, but after seeing the reality the pictures dwindle 
into insignificance. There is a combination of circum- 
stances that together have made the Rhine scenery by 



RAPID RAMBL1NGS IN EUROPE. 479 

far the grandest to be found in Germany. The large 
number of charming villas, palaces, villages, cities, and 
lofty-towered castles that thickly line the shores have 
only served to adorn what nature has done in other re- 
spects. Sometimes, while we were rapidly gliding up 
the Rhine, we would come to places where it seemed as 
though we were near the finish of the river. 

" Look out !" said Dick ; " here is the end of the 
river," as he pointed to a huge wall of perpendicular 
rocks that rose out of the waters not more than one 
hundred yards ahead of us. 

The ladies, as usual in such cases, sprang into one 
another's arms, and all at the same time exclaimed, — 

" Oh, my ! the boat is going to hit that rock !" 

" I hope it won't hurt the rock," Dick perfunctorily 
remarked. 

But just as the nozzle was about to kiss the rock the 
boat all of a sudden dashed around to the left, when a 
long, straight stretch of water lay before us. Every 
now and then the river would narrow till it appeared 
like a small creek squeezed in between two sky- 
scraping mountains whose tops tried to kiss each other 
across the stream. 

An impression had been wrought on my mind from 
pictures and reading that all those old feudal castles 
were crumbling ruins; consequently, I was agreeably 
surprised to see that many of them were not only in a 
perfect state of preservation, but that some were occu- 
pied by peasants who tilled the soil on the mountain- 
tops. Between Cologne and Biebrich,a distance of less 
than one hundred miles, I counted eighteen castles, all 



480 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

except two of which appeared to be uninjured by the 
ravages of time. Each one has its nonsensical legend 
too simple for a nursery story, but nevertheless the 
Germans make money by retailing them out to travel- 
lers. The time when these castles were built was called 
the age of chivalry. Thousands of conceited vaga- 
bonds, styling themselves knights-errant, wandered 
from place to place meddling with everybody's busi- 
ness except their own. In fact, they bad none of their 
own. Men who have business of their own don't 
meddle with that of others. The world owes a big 
debt to Cervantes, who lashed this absurd nonsense out 
of existence by the scorpion-sting of his humorous wit. 
Those old castles were occupied by robber-chieftains 
calling themselves counts, dukes, barons, and kings. 
The most successful robber was the most honored. 
The wandering vagabonds (knights) were always wel- 
come at the castles, where they were royally entertained 
free of charge. It was their custom to fight for the 
robber who fed the best. When not employed in the 
throat-cutting avocations, they were usually planning 
the destruction of some virtuous maiden. I noticed 
that all the castles are built on top of lofty crags over- 
looking the river, where no approach could be effected 
by an enemy except from one side, which I supposed 
was protected by drawbridges and impregnable walls. 

All the sloping hills on both sides of the Rhine are 
terraced and occupied by thrifty peasants, who culti- 
vate vineyards and raise sheep and cattle. There is 
nothing more beautiful than a view of a mountain-side 
completely covered with green waving grape-vines and 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 481 

shining cottages, one row rising above and behind 
another from the water's edge up to a point above the 
clouds. The terraces are made by erecting stone walls 
eight feet high, then filling in the space until a level 
plot of fifty feet wide is made, then another eight-foot 
wall is erected, when another level tract of land is 
made, and so on until the lofty crest of the mountain 
is reached. If the up-grade is very steep, only a strip 
of level ground fifteen to twenty -five feet wide is ob- 
tained, the width always, of course, varying according 
to the rate of the up-grade. The immense amount of 
labor expended on those narrow strips would naturally 
lead to the conclusion that land was very valuable in 
Germany. For instance, in order to get a level strip 
of land twenty-five feet wide and a mile long, it is 
necessary to erect a stone wall the entire distance and 
then dig down the stony side of the mountain and fill 
in against the wall until a level surface is obtained. It 
seems to me that the actual cost would be sufficient to 
cover the total space with a floor of silver dollars. I 
wonder if those people are aware of the fact that in the 
United States better lands can be bought for twenty- 
five cents per acre ? Indeed, it is a mystery to me why 
people will cling on to those sterile peaks, when by a 
journey of fifteen days they could secure comfortable 
homes for a mere nominal sum. It must be the strong 
affection they feel for the dear Fatherland. 

As the air was laden with all sorts of legends, it was 

not surprising that I should stumble over some of 

them. I happened to meet a sickly little one that had 

been grievously neglected. I pitied it, and determined 

▼ // 41 



482 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

to give it a chance for existence. I sincerely hope I 
shall not be so unlucky as to incur the reader's dis- 
pleasure for bestowing sympathy on such a puny 
concern. 

On the right bank of the Rhine, perched high on 
top of a lofty crag overlooking the river, stand two 
old castles. They are very close to each other, and 
were owned by two brothers. The walls of one of 
them have almost disappeared, while those of the other 
seemed to be as solid as when first built. One is called 
Sternberg, and the other Siebernstein. My neglected 
legend was found straying around Sternberg, and runs 
pretty much thusly : 

Angelletta, a most beautiful maiden (all legendary 
heroines are beautiful), was the daughter of a rich old 
baron who was the most successful robber in all the 
country around about. He entertained numerous vaga- 
bond knights, who aided him in his plundering excur- 
sions. While on one of his raids he met with unex- 
pected resistance from a party of determined young men 
who held a strong position in one of the mountain- 
passes. After a bloody struggle, in which many a 
knight bit the dust, the gallant leader of the young 
men was dangerously w r ounded, when the rest were 
forced to retreat. Fitzhubert, the wounded leader, 
was captured and imprisoned in the tower of Sternberg. 
The old baron determined to chop off the head of 
Fitzhubert as soon as he should sufficiently recover 
from his wounds to enable him to endure the fatigue 
of the amusement. 

Angelletta, meantime, fell in love with the brave 



RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. 483 

young hero and resolved to save his life. We all 
very well know that Cupid is a first-class strategist, 
and never allows locks, keys, or castles to thwart his 
designs. • 

One dark, stormy night Fitzhubert was meditating 
on his approaching death, the day of execution having 
been fixed on the Monday following, and it then being 
Wednesday, when he was startled by hearing some- 
thing fluttering against the iron bars of his window. 
Reaching out, he caught hold of a pigeon that was try- 
ing to get into his cell. It had a paper in its mouth, 
and a small string tied to its leg. The paper contained 
but 'few words, but they were to the point. Here they 
are: 

" Take the bird through the window, then pass him 
out between different bars from those through which 
he comes in, and don't untie the string. You shall not 
die. Angelletta." 

The instructions being strictly obeyed, the string was 
so left that when the pigeon returned to his mistress 
she would have both ends, while the middle was held 
by one of the iron bars of Fitzhubert's cell. Angel- 
letta then fastened a strong rope to one end of the 
string and began to pull on the other. By this process 
the large rope soon took the place of the small string. 
This, of course, enabled her to hoist a complete set of 
burglars' tools — articles which were by no means 
scarce in that vicinity — to her lover's cell. Probably 
the reader has seen sailors stand on the deck of a ship 



484 RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. 

and hoist a flag to the top of a tall mast by means of a 
rope turning through a roller at the top. This is pre- 
cisely how Angelletta managed to furnish her lover 
with the necessary tools to enable fiim to effect his 
escape. 

There was a high cliff near the castle, on which the 
maiden fixed the base of her operation, because she hud 
not overlooked the fact that there was a high wall 
around the castle, over which Fitzhubert would have 
to be helped after he got to the ground. When he had 
succeeded in effecting an opening in the window, he let 
himself clown by the rope, one end of which was still 
held by the maiden. To make the story short, the 
brave youth had the good luck to hold the charming 
girl in his arms at precisely half-past three o'clock. 
Vows of eternal constancy were rapidly exchanged, the 
parting kiss given, and Fitzhubert hastened away to 
rejoin his brave companions. 

The old man fell into a terrible ras;e when he found 
his victim gone, but never for a moment suspected his 
daughter as having anything to do with it. 

Propositions for a treaty were made, which resulted 
in an alliance between Fitzhubert's band and the baron. 
Scarcely a year had passed before Fitzhubert won the 
lasting gratitude of the baron by killing two knights 
who were about to despatch him while he was down 
and unarmed. The old robber was so full of gratitude 
that he invited Fitzhubert to his castle, where he and 
Angelletta had a splendid time. The old baron wil- 
lingly gave his daughter to the gallant youth. • They' 
were married in the presence of a gay company of 



RAPID RAMBLING S IN EUROPE. 435 

knightly robbers and fair ladies. Continual feasting 
and dancing was kept up for many a day and many a 
night. 

One day the old baron was called on to render an 
account of his dark deeds. In plain words, he gave 
up the ghost, which proved fatal, as is usual with such 
accidents. Fitzhubert was converted to Christianity, 
joined the church, did much good, proved a model 
husband, lived long and happily with his beautiful 
wife, and died just two hundred and twenty-seven days 
after the death of Angelletta. Fitzhubert had a beau- 
tiful pigeon carved in white marble and placed over 
the tomb of his beloved wife, which may be seen even 
to this day, provided it can be found. 

There was one point in this legend that I thought 
required explanation. It being a dark, stormy night 
when the pigeon carried the note to Fitzhubert's cell, I 
wanted to know how he managed to read it, and so 
stated my wish to my informant. He said that he was 
not responsible for that, but would, as an accommoda- 
tion to me, make inquiries about it and give me the 
facts on my next visit. 

" While you are making those inquiries," said I, " be 
so good as to ascertain how Angelletta managed to in- 
duce the pigeon to fly directly to the window of Fitz- 
hubert's cell." 

He promised upon honor to do it. 

There are three things that induce me to give 
credence to this legend : the castle is there to show for 
itself; the tall tower is there too, and so is the grated 
window. I have seen them with my own eyes. 

41* 



486 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

It was generally believed that Fitzhubert died from 
sheer grief, because of the death of Angelletta, but the 
doctor said he died with whooping-cough. 

The Lorelei Rock, a lofty crag that rises almost per- 
pendicularly up out of the water a short distance from 
Bingen, has a real charming legend connected with it. 
A beautiful water-nymph called Lore was often seen 
of dark stormy nights seated on the crest of the crag, 
clad in long, loose flowing robes and veil of a deep sea- 
green color, with long blond hair waving about her 
body. This beauteous fairy enchanted the boatmen 
with her siren songs, luring them to destruction by 
drawing them into the awful whirlpool at the base of 
the crag on which she sat. No one was able to resist 
the ravishing music of her voice. A romantic young 
knight, named Hermann, was wandering near the Lore- 
lei Rock one moonlight night, when he beheld the 
lovely fairy seated on the top filling all the air with 
the seductive strains of heavenly music. He fell des- 
perately in love with the beautiful siren, and called 
aloud to her, stretching his arms out toward her. She 
was smitten by the handsome youth, and determined 
to capture him. For this purpose she continued to 
charm him with her sweet voice. Every night the 
lovesick youth left his home and lingered round the 
Lorelei Rock, playing on the zither and calling the 
name of the fair nymph. One night young Hermann 
went floating down the river in a little boat, and when 
near the Lorelei, he struck the strings of his zither and 
began to call the name of the fairy. Her beautiful 
form at once appeared above him. A bright cloud of 



RAPID RAMBLINOS IN EUROPE. 437 

flame blazed around him; thunder shook the rock; 
lightning danced fantastically around Lore; waves 
rolled and danced around Hermann's boat. All of a 
sudden the charming fairy seized the young knight in 
her arms and plunged beneath the waves. Count 
Bruno, the father of Hermann, was sorely distressed 
when he learned the fate of his beloved son, and re- 
solved to destroy the fairy. When, on the following 
night, he approached the Lorelei Rock, he beheld the 
fairy seated in her usual place high above him. 

" Where is my son ?" cried the count, while tears 
streamed from his sorrowful eyes. 

Lore pointed to the turbid waters and began to sing, — 

" There conducted I my darling expected, 
Whom already long since I have selected." 

Then from her lofty seat she plunged down and in- 
stantly disappeared beneath the waves. She has never 
since been seen, but her enchanting tones have often 
been heard murmuring the name of Hermann. 

This legend probably originated from the peculiar 
melody which the wind makes as it murmurs through 
a pretty grotto near the top of Lorelei Rock. 

The first town at which we landed after leaving Co- 
logne was Coblenz, the capital of the Rhine province, 
containing a population of thirty thousand souls. The 
river at this point is spanned by a pontoon bridge, one 
section of which is moved by a steam-engine, so as to 
make space for steamboats to pass. A magnificent iron 
railroad-bridge crosses the river sufficiently high above 
the water to allow boats to pass under it. 



488 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

Bin^en is by far the prettiest town on the Rhine. It 
is located near the water's edge, at the base of a tall, 
sloping mountain that rises to the clouds, the face of 
wh it'h is thickly dotted over with castles, villas, and 
little white cottages. 

Twilight had thrown her gray mantle over Biebrich 
when we landed there. But a few minutes elapsed 
after our arrival before we found ourselves seated in 
open carriages dashing over a splendid level road to- 
ward Wiesbaden, which is only three miles from the 
river. An amusing accident happened to us which was 
the cause of no little merriment afterward. 

Misses Bell, Stevenson, Effie, and I occupied the hind- 
most carriage, while the rest of the party were riding 
in the other vehicles, in front of us, the interpreter 
being on the seat with the driver of the front carriage. 
As we entered the suburbs of Wiesbaden our driver 
stopped his team in order to fix some part of the har- 
ness which had become disarranged, when the other two 
carriages dashed on and were soon out of sight. When 
we got into the city, the driver began to jabber to us in 
German, not a word of which either of us could under- 
stand. Miss Bell replied to him in French, which he 
knew nothing about, for he rejoined in his own dialect. 
I then threw at him a few Dutch phrases the meaning 
of which I did not myself understand, and neither did 
he. All of a sudden he brought his team to a halt and 
delivered a regular German lecture, which probably 
might have been very entertaining if we could have 
comprehended it. It occurred to me that he was ex- 
patiating on the exquisite beauties of the scenery, for 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 489 

which the city is so famous, but we were hungry, fa- 
tigued, impatient, and anxious to reach the hotel, and 
in plain English said so. He dashed away at a sweep- 
ing trot, which was continued until at least a mile was 
passed. Then he stopped and delivered another elo- 
quent lecture, accompanying his remarks with energetic 
gestures which convinced me that he was seriously dis- 
tressed about something. I felt his pulse, laid my hand 
on his feverish brow, peered in his eyes, and pro- 
nounced him dangerously ill. I think he used profane 
language, — at least, I have since heard Germans use 
the same words while very angry, and Charley told me 
they were wicked. 

" Why don't you go on, you old idiot ?" impatiently 
exclaimed Miss Stevenson. "Are you going to sit 
there and jabber nonsense all night ?" 

I now began to address him in angry tones, but he 
shook his head, grinned, looked bewildered, and again 
started on. 

We went whirling along at breakneck speed up one 
street and down another, darting through dark alleys, 
then plunging into public squares all ablaze with bright 
lights. After a three-mile drive we again came to a 
halt, when the third lecture was delivered, in a tone 
several notches higher than that used in the other dis- 
courses. 

The appalling fact that we were lost at last dawned 
on my dull brain. The driver did not know what 
hotel we wanted to go to, neither did we ; and if we 
had known we could not have told him. Now, here 
was a pretty pickle, to be sure, for one to be in ! 



490 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

While meditating on the unpleasant predicament I 
heard an old clock strike ten, which had the effect to 
increase my impatience. All the ladies were talking 
to the driver at the same time, one in French, one in 
English, and the other in all sorts except the right 
one. 

" Oh, my ! I am starving to death !" exclaimed Effie, 
as she punched the floor with her parasol. 

" Nothing can possibly save me," replied Miss Bell ; 
" it is a melancholy fact that there will be a second-class 
funeral in Wiesbaden to-morrow." 

" Put me in my little bed," muttered Miss Steven- 
son, as she nestled down close to Miss Bell ; " if we 
have to camp in the streets, it is time to go to sleep." 

I at last became reckless, and resolved to raise a row 
so that the police would take notice of it. Leaping on 
the seat by the driver, I snatched the reins out of his 
hands. He attempted to retake them, when I shoved 
him off and started toward the square, where a large 
crowd of men were seated on benches drinking beer 
and smoking pipes. The driver came running behind 
yelling at the top of his voice. I stopped near the 
crowd, rose to my feet, and in a loud voice cried, — 

" If there be a gentleman in the crowd who can 
speak a civilized language, it is in his power to save 
the lives of four American citizens who are sorely 
beset by unfavorable circumstances too tedious to men- 
tion !" 

A tall, handsome man, with long black whiskers and 
moustache, approached the carriage and in plain Eng- 
lish said, — 



RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. 491 

" What can I do for you, sir ; and what is the mat- 
ter?" 

I hurriedly stated the case, telling him how we got 
separated from the rest of our party. 

" What hotel do you wish to find ?" he inquired. 

" I don't know," was my answer. 

A hearty laugh followed this information. 

" Indeed, sir, I cannot see how I can serve you un- 
less you can tell what hotel you wish to stop at." 

" I could easily do that if I knew it myself," was my 
reply. 

He, however, took a seat by the driver, and after 
speaking a few words to him in German we went dash- 
ing down the street. 

"There are three hotels here where Americans do 
most often congregate," said the long-whiskered gen- 
tleman ; " we will go to each one, where it is probable 
that you may find your friends." 

At half-past eleven o'clock we found the rest of our 
party, who had been sorely distressed about us. Half 
a dozen messengers had been despatched to hunt for us. 
It was a good joke to laugh about after it was over, but 
it was not so very funny to us while wandering around 
the streets half starved. It was not by any means 
necessary for any one to rock me to sleep that night. 
I went of my own accord. 

Bright and early next morning I hurried toward the 
famous warm springs, where I saw several ladies drink- 
ing the health-restoring beverage. I walked up to the 
counter and called for a glass of the water, which was 
promptly dipped out and handed to me by a rosy- 



402 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

cheeked maiden who seemed to be engineering that de- 
partment. I quickly filled my mouth with the water, 
and much quicker unfilled it by spurting the scalding 
fluid in every direction. The skin was effectually 
scalded off my tongue. Everybody present began to 
laugh at me, while a couple of poodle-dogs set up a 
shrill yell. Half a dozen squabby urchins pranced 
around shouting with joy at my discomfiture. I had 
seen others drinking the water, but it had not occurred 
to me that they gave it time to cool before attempting 
to swallow it. In plain terms, I had played my usual 
rule of dunce to perfection. It is a melancholy fact 
my tongue was a confirmed invalid for two days. 

The most of the city of Wiesbaden consists of shady 
parks and spectacles. A uniformed soldier may now and 
then be seen. I candidly believe I did not see as many 
as ten thousand in the town. Swell-head nobility is a 
spontaneous production here ; a count doesn't count at 
all ; nothing below a duke is considered worthy of notice. 

I took a walk with the king of Belgium on Sunday 
evening. He was strolling leisurely along in front of 
the hotel, in a shady path, and I deliberately began to 
walk by his side, merely to show that an American 
citizen was not ashamed to be seen in a king's com- 
pany. I moved along, paying no particular attention 
to him ; neither did he take the slightest notice of me. 
The supreme indifference was remarkable, but very 
mutual. 

The climate here is delightful. It is neither too hot 
nor too cold, but of that medium temperature which 
invigorates the system. Many thousands of visitors are 




HARRY LUDLOW. 

(The Young Artist.) 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 493 

here, representing nearly every nation on the globe. 
The curative virtues of the water are said to be equal to 
those of the famous Hot Springs of Arkansas. Those 
who seek health or pleasure can readily find both here. 
The streets are charmingly beautiful. Hotels are as 
plentiful as are priests in Genoa. Cascades, fountains, 
flowers, sweet music, pretty women, diamonds, blooded 
steeds, and blue lakes contribute their respective quotas 
toward the general stock of attractions to be seen in 
Wiesbaden. 

Henry Ludlow, wife, and son have been travelling 
with us for the last ten days, and will continue with us 
to the end of the tour. Harry, the son, is a lad of 
thirteen, possessing a remarkable talent for drawing; 
indeed, if he does not turn out to be a real artist, it will 
be his fault, and not the fault of Nature, for she has 
endowed him with the necessary genius. While sailing 
up the Rhine I requested him to draw a sketch of 
Sternberg Castle for me. I had no idea that my re- 
quest would be heeded at all ; in fact, I spoke more in 
jest than in earnest. But a short time afterward this 
embryo artist presented me with a most beautiful pic- 
ture of the old castle, showing every feature with un- 
erring distinctness. Towers, battlements, broken walls, 
windows, doors, and everything appertaining to the 
magnificent ruin was accurately traced, so that any one 
could readily recognize it. If my skilful little artist 
continues to draw pictures for me in future as he has 
done in the past, I shall soon have a bountiful supply 
of them. I undertook to draw a castle myself, but 
Harry says I drew a tanyard. 

42 



494 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 



CHAPTER XXXVIL 

EOTTERDAM, August 24. 

On Monday we returned to Cologne by a Rhine 
steamer. The weather was all that could be desired ; 
indeed, there was an indescribable charm in the atmos- 
phere that made me feel discontented when not con- 
tinually moving. The crests of the lofty crags and 
castles were glittering in the bright rays of the rising 
sun like vast heaps of gold and silver that had been 
melted and mingled together in equal quantities. 

When we arrived at Cologne, we found it full of 
soldiers, marching and countermarching in every di- 
rection. All along the frontiers of Emperor William's 
dominions everything appears to stand on a war footing, 
France and Germany are growling at and watching 
one another like angry tigers, eager to lap each other's 
blood. It would seem that war between these two 
powers is inevitable at no distant day. Satan's hatred 
for Divinity is not greater than that which the French 
have for the Prussians ; in fact, there is no love squan- 
dered by either party for the other. 

Soon after breakfast on Tuesday morning, while 
Charley was settling the hotel bill, the brigade assem- 
bled in the parlor and unanimously instructed me to 
write a resolution expressing our thanks to our inter- 
preter for the faithful service he had rendered. I 
hurriedly wrote the following words: 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 495 

" Cologne, August 21, 1883. 

"Charles Shurg, Esq. 

" Dear Sir, — As the end of the tour for which you 
have been our agent and interpreter is now near at hand, 
we embrace this opportunity of expressing our high 
appreciation of the faithful and efficient services you 
have performed for us. We have found you faithful, 
patient, generous, and prompt. "We sincerely thank 
you for the innumerable acts of kindness for which we 
are your debtor. As the time is drawing nigh when 
we are to part with you, we beg to assure you that 
wherever you go you will carry with you our heartfelt 
wishes for your success and happiness through life." 

The paper was then signed by each member of the 
party, when Dick was instructed to bring Charley in to 
hear the composition read. 

I saw a humorous twinkle in Dick's eye as he beck- 
oned me to follow him. 

" Make a speech to him," said he ; " make him think 
we are all angry. Charge him with all sorts of ras- 
cality; stir him up; accuse him of misappropriation 
of our funds. Invent numerous charges and hurl 
them at him. When he gets fully heated up, then 
read the resolution." 

u Will you promise to keep him off me while I am 
performing this hazardous task ?" I inquired. 

" Certainly. You can trust me for that." 

" You would better let the Judge into the secret, and 
get him to sit close to Charley while I am speaking. I 
am afraid you alone could not hold him off me." 



496 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

The plan was revealed to the Judge, who agreed to 
guard the left wing, while Dick should watch the right. 

" Take a seat there, Mr. Shurg," said I, as Dick led 
him in ; "I wish to have some conference with you. 
It is with feelings of profound regret that I now ad- 
dress you, Mr. Shurg. We have confided in you ; we 
gave you unlimited control of our purses ; we thought 
you were honest." 

" I bees honest !" he exclaimed, as he sprung to his 
feet and gazed earnestly in my face. " Vot man shall 
say I not bees honest gets von head proke, den von ear 
he gets cut off, his veins bees all cut in two, den he 
bees kilt !" 

Notwithstanding the fact that Dick and the Judge 
were standing firmly at their posts, I could scarcely 
muster up the courage to proceed. 

" If you will sit down," I continued, " and remain 
silent until you have heard all I have to say, we may 
perhaps reach an amicable understanding. Every 
member of this party will endorse what I am going 
to say. You have been stealing." 

As Charley made a sudden spring toward me Dick 
grabbed his right arm, while the Judge seized the 
other, the ladies, who had not been let into the 
secret, were terribly shocked. 

" Why, colonel, I am surprised at you !" exclaimed 
Miss Bell, as her cheeks grew red with anger. " I my- 
self have a hundred times heard you say that you 
would trust your entire fortune with Mr. Shurg." 

" So have I !" indignantly exclaimed Miss Steven- 
son. 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 497 

"Yes, colonel," said Dick, "you well know that 
you have said it a thousand times. But speak out ; if 
you have any more to say, say it now. I believe my 
friend is honest, and I will stand by him to the bitter 
end. If you have slandered my generous friend, be 
assured that you shall answer for it dearly. Mr. 
Shurg shall sit down here and calmly listen to all you 
have to say. Then he and I will take such steps as 
wounded honor demands and circumstances may re- 
quire." 

Charley reluctantly resumed his seat, while looking 
daggers at me. " Me cut your head off and kill you 
too ven you don't can speak de fact." 

" I expect if you would chop his head off you would 
kill him," exclaimed Dick, as he gave a humorous 
wink with his right eye. 

I was by this time convinced that brevity was ne- 
cessary, as the ladies were about to leave the room in 
disgust, while Charley was looking savagely at me. 
There was a peculiar expression about his eyes that 
caused an uncomfortable feeling to possess me. I 
thought he was watching for an opportunity to knock 
me down before Dick and the Judge could catch him. 
Consequently, I terminated the business in these few 
words : 

" Mr. Shurg, you will please bear in mind that I 
have not charged you with stealing money ; and had 
you not interrupted me, I was going to say that you 
had stolen the affections of every member of this party. 
This I am able to prove by documentary evidence 
which I hold in my hand." 
99 42* 



498 RAPID RAMBLINOS IN EUROPE. 

I then proceeded to read the resolution. I distinctly 
saw tears glistening in his honest eyes as he grasped 
my hand and made it ache with the powerful squeeze 
he gave it. 

Throwing my head back and exposing my bare neck, 
I said, "Now Charley, is your time to take off my 
head." 

"Me drown you in champagne, den cut off de 
head," he promptly replied, as he went out. 

He soon returned with a dozen bottles, out of which 
the corks instantly flew, and a lively time indeed did 
we have. It was quite amusing to hear him trying to 
describe the thoughts that flitted through his mind 
while I was delivering my speech. The main idea 
that seemed to have troubled him most was the 
thought that a thief had really stolen a large sum 
of money from the party, and that we were about 
to charge him with it. The truth is, Charley is the 
very soul of honor, and it would be dangerous to 
touch him on that point. He had scarcely recovered 
from a serious wound received in a duel three months 
ago. 

We left Cologne at an early hour on Tuesday morn- 
ing, and arrived at Amsterdam at nine o'clock in the 
evening. When we reached the hotel, we were in- 
formed that all the rooms were occupied. We drove 
to another hotel, where we were met with the same 
information. I did not keep an account of the number 
of hotels at which we sought and failed to secure lodg- 
ing, but I do not think they exceeded fifteen hundred. 
If there were any in the city at which we did not 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 499 

apply, they were stables and flatboats, whose owners 
were dead or so drunk they could not hear our lamen- 
tations. The international exhibition had attracted 
about ten times as many people there as the hotels 
could accommodate. 

After having squandered many an eloquent oath in 
the empty air, we took a train for the Hague, where 
we arrived at midnight, half starved and wholly 
exhausted. We* straightway proceeded to seek admis- 
sion at fifteen hotels, at which the same old tune that 
was persistently sung at Amsterdam, greeted our ears, 
— no vacant rooms. We offered liberally to pay for 
the privilege of sleeping on a carpeted floor, but the 
floors had been taken long before our arrival. 

" Alas !" cried Dick ; " little did my mother think 
when she so fondly dandled my infant form on her 
knee, that her darling boy would be forced to die of 
starvation among heathens in a. foreign land. Colonel, 
my dying request is that you will break the news of 
my sad fate gently to my mother. As a token of my 
high regard for you I will give you my cigarette- 
holder; it is very fine and costly. I gave five sous 
for it in Rome." 

Then he fell back on the carriage cushion, closed 
his eyes, and went to sleep. The truth is, Dick could 
double himself up and sleep soundly on a dry-goods 
box or a bale of hay, or anything else that could offer 
three square feet of surface. 

Charley proposed to knock a policeman down, so as 
to insure quarters in the station-house ; but the Judge 
opposed the plan, as he thought it might be easier to 



500 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

get in than out. The carriage-drivers began to indulge 
in Dutch profanity, threatening to dump the brigade 
in the streets unless we would agree to pay double fees 
for sleeping in their vehicles. Charley replied to them 
in vehement language, which, if translated into Eng- 
lish, would not look well in print. This put a qui- 
etus on them for a while. 

At three o'clock in the morning: we found a land- 
lord who agreed to furnish a room for the ladies, 
which was, of course, eagerly accepted. This arrange- 
ment would leave room for the men to sleep in the 
carriages, provided no other quarters could be obtained. 
But after another hour's rambling about the streets we 
found a third-class restaurant, the keeper of which 
promised to furnish us a cold luncheon and sleeping- 
room on the floor of the garret. The manner in 
which we despatched cold beef, mutton, and hard 
bread convinced the proprietor that he had failed to 
strike a bonanza by taking us in. 

Shurg put his fruitful wits to work, and by the 
utterance of a score of palpable falsehoods convinced 
the landlord that I was a distinguished American 
general, closely related to the President of the United 
States ; that I was accompanied by my staff, of which 
he was the chief. This skilful stratagem secured 
mattresses and blankets for the brigade, which were 
spread on the parlor floor. The gray waves of day- 
light began to roll up from the east before we got to 
bed. At ten o'clock I was awakened by loud talking. 
The proprietor was endeavoring to arouse Dick and 
Charley by tugging at their heels with a broom- 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 501 

handle. At length Dick rose to a sitting posture, 
rubbed his face with his hands, a-nd said, — 

" What ! will you make a younker of me ? Shall 
I not take mine ease in mine inn but I shall have my 
pocket picked ?" 

u He says breakfast is waiting," replied Charley. 

The breakfast was better than we had reason to ex- 
pect, considering the surroundings. A pet pig floored 
me at the foot of the stairs by running between my legs. 
An American hog. could run between one's legs without 
tripping him, but Dutch swine are rather bulky to per- 
form such feats nicely. The Dutch pig politely apolo- 
gized by proxy for the accident, and I was appeased. 

Immediately after breakfast we repaired to the hotel 
where we had left the ladies. They were ready to set 
out on a tour of inspection of this curious but beauti- 
ful city. We enjoyed a pleasant drive two miles out 
to the queen's woodland palace. The road passes 
through a vast wilderness of lofty beech-trees, the 
dark-green foliage of which is so dense as to exclude 
the sun's rays and cast a twilight tinge on every visi- 
ble object. We were met at the front door of the 
palace by an ancient female, who politely invited us 
to enter. The largest and most beautiful room in the 
palace is known as Princess Amelia's apartment. All 
the walls and ceiling are covered with excellent paint- 
ings by the best Dutch masters. 

A life-sized picture of two beautiful women attracted 
my attention. 

" Those," said our guide, " are the two wives of 
Rubens, painted by himself." 



502 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

One was a blonde, the other a brunette. I have seen 
nothing superior to those two pictures, and but few to 
equal them. No matter to what part of the room I 
went, they seemed to be watching and smiling at me 
all the while. Only a very short stretch of fancy is 
required to enable one to hear them breathe. I was 
forcibly struck by the exquisite texture of their dresses. 
The fabric was so delicately woven and so very fine as 
to be wholly invisible to the naked eye; indeed, with 
my large field-glass I could not see it. The old woman 
who conducted us through the establishment said that 
was the style prevalent when those ladies lived. 

The most wonderful curiosity to be seen in the 
woodland palace is a spacious room filled with Chinese 
works of art. The walls of the apartment are covered 
with elegant pictures constructed of cloth and thread 
of various colors, which were all wrought with the 
needle. No painter's brush could add beauty to those 
admirable works ; no artist could improve the charm- 
ing brightness of the colors. Nothing but the closest 
inspection could enable one to distinguish the filigree- 
work from the most delicate tinge made by a painter's 
brush. 

The Hague is undoubtedly the most unique, the 
strangest, city on the Continent. In one respect it re- 
sembles Venice : many of the streets are traversed by 
broad canals, but carriage-roads lie on each side, com- 
pletely canopied by umbrageous trees. In Venice the 
canals fill the whole street; you step from your door 
into a gondola when you go visiting. The Hague is 
the capital of South Holland, has a population of one 



RAPID RAMB LINOS IN EUROPE. 503 

hundred and ten thousand, and is the seat of govern- 
ment, though a little side-show is occasionally exhib- 
ited at Amsterdam in the shape of a nominal govern- 
ment. The king and queen reside at the Hague. 
The surface of the earth is many feet below the level 
of the sea, the water being kept off by enormous stone 
dikes. 

The little kingdom of Holland has been able to 
maintain her place among the powerful nations of the 
earth, not by strength of her armies or by the vastness 
of her population, but by virtue of a title given her by 
the hand of Nature. She could drown an invading 
army in ten hours by opening the flood-gates of her 
dikes and letting the waves of the sea do her fighting. 
The face of the country being lower than the sea would 
lead one to suppose that it was marshy and unhealthy, 
but the reverse of that is true. 

The Dutch women are strong, healthy, and active. 
I never saw one that did not have full round crimson 
cheeks. They possess strength equal to that of the 
men, and may often be seen carrying a load that would 
break a donkey's back. If a Dutch woman were to 
raise a row with me, I would fall down and vociferate 
" murder !" at the start. 

The water in the canals is perfectly clear, notwith- 
standing the fact that it is always still. 

There is no picture more beautiful than the farms to 
be seen between the Hague and Amsterdam. The 
country being perfectly level, nothing obstructs the 
view except the distant horizon, whose bright-blue cur- 
tains seem to hang down on the ground. The farm- 






504 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

houses are of a uniform size, color, and shape, and look 
as if they were built only yesterday. 

An idea that the Dutch were filthy and slovenly in 
their habits had somehow settled itself on my mind; 
I now feel it my duty to apologize for entertaining 
such a thought. Everything in and out of doors, in- 
cluding furniture, floors, clothing, stables, barns, farms, 
and gardens, is as clean as a bank of new-fallen snow 
on a field of ice. One would imagine that everything 
was scoured, washed, and freshly painted every day. 
Dick wagered me a dozen cigars that I could not find 
an idle woman in Holland. I took the bet, and lost it. 

All the citizens are passionately fond of flowers, 
which are abundantly cultivated. I dare say that a 
greater variety may be found here than in any other 
part of Europe. 

A large majority of the population between Amster- 
dam and the Hague is composed of beautiful canals 
and windmills. 

" The greatest mystery to me," said Dick, " is how 
the Dutch women can all wear snow-white caps and 
aprons and work all the time without getting them 
soiled." 

Late in the evening we took a ride down to Sche- 
veningen, a charming watering-place on the seashore, 
about two miles from the Hague. An excellent band 
was filling the air with good music, while thousands 
of gayly-clad people were enjoying the delightful sea- 
breeze. Many bathers were disporting themselves in 
the water. Some of the most elegant villas to be found 
on the Continent are situated at this point. 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 505 

Lager beer is the national beverage in Holland, and 
after seeing so much of it drank one would think it 
flowed spontaneously from all parts of the earth. A 
young Dutchman takes to lager beer just as naturally 
as a young duck takes to water. If they do not swim 
in beer, it constantly swims in them; which is equally 
as comfortable. 

On Thursday morning we visited Amsterdam for the 
purpose of seeing the sights of the grand international 
exhibition, then in full blast there. I was perfectly 
bewildered by the vastness of the whirling crowd and 
the confusion of languages. The brigade became de- 
moralized and dispersed in every direction, and it re- 
quired no small amount of patrolling to reorganize it. 
I don't think there were more than three hundred 
thousand people endeavoring to ride on a dozen street- 
cars at the same time. I felt like a little grain of sand 
in the middle of an African desert, — that is to say, I 
felt like I imagine such an article feels, never having 
heard one express its sentiments. I managed to get 
very badly separated from the rest of the party. When 
I attempted to purchase an admission-ticket with 
French gold the lady who engineered the office de- 
livered an eloquent lecture in Low Dutch, which I did 
not exactly comprehend, though I failed to get the 
ticket. I can talk Dutch splendidly when I have my 
mouth full of hot mush, but when it is empty I cannot 
sound the proper key. But for Charley's energy and 
thoughtfulness I never would have seen the Amster- 
dam exhibition. He had waylaid the main entrance 
to watch for stray members of his party, anticipating 
w 43 



506 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

the trouble they would encounter in gaining admis- 
sion. 

I suppose the show would have been very interesting 
to me if I could have spent two or three months in 
its examination, but, as my time was limited, I could 
make only a wholesale investigation. At the end of a 
four-mile tramp among the curiosities on exhibition, I 
took a seat on the back of a marble lion to rest, when 
I was startled by loud shouts vented by the crowd 
near me. 

"What's up now, Charley?" said I. 

" De king and queen bees coming," was his reply. 

A tall man with a billiard-cue in his hand came 
along and ordered the people to stand back, poking his 
stick at the stomach of those who did not promptly 
obey. A wide lane being opened in the vast crowd, a 
momentary silence prevailed, while all stretched their 
necks and gazed in one direction. The first man of 
the king's suite who made his appearance was a large 
Newfoundland dog, who marched slowly toward me. 
Next came two red-headed lager-beer barrels of pon- 
derous dimensions; Nature might have at first de- 
signed them for men, but the beer had thwarted her in 
that respect. Next came Leopold and William arm in 
arm, while the young queen of Holland with her 
maids-of-honor inarched immediately behind the two 
kings. 

King William, of Holland, is no liliputian by any 
means. His tall, erect form towered high above that 
of Leopold. He has a huge, round body that seems 
to have been stall-fod all the time. In fact, he is what 




THE QUEEN OF HOLLAND. 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 507 

a Leadville citizen would call beefy. The contrast be- 
tween the two kings, so far as personal appearances are 
concerned, is very great. The king of Belgium has 
rather a delicate body, somewhat below the medium 
height. It does not require the skill of a physiognomist 
to convince one of his superior intellect, for his pale 
face and large, sad eyes have that peculiar expression 
produced only by deep thought and lofty mind. It is 
my opinion that, if any great emergencies should arise 
in Belgium requiring a brainy ruler, young Leopold 
will be able to answer the call. The queen of Hol- 
land is young and pretty, and possesses a tall, symmet- 
rical form, a large quantity of light-brown hair, and 
charming eyes ; she has a proud, stately walk, and a 
countenance beaming with intelligence. She was mod- 
estly dressed in dove-colored silk, trimmed with black 
velvet. There was nothing flashy about her costume, 
— no jewels of any sort. I was considerably flus- 
tered when she suddenly stopped and pointed her 
finger directly toward me, while she smiled sweetly 
and said something to her husband. The old king 
burst into a hearty laugh. Then everybody else 
laughed, while all eyes were turned on me. 

" What did the queen say when she pointed at me ?" 
I inquired of Charley. 

" She said, ' Look at that Egyptian mummy riding 
on an African lion/ " 

In my eagerness to see the king and queen, I had 
climbed on top of the lion's back, and was holding on 
to his mane. The mummy part of the story was manu- 
factured by Charley ; the pretty queen merely called the 



508 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

king's attention to the singular-looking picture. Dick 
declared that she said, " Look, my lord, here is Daniel 
in the lion's den." But he don't understand Dutch. 

Amsterdam is a most beautiful city, some of her 
streets being two hundred and twenty feet wide, and 
lined on each side with magnificent marble edifices, five 
to seven stories high. Beautiful clear-water canals 
traverse many of the streets, all the while covered with 
gayly-painted boats. Many of these boats are occupied 
by families who reside in them all the time. All the 
houses are built on piling, driven from fifty to seventy 
feet in the earth. Amsterdam is the largest city in 
Holland, contains a population of three hundred thou- 
sand, is the capital of the kingdom of the Netherlands, 
and is situated on the banks of the Zuyder Zee. The 
grand palace contains one of the most splendid ball- 
rooms to be found in Europe. It measures ninety feet 
from floor to ceiling, and is lined with fine white 
marble, exquisitely carved and gorgeously decorated. 
This palace was built three hundred years ago. The 
foundation rests on thirteen thousand six hundred and 
fifty-nine piles, driven seventy feet into the ground. 

" The people of Holland are certainly the most pro- 
fane folks on earth," said, Dick. 

" What makes you think so ?" replied Miss Bell. 

" Because everything has a dam connected with it. 
There is Rotterdam, Amsterdam, Heidledam, Plaker- 
dam,and that dammed North Sea. In fact, if you can 
point out anything that is not dammed, I'll set 'em up." 

"It is very true," returned Miss Bell, "that the 
North Sea is damuied, but that is an artificial dam, — 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 5Q9 

very different from the sort of damning that awaits 
you unless you mend your ways." 

" It is the order of the Court that Dick goes foot," 
said the Judge, "and that Miss Bell goes head, and 
Charley pays the costs, — to wit, six good cigars." 

"I bees von dem pack-mule, nohow," exclaimed 
Charley, as he produced the cigars. "Vot you call 
him dot carry men's sins from der wilderness ?" 

" Scapegoat," said Miss Stevenson. 

" Den I bees dem escape de goat vot cary de whole 
wilderness." 

I cannot truthfully say that we enjoyed our visit to 
Amsterdam. The crowd of people was so great that 
we could not traverse the streets with any degree of 
comfort. When we attempted to go to a designated 
place, we invariably went everywhere else. I was 
pretty well done for when we got back to the Hague 
at ten o'clock at night. We had the good luck to 
secure comfortable quarters for the night, which we 
did not fail to enjoy. 

On Friday morning we took the train for Rotterdam, 
where we arrived after an hour's run through a country 
unsurpassed for its picturesque scenery. Innumerable 
straight canals ran parallel with the railroad, and their 
shining waters looked like long, bright lines of melted 
silver. Such a thing as a poor horse or cow is not to 
be seen anywhere in Holland. They are all fat, fine, 
and sleek. 

Rotterdam is situated on the left bank of the Rhine, 
eighteen miles from its junction with the sea. The 
largest ocean-steamers discharge their cargoes on the 

43* 



510 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

pavements, being able to enter the heart of the city 
through the canals that traverse most of the streets. 

We drove from the depot to the Harwich steamer, 
on which we had engaged passage. Depositing our 
baggage aboard, we set out on a tour of inspection of 
this strange old city. The streets are broad, clean, 
well paved, and beautifully shaded by stately elms of 
uniform size and height, in many places the verdant 
branches making an arch entirely across. Signs of in- 
dustry and frugality may be witnessed on every hand. 
I have not seen a beggar since I entered the kingdom 
of Holland, nor have I seen any one clad in soiled or 
ragged clothes. Everybody appears to be happy, 
healthy, and contented. Cows and dogs are all taught 
to work here, and it is astonishing to see what enor- 
mous loads they can pull. The dog works under the 
cart, while his master does duty between the shafts. 
No urging is required to make the dog do his best. 
When it becomes necessary for him to pull hard, he 
gets down to his work in real earnest. When the cart 
stops he lies down under it ; and faithfully guards it 
while his master is absent. 

" Charley," said Dick, " how would you like to be a 
Dutchman's dog ?" 

" I'd rather be a escape de goat vot caries de wilder- 
ness on his back mit de dem sinners, nohow. You 
bees no Dutch dog vot works ; you is von lazy Yankee, 
vot eat and sleep, while you don't wuff a dem." 

Our ship will sail at nine o'clock this evening. The 
prospects for a stormy voyage, I regret to say, are 
looming up in the east, and \v T e are dreading the trip. 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 5H 



CHAPTEK XXXVIII. 

London, August 26. 
Here we are once more in London, safe, sound, com- 
paratively happy, and thankful to Providence for the 
many blessings for which we are His debtor since we 
set out on this tour. The only source of regret that 
now disturbs our minds is the fact that the time is near 
at hand when the brigade must be disbanded. The 
strong ties of friendship that have existed between the 
members of the party cause each one to regret the ne- 
cessity which forces them to say adieu, perhaps for- 
ever. We have shared one another's joys and sorrows ; 
we have learned to love one another like soldiers fight- 
ing in a common cause. A few more days and the 
final " good-bye" must be said. I believe I can truth- 
fully say that no party of tourists ever travelled to- 
gether where a stronger bond of friendship existed 
between the members than that which is felt by each 
individual composing Uncle Sam's brigade. Chit- 
tenden goes from here to study the languages at Dres- 
den. Dickson goes through Scotland and Ireland, then 
sails for home. Mrs. Thacher and her two daugh- 
ters go from here to Paris, where the young ladies 
study the languages. Judge Thacher will sail for 
home soon. Charley will return to his beautiful home 
at Chamounix to spend the winter amid the snow-clad 
mountains near Mont Blanc. Miss Bell, Miss Ste- 



512 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

venson, Effie, and I will sail for New York on the 
30th instant. Mr. Ludlow and family will sail for 
home soon. 

If there is anything in this cold world worth living 
for, it is the strong tie of friendship which binds one 
human heart to another. I know there are many cold- 
hearted people to whom such a sentiment is a total 
stranger. They live, eat, drink, and move, but they 
know nothing about the substantial joys of life. They 
crawl into their graves unwept or uncared for, as a 
snake crawls into his den to lie in a torpid condition 
until thawed out by a summer's sun. How many 
thousands of men creep from the cradle to the grave 
without ever feeling a sentiment of genuine friendship ! 
How many bow down and worship Mammon, sneak- 
ing about among brokers, bankers, and speculators, with 
no love in their hearts for other people, but studying 
how to cheat and deceive a neighbor ! What do such 
people know about the real pleasures of life ? Abso- 
lutely nothing. What advantage are such men to the 
world? None whatever. The most despicable class 
of men are those icy-hearted fellows who smile while 
they cheat, who stab while they kiss, who praise while 
they defraud, who overreach while they pretend to 
help. Every community is cursed with the presence 
of such scamps who, like bloodsucking vampires, sub- 
sist on the effects of others. There, now ! I have let 
off the surplus steam ; I have eased my mind ; I feel 
very much relieved, and will resume my story here. 

Promptly at six o'clock p.m. on Friday we set sail 
from Rotterdam, and after a two-hours' run down the 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 513 

Rhine we floated out on the dark-blue waves of the 
North Sea. The Rhine, like the Mississippi, widens 
out considerably as it approaches the sea, making its 
exit through a low, flat, marshy country. The first 
ten miles of territory below Rotterdam is thickly dotted 
with cosey cottages and shiny villages that present a 
charming picture to the eye from the deck of a ship. 
Vast fields of dark-green verdure spread out as far as 
the eye could see on both sides of the river. The 
whole face of the river was covered with ships, steam- 
boats, schooners, frigates, keel-boats, and every other 
imaginable sort of craft, making it look like a populous 
city. A score of dredge-boats are constantly kept at 
work opening the channel between Rotterdam and the 
mouth of the Rhine. 

The weather behaved itself much better than the 
indications led us to expect. More than half of the 
brigade escaped the scourge of sea-sickness. 

We were delayed in making the landing at Harwich 
on Saturday morning by the dense masses of fog which 
hung like a gray shroud over everything. Indeed, 
after poking her nozzle against half a dozen schooners 
at anchor in the harbor, and causing yells and curses 
to emanate from startled seamen, our ship was forced 
to come to a full stop and wait for the fog to disperse, 
so she could proceed to the quay. After shivering on 
deck for two hours, we were delighted to see the warm 
rays of the sun drinking up the watery vapors by which 
we were surrounded. As soon as we stepped on the 
quay we were captured, bag and baggage, and con- 
ducted to the custom-house, where another hour was 
hh 



514 RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. 

spent in shivering from the chilly morning air. After 
the exhibition of a vast quantity of nonsense and red 
tape by the revenue officers, we were delivered over to 
the railroad officials, who undertook to cram the whole 
brigade into one small compartment. After the ex- 
penditure of much profanity on both sides, we at last 
succeeded in securing seats for the party. Whenever 
Charley undertakes to curse in English, he invariably 
curses himself instead of the other party. I think this 
is very fortunate, for it will keep him out of trouble. 
There are a few Englishmen whom it is dangerous to 
curse. An Italian loves to be cursed ; a Swiss don't 
care anything about it ; a Frenchman will curse back 
at you ; but now and then you will get knocked down 
if you curse Englishmen promiscuously. If Charley 
could curse in English as well as he can in Dutch or 
Italian, he certainly would get his head broke. 

In making the run from Harwich to London we 
dashed out of one town into another so rapidly as to 
make it seem like one continuous row of houses. AVe 
arrived in London in time to enjoy a late breakfast, 
after which we took carriages and set out on a sight- 
seeing expedition. After a delightful drive through 
Hyde Park we visited Madame Tussaud's wax works 
in Portrnan's Square. As we walked in, my atten- 
tion was directed to a group of ladies to the right of 
the door who were smiling at one another, and one was 
pointing her jewelled finger at another's face. 

" Look here, colonel," said Dick ; " there is a lady 
who wishes to speak with you." 

Instantly turning around, I beheld a most beautiful 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 515 

woman with bright-blue eyes, long, light blond hair, 
and tall, stately form, gorgeously clad in orange-colored 
silk. Her pretty neck was encircled by a necklace of 
sparkling diamonds, and a broad band of gold glittered 
on each one of her shapely wrists. Her tapering fingers 
were literally covered with diamond rings. In her 
right hand she held a sheet of paper covered with 
written matter, on the corner of which appeared a large 
round seal imbedded in red wax. She held the paper 
out toward me as her elegant form leaned forward as if 
she was about to throw herself into my arms, her left 
arm was raised on a level with her shoulder, while with 
her left fore-finger she pointed at the paper, which was 
in her right hand. Her pretty eyes were intently fixed 
on me, while with a charming smile she seemed to urge 
me to read the paper. I instantly lifted my hat from 
my head, bowed very low, and extended my hand to 
take the paper. 

" Hold ! What do you mean, sir ?" cried a man 
with a gruff voice, as he seized my arm Avith a strong 
grasp. " Don't you know that Madame Tussaud does 
not allow visitors to touch her figures ?" 

" Allow me to observe, sir," said I, indignantly, " that 
when I want your advice I will ask for it. If a lady 
wishes to speak to me, I reckon she has a right to do 
so whether Madame Tussaud likes it or not. This 
lady here wishes me to read that paper, and I should 
like to see you, her, or anybody else undertake to pre- 
vent it." 

The pretty lady still held the paper toward me, and 
I imagined I could see tears springing from her beau- 



516 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

teems eyes. That appeal was irresistible. I made an- 
other effort to take the paper, when my arm was 
again violently seized. 

" Stop, sir !" cried the man j " this joke has gone far 
enough. You ought to know that that is nothing but 
a wax image." 

Looking around, I saw Dick and Charley convulsed 
with laughter, which they were endeavoring to sup- 
press. Then it was that I realized how cheaply I had 
been sold. 

"You are not the first gentleman that has been 
tricked by that joke," said the man who had prevented 
me from taking the paper. " I am constantly kept 
busy watching visitors who are every day deceived by 
that image just as you have been to-day. Yesterday a 
visitor actually snatched the paper from the hand of 
the image before I could stop him, and he flew into a 
fit of an^er when I tried to take it from him." 

In a little parlor which was gorgeously furnished 
were images of Victor Emmanuel, Garibaldi, and young 
Humbert. Victor Emmanuel was seated on his throne 
with a golden sceptre in his hand and the crown of 
Italy on his head, while Garibaldi was handing him 
the muster-roll of his army. I have seen King Hum- 
bert; I have seen the wax image of him. Place him 
by the side of the image and you could not tell one 
from the other ; he could scarcely do it himself. Fig- 
ures of the royal family, representing Queen Victoria 
and Prince Albert surrounded by their children, con- 
stitute one of the prettiest sights to be seen in this mu- 
seum. All the images are clad in costumes made after 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 517 

the fashion usually worn by the parties represented, 
and in all instances the figures are exactly like those 
whom they are designed to imitate. 

Leaving Madame Tussaud's, we spent a couple of 
hours riding through the principal streets. Judging 
from the name of Rotten Row, I imagined it to be a 
street lined with old rotten houses and crumbling 
ruins, but it is one of the prettiest streets in London. 
When the weather is good it is crowded with eques- 
trians, no carriages being allowed to run on it. The 
national monument to Prince Albert is the most mag- 
nificent piece of art to be seen in Europe; it is one 
hundred and seventy-five feet high, — a Gothic struc- 
ture, canopied with Irish granite. Each corner of the 
base is covered with four marble groups, representing 
Asia, Africa, America, and Europe. The lofty canopy 
is supported by beautiful granite columns. A large 
gilt statue of Prince Albert stands on a marble pedestal 
under the centre of the canopy. Many marble statues 
of notable men are standing around on the pedestal 
outside of the columns. I have seen nothing in Lon- 
don to compare with this excellent work. 

The law of primogeniture in England gives to the 
oldest son all the titles and lands of the sire, which 
often has the effect of seating idiots in the House of 
Lords. I have for many years been dodging the fool- 
killer, but I am not afraid of him now, since I have 
seen the British Parliament. He certainly will not 
bother me while he lets the members of that body live. 
The oldest son may be a thief, a gambler, or an idiot. 
No matter; he takes the lands, while the younger 

44 



518 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

brothers and sisters have no finger in the paternal pie. 
If a rich idiot wants to be a colonel in the army, he 
pays the price of his com mission and goes in ; when he 
becomes tired of his trade, he sells his commission and 
goes out. The government has its price fixed on all 
military commissions, from ensign up to colonel. 
There is no difference between retail and wholesale 
prices; consequently speculators have no showing 
whatever. 

The great mass of the English people are sensible, 
industrious, honest, brave, and educated, but there are 
several thousand titled idiots running at large un- 
branded, unboiled, and unmarked. If the good people 
of England are willing to be taxed to support this 
worthless crew, they have my permission to do so, but 
they ought to cage them instead of putting them in 
Parliament. 

Many years ago there was a statute in Virginia 
disfranchising citizens who did not own two hundred 
and fifty dollars' worth of property. A tricky man 
named McNair was a candidate for sheriff. He gave a 
three-hundred-dollar donkey to one of his disfranchised 
friends to enable him to make the necessary oath re- 
quired of each voter. The voter mounted on the ani- 
mal, rode up, and deposited his ballot, then gave the 
quadruped to another man, who rode him to the polls 
and likewise cast his vote. When the third man, 
mounted on the same animal, attempted to vote, Ned 
Martin, the opposing candidate, who had been watch- 
ing the operation, said, — 

" Stop, if you please, gentlemen ; I challenge that 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 519 

vote. To my certain knowledge that donkey has al- 
ready cast two votes, and I object to his voting any 
more." 

The man swore that he was the owner of the animal ; 
consequently the canvassers were forced to receive and 
count the ballot. 

Martin then resorted to strategy. He induced one 
of his friends to get possession of the animal by mak- 
ing the friends of McNair believe he wanted to vote 
for that candidate. When Martin's friends got posses- 
sion of the long-eared voter, they put him on double 
duty, and made him cast seven votes for their candi-' 
date before the polls were closed. Martin was elected 
by a majority of four votes, and was always thereafter 
known as the donkey sheriff. The price of a long- 
eared voter rose two hundred per cent., but the Legis- 
lature repealed the property-qualification statute and 
thereby ruined many a donkey speculator. If Eng- 
land would repeal her laws of primogeniture, she 
might greatly reduce the number of donkeys in Par- 
liament. 

An intelligent Englishman to whom I had freely 
expressed the above sentiments, after listening to me 
quietly for some time, said, — 

" I regret to be compelled to admit that there is too 
much truth in what you have said. There are no 
idiots or asses in the United States Congress ; they are 
all wise and honorable men. There never have been 
any Credit Mobilier thieves in your Congress; there 
never have been any revenue rogues detected in rob- 
bing your government. Oh, how I wish all our people 



520 RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. 

were wise and honorable like yours ! By-the-bye, is 
there a little town in Massachusetts called Tewks- 
bury ?" 

" Ahem ! ah — er-er — . Ah — er-er — . Please excuse 
me a moment; I left my umbrella up-stairs;" and 
off I went. 

As I walked away I thought I heard him say some- 
thing about a kettle calling a pot black-face, but I 
might have been mistaken as to that. I went down 
another pair of stairs, because I was too much pressed 
for time to discuss the question further with my com- 
panion. 

The most enjoyable sensation experienced by me was 
when I w r as strolling through the gloomy apartments 
of Kensington Palace, because Bloody Mary died here. 
I am sorry she did not die thirty years sooner. Queen 
Victoria was born here in 1819, and George III. died 
here late in the evening of life. It would have been 
of much advantage to England if he had died fifty 
years sooner. 

We took a bird's-eye peep at Lambeth Palace. It 
is located on the bank of the Thames, near the New 
House of Parliament. It is a magnificent edifice, the 
residence of the Archbishop of Canterbury, who, as the 
head of the Church of England, receives the insignifi- 
cant little sum of sixty thousand dollars annually. 
What a blushing shame it is to starve such a great and 
good man ! He gets only ten thousand dollars more 
than the President of the United States. I surveyed 
the outside of Marlborough House, the present resi- 
dence of the Prince of Wales, a rather shabby-looking 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 521 

concern to hold such a noble prince. The invitation 
he gave me to make myself at home in his house 
during my stay in London was not of that cordial, 
pressing sort that I like ; consequently, I remained at 
my inn. I may be doing him an injustice when I say 
I don't believe he wanted my company at his house. 
Apsley House, situated on the corner of Hyde Park, 
is, according to my judgment, one of the prettiest edi- 
fices in London. It was the residence of the late Duke 
of Wellington. 



CHAPTER XXXIX. 

Sunday, August 26. 
The all-absorbing topic of conversation at breakfast 
this morning among the ladies was the prospect of 
hearing Mr. Spurgeon preach. We had been told that 
if we did not get seats at least an hour before the time 
set for services to begin we would not be able to secure 
them at all, consequently, we engaged carriages to start 
with us at ten o'clock, eleven being the time set for 
preaching to begin. We had the good luck to arrive 
in season to get front seats on an elevated platform 
within thirty feet of the pulpit, for which we paid a 
shilling apiece. No fee is charged for general admis- 
sion, but the reserved seats are sold at the price above 
named. In order to accommodate the vast crowds that 
usually go to hear Spurgeon, Exeter Hall had been 

44* 



522 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

rented. Not more than two dozen people were in the 
hall when we entered. 

" I am sure," said Effie, " that there is no lack of 
room in this immense house for everybody who may 
wish to hear Mr. Spurgeon." 

" Indeed/' said Miss Bell, " I agree with you there, 
because this room is nearly as big as all out of doors." 

"To see this house filled with people would be a 
better show than a circus," dryly remarked Miss Ste- 
venson. 

By half-past ten a continuous stream of humanity 
began to pour in at every door, and at eleven not a 
vacant seat could be found in the house, while three 
thousand people were vainly pressing for admission. 
The doors were promptly closed by the police to keep 
out those who could not be accommodated with seats. 
At precisely three minutes past eleven Miss Stevenson 
whispered to Effie, — 

" There he is ! That's him there, shaking hands 
with that tall man with the long white whiskers." 

" How do you know that is he?" inquired Effie. 

"Haven't I seen his picture a thousand times?" 

Miss Stevenson was right. There is something pe- 
culiarly striking about the features of this wonderful 
man not easily described, but, once seen, is never for- 
gotten. He had a much younger appearance than I 
was expecting to see. I knew that he was in the forty- 
ninth year of his age, and was therefore prepared to 
see his head covered with gray locks. His hair is of 
a dark-brown color very slightly tinged with gray, 
while his short, neatly-trimmed whiskers are perfectly 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 523 

black. His eyes are small, but wonderfully expressive. 
His nose is straight and his mouth rather small. The 
upper half of his face and his eyes very much re- 
semble those of Senator Lamar of Mississippi. The 
sound of his voice is perfectly charming, and, though 
he did not speak loudly, it could be distinctly heard in 
all parts of the vast building. His form is straight 
and compactly built, his height somewhat below the 
medium j about five feet ten inches would be my guess. 
He walked briskly up to a little table, picked up a 
hymn-book, gave out a verse, and requested the congre- 
gation to sing, which the people did with a hearty good 
will. The whole congregation rose to their feet, and 
most of them joined in the song in the real old camp- 
meeting style. It reminded me of old times, and made 
me feel delightfully happy. There was no asthmatic 
organ, with its wheezing, squeaking notes, to mar the 
sweet harmony of the music. It was a solemn blend- 
ing of five thousand voices singing praises to the great 
Creator, and it made my very soul leap with joy. 

As soon as the song was ended Mr. Spurgeon invited 
the congregation to join in prayer. The words used 
were plain and simple, but the manner in which they 
were spoken covered them with a charm which seemed 
to lend double force to them. If my memory is not at 
fault, the words of his text were these : " The Lord is 
a God of justice who weighs the actions of men." It 
has never been my pleasure to listen to such a sermon 
before. Mr. Spurgeon is not by any means an eloquent 
orator, as I had been led to believe. The main thing 
that constitutes the peculiar charm of his sermons is 



524 RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. 

his wonderful powers of illustration and the look of 
genuine love, truth, and sincerity that absolutely seem 
to gush forth from his very soul. There is no attempt 
at display, no jaw-breaking words used, no loud, ear- 
splitting eloquence, no ranting gestures, — nothing but 
a sweet melodious stream of wisdom clad in plain but 
fascinating costume. There was no chewing up of 
words or spitting out of sentences. It was a delicious 
banquet of true religion, served in a manner inde- 
scribably good. 

Nine quilldrivers were busy at the reporters' desk 
writing down the sermon for their respective papers. 
How any man could run a pen while such a sermon 
was being preached was an inexplicable mystery to me. 

I was told by a member of Mr. Spurgeon's church 
that he had baptized fifteen thousand people. 

It does not require the skill of a physiognomist to 
convince any one who sees Mr. Spurgeon that his very 
heart, soul, and mind are full of truth, faith, and sin- 
cerity. It is very plain to be seen that he preaches 
what he believes. He is exceedingly popular with the 
English people; members of all other churches love 
and reverence him. The peculiar manner of his dis- 
course had the effect to magnify and parade before 
one's mind all the sins one had ever committed. I had 
been consoling myself with the idea that my skirts 
were comparatively clear; but after listening to his 
scathing rebuke of what men consider insignificant 
crimes, I became convinced that I had much more to 
answer for than I had imagined. When our actions 
and intentions are to be cast into the balances and 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 525 

weighed by Him who cannot be deceived, I fear they 
will cast the beam against us. 

"Men," said Mr. Spurgeon, "judge of our actions 
by their results, but God weighs them according to the 
intention with which they are committed. If Grace 
Darling had failed in her first attempt to rescue drown- 
ing seamen, the world would never have heard of her 
and idolized her as a courageous heroine, but neverthe- 
less her brave attempt would have weighed as much in 
her favor in God's balances as her wonderful successes 
will do." This is the substance of one of Mr. Spur- 
geon's happy illustrations. 

When the remarkable discourse was ended I did not 
have quite so good an opinion of myself as I had before. 
In fact, many little peccadilloes long ago committed and 
forgotten by me, rose up like Banquo's ghost before 
me, and would not down at my behest. Sometimes I 
would imagine that this wonderful man could see and 
read my very thoughts. It seemed to me that by some 
magical power he was unmasking the inmost secrets of 
my soul and holding them up to the gaze of five thou- 
sand spectators. There was a shrinkage of two hun- 
dred per cent, in my self-conceit in the short space of 
one hour. 

I was reminded of an occurrence that is said to have 
happened in an interior town in Kentucky in the days 
when John Newland Maffitt was in his prime. An 
Irishman, while on his way to the church where Mr. 
Maffitt was to preach, passed by a neighbor's house, 
and, pushing open the door, found nobody at home, the 
family having gone to church. Pat happened to see a 



526 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

long roll of sausage hanging on a peg above the mantel. 
Somehow that sausage managed to slip from the peg 
into Pat's bosom, where it snugly remained when he 
entered the church and took a seat close to the pulpit. 
Now it happened that Mr. Maffitt founded his text on 
that commandment which says, " Thou shalt not steal." 
Pat instantly grew restless, and imagined that his guilty 
looks had betrayed him. 

The world may have produced more eloquent 
preachers than Mr. Maffitt, but if it did they were 
very few. He had much to say about petty thieves 
who were continually appropriating to their own uses 
little trifling articles that belong to other people. 
" There are men," said he, " who do not consider it a 
crime to steal fruit, vegetables, and other little articles 
of food ; they do not call it theft. But they need not 
hug that idea in their bosoms. The all-seeing Eve is 
upon them, and can look into their bosoms and see 
what is concealed therein." 

" Faith, and be howly St. Patherick!" exclaimed Pat, 
as he drew the sausage from his bosom and threw it at 
the preacher's feet; "I niver in all the days of me 
life heard sich a divil of a fuss made about a wee bit of 
dirty sausage, at all, at all. Yer honor may hav it, and 
go to the divil with it, if yer please. It's nothing but 
dog meat anyhow." 

Then he marched out, muttering curses against med- 
dling preachers. 

If I had had any stolen goods about my person 
while listening to Mr. Spurgeon, I would not have 
tossed them at his feet, but I certainly would have 



RAPID RAMBLING S IN EUROPE. 527 

thought of urgent business that required my immediate 
attention somewhere else. 

After the conclusion of the services we drove to 
Charing Cross, where we boarded a pretty little boat 
and took a pleasant ride down the Thames so far as 
Woolwich. It was quite refreshing to get out of the 
deafening din of the great city and comfortably sit on 
the deck, where we could get a fair view of the magnifi- 
cent palaces that front the river. 

Notwithstanding the fact that the Thames is scarcely 
a thousand feet wide, it has a channel sufficiently deep 
to accommodate large ocean-steamers, many of which 
we met coming in as we went down. We got a pretty 
fair view of all the bridges that cross the river. Lon- 
don Bridge is built of light gray granite, and has quite 
an ancient, dingy appearance. It is the last one you 
pass under in going from London to Woolwich. The 
bosom of the river was completely covered with boats, 
ships, and other crafts, darting about in every direction. 

From Woolwich we went to Greenwich, the point 
where is located the famous observatory, from where 
longitude is reckoned by the English, and also by many 
others. This is a large town, containing a population 
of two hundred thousand souls. The observatory at 
Greenwich was erected by Charles II. Time is trans- 
mitted throughout England from this point by electro- 
magnetic circuits. 

We returned to London in time to take a look at 
St. Paul's Cathedral. It makes one's head swim to 
gaze up at the lofty dome, which seems to pierce through 
the blue sky like some dark-gray Alpine peak. Some 



528 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

of the finest monuments to be seen in Europe may be 
found in St. Paul's Church. The remains of both 
Wellington and Nelson repose in the crypt, where may 
also be seen the funeral-car of the famous duke. On 
the mind of one who had never seen St. Peter's Church 
at Rome, St. Paul's would perhaps make a lasting im- 
pression, but after wandering through the former, one 
is not much interested in examining: the latter. St. 
Peter's is nearly twice as large as St. Paul's. The area 
covered by St. Peter's is two hundred and twelve thou- 
sand three hundred and twenty-one square feet ; that 
covered by St. Paul's, one hundred and eight thousand 
three hundred and thirty-nine feet ; leaving a difference 
of one hundred and three thousand three hundred and 
thirty -nine feet in favor of St. Peter's. I expect, 
though, that God could hear a poor sinner pray from a 
small log cabin as well as He could from either of those 
grand edifices, and I am sure He would be as likely to 
grant the blessing prayed for in the humble cabin as He 
would if the petition came up through the lofty dome 
of St. Peter's Church. 

We spent a few hours in the British Museum. A 
month might be profitably spent in this wonderful 
institution. The library contains over nine hundred 
thousand volumes, among which I saw what is repre- 
sented to be the first copy of the Bible issued from the 
press. It is printed in the Latin language, on vellum, 
and bears date 1455. Prominent among the many 
curiosities to be seen here is the famous Posetta Stone, 
which furnishes the clew to the interpretations of 
Egyptian hieroglyphics. This valuable stone is three 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 529 

feet long, two feet five inches wide, and is completely- 
covered with carved hieroglyphics, which are three 
times repeated and translated into the Greek language. 
It was dug near the mouth of the Nile, by a French 
officer. By the interpretation furnished by three 
archaeological scholars, the world was enriched by 
much valuable information in regard to ancient Egyp- 
tian history. 

The National Picture Gallery, on the north side of 
Trafalgar Square, contains between eight and nine hun- 
dred pictures, among which are some of the best works 
of Raphael and Rubens. I have seen nothing on the 
Continent superior to the " Rape of the Sabines," by 
Rubens. Trafalgar Square contains many grand statues 
of notable men, among which are those of Nelson, 
Havelock, Napier, and George IV. In front of Nel- 
son's monument, the spot where Charles I. was be- 
headed was pointed out to us by our guide ; the regi- 
cides were executed very near the same spot. 

We, of course, visited Cavendish Square. There 
was an incident connected with No. 16 Holies Street, 
on the south side of this square, that produced a desire 
in my mind to visit it. January 22, 1788, Lord Byron 
was born here. 

There are but few houses in London over four stories 
high. The Bank of England is only two, and presents 
rather a shabby appearance compared with what my 
mind had pictured it. 

The rays of the sun are continually combating the 
vast sea of smoke that constantly hangs like a black 
cloud over the city ; a gray tinge of twilight most of 
x U 45 



530 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

the time pervades the place. I believe, upon the whole, 
smoke and fog are entitled to the victory. If I wanted 
to die of consumption I would at once locate in London. 



CHAPTER XL. 

My visit to Westminster Abbey did not produce a 
feeling of unmixed pleasure, but I was amply rewarded 
for the trouble of making it by the sight of the his- 
torical relics contained therein. The exterior of the 
edifice presents an imposing appearance, with its lofty 
square towers rising far above the adjacent buildings, 
and its time-stained walls glittering in the bright rays 
of the sun ; but the interior is pervaded with a gloomy 
twilight which by no means looks cheerful. 

On the floor of the Poets' Corner two marble slabs, 
covered with gilded letters, mark the spot where Ma- 
caulay and Dickens sleep side by side. Bui wer. rests by 
himself near the end of the room. The bust of Milton, 
one of the handsomest in the Abbey, represents the poet 
holding a lyre entwined about by a large serpent with 
an apple in its mouth. A full-length statue of Shake- 
speare stands on a pedestal near the wall, — said to be the 
best image of the great poet ever made. The Handel 
monument appeared to attract more attention than any 
other. He is represented by a life-sized bust, holding a 
music scroll, and standing by an organ. Among the 
numerous monuments in the Poets' Corner, we saw those 



RAPID RAMBLINOS IN EUROPE. 5 31 

of Southey, Cowley, Chaucer, Dry den, Prior, Camp- 
bell, and Ben Jonson, — all represented with appropriate 
busts. An elegant monument erected in honor of 
David Garrick is surrounded with images represent- 
ing Tragedy and Comedy. Close to the same spot 
rest the bones of Addison, Spenser, Sheridan, and 
Thomson, author of " The. Seasons," — all represented 
with handsome monuments. 

In the second chapel we saw some of the most 
gorgeous tombs to be found in Europe, composed of 
monumental brass and Parian marble, the most note- 
worthy one being that which contains the remains of 
the Duchess of Suffolk, the mother of the unfortunate 
Lady Jane Grey. There is a sad jcharni surrounding 
everything connected with Lady Jane Grey that one 
can feel but not describe. It is a glaring shame that 
the English people will permit the bones of that inno- 
cent woman to moulder in the Tower among those of 
traitors and outlaws, while the dust of Bloody Mary 
lies in royal tombs among men of worth and renown. 
Anne, Duchess of Somerset, mother of Queen Jane 
Seymour, sleeps in a magnificent sarcophagus in the 
Abbey, while the bones of her daughter must crumble 
to dust in the old Tower. It seems to me that a 
people who are famous for their intelligence and love 
of justice would do honor to themselves by proving 
to the world that they do not endorse the bloody 
deeds of Mary and Henry VIII. Where is the jus- 
tice in spending vast sums of money in erecting a 
gorgeous tomb in the Abbey to hold the bones of 
Queen Elizabeth, while the bones of her mother, Anne 



532 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

• 

Boleyn, are permitted to decay in the Tower among 
felons and traitors? What crime did that unfortu- 
nate queen commit, that she should be thus dishon- 
ored ? 

There are some things told us by history about the 
English people that are rather hard to believe. For 
instance, we are told that the father of Anne Boleyn, 
to please the king, concocted the charges against his 
own daughter, and that the court that condemned her 
to death was presided over by her uncle. This brings 
up the question of hell or no hell, which ought to be 
settled without debate. The Irish tell us that that 
institution was especially created for their British 
neighbors, but we know that they are prejudiced 
witnesses, and that their evidence needs corroborating 
circumstances to sustain it. Three hundred years ago 
Satan had unlimited control of the island of Great 
Britain, but things are different now. He may yet 
own a controlling interest in the stock, but I cannot 
believe it. The history of England three centuries 
ago was the history of lions, tigers, panthers, leopards, 
wolves, and all sorts of savage animals of a blood- 
drinking nature in human form. In fact, it was a 
regular zoological garden without a keeper. But now 
things are better regulated. They have a good super- 
intendent, who manages to keep the animals quiet with 
Sepoy meat and Irish gore mixed with Zulu soup and 
Egyptian salad. But I beg pardon, and will return 
to the previous question. 

While strolling among the tombs and statues in the 
Abbey, I found the beautiful monument erected in 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 533 

honor of John Wesley, the founder of Methodism. 
This elegant structure was unveiled in 1876. History 
tells us that this remarkable man preached forty thou- 
sand sermons, wrote and published fifty volumes of 
theological and religious books, travelled two hundred 
and seventy thousand miles, mostly on horseback, and 
died at London in the eighty-eighth year of his age, 
after having worked faithfully in the service of Christ 
for sixty years. A hundred such men would convert 
the world, destroy the devil, and bring a universal am- 
nesty to the human race in less than ten years. 

In the north aisle of Henry VII. 's chapel stands 
a handsome sarcophagus where in rest the bones ofthe 
two young princes who were murdered in the Tower 
by their uncle, the Duke of Gloucester. Their bones 
were found concealed in a stone wall beneath a flight 
of stairs in the Tower. After an examination of the 
spot where the skeletons were discovered, I was con- 
vinced that a closet had been converted into a tomb for 
their reception. If I were an Englishman, I would 
quit boasting of my long line of ancestors ; in point of 
fact, I should not want more than one father and one 
mother of that sort. Of course, the good citizens of 
England are not responsible for what occurred three 
hundred years ago, but it angers me to hear them 
bragging of their illustrious ancestors, — men with 
whom they ought to be ashamed to claim relationship. 
A strong chain of circumstantial evidence might be pro- 
duced to prove that I am of English descent. I am 
satisfied with the connection, but would be afraid to 
trace my ancestorial line too far back, lest I might turn 
45* 



534 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

out to be a relative of Richard III. or Henry VIII. 
I would not mind being a third cousin to Queen Vic- 
toria. I have, however, upon mature reflection, con- 
cluded to try and get along without illustrious ances- 
tors. 

Westminster Abbey presents quite a different appear- 
ance from what I expected. I w r as looking for a 
clumsy old edifice ensconced amid ancient elms and 
verdant vines, surrounded by a spacious graveyard, 
where poets, warriors, statesmen, and scholars slept in 
turf-covered graves festooned with flowers and ever- 
greens; but, instead of this, I saw a light, airy structure 
with innumerable sharp spires shooting up to an enor- 
mous height. No graveyard, no trees, vines or flowers ; 
no vacant ground, cosey grottoes, or shady walks. The 
building is bordered on every side by rough-paved 
streets, where drays, wagons, carriages, and stages con- 
stantly make a deafening din. All the graves, tombs, 
monuments, and busts are inside of the house, making 
it look like a splendid place for a congregation of 
ghosts to hold nightly conventions. 

The tomb of Queen Elizabeth is by far the prettiest 
to be seen in the Abbey. It is very large, and exquis- 
itely wrought in Parian marble, supported on the 
backs of four bronze lions so heavily gilded as to 
look like burnished gold. Near this tomb stands the 
one containing the remains of Mary, Queen of Scots. 
When her son ascended the English throne, he had her 
bones removed to their present resting-place. What a 
sad lesson does the sight of those two tombs teach us 
in regard to the fleeting vanities of worldly ambition ! 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 535 

What advantage did Elizabeth gain by the death of 
her unfortunate relative? Why was the world con- 
sidered too small to hold two little lumps of ambitious 
dust? A beer-barrel could now hold them both, and 
not be half full at that. If we will let our enemies 
alone God will kill them soon enough to satisfy any 
reasonable expectations, 

A beautiful statue of Mrs. Siddons occupies a promi- 
nent place in the Abbey. It is of snow-white marble, 
representing a life-sized image of the celebrated actress. 

Near the centre of the Abbey stands the curious old 
Coronation Chair, in which all the sovereigns are 
crowned. The bottom of the seat is composed of a 
rough, dingy block of stone brought here from Scot- 
land. It was known formerly as Jacob's Pillar. 

The monument erected to Major Andre by George 
III. occupies a conspicuous place near the one erected 
to General Wolfe. Both of them are elegantly exe- 
cuted, but the Wolfe monument presents the most im- 
posing appearance. 

Westminster Abbey is four hundred feet long and 
two hundred feet wide, and is constructed according to 
Gothic design. To view it from a short distance, it 
looks new and pretty, and one would not for a moment 
suppose it to be twelve hundred years old. It was 
founded in the year 610, and finished in a very short 
time thereafter. 

The most appropriate emblem we saw in the Abbey 
was the monument erected over the tomb of the Duke 
of Richmond, the conqueror of the bloody Richard. 
He, by a marriage with the heiress of the House of 



536 RAPID RAM B LINOS IN EUROPE. 

York, united the White and Red Roses, thereby 
bringing permanent peace to England. The elegant 
carvings on the gates near the monument represent 
the mingling of the roses and other incidents con- 
nected with the history of those times. 

I did not forget to pay my respects to the House of 
Lords. There were no boisterous demonstrations of joy 
indulged in by the members at my entrance, but I was 
permitted to enjoy that undisturbed quietude so con- 
genial to my nature ; indeed, the noble lords proceeded 
with their business as if nothing extraordinary had 
happened. One red-headed member thought the na- 
tion was rapidly travelling on the road to destruction, 
and said so in plain terms, and by written documents 
proved the truth of his proposition. An old lord with 
a graveyard voice contradicted the statement of the 
first speaker, and straightway proved to my satisfaction 
that he had lied. At this juncture half a dozen men 
began to speak in excited terms all at once. I thought 
they were going to break up the meeting with a general 
row, when a tall, pale-faced man, pointing his finger 
directly at me, made a motion to adjourn. The motion 
was put and carried. I cannot positively say whether 
it was done out of respect to me or not, though I do 
know that the man was looking at me when he made 
the motion. 

The interior of the chamber looks more like that of 
an old-fashioned school-house than like anything else. 
The benches are placed in long rows, rising one above 
another. Such a thing as a desk or a chair is not to 
be seen in the house ; indeed, if there were any con- 



RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. 537 

veniences whatever in the hall, they were not visible to 
the naked eye. No wonder that a majority of the 
members are always absent from their seats. I would 
rather be a prisoner in the Old Bailey than a member 
of the British Parliament. 

The House of Commons looks a little more cheerful, 
because the members seem to behave better than did 
those in the other department. A large majority of 
the Commons thought the country was perfectly safe, 
while a very few were endeavoring to show that the 
Devil owned a controlling interest. 

I did not feel much interested in the question, con- 
sequently I proceeded to visit the queen's stables, where 
I had been invited to examine a collection of animals 
said to be superior to those to be seen in Westminster 
Hall. I wonder why Parliament does not meet in the 
queen's stables, for I am sure they look much more 
cheerful, and are better lighted, better built, and in 
every respect superior to Westminster Hall. The 
queen's horses all dwell in first-class parlors, the 
furniture of which is gorgeous and costly. 

The stables cover an area of six acres. They are 
built of polished stone, with a spacious courtyard in 
the centre, where innumerable servants of the govern- 
ment while away their time in idleness, waiting for 
pay-day. To all lovers of fine horses, a visit to these 
stables will afford no little pleasure. The ten cream- 
colored stallions that draw the queen's carriage on 
State occasions are by far the prettiest animals I ever 
beheld. I noticed that a portion of their tails, — proba- 
bly as much as fifteen inches, — rested on the ground 



538 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

while they were standing on their feet; a sight I had 
never beheld before. There were ten coal-black stal- 
lions, occupying parlors near the others. They usually 
perform the agreeable duty of pulling the Prince of 
Wales round town on State occasions. There is a 
large number of other handsome steeds here that drag 
the rest of the government through the streets when 
the queen takes a notion to show off her new menagerie. 

The carriage of the old wife-killer, Henry VIII., 
occupies a parlor in this establishment. It is quite a 
curiosity, and a costly one at that, looking like a rail- 
way engine made of gold, with the cab sitting where 
the smoke-stack stands. The superintendent said it 
weighed eight thousand pounds. The queen's State 
carriage is much lighter and prettier than the other, 
and looks like a mass of polished gold. 

" Well/' said Miss Bell, " I dare say that there are 
more than a million of people in England who would 
like to swap positions with the queen's horses." 

" Yes," replied Miss Stevenson ; " there is not one 
in a hundred who enjoys such good living as these 
animals do." 

From the queen's stables we took a ride through 
Pall Mall, to see the interesting sights that line that 
famous thoroughfare, returning to our hotel in time to 
dine and go to the opera. 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 539 



CHAPTER XLI. 

As a matter of course, a tourist would not think of 
leaving England without paying a visit to the famous 
Windsor Castle. At least, such was the prevailing 
idea among the members of the brigade. No sooner 
had we despatched breakfast this morning than carriages 
were ordered to transport the party to the nearest 
underground railway station, which, on arrival, we 
found to be the wrong one. Each member of the 
party, as is usual in such cases, began to make hur- 
ried inquiries for directions to the right station, the 
result of which was a confused mass of suggestions and 
descriptions that would upset the wits of a Philadelphia 
lawyer. We set out in search of the desired point, and 
triumphantly succeeded in missing it by half a mile, 
which we failed to discover until we had boarded the 
train and rode two miles on the back track. About the 
time we began to think we were near the place to 
change cars for the Windsor road the conductor told 
us that we were travelling in an opposite direction 
from the Windsor depot. We were advised to get off 
and take the next train going the other way to a cer- 
tain station, then walk a quarter of a mile to a certain 
other station, then to take a carriage ride to a certain 
other station, ride on the train to another station, thence 
by boat to a certain other station, and then to hire a 
guide to show us a certain other station, where we 



540 RAPID RAMBLINOS IN EUROPE. 

\ 

might find an agent who would be able to direct us 

how to find the right sort of a station. 

" Please allow me, sir, to express to you my pro- 
found thanks for the explicit directions which you 
have so generously given us," said Dick to the agent ; 
" a simple schoolboy could readily understand them. 
Be so good as to accept my card ; if you could spare 
the time to dine with me at seven p.m.,, it would gratify 
me beyond measure. If, however, you cannot dine 
with me, I would esteem it an especial favor if you 
would pinch me or bite my finger, so I might have 
something to remember you by. I don't wish to for- 
get you." 

" Hi might be hinduced to blacken yer heye with 
my 'and hif you don't take heyerself hoff from 'ere," 
replied the indignant agent. 

" If you would be so good as to blacken my heye," 
returned Dick, " I would be so much obliged to you." 

The Englishman surveyed Dick's tall, athletic form 
for a moment, then turned and walked rapidly into his 
office, muttering curses against impudent Yankees. 

I am sure we did not travel over fifteen miles before 
we found the right station. 

Windsor is eighteen miles west of London. The 
old castle is situated on the summit of a sloping hill 
overlooking the Thames. The walls, buildings, towers, 
and everything connected with the castle have an 
ancient, sombre appearance. It looks more like a 
prison than like a palace. I offered one of the 
guards a shilling to dance a jig on the grave of the 
villainous old wife-killer, Henry YIIL, whose bones 



RAPID RAMBL1NGS IN EUROPE. 541 

rest in the royal burial-vault here ; but he said that 
sort of amusement was wholly out of style now. 

After making a complete reconnoissance of the ex- 
terior of the old castle and its environs, we knocked 
for admittance at the main front entrance to the queen's 
apartments. We were met at the door by a tall, red- 
faced man with a crooked nose, the lower end of which 
seemed to be making a desperate effort to get into his 
mouth. He wore a high, stiff collar, the upper edge 
of which looked as if it was about to saw off his ears. 
He had side whiskers a la Burnside, snow-white cravat, 
embroidered slippers, yellow-silk stockings, and was 
decidedly pigeon-toed and bow-legged. 

" Whalk hin to the reception 'all ladies and gentle- 
men, hif you please," said he, while he smiled and 
rubbed his hands energetically. 

We accordingly walked in. 

" Please whait 'ere ha moment, an' hi whill show you 
the state hapartments." 

And, as directed, we waited ten minutes. 

" Now, ladies and gentlemen, hif you whill be so 
good has to follow me hi whill show you haround." 

We were ushered into a spacious hall elegantly dec- 
orated with Gobelin tapestry representing the most 
prominent incidents in the history of Esther. The 
most beautiful picture represents .King Ahasuerus in 
the act of placing the crown on Esther's head, — "And 
the king loved Esther above all the women, and she 
obtained grace and favor in his eyes more than all the 
virgins; so that he .set the royal crown upon her head, 
and made her queen instead of Vashti" (Esther ii. 

46 



542 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

17). Now, what great crime had Queen Vashti com- 
mitted that justified her husband in divorcing her? 
Nothing whatever, only she refused to exhibit her 
beautiful person before a crowd of drunken revellers 
for their lascivious inspection. The truth is, old 
Ahasuerus had been smitten by the extraordinary 
beauty of the Jewish woman, and, like Henry VIII., 
he was willing to commit any crime to get rid of his 
lawful wife in order that he might possess himself of 
the coveted prize. This is one instance where good 
was produced from evil. 

"This 'all, ladies and gentlemen," said Hooknose, 
" his the queen's haudience-chamber. That his King 
Hashahurus placing the crown hon the 'ead hof Hes- 
ther." 

The most shocking sight imaginable is a picture of 
the execution of Mary, Queen of Scots. How such a 
noble-hearted woman as Queen Victoria could permit 
such a picture to remain in her audience-chamber is a 
mystery that distances my comprehension. In the first 
place, we see a splendid life-sized portrait of the beau- 
teous Queen of Scots clad in mourning costume, stand- 
ing tall, erect, and beautiful. A sweet, sad expression 
mantles her lovely features. Immediately by the side 
of this charming picture we see the same stately form 
with neck and shoulders stripped of all covering, 
kneeling by the execution block, her neck resting on 
it, while a most horrible-looking monster with a glit- 
tering axe in his hand is in the act of chopping off 
her head. Now, it is a historical fact that the bun- 
gling headsman did strike three distinct and separate 



RAPID RAMBLINOS IN EUROPE. 543 

strokes with his axe before the head of the hapless 
queen was severed from the body. I have on more 
than one occasion seen field-hospitals filled with the 
mangled bodies of brave soldiers, while surgeons were" 
sawing off their legs and arms. This was a horrible 
sight to look upon, but I would rather live in a field- 
hospital than in the palace of a queen where the walls 
are adorned with such unsightly pictures as the one in 
the audience-chamber. My respect for the British 
queen sank twenty-five per cent, after seeing that pic- 
ture in her palace. This is very hard on her Royal 
Highness, though I dare say she will survive it. 

On the upper right-hand corner of the erect picture 
of the Scottish queen appears the following inscription : 
" Mary, Queen of Scotland, true princess and legiti- 
mate heiress of England and Ireland, and mother of 
James, king of Great Britain, who, harassed by the 
heresy of her people and overpowered by rebellion, 
came into England in the year 1563 for the sake of 
sanctuary, and, relying on the word of her kinswoman 
Queen Elizabeth, is perfidiously detained captive for 
nineteen years, and, traduced by a thousand calumnies, 
is, by the cruel sentence of the English Parliament, at 
the instigation of heresy, handed over to execution, 
and on the 18th day of February, 1587, is beheaded 
by the common executioner in the fifty-fourth year 
of her life and reign." It seems to me rather strange 
that the English queen should allow this advertise- 
ment of British barbarity to hang on the walls of her 
palace. 

" Now, ladies and gentlemen," said Hooknose, " hif 



544 RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. 

you whill hoblige me by whalking this whay, hi whill 
hintrodnoe you to Saint George's 'all." 

Straightway we "hobliged" him, when we were 
shown into a spacious chamber two hundred feet long, 
thirty-four feet wide, and thirty-two feet high, the 
walls of which were richly adorned with emblems and 
decorations connected with the Order of the Garter and 
the chivalry of England. At each end of the hall is a 
music gallery where melodious sounds are manufac- 
tured on state occasions for titled nobility who love to 
get drunk on wine and sweet music. A table ten feet 
wide and one hundred and fifty feet long occupies a 
place in the middle of the hall, where the members of 
the Order of the Garter assemble to eat, drink, and 
flatter one another. The sovereign's throne is located 
on the east side, where I suppose the queeu sits on 
state occasions. 

The ceiling of this room is ornamented with the em- 
blazoned arms of the order of British knighthood. The 
names of the knights are painted between the panels of 
the windows on the south side of the hall ; to each 
name is attached a number corresponding to that on the 
arms on the ceiling. The row of names begins with 
that of Edward III. and the Black Prince, and ends 
with that of the Earl of Beaconsfield and the Marquis 
of Salisbury. 

Hooknose expatiated extensively on the grandeur of 
this chamber. 

" The Hearl hof Beaconsfield halways hoccupies this 
'ere seat." 

" 'Ow can the hearl hoccupy that seat while he hoc- 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 545 

cupies ha grave?" said Dick, as he gave me a sly 
wink. 

"'E halways hoccupied hit wen 'e was halive," 
promptly replied Hooknose. -'"Ere," continued he, 
pointing to a seat at the head of the table ; " this 'ere 
seat his hoccupied by the Prince of Wales hon state 
hoccasions." 

We were next conducted into the queen's grand re- 
ception-room, the walls of which were gorgeously em- 
bellished with beautiful specimens of Gobelin tapestry, 
portraying the charming story of Jason's argonautic 
expedition. One side of the room represents the mar- 
riage of Jason with Creusa, the grand battle between 
the warriors born of the Dragon's teeth, and the 
flight of Medea after having murdered her two sons 
out of revenge against her husband for deserting her 
for another bride. The opposite wall contains a repre- 
sentation of Jason carrying off the Golden Fleece after 
having pledged his faith # to Medea, in order to secure 
her and obtain the coveted prize. Another picture 
represents Jason making love to Medea, and another 
Creusa being consumed by the fatal robe. The most 
interesting picture is the one representing the two dead 
children of Jason lying on the bed where they were 
murdered by their jealous mother. 

The Waterloo Chamber, a spacious room lighted from 
above, is replete with interesting pictures of the most 
prominent actors in the great battle of Waterloo. Wel- 
lington, Blucher, Count Allen, and Marquis William 
Paget, four of the most prominent commanders at that 
battle, are represented with life-sized pictures. The 

kk 46* 



546 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

walls are covered with splendid paintings by famous 
artists. The grand vestibule contains a fine white 
marble statue of Queen Victoria and her dog Sharp. 
This excellent work was executed by Boehm. 

This magnificent hall is lighted by a beautiful octag- 
onal lantern hung from the loftv ceiling. A full- 
length portrait of George III. in his coronation robes, 
stands above the fireplace; it is the work of Sir Joshua 
Reynolds. The Vandyck Room is so called from the 
many excellent paintings executed by that artist con- 
tained in it. The portraits of Charles I. and his 
family which adorn the walls are worthy of notice; 
indeed, I have seen nothing in England that surpasses 
them. Sir Anthony Vandyck was born in Antwerp in 
1598. He was induced to come to England by King 
Charles I., and no doubt concentrated all his wonderful 
skill to please that monarch in painting those pictures. 
His success must have been complete, for a pension 
of two hundred pounds per annum was granted to 
him. 

The Guard-Chamber contains an extensive collection 
of curious relics, prominent among which is a large 
number of life-sized figures representing notable men 
clad in the armor worn by them while engaged in war. 
The Duke of Brunswick, the Earl of Essex, Lord 
Howard, and Henry, Prince of Wales, appear in full 
armor, which gives one a pretty clear idea of how they 
looked when armed for the field. We have heard and 
read much about ancient heroes and ancient chivalry; 
but if a soldier in these days were to appear on the 
field clad in such bullet-proof stuff, he would either be 



RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 547 

shot for cowardice or dismissed from the service in dis- 
grace. I was glad when Hooknose pointed to an out- 
side door and told us the show was " hover." With an 
obsequious bow and an angelic smile he said, — 

" Hi 'ave hexhibited hall hof the hapartments which 
hi ham hallowed to hexhibit to visitors." 

We thanked him and each one offered him a shilling. 

" Hi beg pardon," he exclaimed, throwing up both 
hands deprecatingly ; "hi ham not hallowed to haccept 
fees for hexhibiting 'er. Majesty's hapartments." 

" Could you honor me with your company at dinner 
this evening ?" said Dick. " Here is my card, and you 
shall be royally entertained if you will condescend to 
come." 

"Hexcuse me, hif you please," replied Hooknose, 
with a low bow ; "my hofficial dooties 'old me 'ere hall 
the time." 

" Then give my respects to your grandma and be a 
good boy yourself," cried Dick, as he took off his hat 
and made a comical bow. 

Hooknose looked puzzled, seeming to be in doubt as 
to whether Dick was making sport of him or not. 

" Well," exclaimed Miss Bell, " I am happy to find 
that all the fools in the world don't live in the United 
States." 

" I guess they have no insane asylums here," dryly 
remarked Miss Stevenson; "their lunatics are all 
ranging at large." 

" Human nature is the same all over the earth," ob- 
served Effie; "and the only difference I see is that many 
of the English are full of egotism." 



548 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

" Shake !" exclaimed Dick, as he seized her hand. 
"Stick to your own country, right or wrong." 

"I won't admit that my country is wrong at all," 
returned Effie. 

" That's right," said Miss Bell. " < Blow thou thine 
own horn, because if thou dost not blow thine horn, 
who shall blow it for thee?'" 

*' And the villain still pursued her," cried Dick, as 
he twisted his face into a comical shape and dashed 
through the outer gate. 

It was quite a pleasure to wander through the shady 
streets of picturesque old Windsor, made famous by 
the pen of Shakespeare. A carriage-ride through 
the historic park constitutes one of the most inter- 
esting features of the excursion. The old Hemes 
oak where Falstaff was tortured by the fairies has 
long since disappeared, but the place where it stood is 
there yet. It was on this interesting spot that the fat 
knight delivered himself of the following classical sen- 
tences : 

" Have I laid my brain in the sun and dried it, that 
it wants matter to prevent so gross overreaching as 
this? Am I ridden with a Welsh goat too? Shall I 
have a coxcomb of friz ? 'Tis time I were choked 
with a piece of toasted cheese." 

Windsor Castle is situated in the edge of a small 
park. The buildings cover an area of twelve acres, 
encircled by a terraced wall of solid stone. The lofty 
round-tower which rises to a great height in the centre 
is the place where the son of Mary, Queen of Scots, 
afterward King James I., was imprisoned. In the 



RAPID RAMBLTNGS IN EUROPE. 549 

royal vault here are buried the bodies of George III., 
Henry VIII., Jane Seymour, Charles I., and many 
other members of the royal family. The great Wind- 
sor Park is eighteen miles in circumference. It is 
adorned with a perfect wilderness of pretty trees and 
spacious flower-beds. Thousands of sweet singing- 
birds continually fill the air with delicious music from 
the broad-spreading branches of the trees, while a de- 
lightful fragrance rises from the vast fields of pretty 
flowers. West of the town lies the famous Windsor 
Forest, which is fifty-six miles in circumference, all the 
vast area being covered with lofty trees and umbrage- 
ous shrubbery.. "Windsor Castle was built before the 
Norman conquest, though its appearance would not 
lead one to think it so old. 

" Unless you all wish to witness a tragical death," 
said Miss Stevenson, " you better take me to a restau- 
rant without delay. Ever since I arrived in Europe I 
have been trying to learn to live without eating ; I am 
sorry to be compelled to say that in that endeavor I 
have failed." 

Charley at once took the hint and set out to hunt a 
restaurant. We did not wait for an invitation to fol- 
low him. 

" 'Am and heggs one shilling," was the answer made 
by the waiter, who met us at the door. " One bottle of 
hale hextra. 'Ave a seat; we will 'ave lunch ready 
instantly." 

" Have you got any royal, egotistic, self-rising, un- 
leavened, jaw-breaking bread ?" Dick inquired, with a 
serious countenance. 



550 RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

" "NVlie hare just hout o' that sort," replied the waiter, 
politely, " but whe 'ave some 'ot rolls abakinV 

"That will do," replied Dick, as he made a cour- 
teous bow. " I'll take 'am aud hcggs with 'ot rolls aud 
a bottle of hale." 

Dick mimicked the waiter so successfully as to make 
him believe it was his uatural way of speaking ; indeed, 
the waiter took him for a brother-Englishman. 

We returned to London in time to go to the Princess 
Theatre, arriving five minutes before the curtain rose. 
From what I had heard and read about this theatre I 
was expecting to see something especially gorgeous, bat 
in that respect I was greatly disappointed. There are 
other theatres in London much finer than this one. 

Monday evening we visited the Old Bailey, the no- 
torious criminal court-house where so many innocent 
victims were condemned to death by Jeffreys, the 
bloody tyrant. The court-room has a dark, dingy ap- 
pearance. It did not require a great stretch of fancy 
to set the bloody judge on the bench before me, 
where I could hear him browbeating witnesses and 
intimidating jurors, compelling them to condemn the 
innocent. The same old cage where prisoners were 
confined a hundred years ago may be seen there now. 
Jeffreys finally met his just reward; he died in the 
Tower in 1688. He pronounced the sentence of death 
on three hundred and twenty persons, and had eight 
hundred and forty-one transported and sold into 
slavery. He was a loyal Englishman who worked 
faithfully for his royal master. 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 551 



CHAPTER XLII. 

New York, September 9. 
Well, here we are once more treading the soil of 
our own dear country. Difficult indeed would be the 
task of making the reader comprehend the real joy one 
feels while standing on a ship-deck watching with 
straining eyes the dim outline of his native land as it 
slowly breaks on his view after having wandered many 
a thousand miles in foreign climes. We do not really 
know how to value the privileges enjoyed by Ameri- 
can citizens until we have mingled with those who pos- 
sess them not. We cannot appreciate good health 
until we have been very ill, nor can we properly value 
good victuals unless we have suffered with hunger. 
The gulf that separates the rich from the poor in 
many of the European nations is wide, deep, and im- 
passable. A poor man in Italy can boast of one glori- 
ous privilege, which is the right to remain poor as long 
as he lives. How different is the poor man's condition 
in the United States ! There is no bottomless gulf to 
separate him from the rich ; the field is open to all 
alike, and the chances are equal for all. The wealthiest 
men of to-day in America were the makers of their own 
fortunes. The highest office connected with the United 
States government has been filled by a man who began 
as an humble mechanic. When you hear a man whining 
and snivelling about privileged classes in the United 



552 RAPID RAMBL1N0S IN EUROPE. 

States, watch him closely and have no dealings with 
him ; he wants to get possession of something that does 
not belong to him ; he wants to live without work ; he is 
fond of good clothes and good victuals, but is by no 
means fond of work. 

At eleven o'clock on the morning of August 30, we 
bade adieu to those of our travelling companions who 
were not going to sail homeward with us, and took the 
train from London to Liverpool. I thought I saw 
water in Dick's eyes as he seized my hand with a firm 
grip, but that may have been imagination, for he did it 
so quickly, and spoke the parting words so briefly, and 
walked away so suddenly, that I scarcely had time to 
say u Good-by." It was his habit to do everything in 
a hurry. Those whom he loved best he teased most, 
while those he disliked went unmolested. 

I do not think I ever saw a prettier country than 
that which lies in sight of the railroad between London 
and Liverpool. The surface of the earth is level and 
unbroken by hills and unmarred by ravines. You are 
scarcely out of one village before you enter the suburbs 
of another, while on either side as far as the eye can 
reach may be seen long lines of neatly-trimmed hedges, 
looking like endless wreaths of blooming roses. Every- 
thing has a new, fresh appearance, while signs of in- 
dustry and thrift may be seen on every hand. 

At the end of a two hours' run from London, the 
train came to a halt at Rugby, where the agent in- 
formed us that we would have time to inspect the town. 

Rugby is in Warwickshire, on the banks of the 
pretty little Avon, eighty-three miles from London, 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 553 

and contains a population of ten thousand. The 
famous old grammar school was established here in 
1557, and is still under full headway. The old school- 
house — or houses, for there are several of them — oc- 
cupies a quadrangular space. They are constructed in 
the Elizabethan style, and present quite a venerable 
appearance. There are five hundred students in at- 
tendance now, and one of the teachers told me that the 
number very rarely fell under that. 

We arrived at Liverpool in time to enjoy a delightful 
ride through her beautiful parks late in the evening. 
The city looks more like an American town than any 
we saw in Europe, and the inhabitants have in many 
respects adopted American customs. For instance, 
they yell like Indians when they get drunk on mean 
whiskey, just as I have seen and heard them do in my 
native town. It made me feel as if I were at home 
again when I heard the old familiar yell, and saw men 
reeling in the streets. They do it with that peculiar 
energy and promptness that Americans display on such 
occasions. The police are becoming Americanized, be- 
cause they drink whiskey, sleep on their posts, and 
always arrest the wrong man. I was delighted with 
Liverpool, it was so very much like home. 

Early on the morning of the 31st I called at the 
office of the steamship line to look after some ship- 
chairs which I had left with the steward. The clerk 
sent me to another officer, who requested me to go to 
another agent, and the aforesaid agent directed me to 
call on another employe, who gave me the name of 
another agent. The forty-seventh man scratched his 
y 47 



554 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

head and said something like "Deuce take that fool 
steward !" I may be mistaken as to the language used, 
but I am sure that was the substance of what he said. 
But I did not get the chairs, and I did not need them 
very badly on the voyage either, for we had a bois- 
terous sea nearly all the time. 

Charley did not leave us until we were stepping 
aboard of the little boat that was to take us from" the 
quay to the ship, which was at anchor a mile out. I 
shall long remember the earnest gaze of his expressive 
eyes as he watched us from the shore as we sailed away, 
and longer still will I remember the innumerable acts 
of kindness for which I am his debtor. If the sincere 
wishes of all the members of the party could secure 
his future success, then indeed would he be always 
happy. 

The weather behaved itself remarkably well until 
Saturday afternoon, September 2, when the wind came 
on to blow, and continued to come on for the same 
purpose until it lifted the waves over the deck of the 
ship. It is no weak-kneed statement to say that the 
situation is very uncomfortable on a ship when the 
waves every now and then roll over the upper deck, 
but it is a cast-steel fact that has come under the scope 
of my observation. My stomach got on a regular 
spree at the start, and nothing could induce it to keep 
the peace. 

To cap the climax of my misfortunes, I had a serious 
rencontre with a crazy trunk, in which I got consider- 
ably worsted. I never saw a trunk on a spree before, 
and if I could have my way about it, I am sure I 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 555 

never would see another. It was a small trunk, though ; 
if it had been of the Saratoga style this interesting 
story would have* been written by my administrator. 
I had started from my state-room to the upper deck 
for the purpose of carrying a telegraphic despatch 
which my stomach wanted me to deliver to the ocean, 
when I met the crazy trunk coming down the aisle. 
It struck my legs square in front, and knocked them 
up to the place where my head ought to have been ; 
but it was not there, because it had exchanged places 
with my feet. Meantime, the trunk continued its 
journey toward the other end of the aisle just as if it 
had never met an obstacle. The affectionate manner 
in which I embraced the floor must have attracted the 
attention of the passengers, for I distinctly heard them 
laughing at me. I scarcely had time to regain my feet 
before my adversary made another dash at me, but I 
eluded the attack by a flank movement dexterously exe- 
cuted. But, instead of pursuing its usual course, it 
began to prance around like pugilists do when seeking 
an advantage. After sailing round and round for a 
moment, it made another charge, and again floored me. 
I threw up the sponge, as the prize-fighters do when 
they are defeated. In plain terms, I called loudly for 
some one to come and take that trunk oif of me. A 
sailor came and tried to capture the ferocious concern, 
but it upset him the first round. Another sailor soon 
came to the rescue. Then a regular skirmish began. 
The contest raged furiously for some time. The trunk 
made a gallant resistance, but was finally captured and 
tied fast to a post, — not, however, until it had inflicted 



55G RAPID RAMBLING S IN EUROPE. 

severe punishment on its captors. I offered a reward 
of fifty cents for the name of the man who, while I 
was down, proposed to bet ten dollars to five that the 
trunk would win the fight. I distinctly heard him 
offer to make the bet, and if I could have found him, 
he would have good cause to remember me. 

From some cause wholly unknown to me, that 
trunk had conceived an inveterate hatred for me 
and resolved on my destruction. At the dark hour 
of midnight, while the storm raged with relentless fury 
and the ship rolled and plunged about like a cork in a 
whirlpool, that malicious trunk broke loose from its 
moorings and came thundering against the door of my 
room. Every now and then it would fall back to the 
other side of the ship, then come like an avalanche 
against my door. I was dreadfully frightened, because 
I knew it was after me. I rang for the steward, but 
it met him as he came down the aisle, repulsing him 
the first round. Finally, an officer of the ship, accom- 
panied by a platoon of sailors, surrounded the heroic 
trunk, captured it, and imprisoned it in the hold, and 
my valuable life was again saved. 

It is no unusual thing for men to be crippled on 
ships during the prevalence of a storm. Unless every 
heavy article is firmly fastened to its place, damage of 
some sort is sure to result. While crossing the Gulf 
of Mexico a few years ago on a sail-ship, I saw a man 
instantly killed by a cask of water that was dashed 
against him. It first made a charge on the pantry, 
crushing the thin blank walls like an eggshell and 
demolishing everything in its way. A brave sailor 



RAPID RAMBL1NGS IN EUROPE. 557 

attempted to capture it, when it threw him against the 
railing and then, by a sudden lurch of the ship, it was 
dashed against him with tremendous force, killing him 
on the spot. A perfect stampede then ensued, and a 
dozen men were detailed, who finally captured it. 

On Sunday morning the wind began to increase its 
speed ; in fact, it is no exaggeration to say that we had 
managed to get somewhere near the middle of a respec- 
table storm. The ship was performing some of the 
most startling gymnastic feats. She would stand on 
her head a moment, then in a twinkle would take a 
seat on top of a watery mountain, then suddenly roll 
down into the trough of the sea, turn round and dash 
under a huge wave, and come up wrong end foremost. 
When I started to go to the smoking-room I invaria- 
bly brought up everywhere else. A man must "live 
and learn." After diligent study I discovered a plan 
which proved eminently successful. When I wanted 
to get in the smoking compartment I would take a seat 
at some convenient point and wait for it to come to me, 
which it never failed to do. Indeed, you might take a 
seat in any part of the ship, and in less than five min- 
utes every other part of it would give you a call. 
While I was sitting on a bench waiting for the saloon 
to bring me a glass of champagne, the aforesaid bench 
took a notion to go toward the engine-room, which left 
me stretched on the floor. A two hundred pound 
brunette sat down on me before I had time to get up, 
but I was instantly rescued by the polite lieutenant, 
who happened to be standing near when the melan- 
choly disaster occurred. 

47* 



558 RAPID RAMBLIXGS IN EUROPE. 

While room No. 196 was passing by the place where 
I sat, I heard signals of distress emanating from within. 

u What's the matter here?" I inquired, as I thrust 
my head through the door. 

" Oh, mercy ! Oh, me ! I believe in my soul I shall 
die !" cried Effie. 

" It is a fixed fact that my case is hopeless," groaned 
Miss Bell. " No earthly power can possibly save me. 
I can almost feel the sharks nibbling at my nose this 
very moment." 

rt Do pray hush your nonsense," cried Miss Steven- 
son ; " I am not in a condition to enjoy levity of that 
sort. The fact of the business is, we ought to be pray- 
ing all the time." 

"Have I not been praying all the morning?" re- 
turned Miss Bell. "But I'm a lost institution, and 
there is no use of trying to conceal the lamentable fact. 
Colonel, I shall rely upon you to have my remains put 
in a box strong enough to keep the sharks out. I 
bequeath my alpenstock to Effie, and a piece of the 
Tarpeian Rock to Miss Stevenson ; and if there is 
anything left after defraying funeral expenses, — which 
I am sure will be very little, if any, — it is my last 
will and statement that you shall have it. And may 
the Lord have mercy on your soul !" 

" See here, Miss Bell I" exclaimed Miss Stevenson, 
" have you really gone crazy ?" 

"To the best of my knowledge and belief I have ; 
and I did not have far to go, either." 

" Oh, my ! oh, my !" groaned Effie. " Won't this' 
storm never cease?" 



RAPID RAMBL1NGS IN EUROPE. 559 

"Oh, my! oh, my! I don't think it ever will," 
returned Miss Bell. "And so far as my sad case is 
concerned, it doesn't make any difference whether it 
does or not. All will soon be over with me. 



" And since I am so early done for, 
I wonder what I was begun for !" 



At this juncture the stewardess entered the room 
with a glass of lemonade for Effie, which she attempted 
to drink, but, instead of placing the glass to her lips, 
she emptied its contents on Miss Bell's head. 

" Oh, I am so sorry ! I am so sorry !" 

" Don't mention it. I, who am so soon to sleep in 
a watery grave, ought not to be disturbed by half a 
pint of lemon -juice, If you would be so good as to 
dash two or three more glasses of lemonade in my face, 
I would esteem it a great favor ; it might prolong my 
life a few hours longer. In fact, I feel much better 
since you baptized me with the delicious acid. Let me 
beseech you to repeat the operation often." 

" Effie," ejaculated Miss Stevenson, " I do believe in 
my soul she has gone raving mad." 

" I don't doubt it in the least," returned Effie ; " but 
I envy her the luxury of insanity at such a time as 
this. If my diminutive reason would temporarily abdi- 
cate its throne, I think I would feel better just now." 

" Heaven have mercy on you both !" said Miss Ste- 
venson. 

"Why don't you include yourself in that prayer?" 
inquired Effie. 



5G0 RAPID RAMBL1NQS IN EUROPE. 

"Because she considers herself past praying for," 
replied Miss Bell. 

I was about to drink a glass of lemonade, but my 
stomach just then reminded me of another despatch it 
wanted instantly delivered ; consequently, I straight- 
way proceeded to the upper deck, where the outside 
railing, apparently anticipating my wishes, came dash- 
ing rapidly toward me. We met rather abruptly, as 
we had often done before. 

The storm raged incessantly for three days and 
nights, and then suddenly cleared. The rest of the 
voyage was delightful, the sea perfectly smooth, the 
sky clear and bright, while the weather was charming. 

After the storm was over, the passengers soon forgot 
their sufferings and began to invent all sorts of 
schemes with which to amuse themselves, one of which 
deserves special notice. It was a whistling-match, in- 
vented by Mr. Mathews. A dozen men formed a line, 
while a committee of five ladies were selected as judges. 
Each contestant was to whistle five minutes, selecting 
his own tune, and the champion was to be rewarded 
with a box of fine Havana cigars, to be bought by the 
rest of the whistlers. If a whale had suddenly leaped 
on board, it would not have created as much excitement 
among the passengers as did this unique exhibition. 

"Time!" cried the watch-holder, which was the sig- 
nal for number one to open the show. 

He made an effort to introduce the necessary wrinkles 
to enable him to whistle, when the spectators burst into 
an uproarious lit of laughter. For several seconds his 
lips seemed to be hesitating between a whistle and a 



RAPID RAMBLINQS IN EUROPE. 561 

grin, but at length the laugh won the contest and came 
out loud and hearty. 

Number one was ordered to his seat, and " time !" 
was called for number two. He started off hand- 
somely, but broke down at the end of one minute, and 
retired from the line. 

Mr. Mathews's time came next. He went in on 
" Yankee Doodle," and stuck to it manfully until his 
time was up. I came back at him with " Dixie," and at 
the end of five minutes retired amid prolonged applause. 

By this time the excitement was above fever-heat, 
and bets were freely offered and accepted. 

After all the contestants had gone through with their 
performances, the ladies retired to discuss and settle the 
question as to who was the champion. A man leaped 
on a bench and began to sell pools. It seemed to be 
conceded that the contest was between " Dixie" and 
" Yankee Doodle." The bets ran very even on those 
two tunes, while no pools could be sold on any of the 
rest. 

The committee, after half an hour's consultation, 
decided that it was a tie between " Yankee Doodle" 
and " Dixie," that Mr. Mathews and I should both be 
considered equal champions, and that the cigars should 
be the joint property of both. The cigars were 
promptly paid, and we jointly smoked them. A hu- 
morous gentleman delivered a patriotic speech, winding 
up with something like this : 

" Since Dixie and Yankee Doodle are smoking the 
cigar of peace and friendship together, we can safely 
say that our glorious Union is forever safe. I there- 
11 



562 RAPID RAMBL1NGS IN EUROPE. 

fore call for three cheers for Dixie, Yankee Doodle, 
and the Union." 

" What is all this fuss about?" said the captain, as a 
unanimous shout rent the air. 

" It is a marriage ceremony between Dixie and 
Yankee Doodle," replied the humorous man. 

" Whom patriotism hath joined together, no British 
lion shall ever put asunder," exclaimed Mr. Mathews. 

As we drew near the American coast a guessing- 
school was organized upon the following plan : Each 
member of the class contributed a dollar to a common 
treasury, at the same time placing in a box a slip of 
paper containing his name and the figures representing 
his guess. The lucky one who should guess the num- 
ber of the boat that would put the pilot on our ship 
was to have all the funds in the treasury. There are 
in all twenty-four pilot-boats at New York, each one 
having its number painted in large black figures on its 
sails, which with a field-glass can be distinctly seen for 
a distance of seven or eight miles. These boats in fine 
weather venture out two or three hundred miles, recon- 
noitring the face of the ocean for incoming ships. 
They usually start out with half a dozen pilots, and re- 
main out until they are all deposited on incoming vessels. 

The excitement among the members of the guessing- 
class instantly ran up to a white heat when it was an- 
nounced that a pilot-boat was in sight; in fact, all the 
passengers appeared to feel a deep interest in the 
matter. A hundred field-glasses were aimed at the 
little white speck, which looked to be no larger than a 
sea-gull, so great was its distance from us. 



RAPID RAMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 5(33 

" It is No. 7," exclaimed a man, who held the longest 
telescope in his hand. 

" Then the money is mine," cried another man, ex- 
hibiting his number. 

" Don't shout until you are out of the woods," cried 
a man who had for a long time been aiming his glass 
at the little boat ; " I say it is No. 9 instead of No. 7." 
And, sure enough, 9 proved to be the lucky number. 

On Sunday morning the deck was crowded with pas- 
sengers long before the sun made its appearance, all 
straining their eyes to catch a glimpse of their native 
land. At length the faint outline of a dark blue ridge be- 
gan to appear, and seemed to be rapidly increasing in size. 

" Oh, you dear, sweet, old native land, how I do love 
you !" exclaimed a pretty blonde, who leaned on the arm 
of her young husband. " I feel as if I wanted to kiss 
the very ground." 

" If you wish to kiss the continent," returned her 
husband, " I would advise you not to do it in New 
York, lest you soil those ruby lips." 

" No," replied the pretty bride ; " I'll do it by proxy. 
I'll kiss you, and let you kiss the continent." 

" The bribe offered is indeed strong inducement, and 
I will undertake the job if you will let me kiss Penn- 
sylvania instead of New York." 

" Very well ; it's a bargain." 

A short distance below Brooklyn the health officer 
came aboard, took his stand on the bench, and gazed 
carelessly at five hundred steerage passengers who were 
ordered to march slowly in single file before him. 
Every now and then he would order a man to halt, 



5G4 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

pull his mouth open, and peer clown his throat as if 
anxious to see what sort of a breakfast he had eaten. 
I was preparing an affidavit to prove that ray stomach 
was entirely empty, so as to avoid this offensive inspec- 
tion, when the lieutenant informed me that it was 
wholly unnecessary, as the officer never examined 
saloon passengers. 

"And why does he not inspect them?" I inquired. 

"Oh, I don't exactly know, though I suppose he 
thinks a contagious disease would not fool away its 
time trying to kill a few saloon-passengers when it 
could find better material among the steerage people." 

The next nuisance that struck the ship came in an 
epidemic shape of the most malignant type, sparing 
neither sex nor previous condition. Three men were 
deposited on the ship from a small tug. They looked 
and acted like emperors, and most of the foreigners 
thought they were ; bat I knew they were not anything 
of the sort. They took seats at three different tables 
and straightway covered them with papers. The offi- 
cers of the ship notified all passengers that they would 
be required to appear before the three men and answer 
such questions as might be propounded. I wish the 
reader to understand that I thought the inspectors were 
quarantine officers. This fact may extenuate, but not 
excuse, the blunders I made. Unluckily for me, I 
happened to be at the head of the line, hence was the 
first person examined. 

"Have you anything to declare?" inquired one of 
the inspectors, eyeing me closely. 

"Yes, I believe I have," was my prompt reply. 



RAPID RAMBLINOS IN EUROPE. 565 

" Very well, proceed with your declaration." 

" I declare, upon honor, that I am sound in body 
and mind, though slightly damaged by sea-sickness ; 
that my stomach is now empty ; that I am exceedingly 
anxious to go ashore ; and that I would thank you to 
grant me the privilege to do so." 

Some confusion ensued at this juncture, caused by 
several persons laughing at me, which prevented me 
from distinctly hearing the next question. The gen- 
tleman asked if I had any dutiable articles with me, but 
I understood him to inquire if any one was travelling 
with me; consequently, I answered in the affirmative. 

" Please describe them," said the questioner, as he 
again fixed his eyes upon me. 

" Three unmarried females — two brunettes and one 
blonde. One is a lass of sixteen, the other two consid- 
erably older. Can't say how old they are, but would 
guess somewhere between twenty-five and thirty." 

At this juncture the three men threw down their 
pencils and heartily joined in the boisterous laughter 
indulged in by the passengers. I knew they were 
laughing at me, but was totally ignorant of the cause. 

At length the officer began to regain his composure. 
He said, — 

" My dear sir, I think you entirely misunderstood 
my question. Our revenue laws do not embrace 
females." 

" No," exclaimed the humorous man ; " if they did, 
I would like to run the custom-house myself." 

Another burst of merriment followed this remark. 

By this time I began to realize the situation, and 
48 



566 RAPID R AMBLINGS IN EUROPE. 

upon declaring that I had nothing dutiable wag per- 
mitted to pass out. 

We reached the Grand Central Hotel in good time 
to miss breakfast, leaving three long hours on our 
hands to be squandered in waiting for dinner, which 
seemed to be at least three weeks off. We were de- 
lighted to find several letters fresh from home, inform- 
ing us that the dear ones were all well, and anxiously 
watching and waiting for our return. We answered 
by telegraph, announcing our safe arrival in New 
York, and fixing the day we might be expected to 
reach home. 

Once upon a time a lawyer wrote a long letter to one 
of his clients, giving certain instructions appertaining 
to an important law suit. Immediately after having 
finished and signed the letter, he fell dead on the floor 
of his office. Next morning the clerk found the letter, 
read it, and at once realized its importance. Seizing 
his pen, he wrote the following postscript : 

" N.B. — Since writing the foregoing letter I have 
died with a fit of apoplexy, but you must not neglect 
my instructions." 

Now, I have not died with a fit, which I am afraid 
the reader will very much regret, but I close with the 
following : 

" N.B. — Since writing the foregoing letters I have 
arrived at home." 

Let the curtain fall slowly while the band plays 
" Home, Sweet Home." 

THE END. 



